Anger - How do you stop?

[ticklemad]

Feeling such intense anger and hatred for someone, even though you know it is such a negative and wasted emotion, yet a valid one in the circumstances? How do you rid yourself of it and move it on when it is mixed up with feelings of such pain and hurt to the extent that you even start blaming yourself?
How do you all deal with it?

 

[steph]

Hi Hon~

I always try to look at it like this: If you give into those feelings, those that you hate win, in a sense. Why? Because you're giving over your power to them and they can feed off that. If you can look at them and learn just to say, "Eh~you're not worth it," then YOU come out the winner. No wasted energy, no lost time. Hope it helps a little.

XOXO

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

I agree with what Steph said and will just add one little thing to it. Letting them see you move on and be the better person is a huge slap in the face. Emotions will remain hot for a bit. But, refusing to give them the control is a must.

When I was dealing with intense anger about past abuse, I turned it into a positive of sorts by taking all that energy it churned up and using it to accomplish some positive things. Of course, there was the time that I pretended a bush along the riverbank was one of my abusers and beat the crap out of it with a branch before ripping it out and tossing it into the river. But, I recommend the more productive methods. 😉

Ann

 

[TummyDragon]

in addition to the excellent advice these fine young ladies have given, I would just add that to release those internal feelings of agression, the flaming bag of dog poo on their porch is an excellent venting manure.. er, maneuver..

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Feeling such intense anger and hatred for someone, even though you know it is such a negative and wasted emotion, yet a valid one in the circumstances? How do you rid yourself of it and move it on when it is mixed up with feelings of such pain and hurt to the extent that you even start blaming yourself?
How do you all deal with it?

I've been here many times. Growing up in the house that I grew up in, I was made to feel that an overcast morning was my fault, so blaming myself for things wasn't a stretch of any consequence.
The only thing that heals is time, really, and only some of the way, unless you can find an outlet to dump all that energy and bad karma. The hurt goes away when you can come to an understanding of the other person's actions, and of just what made that person do something like that, whatever it is. You certainly don't have to forgive. It helps if you understand, though.
I have a friend here who's a member, I talk to her through IM. The abuse she suffered at the hands of a deranged husband is something that she has to live with still, every day, even though she escaped his clutches twenty years ago. Each day, she has to live with it, it constantly reminds her in some manner, and she can't seem to get past it, after hours and hours of therapy. She can't even understand. She never tires of telling me about all of it, either, I guess because I walk around with a sign over my head that says, "I listen." That's what it must be.
I guess what I'm saying is that you're not alone, Ticklemad, my dear friend. I have always thought that if you talk it out with people you trust, it helps...

 

[Iggy pop]

I live by one Motto: Don't Get Mad. Get Even.

 

[steph]

I must respectfully disagree Igg~If one is patient and watches history unfold, you'll start to notice something interesting IMHO~the universe exacts its own revenge against those who deserve it. I could tell you a few true "my life" stories that would turn your hair white...

XOXO

 

[Iggy pop]

I must respectfully disagree Igg~If one is patient and watches history unfold, you'll start to notice something interesting IMHO~the universe exacts its own revenge against those who deserve it. I could tell you a few true "my life" stories that would turn your hair white...

XOXO

Are you telling me you can make my hair white even without bleach?

I'll admit sometime patience is virtue that I lack to some degree. Yes I agree the Universe can exact it's own revenge, but I just like to speed it up the Universe's time table just a bit.

 

[BigJim]

And there was me thinking you liked me TM.


😛

 

[ticklemad]

And there was me thinking you liked me TM.


😛

Aaaaw - Oh I do like you Jim - but only in certain positions, ie when I've got you screaming like a girly😛


Thanks folks for all the advice, it's always easier said than done though isn't it.

 

[BigJim]

Hem-hem! I don't recall screaming at all, let alone like a girlie. 😛

 

[ticklemad]

Selective memory syndrome strikes again I see😛

 

[steph]

LOTS of practice hon. You can do it!
XOXO

Thanks folks for all the advice, it's always easier said than done though isn't it.

 

[Leo tickles]

You don't.

 

[drew70]

There are so many levels to anger. From mild annoyance to irritation, to a state of being pissed off, to being furious...then you start getting into the deeper levels such as rage and full blown hatred.

Most of the milder levels of anger are fairly easily processed for most of us. When we're talking about the level described by TickleMad, there are no easy answers. The advice of Steph and Ann is good advice, but in the end, it is advice born out of reason and logic. When your experiencing anger to nth degree, reason and logic aren't as persuasive as they are to a cool head.

If you're thinking of revenge, the best advice I can give is to wait 24 hours before reacting. Give yourself time to let logic and reason reclaim your conscious thinking.

If the anger is just eating away at you on a daily basis, then you have to come up with some way to process it and move on. Sometimes this can be accomplished by expressing your anger in a letter to the offending party. Sometimes you don't even need to send the letter. Just articulating your anger in this manner is sometimes enough. A face to face can work, but a letter is much better as you can think about what's bothering you and express it without being interrupted or derailed.

Anger is a powerful emotion. If processed well, it can be a positive experience. Unprocessed anger is very destructive and can literally ruin an otherwise likeable and friendly person.

I wish you the best, TickleMad.

 

[WorkInProgress]

Much of our emotion is involuntary and just has to run its course, but there are of course things we can do to mitigate extremes. In the case of anger, I think much of the time--actually, I'll put this in first person singular--when I'm intensely angry at somebody, it's because I somehow feel my identity assaulted by that person, and think I'd be able to accept myself better if only that person had cooperated. Ironically, one of my all-time closest friends now, a woman with whom I spend so much time that people sometimes think we're dating, was someone I was intensely angry at for two whole years, with a truly irrational element of obsession, based on a moment when I felt slighted by her. And in truth, even if she wasn't at her best in that moment (which at this point was six years ago), I still read a lot into it that wasn't there, and allowed my self-esteem to be affected. In your case, Ticklemad, I would guess from your post that the cause of your anger isn't nearly so petty, but still, what I might suggest is whether at least some portion of your anger is really a symbolic representation of your own sense of self, and see if there's something internal you can work on for more peace of mind. (This may or may not apply or help, so I just offer it in case it does.)

 

[kis123]

The fact that you took an emotional risk by posting this thread in the first place tells me you're much more emotionally mature than you give yourself credit for. Don't beat yourself up for being human-human's get angry and reasoning simply isn't always there. You have to decide at the end of the day who gets the power and control over your life-you or your enemy?

It is a process that took me nearly thirty years to figure it out. I come from a family of vengeful people. If you do something to them, they'll cut you at the knees and tear your heart out. So I had to learn how to let go. I had to let go when my alcoholic adulterous father mistreated me, my mother, and sisters. I had to let go when schoolkids harrassed me. I had to let go when my 10-year marriage failed because I married a man just like my father(except he doesn't drink). The list of offenses are endless, but I can't control the actions of other people. I can only control my reaction and response to them.

I hope this has helped you. Wallowing in a sea of anger opens the door for some dangerous behavior.

 

[Wicker Man]

This may sound stupid but I purchased a paperback edition of Moby Dick and highlighted the most vicious points of Captain Ahabs hatred of the white whale. His hatred for Moby Dick consumed him and ultimately killed him and even as he died he cursed the white whale. Its not a true story but some people (cops especially) have that kind of hatred witin them and it eats them up day after day until their whole personality changes. Is it worth it to end up like Ahab? No. Heck tomorrow is the celebration of Jesus rising from the dead after the most unjust death sentence in human history. Did he seek vengeance upon his executioners? He is God and with a thought could have wiped out the entire Roman and Jewish populations. Think about it.

 

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah, he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

Interesting, the observation on Moby Dick. I really should give it a read. From the little I do know of it, the irony of Captain Ahab's anger is that it's not the great white whale that means him any harm, but rather the precise reverse.

 

[BigJim]

Interesting thread this is turning out to be. Kis, you in particular enlighten me. 🙂

 

[kis123]

Yeah, he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

The only problem I have with this is that nowadays, people do "know what they do", they know it hurts, yet they do it anyway because they don't care. You have to forgive and let go anyway because if you don't then they achieve their objective which is to hurt you and make your life miserable. I can guarantee you they're not losing one second of sleep over what they said or did to offend you.

It goes back to what I said earlier about who are you going to allow to control your life? You seem like someone who is very nice but is sensitive in your personality. Personally, I think it's great, but predators and bullies find it as a weakness and will exploit it at your expense. These people are fearful and insecure. They will belittle you in order to make themselves seem bigger and better. They're losers who will always be at the bottom of life's barrel regardless of financial or social status. You're far bettter than they'll ever be and you will get through this.

I wish you well and, from someone who's been where you are, I know you'll look back at this someday in awe and wonder at how far you've grown.

 

[kis123]

Interesting thread this is turning out to be. Kis, you in particular enlighten me. 🙂

Always glad to oblige. Anything in particular you care to elborate?

 

[ticklemad]

Kis you are an inspiration and I know every word you have said is true, I just wish I could understand what holds me back with this. There are areas I have been able to let go of in my life and move on from even if sometimes they come back to haunt you every now and again, but this is really getting to me and despite professional therapy, writing it down, putting it onto tape etc - I just cant get rid of it and it eats me up inside and reflects onto how I am with others, which usually lands up pushing them away and leaving me feel very alone as I am now.

I know it has to be me that changes and I know what you say about you have to decide who is going to control your life, I know the people involved are bullies and insecure, but you dont just lose the pain by saying So What I couldn't give a damn to them. If only life were that simple.

 

[kis123]

Kis you are an inspiration and I know every word you have said is true, I just wish I could understand what holds me back with this. There are areas I have been able to let go of in my life and move on from even if sometimes they come back to haunt you every now and again, but this is really getting to me and despite professional therapy, writing it down, putting it onto tape etc - I just cant get rid of it and it eats me up inside and reflects onto how I am with others, which usually lands up pushing them away and leaving me feel very alone as I am now.

I know it has to be me that changes and I know what you say about you have to decide who is going to control your life, I know the people involved are bullies and insecure, but you dont just lose the pain by saying So What I couldn't give a damn to them. If only life were that simple.

My dear, who ever told you it was going to be simple?

It's going to be the most grueling and painful experience you'll will ever go through. You have to fight your emotions and natural tendencies. You have to combat the thoughts that come out of nowhere. You have to work through your pain and come out on the other side changed. If not you'll either stay the same or get worse. You didn't post to this thread to settle for either of those options.

You simply do not have any other choice if you expect to get better and not allow this to consume your life. Start with a quality decision to get better and rise above this. Work slowly, fail, and get back up and fail again. You'll start to see that you're not failing as much and the thoughts and feelings start to come under control.

BTW, stop gravitating towards the type of people who created the problem in the first place! Get to know the part of you that attracts predators and losers and deal with that first before you allow anyone else into your life. You have enough to deal with as it is-more people just make it worse.

You're very honest with yourself and continue to be that way. If you're honest with yourself and deal with things as they come, you'll get to know yourself better. Sometimes we get in relationships so we don't have to deal with ourselves. You're worth getting to know and stop relying on others to validate you.

I don't mean to preach so I'm getting off my soapbox now. If you'd like to talk further, I can always be PM'd if you want.

 

[lightninbug]

When ALL else fails;

Just my 2 cents; when someone takes up THAT much of our waking moments, our subconscience, our dreams etc. to where we think of nothing else...stop a moment & consider how much sleep this person is losing over this same episode.
If I was a betting man (& I AM), I'd wager that the cause of all this grief still walks this earth w/ either an unconcerned smile on their well-rested face & acting like an infant who just soiled their diapers ie: TOTALLY UNAWARE of all the trouble they've caused someone else..........OR they are evil enough to be searching for the "next contestant" , another person to make feel smaller so that they forget how insignificant THEY ARE.
What Kis said is totally on the money. It's a good bet that time spent on reflection of how these TROLLS creep into our lives won't be wasted effort. Nothing worthwhile is EVER simple and wouldn't it be nice if time could be spent on a thousand other avenues instead of Self-defence/ centered thought.
My Grandfather used to say that people will Shit on you thru your whole life & there's no gettin away from that fact; where he had trouble was when they started "rubbin' his nose in it", thats when the fur started flyin'.

Action may be broken down to 3 avenues;
1)change the way you look at the situation
2)change the situation itself or
3)continue on the same course & await change.

I HATE BULLIES
Good Luck
BUG