Moments of clairvoyance are rather few for the human consciousness, I do believe, mostly because the gravitas of such observations can cut you to ribbons. They aren't always pretty, nor are they supposed to be. Clarity rarely lacks the jarring effect.
My sentiment is simple, and while I speak in opaqueness, I am rather clear minded in things I must change. I have a nasty habit of unexplainable mood shifts that rob me of sanity every so often, and I believe part of that stems from behaviors toward my own body. I don't take care of myself as much as I should, from flings of chain smoking to a steady fast food diet because the old man doesn't want to make a mess for dinner, I can feel the effects of it all and it makes for unstable, unclean living. I say this not in offense to those that do this, but I remember a time when my system felt like it was running on cleaner fuel, and I believe that, as an all encompassing remedy, it makes one feel better to take care of their body. The investment is one too many people do not make, and I have thought long and hard on what it would be like to die because I trusted my heart to pump through everything. Though, as a laid in bed last night trying to cope with these odd imaginations of what it will be like when I die, I believe I had one of those spiritual meetings with Jesus. Through closed eyes, I was bathed in light, and a calming voice said "It is alright my child" or something to that effect, I can't really tell. But for as far as those things go, it didn't stick with me; even if Jesus was on one shoulder, Mabus was surely on the other. All this is running away from the point with run on precision, so I will reinterate a desire to clean up my living.
The reasoning behind this has many intriguing reasons, all of which have shifted in importance over the last six years of my life. Part of it is for attraction purposes; I'd feel better in that whole pursuit thing if I wasn't ashamed of my appearance. But I can't control what a fling thinks of my appearance, and while I believe that I'll find someone who not only can stand me, but can learn to love me (in the way that tumors do), I am not going to put all my eggs in the basket for another. At the root of self improvement is self, and if you are not on board for yourself, you aren't going to be all that invested in the process. And as much as I would like a gorgeous and strangely intelligent soulmate, I think that I would love to live to be about 160 years old. Not like those seniors at the nursing homes do it; like those hundred year olds that do the Iron Man competition and are all sinew and battle ship anchor tattoos on the forearms and look like they eat bark off trees to absorb not only nature's energy but also its wisdom.
As for how other people come into the picture? I find it hard to connect with folks, especially after a certain point. What is it? Sometimes, you hit a wall of communication and you speak in broken tones. Hows the weather? Hows the job? It gets old and it gets boring and the reason it gets boring is because, for the most part, I feel like I put up a lot of effort into stimulating conversation and observations in the front end and sort of blow a big wad of dicks on the back. It frustrates me, mostly because I do not keep up with the news like I should, and because there gets to be a point where you lose a connection and want so desperately to get it back, to find the spark, that you struggle with it. I think that's part of the reason for the mood swings; I wear the crown of thorns in almost every relationship mentally because I should be doing something better, or different, or I am the one that always has to step forward and say hey. I don't think that is necessarily fair. At the same time, with those I am closest to, I can go weeks without even saying a word to them and feel as if nothing has been lost, feeling as if it is just a recharge, or a time to do your own thing. Maybe that's part of it. Probably is. Again, I can't control what other people say or do with me, and rather than feel mopey when someone doesn't rush to say 'hey' to me, maybe it is time to just swallow that strange sensibility and grow up all the way around rather than act alright with certain sets of people while showing another side to others.
I don't want to Jekyll and Hyde my way through life. So...in the grand spirit of all that inane self help bullshit...if change needs to be made, the best thing to do is to look inward for the drive. If you have desire to change who and what you are, nobody is stopping you save yourself. All too often, people spend this time of year making resolutions they break by the time January is over with, mostly because their locus is so unattainable that they defeat themselves. I know this; I said I wanted to weight 150 Ibs by the end of the year a few years back, not understanding that I hadn't been that light since I was in the fifth grade. I'm an irish/german/pollack with wide shoulders and an extremely strong base; there is absolutely no way I could lose that kind of weight in a year, nor would I remotely look healthy with my frame. I have a target goal of about 225 now, and my expectation is to spend the next 24 months to get there. People want to quit smoking but have problems with doing it. They want to do this and this and this and they never do it. Moderation, control, realism, and desire are critical. There is a chance that nothing will change next year...but hey...momentum is a wonderful thing...all it takes is a little push.
And now...some music.
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My sentiment is simple, and while I speak in opaqueness, I am rather clear minded in things I must change. I have a nasty habit of unexplainable mood shifts that rob me of sanity every so often, and I believe part of that stems from behaviors toward my own body. I don't take care of myself as much as I should, from flings of chain smoking to a steady fast food diet because the old man doesn't want to make a mess for dinner, I can feel the effects of it all and it makes for unstable, unclean living. I say this not in offense to those that do this, but I remember a time when my system felt like it was running on cleaner fuel, and I believe that, as an all encompassing remedy, it makes one feel better to take care of their body. The investment is one too many people do not make, and I have thought long and hard on what it would be like to die because I trusted my heart to pump through everything. Though, as a laid in bed last night trying to cope with these odd imaginations of what it will be like when I die, I believe I had one of those spiritual meetings with Jesus. Through closed eyes, I was bathed in light, and a calming voice said "It is alright my child" or something to that effect, I can't really tell. But for as far as those things go, it didn't stick with me; even if Jesus was on one shoulder, Mabus was surely on the other. All this is running away from the point with run on precision, so I will reinterate a desire to clean up my living.
The reasoning behind this has many intriguing reasons, all of which have shifted in importance over the last six years of my life. Part of it is for attraction purposes; I'd feel better in that whole pursuit thing if I wasn't ashamed of my appearance. But I can't control what a fling thinks of my appearance, and while I believe that I'll find someone who not only can stand me, but can learn to love me (in the way that tumors do), I am not going to put all my eggs in the basket for another. At the root of self improvement is self, and if you are not on board for yourself, you aren't going to be all that invested in the process. And as much as I would like a gorgeous and strangely intelligent soulmate, I think that I would love to live to be about 160 years old. Not like those seniors at the nursing homes do it; like those hundred year olds that do the Iron Man competition and are all sinew and battle ship anchor tattoos on the forearms and look like they eat bark off trees to absorb not only nature's energy but also its wisdom.
As for how other people come into the picture? I find it hard to connect with folks, especially after a certain point. What is it? Sometimes, you hit a wall of communication and you speak in broken tones. Hows the weather? Hows the job? It gets old and it gets boring and the reason it gets boring is because, for the most part, I feel like I put up a lot of effort into stimulating conversation and observations in the front end and sort of blow a big wad of dicks on the back. It frustrates me, mostly because I do not keep up with the news like I should, and because there gets to be a point where you lose a connection and want so desperately to get it back, to find the spark, that you struggle with it. I think that's part of the reason for the mood swings; I wear the crown of thorns in almost every relationship mentally because I should be doing something better, or different, or I am the one that always has to step forward and say hey. I don't think that is necessarily fair. At the same time, with those I am closest to, I can go weeks without even saying a word to them and feel as if nothing has been lost, feeling as if it is just a recharge, or a time to do your own thing. Maybe that's part of it. Probably is. Again, I can't control what other people say or do with me, and rather than feel mopey when someone doesn't rush to say 'hey' to me, maybe it is time to just swallow that strange sensibility and grow up all the way around rather than act alright with certain sets of people while showing another side to others.
I don't want to Jekyll and Hyde my way through life. So...in the grand spirit of all that inane self help bullshit...if change needs to be made, the best thing to do is to look inward for the drive. If you have desire to change who and what you are, nobody is stopping you save yourself. All too often, people spend this time of year making resolutions they break by the time January is over with, mostly because their locus is so unattainable that they defeat themselves. I know this; I said I wanted to weight 150 Ibs by the end of the year a few years back, not understanding that I hadn't been that light since I was in the fifth grade. I'm an irish/german/pollack with wide shoulders and an extremely strong base; there is absolutely no way I could lose that kind of weight in a year, nor would I remotely look healthy with my frame. I have a target goal of about 225 now, and my expectation is to spend the next 24 months to get there. People want to quit smoking but have problems with doing it. They want to do this and this and this and they never do it. Moderation, control, realism, and desire are critical. There is a chance that nothing will change next year...but hey...momentum is a wonderful thing...all it takes is a little push.
And now...some music.
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