A guy's social life is important to women? Why?

[steph]

Oh boy, where to start with this, from a girl's POV...

First of all, I'd be a little wary of a site that "teaches you how to seduce women." You learn to seduce women by, well, practicing seducing women, not following someone ELSE's rules. Me? I make up my own. Seems to serve me well. 😉

Also, any successful relationship is going to involve WORK. I'm sorry to tell you this but it's true. I started dating at 16 and don't I've ever been without at least one guy in my life. Relationships ARE hard. Did you ever see the movie "A League of Their Own" with Geena Davis? for me, this movie features one of the best scenes in movie history.
Geena Davis decides to quit the team and go home, coach Tom Hanks catches her on the way out and asks her, "How can you do it, just walk away like this?"
She says, "It just got to be too hard."
Tom Hanks in his inimitable fashion says to her, "Of course it's hard, it's supposed to be hard, if it were easy, everyone would be doing it. The HARD is what makes it so great."

<One question: as far as dating goes, WHY does it matter to a woman whether or not a guy seems to have friends/a social life or not?>

And aren't online friends still considered friends? If not, color me hugely insulted, you do have friends.
And as for why it matters, well, those of us who are real women spend a lot of time taking care of others, not the other way around. I want a guy to be my friend first and foremost. I've never been the needy jealous type, I have my own life and that's how it's going to stay. If I wanted someone to NEED me, I'd have kids. No thanks, not a role I'd be good at. I WANT a guy with a life outside of me, takes the pressure off.

<why if a guy is in his 30s and never had a gf, do people assume there's something wrong with him?>
Not all of us do. I've several single friends in their 30s. Their reason for being single? "Just haven't found the right girl." Makes you come off as selective instead of desperate, see? And the delivery is everything.

<Maybe he's just a perfectly normal guy with just very low self-esteem/self-confidence who needs love.>
(sighs) OK a word about confidence here. Maybe you should be working on making you the best you that you can be instead of concentrating on a girlfriend right now. Lack of confidence is just as big a turnoff as is too much confidence (ugh). Look, you seem like an ok guy and not totally clueless.
I was going to write you yesterday and congratulate you on your response to the thread with the guy, I think he goes by 911. Anyway, your answer to him was EVERYTHING I would've said to a T. (I'll find it if you don't know what I'm talking about.) And I suspect everyone else feels the same, you were the only person who answered that thread. You pretty much summed up what we all felt.

I've a dear friend who's a motivational speaker, he has a saying, "we are who we are and where we are, because that's where we want to be." Don't like your circumstances? Change them. Lose the victim mentality, it's holding you back~we girls can smell it a mile away. To land a quality girl, you gotta learn how to be a quality man first.
XOXO,
Life Coach Steph

 

[911]

Hey 911 here I'm not sure what post STEPH is speaking of but I am sure it wasn't one of mine. Anyway I understand your problem very well sir I am trying to overcome my own self-estem problem. The problem is you think because you aren't seen as a stud or some little pretty boy that no one will care for you. This upsets me 2 hear because I can relate but (and I know you've heard this before) that is simply not true. The Bible says whatever a man believith in his heart therefore he is, meaning what made me a ''loser'' was the fact that I believed myself 2 b one. Regardless of your own believes psycologist will back this up. I don't care what some asshole told you in the pass there is nothing wrong with you, you just have 2 convince yourself that.
I was watching the funnies home videos when I saw a group of hyenas run in fear of a small house cat who ran towards them.The cats bold behaviour convinced them he was not to be messed with. Like the cat you must be bold and interact with others even if it makes u uncomfortable and when people see a bold man women will be more attracted 2 you and your social life will grow. You don't have 2 b the life of the party just have some friends it's not a bad thing to have social life it could also help your self-esteem. I wish you the best. GOOD LUCK.

 

[MrMacphisto]

Here's my opinion, as always, to be taken with a grain of salt. 🙂

Captain, like many guys, you're stuck in a vicious endless circle, my friend. You crave love from women intensely. Nothing wrong there, I mean who doesn't, right? Because these needs have gone unmet for a considerable duration, you're emotionally "injured," so to speak.

This "open wound" has in some measure incapacitated your ability to care about others, because it's all you can manage to deal with your own problem. When you see an attractive woman, it's always through the lens of a "cure for my problem." It's not your fault, man. We humans are wired in such a way, that our self-preservation often overrules our capacity for caring about others. It's difficult to ask a starving man to exhibit concern for the nutritional needs of his neighbors.

The problem is, when women see this (and trust me, it's as visible to them as the color of your hair), they tend to lose interest, because they have needs too. They need somebody to love them, listen to them, and care about them. The last thing they want is a desperate needy guy to take take take, and return nothing. And so they keep their distance, thereby compounding the problem further.

There's only one way to break this cycle, and that's a complete overhaul on your outlook toward life and toward women. You have to start caring about them. Develop an interest in who they are. Their likes and dislikes. Their hopes, dreams, and fears. You've got to make it a priority to figure out what they need, and how you might fulfill that need. No, I'm not talking about sex, although that too is a need. I'm talking about emotional and relational needs. She needs to know you care about her, that you're interested and concerned with anything through which she might be going.

As difficult as it may seem, you've got to put your own woes aside, and begin to actually care about the women in whom you're interested. How does one manufacture care? It starts with curiosity. Ask yourself questions about her, and speculate on the answers. Where does she come from? What was it like for her growing up? How would you feel if you grew up that way? Spend time thinking about her and the things she tells you, rather than how you might convince her into your bed. When you do this, it will be reflected in your conversations with her, and she'll see something very attractive in you...somebody who cares about her.

Good post, man. Very articulate and insightful. 🙂

 

[MrMacphisto]

lol its hilarious to me that people want people that can love and be loved in return, but the moment someone comes out and admits that they want to be with someone and make that a big part of their life, I hear things like "oh, sounds like the description of a serial killer." As if we're going to crawl behind you, hiss, and go "I'M TAKING YOU DOWN UNDER, AND YOUR NEVER COMING UP!"

As for not many friends, I have to state first THAT PEOPLE SUCK!! Second, a lot of my friends are now distant, or I now have a bad history with, or they're depressed and reclusive, or some other crap, and I can't afford to cling with friends if I want to go out and do whatever.

If a person is scum, then the person dating that person should be able to tell he/she is scum

LOL... good points. Perhaps, a more accurate critique of homicidal tendencies would involve observation of outlets of frustration for individuals that are suspect. Without sounding like another worrywart, it is often the people that have no other outlets for releasing their anger that become the serial killer types.... In short, don't bottle up your anger...

 

[MrMacphisto]

It's amazing that I hear "be yourself" and "love yourself" and all this crap, and I have NO CLUE who the hell I am. I'm just a regular white-boy in the middle of my ghettofied college community for the most part, and I have some sort of clue what I'm doing with my life. Aside from that, I can't really say anything other than that I like strange dry humor and I have no real attainable goals.
"The problem is that your need for someone else to love you INSTEAD of you loving yourself is what girls instinctively know to avoid." And if you generally felt lost in the mix of things, wouldn't you want the same? To ditch the stupid friendships that are really just acquaintences and skip ahead to finding a companion? It's difficult to place confidence or self-love on yourself when you don't have others that appear to.

Call me negative, but I think that's the root of problems for guys like him and I

Good points again... Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you need one of those quirky, artsy girls. They seem attracted to this kind of thing, mostly because they exhibit some of the same issues themselves. On the plus side, there are a LOT of them in college. At least, there were a lot of them at my college.

I dated a few of them myself, until I realized that what I'm actually looking for is stability. If I venture into dating again, I want it to be with a girl that's intelligent, easygoing, confident, and independent. The quirky types can be fun, but be careful... they can be moody.

 

[MrMacphisto]

OK I don't know why I'm typing this. Probably cos I don't feel very good right now.

You are being NEGATIVE. You're focussing on the past, the cause of your problems, and how you became what you are. Like Drew said, it's a viscous circle, and regardless of how it started, you'll eventually have to accept that you are the only one who can break it. You're clinging to a "poor me" story to validate your current self, instead taking responsibility. It's hard, very hard at first. No-one's trying to tell you it's easy.

Drop the victim mentality:
Imagine you met a girl who had had a really rough life. But she still kept her chin up and was still loving and nurturing and sweet and feminine and caring despite her circumstances. Would you not respect and admire her? Now imagine the next day you meet another girl who had also had a rough time, but this one was gaurded and jaded and blamed the world for her problems. On a deep level she expects you to feel sorry for her and she resented anyone she felt had things better than her. She wants pity rather than love and respect. So tell me: Which girl is more loveable? Neither girl is more or less deserving of your love: They've BOTH had bad lives. The only difference is one of them constantly deflects love and positivity and sucks it out of you. She wants to be your girlfriend, but only so she can feel slightly better about herself. She won't appreciate you, and she won't respect you for who you are. Sooner or later that lack of respect will mean that your efforts to make her feel attractive will have no effect, and she'll see you as just another piece of crap in her crappy reality. The other girl wants your LOVE and RESPECT, because she respects herself. She isn't looking for pity to validate her "poor me" story of her life. She will appreciate love and shoot it back at you. It's not to say that some saint of a man couldn't come along and cut through all of bitchy girl's shit and save her from herself, but it's unlikely, and she can't expect that to happen.

Thats an extreme example but my point is that some people do have things rough. Some people have to cope with problems like poverty, abusive parents, drugs, disability, obesity, starvation, homelessness. The important thing is how you choose to be: Positive or negative. The above example should show you that how you are on the inside will ultimately determine what and who you draw into your life on the outside.


What you need is inspiration. If you have no roles models in your life I'd suggest you find some role models in films or books, get inspired about what you think is important for a man to be. Make a post on this forum asking people what films or books have been most inspiring to them, and then spend your time reading them instead of jacking off. Get some solid values like honour and stength and consideration... Then TRY and TRY to learn how to be a man of integrity and honour and as you begin to get in-line with your values and start to LIVE them, things will start to fall into place on their own

So, lots of people are telling you what they've come to learn: That "crap" like "earn your own self-respect" etc... And now you have a choice. Like Steph says, you are what you are, because at some deep level, you choose it, every day:

You can choose to either cling to that comfortable victim mentality, get offended by what I say and sit at your computer and write us all another post about why you deserve love and why it's not your fault and how us hippies are wrong because we don't know what it's like to be in your situation. Or you can try to be honest with yourself about what you're avoiding. You're avoiding taking response-ability for your self, which means thinking positively about what you can do to be better. You're taking the path of least resistance because it's easier. It's easier to blame everything around you. But that's the exact reason that nothing will change...

Oh and what are your "unnatainable goals"?

Good post as well... As cynical as I can be, when dating, I usually take on a more facetious personality....

I actually dated a girl (very briefly) who fit the sulking description you just wrote about. As you implied, the girl who is compassionate despite her circumstances is far more attractive than the one that has a pity party everyday.

As a final note, one uncomfortable part of maturity is learning that life often involves adapting yourself to your environment more than adapting your environment to yourself. Some would say it's a central part of learning how to care for others (like in a relationship).

 

[Sunday_10pm]

I actually just deleted my post cos when I re-read it I thought it looked patronising. I guess it might have some value though, and now it's immortalised in Macphisto's quote! haha

 

[Redmage]

Good post, man. Very articulate and insightful. 🙂

Yep, I'd have to say I agree with you - and with Drew.

 

[Tamia78]

What an interesting thread, CQ!

WHY does it matter if a guy has a social life? I never really thought about it. Being a social butterfly myself, I naturally gravitate to the guy who's mingling and being friendly to everyone in the room. Maybe it's a personal preference that we tend to like those who are more like us. I mean, that's why we are good friends with some people and not others, right? Because our friends reflect alot of our own personality.

First of all there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to stay at home and cuddle with your gf, but to do that all the time makes the relationship very predictable and boring. Having a good relationship is work on both parties. So, having somewhat of a social life helps the other person find out what kind of person you are. You don't necessarily have to have friends, but just other activities that you like to do instead of being a homebody.

Maybe the people who you think are saying "what's wrong with him" for being 30-ish with no gf actually think that you might be someone worth being around and are wondering why no woman has figured that out yet, Mr. the-glass-is-half-empty! .....but I don't know, since you haven't taken the time out to talk to people, who knows?

I hate to break it to you, but you ARE being picky by the criteria you mentioned, although not as picky as some people can be. But it's okay to be picky, that's the thing. Who doesn't want who they think is the perfect person for them?

Also, usually love comes to people who aren't looking, so maybe it's a good thing that you've stopped looking for now. Good luck!

--T

 

[kis123]

Hey 911 here I'm not sure what post STEPH is speaking of but I am sure it wasn't one of mine. Anyway I understand your problem very well sir I am trying to overcome my own self-estem problem. The problem is you think because you aren't seen as a stud or some little pretty boy that no one will care for you. This upsets me 2 hear because I can relate but (and I know you've heard this before) that is simply not true. The Bible says whatever a man believith in his heart therefore he is, meaning what made me a ''loser'' was the fact that I believed myself 2 b one. Regardless of your own believes psycologist will back this up. I don't care what some asshole told you in the pass there is nothing wrong with you, you just have 2 convince yourself that.
I was watching the funnies home videos when I saw a group of hyenas run in fear of a small house cat who ran towards them.The cats bold behaviour convinced them he was not to be messed with. Like the cat you must be bold and interact with others even if it makes u uncomfortable and when people see a bold man women will be more attracted 2 you and your social life will grow. You don't have 2 b the life of the party just have some friends it's not a bad thing to have social life it could also help your self-esteem. I wish you the best. GOOD LUCK.

Internet-speak aside, this is a pretty good assessment of the situation. I only hope CQ (and a couple of others) takes the advice.

 

[steph]

Sorry honey~my bad! I knew it was someone relatively new. Find thread here:
http://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?t=87863

XOXO

Hey 911 here I'm not sure what post STEPH is speaking of but I am sure it wasn't one of mine.

 

[Cr4zych1ck]

Whenever I see someone with a social life, it usually means they're interesting people, and not afraid to show it.

Most guys without social lives are horribly boring.

One must take risks to attain friendships, you must step out of your own shell to get decent people into your life. If you have no social life, it means you're still stuck inside your shell, and it means you take no risks.

I like meeting peopl who have already stepped out of their shells.

And, I really hope I'm making sense, since I'm slightly out of it right now. 😛

 

[DannyMc]

One thing that always needs to be remembered is that every woman is different personally , having different wants and needs . Each woman growing up with different values . Men are no different than woman when it has to do with each of us being our own person . Good relationships find common ground and grow from there . When I'm at universities from time to time for business I cant help but see all the differences in the people , male and female . No one person can survive in a relationship with everyone , there's to much difference, so it is broken down to who and what makes up you . From this , one can find a person that they can feel a close similarity and comfort , and from this a bond can grow .

 

[LItickleree]

I know what you're saying. I'm just saying I'd be interested in having a girlfriend only because I have needs (need to be loved, to be told I'm attractive, to be told I'm special, etc), and besides her I honestly wouldn't care if I never saw another human being again. That's because I just have very little interest in other people except if I need them for something (for example a girlfriend). And in my particular case, where I'd prefer it to be just me and my girlfriend at home every night for the rest of our lives, just the 2 of us in our own little world, for my purposes social skills wouldn't matter at all.

your saying you want a girlfriend b/c you need one. It may sound romantic, when you say "just the 2 of us" but dont you think that kinda makes the gf look like a tool, since your only going for her b/c you need her. Shouldnt a gf be someone you share life with and things you are interested in, therefore youd have to be interested in them.

 

[GrimSkull]

Well, I don't have much of a social life and I attribute it to being an artistically-inclined person stuck between a hillbilly town and a military base. Basically, it's a total lack of common ground. Creativity is not smiled upon here, especially when it involves the horror genre(I'm a horror writer for those not in the know). I'd rather be alone than be among people that are about as interesting to talk to as my dog. Now when I do visit more...enlightened areas like NY, I get along just fine with people...

Anyone care to make an observation?

 

[bellystrokes]

Well, I don't have much of a social life and I attribute it to being an artistically-inclined person stuck between a hillbilly town and a military base. Basically, it's a total lack of common ground. Creativity is not smiled upon here, especially when it involves the horror genre(I'm a horror writer for those not in the know). I'd rather be alone than be among people that are about as interesting to talk to as my dog. Now when I do visit more...enlightened areas like NY, I get along just fine with people...

Anyone care to make an observation?

Unless, you're content to having a lot of your own space, you should relocate.
Comfort zones are way underrated. hehehehee.

 

[lk70]

Well, I don't have much of a social life and I attribute it to being an artistically-inclined person stuck between a hillbilly town and a military base. Basically, it's a total lack of common ground. Creativity is not smiled upon here, especially when it involves the horror genre(I'm a horror writer for those not in the know). I'd rather be alone than be among people that are about as interesting to talk to as my dog. Now when I do visit more...enlightened areas like NY, I get along just fine with people...

Anyone care to make an observation?

I observe that your dog is probably more interesting than you give him/her credit for 😀

And yeah, you should MOVE!

 

[GrimSkull]

Unless, you're content to having a lot of your own space, you should relocate.
Comfort zones are way underrated. hehehehee.

All in good time....Of course, if things don't start turning around here pretty soon, I may be relocating sooner than planned...

 

[GrimSkull]

I observe that your dog is probably more interesting than you give him/her credit for 😀

And yeah, you should MOVE!

Well, he is interesting despite being deaf and an albino(well, he had blue eyes like me) But he's actually the most well-behaved dog I've ever had and I love him dearly...

That's right, the TMF's Lord of Evil, Prince of Darkness, King of Monster actually admits to loving something (besides gothic horror and heavy metal, that is)

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Captain Quantum:

You're welcome to pm me. Any time. My ear is yours.

 

[Ethical Edward]

I think a girl wants to see that you can interact with people making them your friends and having a healthy relationship and friendship with them before they consider having at least a serious relationship with you. Thats why girls always want to meet your friends I think. Your judged not only by the company you keep but that you CAN keep company around you. 😎

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

There is actually an irony located in having no social life. Its harder to meet people.

If you are looking for a woman that enjoys being at home and vegging out on the television--ten to one..she is already there. So all the "anti-socials" in the world may never meet eachother because they never leave the house.

 

[Ethical Edward]

Not to make any implications but you also need money more or less to have a social life unless you're gonna hang out on the corner with the high school kids! 😱