A Little Advice

[darkharp]

Hello TMF!

I thought I would ask for some relationship advice.

TickleMantis and I have been dating for over a year and living together for an uninterrupted 7 months. TickleMantis writes erotic tickling stories, and I knew that about him, as we met here on the TMF. He knew I drew erotic art as well.

When we started living together, Mantis would write tickling stories just as he used to when we weren't. But lately I have been getting jealous feelings when he writes about other beautiful women. I have self-esteem issues and feel like the women in his stories are his fantasy women, and I don't really fit the bill. I'm ticklish, but not hyper ticklish like his stories' subjects... I'm not tall, I'm not fit...

He tells me with genuine honesty that I am the girl for him and that he loves me and the characters in his stories are fictional and don't mean anything to him. I do believe him, but when it comes to asking him "Why do you write them, then?" he can't give me an answer. He says he doesn't know.

I think that might be the reason I have a hard time with the stories. I don't know why he does it. Maybe some part of me thinks he writes them to satisfy something I am unable to give him.

Or maybe I am just silly 🙂

Him and I are happy and in love, I just want to be able to get over this little speedbump! I thought I would ask for advice or similar situations others have been in and how they dealt with it.


Thanks everyone in advance! 🙂

/end huge post rant

 

[rhiannon]

Honestly? Don't take this the wrong way, but go and do something about your self esteem issues!

Being beautiful doesn't mean you have to look like a top model. The man who loves you will still find other women attractive, and let's be honest, don't you still find other men attractive although you love your guy? 🙂

It has nothing to do with you!

 

[Leo tickles]

If you think a character written by your boyfriend for a story is prettier/more important/is above you in some/any way, you need therapy, not advice.

 

[rhiannon]

Damn Leo, that was brutal!

 

[darkharp]

Honestly? Don't take this the wrong way, but go and do something about your self esteem issues!

Being beautiful doesn't mean you have to look like a top model. The man who loves you will still find other women attractive, and let's be honest, don't you still find other men attractive although you love your guy? 🙂

It has nothing to do with you!

Thanks for that! I am trying. It's actually been a long hard struggle for the majority of my life. But most people have issues now and then. He has done a lot for my self esteem just by being himself.

I appreciate your comment 🙂
Yes, I do find other men attractive and still love my man. He has every right to do the same, I don't restrict him from writing or visiting the TMF, etc.

I guess it is mostly to do with self-esteem.

If you think a character written by your boyfriend for a story is prettier/more important/is above you in some/any way, you need therapy, not advice.

And comments like that don't help! LOL! But I hear ya 🙂

Thanks! 🙂

 

[Myriads]

He writes because he likes to create and express himself. Much as any other artist. He writes ticking fiction because he finds the subject interesting, and it's a use of his talent that he gets some amusement out of.

As for feeling jealous of his creations, I doubt that you are, as his creations don't exist. He can't fuck them, have a relationship with them, or do any of the things that are enjoyable when you have a person to share your life with. They are nothing more then figments. A visible version of his fantasy world. You are jealous of where you think his ATTENTION might be going.

And there is the key. FANTASY world. Artist or not, most people create fantasies in their heads. They do it when they have partners, when they don't. It's not a sign of any judgement on the partner. It's just how a creative person behaves.

You are not in competition with figments. Your partner has already chosen you, and continues to pay attention to you. Figments are not standards to live up to. No one can look as good as the figments in the movies or the photoshopped covers of magazines. Figments are there to entertain. To amuse the mind. Perhaps even stimulate some lust and drive to try something with the very nice real world partner that one is with.

NO ONE can live up to the impossible standards of beauty, ticklishness, understanding whatever of our figments, and no one should try.

Live up to being the best you that you want to be. That is your challenge. You compete with yourself, not others, and especially not figments.

Myriads

 

[tklee88]

Well put, Myriads 🙂. That's about the best advice you could receive, harp. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[darkharp]

He writes because he likes to create and express himself. Much as any other artist. He writes ticking fiction because he finds the subject interesting, and it's a use of his talent that he gets some amusement out of.

As for feeling jealous of his creations, I doubt that you are, as his creations don't exist. He can't fuck them, have a relationship with them, or do any of the things that are enjoyable when you have a person to share your life with. They are nothing more then figments. A visible version of his fantasy world. You are jealous of where you think his ATTENTION might be going.

And there is the key. FANTASY world. Artist or not, most people create fantasies in their heads. They do it when they have partners, when they don't. It's not a sign of any judgement on the partner. It's just how a creative person behaves.

You are not in competition with figments. Your partner has already chosen you, and continues to pay attention to you. Figments are not standards to live up to. No one can look as good as the figments in the movies or the photoshopped covers of magazines. Figments are there to entertain. To amuse the mind. Perhaps even stimulate some lust and drive to try something with the very nice real world partner that one is with.

NO ONE can live up to the impossible standards of beauty, ticklishness, understanding whatever of our figments, and no one should try.

Live up to being the best you that you want to be. That is your challenge. You compete with yourself, not others, and especially not figments.

Myriads

Wow... Really well said. That hit a lot of nerves in a seriously good way. I feel a lot better about the situation. Thank you so much for your reply, I will try to stop comparing myself to fantasies, because you are right: I could never live up to them -- but I don't have to 🙂

Thank you!!! 🙂

 

[c7_assassin]

I agree with the above responses. They're fantasies.

I have to ask, do you get jealous if he looks at pornography or tickling videos too?

 

[darkharp]

Well put, Myriads 🙂. That's about the best advice you could receive, harp. I hope it gets better for you.

Thanks, love

 

[darkharp]

I agree with the above responses. They're fantasies.

I have to ask, do you get jealous if he looks at pornography or tickling videos too?

He doesn't really do that, actually. We're more the stories/tickling comics kind of people. I don't think I get jealous when he reads comics or anything, I always ask him for advice when I draw my own comics.

 

[c7_assassin]

Well, that's good to know.

If it will help, maybe you can ask him to write a story just for you once in awhile.

 

[darkharp]

Well, that's good to know.

If it will help, maybe you can ask him to write a story just for you once in awhile.

He did actually write one for me, about him and I. That was going great until I found out he had stopped writing mine and started a new story with his characters. I got a little upset by that... Things took a few steps backwards, but he apologised and finished my story and it was really great 🙂

But that's where we sit now 🙂

 

[jhanson]

Men who are grown-ups don't give a damn if a woman is perfect, tall, fit or whatever the media has programmed people to think. But the media's programming could be why he keeps drawing and writing about such women, to please his audience. Unless these are just for his own personal enjoyment. That, I would be concerned about. It sounds like something a lonely young teenage boy would do, but since he has you, it makes no sense to look elsewhere for fulfillment. I know all too well what being denied can do to you. Fetish-deprivation. Not cool.

 

[Libertine]

Art is about an ideal

Art is life refined. Before modern art debased society, painters painted idealised portraits, or simply made up beautiful faces and bodies to render on canvas. Sculptors fantasized about beautiful women or handsome well-muscled men, or used their skills to identify and erase the flaws of the people modeling for them so that perfection could be carved from marble. Playwrights write witty or tragic dialogue to be spoken by the most elegant and attractive actors and actress available to them. Novelists write books, for readers whose minds' eye sees the perfect embodiment of each character. And your boyfriend is simply carrying on the tradition.

Where would we be now had the wife of the fellow who sculpted the Venus de Milo objected to how beautiful her husband had made her, and he'd given in?

 

[WheresThe Clip?]

I have been quite upfront with my girlfriend in telling her that I am prepared to leave her for Nicole Kidman. For some reason she doesn't feel threatened by that

 

[chicago]

Meh, it's only stories. I wouldn't be too worried about it. Besides, you're the one he lives with, sleeps with, etc. If anything, the characters in his stories should be jealous of you 😛.

My bf makes tickle videos for a living and at times when I read the clip descriptions, sometimes I think "Man, I wonder if my reactions are as good as hers," or "I hope he thinks I'm as attractive as that girl..." and so on, but when I start thinking like that, I try to remind myself that I know he loves me and I know I'm the one he wants to be with and that matters more than some video chick who's only doing it for the money.

Chin up!

 

[darkharp]

Meh, it's only stories. I wouldn't be too worried about it. Besides, you're the one he lives with, sleeps with, etc. If anything, the characters in his stories should be jealous of you 😛.

My bf makes tickle videos for a living and at times when I read the clip descriptions, sometimes I think "Man, I wonder if my reactions are as good as hers," or "I hope he thinks I'm as attractive as that girl..." and so on, but when I start thinking like that, I try to remind myself that I know he loves me and I know I'm the one he wants to be with and that matters more than some video chick who's only doing it for the money.

Chin up!

Ooh. That's very true! I also wonder sometimes if I'm ticklish enough for him etc. etc. But you're right. I do try to remind myself that he loves me and wants to be with me 🙂

I'm trying harder and harder to build up my self esteem to believe in these things. All your comments and advice are helping a great deal. I feel better just knowing that other people sometimes think the same things or feel like they're not good enough 🙂

Thanks for the advice, everyone!

 

[TickleMantis]

I love you Darkharp, more than anything.

 

[Fat Bastard]

I love you Darkharp, more than anything.

Good man, but that daily New Zealand to Canada commute must be a bitch!

 

[Eternal Tomboy]

He writes because he likes to create and express himself. Much as any other artist. He writes ticking fiction because he finds the subject interesting, and it's a use of his talent that he gets some amusement out of.

As for feeling jealous of his creations, I doubt that you are, as his creations don't exist. He can't fuck them, have a relationship with them, or do any of the things that are enjoyable when you have a person to share your life with. They are nothing more then figments. A visible version of his fantasy world. You are jealous of where you think his ATTENTION might be going.

And there is the key. FANTASY world. Artist or not, most people create fantasies in their heads. They do it when they have partners, when they don't. It's not a sign of any judgement on the partner. It's just how a creative person behaves.

You are not in competition with figments. Your partner has already chosen you, and continues to pay attention to you. Figments are not standards to live up to. No one can look as good as the figments in the movies or the photoshopped covers of magazines. Figments are there to entertain. To amuse the mind. Perhaps even stimulate some lust and drive to try something with the very nice real world partner that one is with.

NO ONE can live up to the impossible standards of beauty, ticklishness, understanding whatever of our figments, and no one should try.

Live up to being the best you that you want to be. That is your challenge. You compete with yourself, not others, and especially not figments.

Myriads

Damn that's good stuff, Myriads. I have a couple of points to add to that....

Speaking as a writer, I can say that my stories have nothing to do with my relationship or how I feel about my husband. When inspiration hits (the kind that makes my mind go into creative hyper-drive and makes my fingers itch to get it all down on paper), it is an actual NEED to get it out so it can stop occupying my every thought. And when the creative writing process is working like a well-oiled machine, and I'm "in the zone" there is no greater high for me. Then every once in a blue moon (after I'm done writing the story), I'll go back and reread it for kicks, but for the most part, I forget about them. It has to do about expending creative energy, nothing more.

Does your partner fantasize about the characters in his stories? Probably.... I know I do. But again, that doesn't subtract from my feelings for my husband. Those fantasies are fleeting thoughts, and they change over time. But my relationship remains the cornerstone. Is your partner the subject of all the comics you draw? If not, does that mean you love him less?

The idea that one person can be someone's EVERYTHING is a ridiculous (and overly romantic) notion.... and also an exhausting one. It's something I've learned after 15 years of marriage. I can't be my husband's be-all-end-all any more than he can be mine. For example, I can't be the one who gets excited over sporting events with my husband (the way he would like), and he can't be the one I cry with at girlie movie (the way I would like... well, maybe not, lol). And along the same vein, my creative writing stories fill a spot in my life that nothing (or no one) else can. It's a place I can go to set up the absolutely PERFECT scenario that doesn't exist in reality. A place where the 'ler says and does everything perfectly, and I do everything perfectly, and everything ends up in a perfectly happily ever after. The end 😀 Real life has very little to do with it... that's what makes it fun!

I mentally put myself in the 'lee position of every story I've ever written, and I even mess with my own physical descriptives and ticklish reactions. In my stories, I've got the perfect build, and react more ticklishly than I would in real life. Why? Because I can 🙂 Because it's fun. Because who wouldn't want to be a size 6 again? 😉 Because who doesn't want to read about a crazy-ticklish 'lee? Because who doesn't want to BE a crazy-ticklish 'lee? The list goes on and on....

Try not to read too much into it. And don't exhaust yourself by trying to be his everything. You'll do nothing but make yourself crazy, and probably push him away in the process. Also, if you make him feel guilty about trying to express his fantasies the way he wants to, without censoring them, then he'll probably not want to share that part of his life with you anymore because he doesn't want to feel like crap, and he also doesn't want to make you feel like crap.

I think what you have is kind of magical - you both know the total extent of your fantasy lives and your involvement here on the TMF, and you're both really creative people who can share your creative outlets with one another. Do you know how RARE that is?? Stop over-analyzing and ENJOY IT!!

Just my two cents... or maybe it's a $1.50 at this point 🙂

 

[darkharp]

Damn that's good stuff, Myriads. I have a couple of points to add to that....

Speaking as a writer, I can say that my stories have nothing to do with my relationship or how I feel about my husband. When inspiration hits (the kind that makes my mind go into creative hyper-drive and makes my fingers itch to get it all down on paper), it is an actual NEED to get it out so it can stop occupying my every thought. And when the creative writing process is working like a well-oiled machine, and I'm "in the zone" there is no greater high for me. Then every once in a blue moon (after I'm done writing the story), I'll go back and reread it for kicks, but for the most part, I forget about them. It has to do about expending creative energy, nothing more.

Does your partner fantasize about the characters in his stories? Probably.... I know I do. But again, that doesn't subtract from my feelings for my husband. Those fantasies are fleeting thoughts, and they change over time. But my relationship remains the cornerstone. Is your partner the subject of all the comics you draw? If not, does that mean you love him less?

The idea that one person can be someone's EVERYTHING is a ridiculous (and overly romantic) notion.... and also an exhausting one. It's something I've learned after 15 years of marriage. I can't be my husband's be-all-end-all any more than he can be mine. For example, I can't be the one who gets excited over sporting events with my husband (the way he would like), and he can't be the one I cry with at girlie movie (the way I would like... well, maybe not, lol). And along the same vein, my creative writing stories fill a spot in my life that nothing (or no one) else can. It's a place I can go to set up the absolutely PERFECT scenario that doesn't exist in reality. A place where the 'ler says and does everything perfectly, and I do everything perfectly, and everything ends up in a perfectly happily ever after. The end 😀 Real life has very little to do with it... that's what makes it fun!

I mentally put myself in the 'lee position of every story I've ever written, and I even mess with my own physical descriptives and ticklish reactions. In my stories, I've got the perfect build, and react more ticklishly than I would in real life. Why? Because I can 🙂 Because it's fun. Because who wouldn't want to be a size 6 again? 😉 Because who doesn't want to read about a crazy-ticklish 'lee? Because who doesn't want to BE a crazy-ticklish 'lee? The list goes on and on....

Try not to read too much into it. And don't exhaust yourself by trying to be his everything. You'll do nothing but make yourself crazy, and probably push him away in the process. Also, if you make him feel guilty about trying to express his fantasies the way he wants to, without censoring them, then he'll probably not want to share that part of his life with you anymore because he doesn't want to feel like crap, and he also doesn't want to make you feel like crap.

I think what you have is kind of magical - you both know the total extent of your fantasy lives and your involvement here on the TMF, and you're both really creative people who can share your creative outlets with one another. Do you know how RARE that is?? Stop over-analyzing and ENJOY IT!!

Just my two cents... or maybe it's a $1.50 at this point 🙂

Thank you. It is really eye-opening to read something like that from another writer's perspective as well as a woman's. I really appreciate everyone's advice. It will take a bit of time, but with all the great advice and perspectives I've gotten I am starting to understand more and more. It was hard not to think of all the crazy "what ifs" when he wasn't able to give me a straight answer as to why he does it.

But after reading so many of people's opinions on the subject, I am starting to get a clearer picture. And you're right. I can't be his everything, but gosh darn it I sure do try!

Thank you, thank you, thank you EVERYONE! This has been a huge help.

And TM, I love you too. So much.

 

[ticklebunny 2]

DarkHarp, I just want to say I totally understand what you are going through, I really do. Sadly I myself really do not possess a really positive self image/body image of myself. I sadly so many times have battled with self-confidence and self body issues as a woman myself too. Many times I have battled this war in the past and so many times lately as of well. It is nothing ticklebear2 (bear) my hubby has done-he has done nothing wrong. I know he loves me very much and finds me very attractive and sexy-beautiful. It is just rough at times to feel confident w myself as well. I know how painful it can be to feel you are not good enough. Even though your partner can keep saying you are good enough, more than good enough-that you are great, beautiful, smart, witty, sees you as having wonderful one of a kind qualities-deep down in your mind-you see yourself as less than wonderful. That you become your worst critic. I know how it feels to strive to wish to ideally and unrealistically-wish to be your partner's "everything" While in theory that sounds great-it sadly can't be done. Like Myriads and so many have said-like I sadly have realized and have come to know personally-that kind of world is perfection-a utopia something /place that can't be reached. It is sadly not reality. We all have limitations and flaws along with strengths and weaknesses as individuals we carry and also that we carry in our relationships and interactions with people.

Sadly we can't control what someone does or responds to something-can't control how others see us-how they feel about us. While we crave and strive to wish to be our partner's everything that can't be-we are also individuals-we all should have seperate individual hobbies and passions-things that make each other different from our partner as well. While we want to be loved, cared for, adored, and wanted-loved too much-like to think /feel we -"everything" to our partner/gf /bf/ soulmate- we are not. It is true the battle is with truly ourselves and not with our partner-it is ourselves /insecurities /flaws in ourselves we have to emotionally reassure and convince that we are good enough-not the ones that truly love and adore us and cherish us-accept and love us as flawed as we all are. The battle lies within us-battle not with our partner-with ourselves. 🙁 If you want to talk or someone to listen, I am here for you pm me anytime. I have been there, still struggle with it-have a idea the pain of the emotional/mental misery you are going through.Hugs DarkHarp. Oh by the way great responses, great advice given to you-great advice-response Myriads-that is true. You have helped me greatly as well so thank you. Also sadly not just the pain and fear of rejection-fearing rejection just from your partner you share your love and life with-/date-also the fear of rejection -being rejected in general in the world by others too. I know this battle sadly too well. Hope things get better for you DarkHarp.

 

[TickleMyFancy]

I totally understand what you're going through. My boyfriend has a foot fetish, but only for teeny tiny feet, and I'm a size 9 (yikes!), and I always feel like I'm not what he wants, even though he swears up and down that it's all fantasy when he's looking at foot videos and whatnot.

But I'm sure you are satisfying your boyfriend plenty 🙂 The way I ended up looking at it is this- I'm flesh and blood, and willing to do basically anything you want, while those girls (or in your case, girls in the story) are just characters on a screen.

You're beautiful and he knows it. Most people in the world don't fall into the stereotypical "gorgeous" category, but every woman out there has something unique and beautiful about them, most definitely including you.

After all, you BOTH are into tickling! How win is that?!

 

[FLBowler]

You've been dating for a good amount of time, if he didn't like the relationship you guys had, and you have something very important about both of you in common, it's okay to worry, but remember that you are unique, treat yourself in your own mind as a complete gift, that he would never give away.