A new female member with question for males with girlfriends

[EvilTickler]

My boyfriend and I have gotten into arguments about his mean-spirited tickling ( EvilTickler is the nickname I gave him BEFORE he went overboard ). And I found out about all these websites by putting the words "tickle" and "abusive" on google.

I am very ticklish and hate to be tickled. He has always known this and never given me more than a few playful pokes-- which by itself makes me lose my breath laughing.

I never minded that, even though it was torture, because it was always playful. His playfulness recently changed into something more sadistic. He "showed me what real tickle torture was" ( his own words ).

We are already on the verge of breaking up, because of other things unrelated to tickling, and his mean streak is not making things easy.

Anytime I try to tell him I don't like what he's doing, it seems to provoke him even more.
His most common response is "If you don't like it, then why are you laughing?"

I'm not sure if I am over-reacting and maybe not being assertive enough.
I don't know all the rules of this board, so sorry if this seems negative, but I would like to know if others are hearing things like this from their girlfriends.

I can also be reached at [email protected]

P.W.

 

[daryl]

This sounds like a bigger issue than tickling. He is not respecting your limits and making you uncomfortable, doing something you don't want. That's bigger than the tickles. People here indulge in consensual play, and maybe even some fantasy about nonconsensual, but I think almost everyone agrees limits have to be respected.

You're not over-reacting, and that is a big problem.

 

[Tickler Bart]

I didn't see this post. It's a duplicate of the one above this so I posted my reply here & the other one. . .

SexyPeggy,
If you truly do NOT like to be tickled and he is becoming more sadistic & tickling you more, then that, I consider non-consentual & abusive in nature.
I, myself, do not encourage tickling against someone's will.
Apparently he gets off by tickling you BECAUSE you don't like it.
Not good. God knows what else he's capable of.
I would end this relationship AFTER the holidays. (Make him spend some cash on you first. Hahaha)
That's my opinion . . .

 

[Luv2Tickle69]

Tickling should NEVER be abusive or overtly forceful...while it can certainly be a "game" of control (where the 'ler seems to have the upper hand on the 'lee), the 'ler DEFINITELY needs to exercise control him/herself in order for the game of tickling to remain fun and exciting. When that chief factor is forgotten, then yes...tickling can become a cumbersome activity.

My first girlfriend wasn't very big on being tickled either...it took a good modicum of time to warm her up to it...but what won her over was my CONTROL....being able to STOP when I KNEW she needed me to, or before she needed me to...since most of my attempts at tickling her involved her feet (which was something I always did with gentle paces), it may have been made easier, since you don't have to go too crazy to make someone laugh when tickling their soles.

It's also a game of reciprocation....part of me always counted on being tickled in return whenever I'd start in with a lady I knew...in most cases, that's what would happen too! The lady would turn and say, "Hey...you always get to tickle my feet...let me tickle yours!!" For which, I would freely bare my soles and allow her to go as AWOL as she wished (because I love it!!)...with my first, she knew that about me and could plainly see how much fun I was having being tickled...but tickling wasn't the only thing I'd do to her feet....I'd also massage them for lengthy periods of time...I'd suck her toes, as well as other sensual things that didn't necessarily tickle as much...over time, she grew to appreciate tickling, and would eventually prop her feet on my lap and ASK me to tickle her...knowing that I'd make it fun, and vary it up with other scintillating activities.

It's GOT to be fun...to DO, and have DONE to you...when it's not fun anymore...it just isn't....and whatever makes it "un-fun" needs to be addressed, so that it CAN be made fun again. 😉 😀

 

[featherfingers]

I don't have anything to add to what Tickler Bart and Daryl have already said, except that in my case, my lady friend told me that she was becoming overstimulated by my tickling. She asked me if I'd do a massage instead of the tickling, and I honored her request. As time went by, she told me she had actually grown fond of being tickled, so I began tickling her more and now she looks forward to it whenever we are together.

I guess the point is that if someone continues doing something to you even after you've asked him to stop, he is being selfish and abusive. You'd be better off finding someone who will respect you AND your desires. You'll be a much happier person, I guarantee you that.

 

[magic fingers]

Personally I can't understand why anybody would hate being tickled. But whenever I've tickled a girl who didn't like it, I immediately stopped. Your bf isn't taking your feelings into account, and you've already met him halfway by allowing him to tickle you playfully in the first place. Since he's not respecting your wishes, tell him to stop or you'll dump him. Simple as that

 

[Myriads]

As a poster above noted, this issue speaks to more then just tickling. The behavior is at best not respectful of you, at worst abusive.

Your boyfriend is not respecting your boundries. You have provided a clear line that you do not wished crossed, and he has continued to step over it. And even make fun of you as he does it. This is not healthy for you (or him, but thats another kettle of fish)

Torture of many sorts can be a positive aspect of a relationship between a couple, but it has to be within the boundries which BOTH parties agree upon. This is not the case here.

It's not a matter of overreacting. He's doing something to you that you do not like. You have asked him not to. He continues.

Take the time to make one more clear statement. "I do not like it when you do..." and what will happen if he does "..." again. AND follow through if he does. So be sure you mean it.

Myriads

 

[Mimi]

Everyone has already given you great advice on this topic, so I won't waste anyones time by repeating them. I just wanted to say this: BREAK UP WITH THAT JACKASS AND MOVE ON. What he is doing to you is abusive and borderline assault. Being in a relationship like that is not healthy for you, and things could only get worse. This guy needs help of the professional kind. I feel sorry for any woman he gets into a relationship with after you.

Many of us here at the forum do enjoy more torturous forms of tickling. But it is completely consentual, and we ENJOY it. If someone truly does not enjoy something, it is wrong in every way to inflict it upon them. Please dear, for your own safety and sanity, get out of that relationship. You need to be with a man who will respect you and your boundries.

Mimi

 

[magic fingers]

Looking at your post again, brings to mind two questions.
1) You mentioned that there were other problems in the relationship in addition to the nonconsensual tickling. If those other problems didn't exist, would the tickling be as much of an issue?
2) You said you hate being tickled. Does that mean you hate being tickled everywhere? If for example, maybe you hate having your ribs tickled, but not quite as much on the feet. If that was the case could you tell your BF, he can tickle you in certain spots, but other areas are off limits? Just a suggestion although like I said before, it sounds like you've already made a compromise by letting him tickle you in a playful fashion.

 

[steph]

Well, as someone who's mostly insatiable in this respect, I can think of a few situations:
1) They suck at it, not everyone has "the touch"...
2) I only enjoy it if you're gentle, if you do that clawing into my ribs thing, I just sort of freeze up like I'm paralyzed. It doesn't tickle, it hurts and I don't enjoy it.
3) Being so sensitive, I occasionally get to a point where I'm just TOO sensitive and it's um, well, not good. I start to show signs of exhaustion, I sort of freak out, it takes a lot to get me there though, and I've been lucky enough to play with people who can read my signs...You gotta mix it up, move around, use different toys...

Now onto the more important question...Peggy~I'm with everybody else here. This guy is a sadist. If he cared about you OR your feelings, he'd respect your limits. Anyone who ignored my signs better enjoy the view from the back, because that'd be me walking away from them for the last time.

I'm getting a bad vibe about this boyfriend. These people who are into this kind of stuff tend to increase in their voraciousness for it as time goes on.
Although there are guys (as already mentioned) who might be able to show you the enjoyable side, I don't hear that wish coming from you. You just don't like it, period and you want your space and needs respected. If you intend to stay with him (and I'm not really feeling that either) Maybe some couples counseling is on order???
I wish you the best...

XOXO

Personally I can't understand why anybody would hate being tickled. But whenever I've tickled a girl who didn't like it, I immediately stopped. Your bf isn't taking your feelings into account, and you've already met him halfway by allowing him to tickle you playfully in the first place. Since he's not respecting your wishes, tell him to stop or you'll dump him. Simple as that

 

[Mitchell]

Hi Peggy,

Although Iam into tickling, I have never carried such to the forceful, and abusive level. Most of my tickling of girls has been playful and quick, and never to the point where I held down and tortured anyone against their will. I have in the past been on the receiving end of a few tortorous gang tickles and hated it, because I was pinned down by a group of girls, held against my will, and tickled unmercifully. That was not fun, and was abusive in nature. Now, as to your situation. It sounds to me from what you are describing that your boyfriend has a serious problem. I echo what Myriads and others have said. If in fact the tickling he is doing to you is forceful and abusive in nature, you hate being tickled to such a degree, and he is refusing to stop even when you tell him, that to me is violation of another person's rights and body, and cause for serious re evaluation or termination of a relationship. While in any relationship, partners appreciate if the other partner is kind, compromising and responsive to their needs, anything done to a person against their will, where the recepient feels that their body or rights are being violated, is very destructive to both the relationship, and the recepient's self esteem. It is belittling to be abused in any way, and, unfortunately, it sounds like your boyfriend's actions are definitely a form of abuse.
It also sounds to me like you have deeper problems with this guy besides just tickle torture. It sounds like there are deeper underlying issues that are causing trouble in the relationship. Ultimately, those are yours to evaluate, and solve with him, and I cannot advise what to do about that, but as to the tickling torture issue:
I agree with Myriads advice: If you have the desire to save the relationship, sit your boyfriend down and tell him in detail your feelings about this issue. Use resolve, and be strong and firm. If you desire to save the relationship, tell him that you feel abused with his escalating tickling antics, and this is not a healthy relationship, one person torturing another against their will. Make it clear to him that either he stops his abusive tickling, or you are going to break up with him. If he truly loves you, he will re evaluate his behavior, consider your feelings, and stop his behavior. If he cannot do these things, then it is probably time to break up with him, and move on. While this may hurt in the short term, in the long run if you are so unhappy about this issue, which you appear to be having posted it on our message board, then you will be better off finding someone else who doesnt treat you in such a manner.
I hope what I said helped, and if you need any other advice or such, please feel free to contact me anytime. Iam a good listener, and I dont like to see people being abused or forced to do things against their will in a relationship. Good Luck!

Also, when you get a chance, please check your Private Messages at the bottom of the page where all the different sub forums are. I left you a message in there. Take care, good luck, and I hope to hear from you with a Private Message soon.

All the best.
Mitch

 

[Duckie]

heres what duckie would do, but i dont advise it 😀
tie that mother fucker up and decide you have a water sports fetish and fancy trying it out on him. hahaaa

 

[bellystrokes]

Duckie, I like your way of thinking! I think the point would effectively get across. Of course, don't advise it.

 

[ticklemad]

His most common response is "If you don't like it, then why are you laughing?"

Sorry but this just rings huge alarm bells for me, that is exactly what my abusers told the courts and me when they used to tickle me whilst they raped and abused me and used my laughter as a cover up.

What that creep is doing to you is tantamount to abuse , I can only echo what Mimi has said - get the hell out of there whilst you can and find love with a guy that is going to respect you.

 

[KoocheeKoo]

SexyPeggy, your boyfriend is wrong...very wrong to use tickling or anything else to abuse you against your will.

I have a younger sister who was once tied to her bed and tickletortured by her drunk husband....when she was only 18 yrs old. They've been divorced since 84', but I hate Kevin just as much for tickling sis against her will.....as I do because of him beating and kicking her. Sis didn't even tell me about much of her torture at his hands (including being bound and tickled until she fainted) until over eleven years AFTER their divorce....sis didn't want me on death row for killing him (and she was wise not to tell me, because even today it wouldn't be a good idea for Kevin to cross my path...not even two decades later

If a lady dislikes being tickled....if a lady says no; even if she agrees to being tickled, but is sadistically tickled beyond her wishes....to the point of being traumatic or abusive, then the guy tickling her is wrong; he isn't a gentleman.

I've enjoyed tickling girls/ women since I was 11 years old. I've never hit a woman in my life....nor have I ever tickled a woman against her will...or beyond her wishes (when she said stop, I stopped).

Just my .02 cents worth...

 

[EvilTickler]

Hi everybody, and thanks for all your advice and feedback here and in e-mail.

I don't have time to respond to all the messages and e-mail right now, ( getting ready for school ) but I will.

After thinking about it and reading your messages, I realize that my boyfriends tickling doesn't bother me as much as his arrogance and selfish disregard for others.

He was fired from a very well paying job recently. I confronted him when he lied to me and told me it was because he made "mistakes". I then found out that he really got fired for yelling at his boss in front of other employees during an important meeting.

He was offered the choice of attending anger management classes and has refused.
Now to make matters worse, he has changed the passcodes on some of the computers and refuses to let them in unless they take him back without him having to take the classes.

I am very worried about him going to jail, but he just says " Daddy knows what he's doing."

Oh well. Enough of my soap opera life. Thanks again.

 

[featherfingers]

His arrogance will only get him in more hot water down the line if he doesn't get help. I admire your concern for him, but I can't help but think that if he acts that way toward co-workers and his boss, what will he do to you the next time he's angry. A little jail time will either help him think about his behavior or make him more angry. In any case, he's a time bomb ready to explode and you'll most likely be his next victim.

Are you afraid of losing him because you truly love him, or are you afraid that if you lose him, you may not find someone else to love? There's a big world out there full of good guys looking for a great lady. You'll have to decide what you're going to do. Please, don't be chained to an abuser.

 

[chrisheaven]

My advice is to ditch him as soon as you possibly can.
Do it and then get on with life- do not allow him to run yours.
Chris.

 

[Ace Riley]

...hmm.

I think half of you are being overly excessive. Let's give this woman a little credit, if he was the kind of person that completely deserved to be tossed on the side of the road, she would have done it by now. I'd like to think she was smart enough to recognize this...hearing only the negative things about anybody, including yourselves, to others will only give that side to the discussion, so look at things more abstractically.

Take action, if despite your attempts to correct his attitude, especially with regards to him tickling you or any other kind of physical contact, then take command and end this as soon as possible. Labeling yourself as unable to assert domain over your physical boundaries gives the impression that you'ed take any kind of contact, including a physically abusive one.

Or perhaps his immature attitude is to the levels of most older bro's and he's just trying to be an ass, but doesn't really understand he's hurting you. If this is the case he'd stop, though I'd still take caution.

I won't comment on his job situation. As it's not imo a topic for a forum of this topic (Though this is not to say I don't care.) Do take care, try not to overdo it, but don't become a target. I know I wouldn't take it myself. A little bit of action on my wifes part when I make mistakes may be something I don't initially like, but if he's anything resembling a man, he'll at least try to open his eyes and look beyond himself.

Luck to ya'...

---Ace

 

[EvilTickler]

Thank you all again. I will return the e-mails when I get some time.

And thank you Ticklemad for sharing your painful story. Thankfully I haven't experienced anything close to that.



P.W.

 

[Mitchell]

Evil, I dont like to ever impress my advice upon anyone else, but I went through a similar situation in my life with a close family member of mine, and I can assure you, that without therapy, anger management, or a willing person, it does not get better.
You and I dont know each other that well, but I dont see my father. (That is a long story which I wont get into, but Iam posting this to show how patterns do not improve) In 1981, my father got into trouble for taking money from a client who at the time was a famous movie director. After court cases and litigation, he was forced to pay the client hundreds of thousands in damages and restitution to avoid criminal prosecution and the loss of his CPA license. After the mess settled, my mother threatened to divorce him if he didnt get help for his unethical business practices, and his abuse of us. He went to treatment, but only did so to prove he was "right", and then 6 years later, a similar situation happened again where a client ended up in trouble with the FAA, and upon investigation of the client's financial records, it was found my father had taken money from HIM as well, and another series of long litigations started which almost ruined him. He again went to treatment for a short time, but didnt listen, and continues to be a mentally ill man who I cant deal with. He is sadistic, and cruel.
I opened my personal life up to you to bring out this point. From what you posted about how your boyfriend treats you, and his job problems, he sounds like he is a guy with serious issues that need to be dealt with. If he doesnt get help, his pattern of sadistic and anti social behavior will continue. (Trust me, I know this from my father) His treatment of you, abuse on the job, and such are indications of very serious problems. If the guy does not get help, he will carry his pattern from one person to the other, constantly screwing up relationship after relationship, and job after job.
Someone needs to get through to this guy that he needs anger management and deep counseling for his problems. If not, it is likely a sprialing downward trend will continue, as it did with my father.

I dont know if any of what I said helped, but I wanted to interject my own experiences with a guy like this to try and give it some perspective. Good Luck. It sounds like a bad situation.


Mitch

P'S Thanks for saying you will respond to all the PM's. It is appreciated. I look forward to hearing from you with a PM whenever you have the time. Take care.