Dating Single Mothers

What should a (single, childless) guy consider when dating a single mother? What's different about it...if anything? Pros? Cons?

I address these questions to anyone with experience in this matter. I guess they're sorta directed at guys, but I think women could provide some invaluable insights here too. Because honestly, it all sorta baffles me. (I assume all this may be equally mysterious to some (childless) women who've never previously dated a single father, but I digress.)

I've never dated a single mother before, and, in part, that's because I've purposely avoided the situation. Just recently, however, one sorta flirted with me and I flirted back a little, and then....well, it just ended there. I had nothing; I just kept thinking of all the complications, considerations, and concerns and never followed up. So the opportunity passed, and I don't really care that it did. Still, it got me to thinking about how similar things have occurred in the past and whether or not I should try dating a single mother the next time the opportunity presents itself.

However, "giving it a try" is actually part of the problem. To me, once a woman is a single mother, things (i.e., dating-related issues) seem like they need to become very serious, very early on. The whole notion of "giving it a try" is something I associate more with being quite casual at first and just seeing where things lead. While some single mothers seem to give the impression that they're open to that, I'm not convinced that's the reality of the situation.

Everyone I know who has kids--particularly those with very young ones--are consumed by them. And rightly so, IMHO. The parents tend to have negligible social lives of their own--and that's when there are two parents. I just don't know how or where dating could possibly fit in with that as a single parent. So the prospect of even accidentally becoming a part of that potentially complex family situation is just daunting to me. (Note, this isn't even considering the issue of whether the child plays a part in the whole "screening process," or God-forbid there's lingering drama with an ex-s/o.)

Now I realize that everyone's different and my own (lack of) experience in this area is coloring my judgment here, so I'm throwing this question out there. I guess it's no big deal either way, but maybe someone else's experiences will help me to see things a little clearer if not a little differently.

Any insights or comments are appreciated. Thanks!

My kind of thread!

I have real life experience in this, so maybe I can help.

If she is a single mom, obviously the kid will ALWAYS be a factor! It is completely unavoidable. If your the type of guy who likes, or needs, to be the number one person in her life...it ain't gonna happen. Ever. Period. If you need that kind of attention and level of commitment, then don't even bother with trying to date a single mom.

Her time is a valuable commodity and she is not going to be open for doing things spur of the moment. Finding a reliable sitter(s) can be a chore in and of itself...especially with short notice! Not to mention, the expense of paying for a sitter...especially with short notice! If your someone who doesn't like to make plans, you like to "live for the moment", dating a single mom will NEVER be easy for you (and her). Give this serious consideration before attempting to date a single mom.

Something else to consider:
The father of the child(ren). Understand, wether he has a nice relationship or not with her, he will ALWAYS be a presence in the dynamic. You will ALWAYS hear about him, if not from her than from the child. If you are someone who gets jealous, DO NOT date a single mom. The presence of the childs father never vanishes.
WARNING:
Even if he abandons them and is no where around, he can (and most likely will) reappear AT ANY TIME. No matter how much she assures you he will never "come back", she cannot honestly guarantee that. Any arguements they have, you will know all about. Anything that happens between him and the child, you will know all about. His word counts more than yours legally and depending on her point of view, maybe in all ways.
TRUE STORY:
I dated a single mom. We (eventually) got married. I had raised her child from the ages of 3-9. His father showed up out of the blue and despite my protests, she dropped everything to introduce "father and son". As soon as he decided he was now ready to try being a part-time dad, I was old news. As she would spend her weekends out of state so they could all be together, she would tell me how hard this was on her and how I just needed "to deal with it". That placed such an additional (and easily avoidable) strain on our relationship that I am now divorced and single again.
Again, I cannot stress enough how if you get easily jealous, dating a single mom is NOT FOR YOU!

Single moms, more often than not, do not like to date casually. They like commitments. They need to know where "things are going". That makes sense for them. If your too much of a free spirit, your better off dating childless women.

Something else to consider: Finances. Depending on the type of relationship you have (if she introduces you to the child, etc), realize that from now on, you'll be paying for three (or more) when going out to do things. Also, you obviously need to plan on doing things that the kids will like. If/when the child isn't entertained, they will let you know. Repeatedly. You got to hand it to kids...they are honest.


Basically, what I am saying, from experience, is that if your looking for someone to date casually, its best to steer clear of single moms. Same goes if your the jealous type. If you can't "share" her with her ex...date someone without kids.
This is by no way meant to bash single moms. I have a lot of respect for them because I know from first hand experience how much it takes to raise,care for and entertain a child. I'm just speaking from my own personal experiences.
Take from this what you will.

Sandrock is dead on. i wouldnt date a woman who has younger kids, just for the fact youll get no attention and have to work around her schedule. thats not for me.

Not only in most cases will you disappoint yourself and her for whatever reason, the kids will also be affected. Seeing a new guy in their life every day spending time with them gives them hope, and when a child gets their hope crushed, eh, look at me. 🙂

Been there,done that when i was younger.Sandrock74 is wise and,except for the marriage part i went through everything he describes and that more then once.I'm a slow learner i guess..

I've done this before as well. My situation was pretty convenient. The lady in question was a stay-at-home mom who had inherited a good deal of money. Hence, she didn't need to work and could stay home to look after her 2-year old son. Also, I get along great with kids and this was no exception. That little guy was my buddy.

But you know, every parent has a different situation. You just need to figure out what that is and work with it if you truly want the relationship to work. Also remember that kids can get quite attached to you. On the other hand, sometimes they might not like you. Make sure you treat them with respect, regardless. Best advice I can give.

Unless you are prepared to be some sort of male roll model to her kid (or kids) then you shouldn't get involved with a woman who has kids. If thier birth father isn't around then those children will come to see you as a male figure in thier live, so you bettr be prepared to deal with that. If you aren't then don't do it. On the otherside, if you are be prepared for the fact that if things don't work out those kids could be ripped from you life and you will have no say in the matter (unless of course you married her and legal addopted them).

ST

I would personally be wary of getting involved with a single mother for most of the above reasons.

There is no way I consider myself ready for a family situation and if it became serious that's where It'd end up. Even if I could be upfront and say that i just want the dating / sex (and not sound like a pig in the process) eventually the situation would evolve. I imagine that most wouldn't be too interested in a relationship that they knew would never go anywhere and if I wasn't clear about it from the start I'd be leading them on.

Besides, most of the things I like to do don't work well with kids. I'm more of a restaurant & theatre date sort of guy. Not really up for going to the zoo or to see the latest disney film.

As long as you're aware that this is where you might end up and are prepared for it then go for it.

Likewise, I've got nothing against single mothers and am friends with a couple of ladies who are in that situation. I know that they will only be able to hang out when they've made arrangements for their kids and appreciate that. The difference is that it's not a romantic relationship and there is no pressure, explicit or implicit, to become involved with the kids.

Everyone responding so far has made very good, valid points. Dating someone with kids can be a wonderful, rewarding experience. But if or when you both decide to get serious...if you move in together or marry, then be sure that you come first. A spouse should always come before the children. And I'm nor talking about if a kid is sick and needs attention, etc., but in terms of your relationship and such, because your children will leave and live on their own soon enough, but you have to live with a spouse forever.

I understand this sounds shocking, and I'm probably going to get a lot a flack for it. A good relationship with your spouse will make for a better relationship/role model for your kids.

There are many risks involved with this type of relationship as others have pointed out, but there is one very important advantage to dating a single mother depending on your personal goals.

Many of the attributes that attract us to a woman are subconscious cues to a woman’s potential in child bearing and rearing. In the case of a single mother, both of these are answered for you without having to roll the dice.

The child bearing part is easy, because obviously she was fertile and physically capable of giving birth. How she has performed as a mother is equally transparent by the relationship and behavior of the child.

If your long term goal is to start a family, and she seems like the type that may also want to continue doing so, then her child is an excellent indication as to what type of mother she would make for your children.

Thanks for all the advice and personal experiences, everyone. This is exactly what I was looking for.

Sandrock: I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but many thanks for sharing. Sounds like great advice.

A few weeks ago when I first pondered these questions I came across this <a href="http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/73_dating_tips.html">article</a>. It echoes a many of the words of wisdom voiced here, which is encouraging.

You know, I'm glad my ex didn't think like some of you or my son would've been in trouble!

Everyone's concerned if the relationship fails but how about those who's relationships were successful? My definition of success may be different than yours, especially since we did split up. But we had a unique relationship in that we were still able to raise our children; no extra step-parents or nightmarish drama for my kids!!

I chose not to date after me and the ex split up; I didn't want to expose my kids (especially my daughter) around any man I didn't know was going to be serious in my life. That was for personal reasons based on my childhood; learned the hard way that certain men didn't need to be around teenage girls.

Some of you gentlemen are getting to the age where meeting women who are childless are increasingly difficult. What are your options; stay alone until miss single and childless shows up or at least try something different? Love is all about risk and there's no guarantee of success whether childless or not. If it were me, I'd take the risk and see what happens, but if it's not for you then it's not fpr you.

kids123 said:

You know, I'm glad my ex didn't think like some of you or my son would've been in trouble!

Everyone's concerned if the relationship fails but how about those who's relationships were successful? My definition of success may be different than yours, especially since we did split up. But we had a unique relationship in that we were still able to raise our children; no extra step-parents or nightmarish drama for my kids!!

I chose not to date after me and the ex split up; I didn't want to expose my kids (especially my daughter) around any man I didn't know was going to be serious in my life. That was for personal reasons based on my childhood; learned the hard way that certain men didn't need to be around teenage girls.

Some of you gentlemen are getting to the age where meeting women who are childless are increasingly difficult. What are your options; stay alone until miss single and childless shows up or at least try something different? Love is all about risk and there's no guarantee of success whether childless or not. If it were me, I'd take the risk and see what happens, but if it's not for you then it's not for you.

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My problem,if it can be called that is i am not a *kid* person.Never wanted any of my own,and had no interest in raising someone else's.I should never have dated some of the women i did,and i fault myself for that not them.I will say in my defense none of these realtionships lasted long because i was honest with them about how i felt.

I am now old enough that if i meet a woman desparate enough to date me her children would be old enough to be out on their own,so it would not be an issue.And if he,she or they wanted to move back in with mom and she allowed it,the old bugster would be

Possibly the biggest thing to consider is your own limitations when dealing with the kids, who WILL be there. Personally, I avoid single moms with younger kids because of my own difficulties with the kids. It's better for me, her, and, ultimately, them.

Get a puppy. Less heartache.

One thing I hit upon but didn't elaborate on is the effect of her child on you.

I quickly grew to love "her" son and I raised him for six years. From the ages of 3-9, he was my son and I was his dad. His father had abandoned him by walking out on her while she was pregnant. He quickly moved out of state and got a job in construction that paid cash and he continually claimed he was unemployed and couldn't pay his child support. He got married twice and put his assests into his current wifes name so he couldn't have anything taken from him by the government. I lost track of how far he was behind on child support at the $12,000 point.

When he decided to be a part-time father, she and he both acted as if my blood, sweat, tears, time and money all counted for nothing. My paying his tuition (which I was under no legal obligation to pay a penny of), staying up at night with him when he was sick, reading to him, playing Transformers with him, taking him to fairs, going to his school functions and soccer and basketball games. At the end of the day, I was "temp dad". I was there to keep the seat warm for "real dad" if/when he wanted to know his son.

The real pisser of it all is that I have no legal reason to see my former step-son once we got divorced. It still tears me up inside that I don't get to see him. It's been 13 months since the divorce and I still think about him every day. The divorce wasn't his fault obviously. My feelings for him had never changed. I will never understand how someone can have a child and never want to see them!

But this is something else to think about as far as dating single moms go. You cannot over look the child(ren) involved.

You can always wait until the kids grow and move out to date seriously. That way, the kids are more like younger adults who are sometimes around.

bugman said:

My problem,if it can be called that is i am not a *kid* person.Never wanted any of my own,and had no interest in raising someone else's.I should never have dated some of the women i did,and i fault myself for that not them.I will say in my defense none of these realtionships lasted long because i was honest with them about how i felt.

I am now old enough that if i meet a woman desparate enough to date me her children would be old enough to be out on their own,so it would not be an issue.And if he,she or they wanted to move back in with mom and she allowed it,the old bugster would be

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I don't know of too many women who would diss her kids over a man. then again.......women nowadays never cease to surprise me!

Bugman, I don't agree with your mindset at all, but it's not my issue-it's yours.

Just make sure that you like her as much as she likes you, or the break up will be tw

I dated a girl that had a son. During and after the breakup she would call me and use her sone to get me to do things (take her to the store, give her money, etc). Later I found out she was sleeping with my best friend (and roomate) but he never had any money so she used me for what he couldn't give her. Worst part was my friend was a prick to her son. To this day I miss her son, her I could care less. I told her she was dead to me and never to call me again.

You will never be number one to her, ever.

Many folks can't accept that.

Other then that, she's still a human. She just has another little human with her.

CrystalLight said:

You will never be number one to her, ever.

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From personal experience, I have to agree that that pretty much sums it up perfectly.

CrystalLight said:

You will never be number one to her, ever.

Many folks can't accept that.

Other then that, she's still a human. She just has another little human with her.

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This is where relationships get screwy IMO whether it's a single parent or married one.

The kids are wonderful people but women have the tendency to put them first when they should be putting that husband/partner first. When you go out the natural order of things it's when you run into problems.

I'm not talking about dissing your kids over some jackass who won't even treat them right. I'm talking about doing what is right and appropriate in a relationship and putting that partner first. Once "you" do that, the man gains comfort and confidence that should spread to your children. It'll be easier for him to open his heart to love the kids when he knows he's first in your life and isn't going to be circumvented by the kids. Kids are very manipulative and you'll find yourself alone if they figure out they can control your relationship.

It's all about balance and many just won't put the work in nowadays.

Sandrock74 said:

One thing I hit upon but didn't elaborate on is the effect of her child on you.

I quickly grew to love "her" son and I raised him for six years. From the ages of 3-9, he was my son and I was his dad. His father had abandoned him by walking out on her while she was pregnant. He quickly moved out of state and got a job in construction that paid cash and he continually claimed he was unemployed and couldn't pay his child support. He got married twice and put his assests into his current wifes name so he couldn't have anything taken from him by the government. I lost track of how far he was behind on child support at the $12,000 point.

When he decided to be a part-time father, she and he both acted as if my blood, sweat, tears, time and money all counted for nothing. My paying his tuition (which I was under no legal obligation to pay a penny of), staying up at night with him when he was sick, reading to him, playing Transformers with him, taking him to fairs, going to his school functions and soccer and basketball games. At the end of the day, I was "temp dad". I was there to keep the seat warm for "real dad" if/when he wanted to know his son.

The real pisser of it all is that I have no legal reason to see my former step-son once we got divorced. It still tears me up inside that I don't get to see him. It's been 13 months since the divorce and I still think about him every day. The divorce wasn't his fault obviously. My feelings for him had never changed. I will never understand how someone can have a child and never want to see them!

But this is something else to think about as far as dating single moms go. You cannot over look the child(ren) involved.

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To say she was stupid would be an understatement! To say a lot of women do stupid things in relationships would be an even greater one!

My cousin was in a relationship for 10 years; he and his son lived in her home and she raised him as her own. She provided him the only mother he'd ever really know; she made the sacrifices, went to PTA meetings, cooked, cleaned, provided all the necessities of life.

Her partner was an ass who didn't want to work so he finally found a stupid enough woman to cheat with. Ten years down the hole with no recourse; she ended up alone with very little to show for her efforts. That is until that young man turned 18; he started calling then visiting her. He now has two kids of his own and they visit her as well.

I hope your stepson doesn't forget what you did for him and comes back to you if that's something you'd want to happen.

CrystalLight said:

You will never be number one to her, ever.

Many folks can't accept that.

Other then that, she's still a human. She just has another little human with her.

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There's the problem right there.
Many single mothers simply are not ready or cannot accept a man in their life.
Now there's nothing wrong with that, but you have to be honest.
Don't lead a guy on to think that you want him to move in and be part of your family, then decide that he isn't that important in your life after all.
Its ridiculous to think that a new guy in your life will interfere with your time spent with your chidren. If you wish to be in a family environment then you will love everyone equally.
And yes, I speak from experience.
Five years spent with a single mom with me being the only father her daughter ever had. Thankfully the daughter is old enough now to make her own decisions and we see each other regularly.
Her mother (my ex) doesn't like it but doesn't get a choice, and is just starting to see now what she "gave up" as far as our relationship went.
Us guys really arn't that bad you know, and some of us can be good fathers to children that arn't necessarilly ours!!!

kis123 said:

This is where relationships get screwy IMO whether it's a single parent or married one.

The kids are wonderful people but women have the tendency to put them first when they should be putting that husband/partner first. When you go out the natural order of things it's when you run into problems.

I'm not talking about dissing your kids over some jackass who won't even treat them right. I'm talking about doing what is right and appropriate in a relationship and putting that partner first. Once "you" do that, the man gains comfort and confidence that should spread to your children. It'll be easier for him to open his heart to love the kids when he knows he's first in your life and isn't going to be circumvented by the kids. Kids are very manipulative and you'll find yourself alone if they figure out they can control your relationship.

It's all about balance and many just won't put the work in nowadays.

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Couldn't have said it better myself!!! 🙂