Being accepted with the fetish

[rhiannon]

There used to be a time when "Honesty is the best policy" was regular

There is such a thing as the right moment for honesty and there always has been.

I really don't know how to make things work in a manner where I won't feel like I've been scammed over, because with every honest intention, even without mentioning tickling, it seems that girls just don't want to take me as is.

Seems like not tickling is your problem, but your self-esteem.

 

[scorpionldr]

Seems like not tickling is your problem, but your self-esteem.

well self-esteem is given/shared, not randomly generated.

 

[BlackestLily]

Have you noticed people have been more accepting to your fetish?
OR
Is there a certain group of people like best friends, boyfriends, girlfriends that are more accepting?

Thoughts, stories, objections?

Having never told those friends who I'm not sure if they are kink friendly, I cannot comment on that end. As for acceptance of my fetish? It literally has never been an issue. I have been with those who aren't into it and don't get it, but they generally get A through C for effort. I have found that when you truly connect with someone, they enjoy making you happy, including sexually. As an added side note I tend to avoid close minded people.

Okay dude, you're getting to be a broken record. Read what I'm saying and flippin' LISTEN.

I'm personally nominating you to be a Forum Counselor Fetish Coach. I tend to find most, if not all, of your insights are spot on. I'll piggyback with a compliment that I'm surprised you tend not to get the number of dates you look for because you seem very intuitive, intelligent and (for lack of a better word) "adult".

There is a difference between being into tickling and being gay that I think is very significant:

If you want to lead a normal, open life with your sexuality, everybody will know that you are gay, because they will meet your partner.
Nobody needs to know what turns you on in your bedroom though, except your SO!

Therefore, it is totally irrelevant if anybody but them accepts your fetish. It is your and their business only!

Yup! Agreed! Also, I really believe if you look for acceptance from everyone, you're going to live a very disappointed life.

Maybe you should, tho. There used to be a time when "Honesty is the best policy" was regular. Maybe it's changed and I have to get with the times. OK.

It's kind of a bit off topic, buuuut I kept it all multi-quoted so I'll go off on my tangent. 🙂

Honesty IS the best policy. Over-share isn't. I can assure you, once someone is committed to you and enjoys you, MOST of the time they are willing to do those "fetishy things" to make you happy. Your happiness is theirs. On a place like Okcupid, your profile is their first impression of who you want to tell the world you are. If you show an ounce of obsession (ie mentioning tickling 3 times), someone will multiply that in their head and think, "Wow...no thanks." You're going for emphasis, but it isn't necessary.

I really don't know how to make things work in a manner where I won't feel like I've been scammed over, because with every honest intention, even without mentioning tickling, it seems that girls just don't want to take me as is.

Let me offer a bit of Skippy-wisdom:

Until you find your "goal person" (whether that means long term commitment, marriage, etc), really ANY relationship isn't taken "as is". That's why we date: to wade through all the people and all the bullshit to find someone who makes you feel like you wonder what you did without them. If you center your thoughts around the rejection and "failed" attempts, it does seem overwhelming. But news flash...we ALL go through that, and will continue to, until we find what we want!

Change your thoughts. Every date is a learning experience. It brings you closer to what you want. It reveals what you will and will not accept. It's practice to hone your skills to be a better person and partner. Don't allow the negativity to take over because it certainly won't help you, and to be blunt...it's not attractive. 😉

 

[rhiannon]

well self-esteem is given/shared, not randomly generated.

If you depend on others to build your self-esteem, you're up for a rough ride! But if you're happy with who you are, others will be, too. How can others accept you if you don't?

 

[jhop220]

Maybe you should, tho. There used to be a time when "Honesty is the best policy" was regular. Maybe it's changed and I have to get with the times. OK.

I know this was in reference to another post, but I'd like to add my take. Honesty works very well in certain situations. When it comes to sexual preferences...you should be honest when you are asked or if the conversation goes down that road. You don't put yourself out there on sexual level. Discrepancy is your friend in these situations. Use it man.

in all fairness tho (and I know this sounds pathetic) any time I see the word tickling mentioned anywhere on a profile, I get interested. maybe it's a bad thing. I can't really change that.

Ok so you are interested. Good, but don't let it dictate your conversations or actions. Calm down, take a deep breath, and have a subtle casual conversation. See where it leads you and if the situation presents itself then you can use your honesty.

Let's honestly look at this in fairness. Women tend to be more reactive than men. On the other hand, some girls (a LOT in my area) it's almost like they're just waiting on the chance to pin you for wanting to fuck around.

You see I don't see this as fair at all. You are grouping all women into one category. Some women are exactly as you just said while other aren't. You have to be calm, cool, and collected in these situations.

Again, preference is subjective, but maybe if things were shared, there wouldn't be a problem.

Thing do get shared as they progress in the relationship (not romantic but general relationship). It will go down those roads if things pick up.

..............it seems like it's every girl tho. I meet (or used to meet) girls with problems like that that occurred at such a high rate of frequency it became a normality.

So you must look into yourself because if so many girls were doing that then problem isn't with them...it is with what you are doing. I'm not trying to be mean here, but very up front with you. You have to change the way you go about these things. Be yourself by all means, but keep the sexual preferences to yourself until the situation presents itself.

because people make it seem like those are the two ends of the spectrum! Men have been generalized and normalized into this stereotype that we're lazy when we're uninterested, and viagra commercial hard when we're interested!

If that is true then it is up to you to break that stereotype through conversation. I don't believe that is true because women have told me differently. If you present yourself the right way without diving immediately into your fetish...I guarantee you will see better success.

ask yourself this: is 20 minutes of tickling "playtime" really a lot to ask of anyone? Because that's all I want at a given moment.

It is if you are going directly to that while first meeting someone. It absolutely is too much to ask.

On the other hand, some deny the truth because their experience doesn't hold true to that of another.

Perhaps, but don't worry about other people right now. Concentrate on yourself and other things will fall into place. You have to make yourself look better by not allowing your fetish to dictate your actions.

Ok. Let me offer a bit of a breakdown to this.

I once was evaluated. I was systematically (now that I recall) put in a position that I became negative about (this evaluation came through a social work pipeline as well, I'm not going to feed a lot of detail into this short story). I went in. Took all the testing. Got evaluated by a psychiatrist who strongly recommended drugs because "I have a dark side". Well when you're manipulated, of course you'll be! But then again, I have a history. Either way. My claim was threatened to be canceled if I didn't go for the whole drug/therapy regimen. Well, we know what I chose.
A month later I come into a free college mental health counseling office. Third question in, "are you on any drugs for ________"?

So why the focus on drugs? Because most "patients" are suffering a depression as a result of lost time. Their social skills are thrown out of whack, they have to become more docile to hearing people, letting people boost them up (and I've heard from people, so I know what I'm talking about). WHY? Because prime social skills are learned in grade school years and up to the end of high school and college. By that point, you either have it or you don't. The methods of true rehabilitation are a laborious process in which a person has to begin from square one and follow every step streamlined to get where he/she wants to be. Institutions, knowing they don't have the resources to provide, offer drugs and therapy, as a means to soften the blow.

I have a degree in Science of Psychology. I do not like drugs for therapy unless there is no other possible recourse. In your situation, I don't think you need drugs at all. Every human has a dark side to them. It is how you manage it and overcome it that will define you as a person. Some give in to it, and some overcome it. Group therapy is a wonderful option so that you can actively relate with others going through the same exact situation. I would tell you that the best course would be to sit down, understand and accept your flaws, and overcome the thoughts of the fetish that consume you while talking to the opposite sex. This is something no drug can make you do...you have to do it on your own. As I tell people that I talk with...I don't hold the key to the locked door your looking to open...you have the key...I can only guide you to the door.

I believe through your previous post that your a generally nice person. I do believe you have your issues, but you can overcome them if you choose to do so. You got to make that commitment though.

Look, I'm not so angry that I can't meet fetish women. I'm angry that I can't meet women in general. That generally, I'm stereotyped out to the point where I have to be either the hardass that doesn't give a shit or the dumb puppy that will follow every desire of a girl and try to make them met in order to get attention. And the fetish, while not a horrible thing, adds additional hamper to the situation. I really don't know how to make things work in a manner where I won't feel like I've been scammed over, because with every honest intention, even without mentioning tickling, it seems that girls just don't want to take me as is.

I understand the frustration. I really do, but I came to a realization long ago. That realization is that I'll never get to a point where I can meet a good woman until I accept who I am and not be afraid of it. I use discretion on bedroom talk at first because honestly you should. Leave that alone and then go into it when talks get better. Be who you are first and foremost. If the woman rejects it...fuck it...you are who you are and that is good enough.

Like I said man...be yourself, but don't go into the sexual talk so soon. Let thing progress first and everything else will fall in place.

 

[JennyTickles]

i could give two damns about what ppl think about my fetish for tickling ^_^

-but it is hard for some ppl to accept it, so i cant be mean towards ppl that are. All in good fun ^_^

 

[Mane'o]

Good attitude JennyTickles. I predict you will make many friends both within the tickle community and outside of it.

 

[scorpionldr]

If you depend on others to build your self-esteem, you're up for a rough ride! But if you're happy with who you are, others will be, too. How can others accept you if you don't?

Look. There are varying levels of confidence. One is inside, one is outside, and one is interpersonal. In myself, I don't care. Outside, I don't care because I don't feel others care. Interpersonally, I know someone would make a big deal out of it. So I don't discuss it.

Knowing who you are is one degree of confidence. Letting others know who you are is another. Sharing with another is the last one.

So beyond yourself, confidence is given, not self-generated; you have to believe in someone else taking you seriously to believe you are able to bond with another person. Very few members of the opposite sex can prove that they actually give a damn. Sorry, just how it works.

 

[rhiannon]

So beyond yourself, confidence is given, not self-generated

That's what I used to think. Didn't work. Once I started accepting myself, so did others. I've been where you are, I'm just giving my experiences.

 

[scorpionldr]

That's what I used to think. Didn't work. Once I started accepting myself, so did others. I've been where you are, I'm just giving my experiences.

I understand, just I don't know what to think anymore. I used to think it was me; that the whole "aware guy with his own sense of style and own set of concerns" was it. Now I look at my area. Everything about my area is congested in population; people don't have that European zest for life here..........everyone's in everyone's way, and they show it in their faces. Which is why despite my best efforts, I only really find dates from the net.

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

Well confidence in one self doesn't stop criticism. It just makes it less damaging to one self-esteem. On the other hand, not everything that makes you happy should be accepted in society. e.g. treating people or their property like crap. If it makes you happy to make other's miserable I don't care how much you like yourself. its unacceptable.

Also, a hockey fan has nothing in common with football fans. So sometimes it better to do as the roman's do or you may be alone. Just know your audience. Its cool to accept yourself as who you are as long as you realize that some may not like it and they may have good reason.

I accept myself the way I as for my fetish. There are some I will tell and others its none of their business.

 

[Jagermeistered]

Look. There are varying levels of confidence. One is inside, one is outside, and one is interpersonal. In myself, I don't care. Outside, I don't care because I don't feel others care. Interpersonally, I know someone would make a big deal out of it. So I don't discuss it.

Knowing who you are is one degree of confidence. Letting others know who you are is another. Sharing with another is the last one.

So beyond yourself, confidence is given, not self-generated; you have to believe in someone else taking you seriously to believe you are able to bond with another person. Very few members of the opposite sex can prove that they actually give a damn. Sorry, just how it works.

"Varying levels of confidence"

Sorry, the chaos in your life is self-perpetuating. You are destroying something that is so simple by unnatural division("levels of confidence"). Every value you hold about yourself is intrinsic. Every extrinsic valuation, is a opinion based off of somebody else's observation of you. Some of those observations should be taken into consideration; however, most observations are way off-base. They are basically in a much worse frame(or, same frame) of mind like you.

Also, confidence is "self-generated," we are not androids yet...

 

[scorpionldr]

"Varying levels of confidence"

Sorry, the chaos in your life is self-perpetuating. You are destroying something that is so simple by unnatural division("levels of confidence"). Every value you hold about yourself is intrinsic. Every extrinsic valuation, is a opinion based off of somebody else's observation of you. Some of those observations should be taken into consideration; however, most observations are way off-base. They are basically in a much worse frame(or, same frame) of mind like you.

Also, confidence is "self-generated," we are not androids yet...

It's not natural, it's influenced. It doesn't come from nowhere. You see it all the time; parents influence, friends influence, other members of family influence. So I don't see what's so "natural" about it anyhow.

As far as your androids comment, I'd challenge it in saying anytime that someone simply blows off a simple question in the response "you just need confidence" I'd offer the response "you just need to have someone serve you some fresh shit every once in a while". At least the latter is "natural". Confidence is not magic. This mistaken judgement is all too frequently made.

 

[jhop220]

It's not natural, it's influenced. It doesn't come from nowhere. You see it all the time; parents influence, friends influence, other members of family influence. So I don't see what's so "natural" about it anyhow.

As far as your androids comment, I'd challenge it in saying anytime that someone simply blows off a simple question in the response "you just need confidence" I'd offer the response "you just need to have someone serve you some fresh shit every once in a while". At least the latter is "natural". Confidence is not magic. This mistaken judgement is all too frequently made.

I hope you read my advice earlier in this post...last post on page 2..perhaps it will help

 

[scorpionldr]

I hope you read my advice earlier in this post...last post on page 2..perhaps it will help

and you assume that because I'm not open that I'm making everything sexual.

 

[jhop220]

and you assume that because I'm not open that I'm making everything sexual.

I'm not assuming...I base it off of what you have stated. I think your afraid to open up to be perfectly honest with you. You have a very large fear of rejection. I certainly can relate to that.

You have to overcome that fear and accept who you are. If you aren't happy with yourself then nobody will be happy with you. Confidence isn't always an easy trait to have, but it is obtainable if you want it. You have to start by accepting who you are and allowing rejection to be one of two things. Either you let it roll off your back and say "fuck it," or you learn a bit about constant rejection. What is it about you that consistently turns women off? From everything you have stated...it is trying to tickle them or talk about tickling constantly. So, if that is the cause and the effect is rejection...Well, perhaps you should tone it down a bit...

No, it isn't fair man. Life isn't fair. It isn't right that people can't be 100% honest with each other from day 1, but that is the reality we live in. Using discretion isn't being dishonest by the way. I feel like your a good person. You probably have a lot to offer someone, but you can't be overindulgent on your fetish. Just be yourself, but tone it down on the tickling right away (be that sexual or not). Tone it down...allow things to progress before you go right into it.

 

[Jagermeistered]

It's not natural, it's influenced. It doesn't come from nowhere. You see it all the time; parents influence, friends influence, other members of family influence. So I don't see what's so "natural" about it anyhow.

As far as your androids comment, I'd challenge it in saying anytime that someone simply blows off a simple question in the response "you just need confidence" I'd offer the response "you just need to have someone serve you some fresh shit every once in a while". At least the latter is "natural". Confidence is not magic. This mistaken judgement is all too frequently made.

Confidence and influence are two differing subjective ideaologies(prove me fucking wrong). In regards to your 'android' rebuttal: "you just need to have someone serve you some fresh shit every once in a while".

Why? Why does it have to be a bag of shit? I would call it insecurity! That is just me...

 

[Jagermeistered]

and you assume that because I'm not open that I'm making everything sexual.

You are on a fucking porn site, but I am not fucking horny(feeling sexual)?

 

[Phineas]

In scorpion's defense, I've been thinking a lot about the whole confidence/self-image thing lately, for various reasons. It comes from within, but it most certainly comes from without as well; you can't really expect someone who's been abused, shit on, and rejected for their entire life to have a particularly healthy self-esteem or positive view of themselves and others; they're either going to think they're a complete waste of space and thus somehow deserve the abuse they're getting, or they're going to think everyone else is some kind of raving asshole for dumping on them unwarrantedly.

(Not saying scorpion is either of these extremes, I'm just spouting some generic examples.)

Take me, for instance. Lily can't understand why no one will date me. I don't understand it, either. In terms of self-image, I think I'm pretty damn great. I'm not a model, but I'm good-looking, especially for my age (no one ever believes I'm as old as I am). I'm college-educated. I play multiple musical instruments. I make good money (most of the time, anyway. I'm gambling on a startup right now.) I am, for all intents and purposes, a good person. I know my strengths, weaknesses, good points, and faults. I'm not overly angry, or abusive, or lazy. I'm not perfect, but I am human. I'm cool with all of this.

However, no one ever says yes when I ask them out. My only options are online dating, where (and statistics back them up) I will by virtue of being a male suffer a 10% response rate. Mine is actually lower than that, despite having a lengthy, well-written profile and some excellent photos taken by a near-professional photographer friend of mine. I do everything you're supposed to do that people say will make you appear favorably in terms of people wanting to date you. Except... none do.

Here's the funny thing, though; I have a vast amount of numerical data that supports the notion that, on a whole, women don't find me attractive. But if I say that, I get told I don't have confidence or self-esteem. Heck, you can wander back to that thread here about whether or not it's a good idea to compliment women on their feet in public, where I write at length about how interacting with people can sometimes feel like a guessing game that you get hammered at for losing, and Cif (female), chimed in with a snark about how it was "obvious" why no one wanted me.

You want a further mindfuck? My female friends like to post articles on Facebook from feminist websites, or rant about guys who approach them. You also see it on dating sites, where women complain about "come ons" from guys who clearly don't measure up to whatever standards they think they deserve. The message, then, is that these guys should clearly have known that she wouldn't be interested, and needs to be shamed for talking to her anyway. That stupid, clueless guy, they say, what possessed him to think I'd want his sorry ass?

What possessed him, indeed. Confidence and a healthy self-image, maybe? That guy thought he was worth her time. She disagreed. And, of course, her opinion mattered. His didn't.

We love to line up, point, and laugh at "clueless" people for not knowing their limitations; we don't watch American Idol to see who wins, we watch to see who Simon Cowell is going to rip a new one for. That idiot didn't know they couldn't sing? What planet do they live on, anyway?

And yet, at the same time, how many of those people were encouraged to follow their dreams, to go audition anyway, to have the courage and the confidence to take the shot?

I figured there must be something wrong with me. After all, I was all sorts of great stuff, but still, no one gives me the time of day. According to all these articles, and womenfolk, I must've been doing something to turn people off. So, I asked some folks close to me what it was.

Want to know what they said?

"The biggest reason people are turned off by you is that you think there's something wrong with you, but there isn't."

Let that sink in for a moment.

Seriously, think about it for a bit.

My problem is that I think there's a problem. Talk about circular logic. And yet, I only think there's a problem because I'm constantly being bombarded with the message that there is a problem from people who rant about people who don't think there's a problem.

Hey, fuck 'em, right? Who cares what they think?

In theory, that's a great idea, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that when it comes to finding a relationship, it damn well matters what other people think, because you are trying to attract other people.

And, if I notice that a lot of people are rejecting me for vaguely silly, superficial reasons (my favorite so far is, "You play guitar? I don't like loud music. It wouldn't work out between us."), and I actually say "Hey, I'm meeting a lot of superficial, silly people...", what'll happen? People will trot out that tired, "point one finger, there's three pointing back at you" mantra. Because, clearly, it's my fault for them being that way.

(This is the part you should have skipped to if you didn't want to be arsed reading that whole thing.)

I think that when it comes to confidence and self-esteem, it's unrealistic to expect it to come fully from within. You can only work with what you're given, especially when one of the messages you're given is that you're a clueless moron if you hold an opinion that is clearly false - even if, to everyone you meet, that opinion is that you're a worthwhile human being. We really shouldn't immediately jump to the "You must be a loser" conclusion when people express having difficulties, especially when they sound angry. Of course they're going to sound angry. Or bitter. Or frustrated. That doesn't mean they have anger issues, and ergo that's why they aren't getting anywhere. The anger didn't come first, even if it may be perpetuating the situation now.

Anyway. Tying that back into the thread proper, I don't think scorpion's problem is entirely as cut-and-dry as "you lack self-esteem", or even my earlier comment "you're creeping them out". The truth, of course, is somewhere in the middle.

 

[jhop220]

In scorpion's defense, I've been thinking a lot about the whole confidence/self-image thing lately, for various reasons. It comes from within, but it most certainly comes from without as well; you can't really expect someone who's been abused, shit on, and rejected for their entire life to have a particularly healthy self-esteem or positive view of themselves and others; they're either going to think they're a complete waste of space and thus somehow deserve the abuse they're getting, or they're going to think everyone else is some kind of raving asshole for dumping on them unwarrantedly.

(Not saying scorpion is either of these extremes, I'm just spouting some generic examples.)

Take me, for instance. Lily can't understand why no one will date me. I don't understand it, either. In terms of self-image, I think I'm pretty damn great. I'm not a model, but I'm good-looking, especially for my age (no one ever believes I'm as old as I am). I'm college-educated. I play multiple musical instruments. I make good money (most of the time, anyway. I'm gambling on a startup right now.) I am, for all intents and purposes, a good person. I know my strengths, weaknesses, good points, and faults. I'm not overly angry, or abusive, or lazy. I'm not perfect, but I am human. I'm cool with all of this.

However, no one ever says yes when I ask them out. My only options are online dating, where (and statistics back them up) I will by virtue of being a male suffer a 10% response rate. Mine is actually lower than that, despite having a lengthy, well-written profile and some excellent photos taken by a near-professional photographer friend of mine. I do everything you're supposed to do that people say will make you appear favorably in terms of people wanting to date you. Except... none do.

Here's the funny thing, though; I have a vast amount of numerical data that supports the notion that, on a whole, women don't find me attractive. But if I say that, I get told I don't have confidence or self-esteem. Heck, you can wander back to that thread here about whether or not it's a good idea to compliment women on their feet in public, where I write at length about how interacting with people can sometimes feel like a guessing game that you get hammered at for losing, and Cif (female), chimed in with a snark about how it was "obvious" why no one wanted me.

You want a further mindfuck? My female friends like to post articles on Facebook from feminist websites, or rant about guys who approach them. You also see it on dating sites, where women complain about "come ons" from guys who clearly don't measure up to whatever standards they think they deserve. The message, then, is that these guys should clearly have known that she wouldn't be interested, and needs to be shamed for talking to her anyway. That stupid, clueless guy, they say, what possessed him to think I'd want his sorry ass?

What possessed him, indeed. Confidence and a healthy self-image, maybe? That guy thought he was worth her time. She disagreed. And, of course, her opinion mattered. His didn't.

We love to line up, point, and laugh at "clueless" people for not knowing their limitations; we don't watch American Idol to see who wins, we watch to see who Simon Cowell is going to rip a new one for. That idiot didn't know they couldn't sing? What planet do they live on, anyway?

And yet, at the same time, how many of those people were encouraged to follow their dreams, to go audition anyway, to have the courage and the confidence to take the shot?

I figured there must be something wrong with me. After all, I was all sorts of great stuff, but still, no one gives me the time of day. According to all these articles, and womenfolk, I must've been doing something to turn people off. So, I asked some folks close to me what it was.

Want to know what they said?

"The biggest reason people are turned off by you is that you think there's something wrong with you, but there isn't."

Let that sink in for a moment.

Seriously, think about it for a bit.

My problem is that I think there's a problem. Talk about circular logic. And yet, I only think there's a problem because I'm constantly being bombarded with the message that there is a problem from people who rant about people who don't think there's a problem.

Hey, fuck 'em, right? Who cares what they think?

In theory, that's a great idea, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that when it comes to finding a relationship, it damn well matters what other people think, because you are trying to attract other people.

And, if I notice that a lot of people are rejecting me for vaguely silly, superficial reasons (my favorite so far is, "You play guitar? I don't like loud music. It wouldn't work out between us."), and I actually say "Hey, I'm meeting a lot of superficial, silly people...", what'll happen? People will trot out that tired, "point one finger, there's three pointing back at you" mantra. Because, clearly, it's my fault for them being that way.

(This is the part you should have skipped to if you didn't want to be arsed reading that whole thing.)

I think that when it comes to confidence and self-esteem, it's unrealistic to expect it to come fully from within. You can only work with what you're given, especially when one of the messages you're given is that you're a clueless moron if you hold an opinion that is clearly false - even if, to everyone you meet, that opinion is that you're a worthwhile human being. We really shouldn't immediately jump to the "You must be a loser" conclusion when people express having difficulties, especially when they sound angry. Of course they're going to sound angry. Or bitter. Or frustrated. That doesn't mean they have anger issues, and ergo that's why they aren't getting anywhere. The anger didn't come first, even if it may be perpetuating the situation now.

Anyway. Tying that back into the thread proper, I don't think scorpion's problem is entirely as cut-and-dry as "you lack self-esteem", or even my earlier comment "you're creeping them out". The truth, of course, is somewhere in the middle.

What a very well thought out and articulate message. I liked reading your take on this, and I'm not going to necessarily disagree with you.

In my own experiences, I have been that guy who is always a friend and nothing more. I've had a few romantic relationships but not many at all. I kept listening to all the rejections from the women of why I'm not the right kind of guy. I've heard everything from the most simplistic superficial reasons to other reasons that made absolute sense.

You are absolutely correct that you do care when trying to meet a person who you want to date. The light bulb that went off in my head was that sure I care that they think good of me, but if they don't...well that isn't going to deter me anymore or change the way I look at myself. I allowed that to happen so often in my life that it made me question exactly who I was as a person.

The one thing I realized is that nobody is going to feel good about me if I don't feel good about myself. As cliche as that sounds....it has been successful for me. Rather than worry so much about what they think of me...I give them who I am and they have an option...take it or leave it. I will continue to be myself and like it regardless of which she chooses.

I think confidence and self-esteem do come from within yourself. It goes beyond relationships with women...it goes to your successes in life. Look at you Phin...like you said...you make a decent living, good looking even if not a model, can play multiple musical instruments, and are an all around decent human being...that right there is what builds confidence and self-esteem because you achieved those things. Granted looks maybe more inherited but if you exercise then you contribute to it as well. You have done all those things without someone in your life. That is all you and if that isn't enough for some women...well God bless em because they must have ridiculous standards. You have no control over what they will think...all you can do is be you and be proud of it.

All one must do is look at their own success in life, and stop putting so much emphasis in how other people see you. Why? Because they haven't lived your life...they don't know what it took to be you and have your success. All they see is that one person for those couple hours during the date...well, in those couple hours if they see some sort of flaw...sucks for them. It's not always easy to do, but it helps give you a clear view of these situations.

I think you are right about Scorpion's issues too. No, it isn't that he is creepy or has low self-esteem. I think there are underlying things that he should work on within himself. First and foremost, accepting who he is and not allowing a person who he may see 2 hours out of his years long life dictate the self-esteem.

Self-esteem comes from within oneself. Yes, other people can affect it...those people shouldn't be ones you know little to nothing about or haven't spent much time with.

 

[devioustickler]

I am pretty open about it with my close friends and well... lots of girls. My bros know and I am sure growing up, my parents might have found out but in general, I am open to telling people. However there is a specific reason I don't add photos but I would. But from that I am ok with telling someone. We all have our things and knowing many people in the fetish world, tickling is pretty small and NOT that big of a deal. I know what I like and want... I just hope I can meet a woman acceptant of my love for tickling, feet and now tummys!

 

[WorkInProgress]

It often happens that a thread starts out being about the tickling fetish per se and evolves into one about relationships, and there's a reason for that: relationships really are the point. When you're in a relationship, you'll see what sexual compatibility you have, you'll learn what turns each other on, and you'll either stay together or break up. But first it takes being in one. And some of us are luckier than others.

I, myself, haven't dated a woman in almost 12 years, and the relationship I had back then lasted 3 weeks. Is this a credential for knowing how to change this? Not at all. But it is a credential for knowing what it feels like. And from this vantage point, allow me to offer this: whatever it is that affects this, you can't control it and there is no point in trying to. However, what you can control is your skill in forming friendships. Whether they lead to romances or not, whether they help you develop the formula for being attractive to others sexually or not, they are vital for their own sake, and my advice to anybody who has difficulty with finding romance is to concentrate on finding, or strengthening, friendships.

Now, about the fetish. When you're in an intimate relationship, you can reveal what turns you on, including tickling. And, when you're in a close friendship that involves a lot of sharing of personal things, you can certainly mention that you belong to a cyber community in which people get together for conventions and tie each other up and tickle each other. But don't expect the general public to want to hear about it. Some things, people outside your intimate circle are really better off not knowing. Or at least that's what I've come to think.

 

[Phineas]

You are absolutely correct that you do care when trying to meet a person who you want to date. The light bulb that went off in my head was that sure I care that they think good of me, but if they don't...well that isn't going to deter me anymore or change the way I look at myself. I allowed that to happen so often in my life that it made me question exactly who I was as a person.

The one thing I realized is that nobody is going to feel good about me if I don't feel good about myself. As cliche as that sounds....it has been successful for me. Rather than worry so much about what they think of me...I give them who I am and they have an option...take it or leave it. I will continue to be myself and like it regardless of which she chooses.

I think confidence and self-esteem do come from within yourself. It goes beyond relationships with women...it goes to your successes in life. Look at you Phin...like you said...you make a decent living, good looking even if not a model, can play multiple musical instruments, and are an all around decent human being...that right there is what builds confidence and self-esteem because you achieved those things. Granted looks maybe more inherited but if you exercise then you contribute to it as well. You have done all those things without someone in your life. That is all you and if that isn't enough for some women...well God bless em because they must have ridiculous standards. You have no control over what they will think...all you can do is be you and be proud of it.

That's basically my position. I accept who and what I am, and what I am is a pretty darn decent person who, for whatever reason is not attractive to women. Thing is, when I say that, people jump down my throat. "Oh, you must feel that way because you have poor self image, if you like yourself, they will, too!"

Well, no. They won't. I didn't invent that evaluation out of thin air. I think it's pretty safe to assume that if no one wants to date you, a fair assumption is that it's because you're not attractive to them. Even so, that doesn't make me a bad person. That's the mistake I used to make; I used to assume women rejecting me was because there was something inherently wrong with me that I had to change, and if I could just change it, then I'd be attractive.

I no longer feel that way. And, true to form, naturally nothing's changed. I'm no more or less attractive than I used to be. The difference is, I don't let it affect me. (This where some wag will come in and say "Well then, now you're going to find someone!" - and it's bull. I've been like this for a while. No one cares.)

Thing is, I also get jumped on for saying "it's their problem". Yeah, some women have retarded standards. (Also, some women are just retarded. They're human. They're not perfect.) I mean, what's the conclusion to draw, there? That every woman in the Bay Area has ridiculous standards? I know they don't. I mean, all of my female friends are sweet, wonderful people. They have the boyfriends and husbands to prove it. The single ones are usually all too willing to refuse to go out with me because I'm not into extreme sports (another true story), while simultaneously complaining "Where are all the good men?"

Anyway. My point is, sometimes it's within, sometimes it's without. You kinda have to care what other people think, 'cause if everyone thinks it, it must be true, right? Unfortunately, that's too simplistic an answer; after all, most of the people I went to high school with thought I was garbage. On the other hand, if every woman you meet thinks you're creepy... you're creepy.

 

[rhiannon]

everyone's in everyone's way, and they show it in their faces

That sounds pretty much like Germany! 🙂

 

[Jagermeistered]

I do not think we should put gender analysis, especially in regards to simple critique/opinion of the opposite sex, so simply based off of experience. There are three sides to every question when it comes to attraction: physical, mental, and emotional. The physical and mental attraction are the easiest to decipher(sight, experience and conversation). The emotional platitude, is always the hardest(acceptance and experience; ongoing or not ongoing). Experience maybe dismal, who knows? But, acceptance is very chaotic. You can not achieve a end, if you are not willing to confront one of your mean's - with them.