Confidence and Approaching Women

[Borg Perfection]

Recently, I put an end to a 5 year relationship. It was a very abusive relationship, and toward the end I was being hit and emotionally broken down so I finally decided enough is enough.

Near the end, I would occasionally see a woman in a store my partner and I would go shopping in from time to time, and she really intrigued me. Aesthetically, she was everything I've always wanted and she had this "energy" about her that really drew me in -- however, I pushed these thoughts out as I felt it would be disloyal to my partner, no matter how abusive she was, to entertain them.

Well, I finally put an end to the relationship recently and I've been looking for someone new. For those of you who don't know, I'm a singer and my band had a really big show last night. This woman had been on my mind ever since I broke it off with my last girlfriend, and as irony would have it, I saw her in the crowd, so I was mulling over whether or not I should go up to her and talk to her -- keep in mind this woman is a perfect 10/10, looks a few years older, and is about a foot taller than me, lol.

I decided that it would be stupid to not try at least, so I walked right up to her and introduced myself, told her I'd seen her around town and about 15 minutes of small talk and a few cheesey but witty compliments later it looks very optimistic that we'll be spending some time together soon.

My point is, if you feel someone is out of your league because of some stupid stigma our ignorant society places on height difference, age, or your interest being absurdly beautiful, you should realize you're being stupid and weak for allowing yourself to give in to those negative feelings. The only reason someone would be "out of your league" is if you're a total scumbag or don't take care of yourself.

And if you see someone that really takes your breath away, don't be a pussy and make the mistake of passing up the chance to approach them. Confidence is what matters the most, so dig deep until you find some and do it. I went from day dreaming about a complete stranger, to making contact with them and having the chance to make something of it a few weeks later.

Life is too short to not go after what you really want.

 

[Sandrock74]

Just assimilate her already

 

[Babbles]

A load of verbiage to say -- thanks, great thread!!

...My point is, if you feel someone is out of your league because of some stupid stigma our ignorant society places on height difference, age, or your interest being absurdly beautiful, you should realize you're being stupid and weak for allowing yourself to give in to those negative feelings. The only reason someone would be "out of your league" is if you're a total scumbag or don't take care of yourself.

And if you see someone that really takes your breath away, don't be a pussy and make the mistake of passing up the chance to approach them. Confidence is what matters the most, so dig deep until you find some and do it. I went from day dreaming about a complete stranger, to making contact with them and having the chance to make something of it a few weeks later.

Life is too short to not go after what you really want.

Very glad you both escaped an abusive relationship & decided to share that
here --
Your ex's reactions were totally unacceptable; emotional abuse is intolerable, forget hitting -Wow -- thank goodness you were able to walk away.

Not everyone's strong enough to do that after investing so much time in a relationship, so they just wind up losing so much more....
(We all kinda need to be able to go to sleep without worrying we'll wake up missing pieces. )

And you had this serious relationhip for 5 years within an age range when most guys can't grasp that concept without cerebral hemorraging,
-you didn't cheat even when abused,
-and have otherwise also shown great sensitivity which many aren't able to and/or aren't comfortable articulating until at least middle age...

Most guys also won't look at an older or taller woman -- esp. the latter, since they're not secure in themselves & their masculinity. I don't care either, ~5 yrs in either direction, and height's irrelevant to me also (Peter Dinklage is gorgeous) but a lot of (my male & female friends) won't even think about it, unless (or even if) the person is Victoria's Secret material.

Hope your ex realizes she lost out bigtime here due to her (criminally) abusive behavior, and gets help.

I was always told, if you're abused *once, do NOT stick around for a repeat performance. Here again -- it'll probably escalate.
Get them help from a safe distance.
(Restraining orders don't work & there is no effective gun control.)

Thanks again for a valuable thread, with a serious warning as well as excellent advice.

 

[LD_Tickler]

Well, congrats on your success. Though keep in mind, you're the lead singer in a band she came to see. No offence, but the odds were stacked in your favour here a little more than any random trying to pick up another random in a club.

Though good advice nonetheless.

 

[Excess]

It's nice and all that you were able to approach a woman and have a nice convo with her and such, but y'know, as LD said.....you ARE lead singer in a band. Women typically go for guys in bands. So I guess I'm saying it's not as simple as you make it out to be. 😛

From what I've seen, it's not just about confidence. Women are far more in demand than men are, always. And thus, it's most often guys that have to get girl's attention, not the other way around. And thus, guys can gain women's attention by showing talent. Having leadership qualities, being especially funny, showing a skill, those kinda things. If you have one of those things, good for you. If you don't however, 90% of the time it takes more than just confidence to get a girl interested in having any interest in you whatsoever. Just my experience though.

 

[Flatfoot]

Good job, man! Everything you said is true. Just like this quote, taken from @shitmydadsays on Twitter:

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

 

[Borg Perfection]

Very glad you both escaped an abusive relationship & decided to share that
here --
Your ex's reactions were totally unacceptable; emotional abuse is intolerable, forget hitting -Wow -- thank goodness you were able to walk away.

Not everyone's strong enough to do that after investing so much time in a relationship, so they just wind up losing so much more....
(We all kinda need to be able to go to sleep without worrying we'll wake up missing pieces. )

And you had this serious relationhip for 5 years within an age range when most guys can't grasp that concept without cerebral hemorraging,
-you didn't cheat even when abused,
-and have otherwise also shown great sensitivity which many aren't able to and/or aren't comfortable articulating until at least middle age...

Most guys also won't look at an older or taller woman -- esp. the latter, since they're not secure in themselves & their masculinity. I don't care either, ~5 yrs in either direction, and height's irrelevant to me also (Peter Dinklage is gorgeous) but a lot of (my male & female friends) won't even think about it, unless (or even if) the person is Victoria's Secret material.

Hope your ex realizes she lost out bigtime here due to her (criminally) abusive behavior, and gets help.

I was always told, if you're abused *once, do NOT stick around for a repeat performance. Here again -- it'll probably escalate.
Get them help from a safe distance.
(Restraining orders don't work & there is no effective gun control.)

Thanks again for a valuable thread, with a serious warning as well as excellent advice.

Thank you for the compliments and also very good advice from you as well. I most certainly should not have stuck around, but it does become very difficult to leave when the person is no longer just some woman you are dating, but rather connected so deeply they are your family.

Just assimilate her already

Hahahahaha, I should have opened with "resistance is futile", but then I realized what a rapist vibe that has to it lol.

 

[alchemy]

Recently, I put an end to a 5 year relationship. It was a very abusive relationship, and toward the end I was being hit and emotionally broken down so I finally decided enough is enough.

Near the end, I would occasionally see a woman in a store my partner and I would go shopping in from time to time, and she really intrigued me. Aesthetically, she was everything I've always wanted and she had this "energy" about her that really drew me in -- however, I pushed these thoughts out as I felt it would be disloyal to my partner, no matter how abusive she was, to entertain them.

Well, I finally put an end to the relationship recently and I've been looking for someone new. For those of you who don't know, I'm a singer and my band had a really big show last night. This woman had been on my mind ever since I broke it off with my last girlfriend, and as irony would have it, I saw her in the crowd, so I was mulling over whether or not I should go up to her and talk to her -- keep in mind this woman is a perfect 10/10, looks a few years older, and is about a foot taller than me, lol.

I decided that it would be stupid to not try at least, so I walked right up to her and introduced myself, told her I'd seen her around town and about 15 minutes of small talk and a few cheesey but witty compliments later it looks very optimistic that we'll be spending some time together soon.

My point is, if you feel someone is out of your league because of some stupid stigma our ignorant society places on height difference, age, or your interest being absurdly beautiful, you should realize you're being stupid and weak for allowing yourself to give in to those negative feelings. The only reason someone would be "out of your league" is if you're a total scumbag or don't take care of yourself.

And if you see someone that really takes your breath away, don't be a pussy and make the mistake of passing up the chance to approach them. Confidence is what matters the most, so dig deep until you find some and do it. I went from day dreaming about a complete stranger, to making contact with them and having the chance to make something of it a few weeks later.

Life is too short to not go after what you really want.

Congrats on getting out of the abusive relationship. Nobody needs that.

Also, good points approaching women. I myself am constantly guilty of this. You know, seeing a girl you would really like to talk to, but being to damn shy or insecure to actually initiate the conversation...and then thinking of lots of reasons why it would have been a bad idea to do so afterwards.

 

[Borg Perfection]

I myself am constantly guilty of this. You know, seeing a girl you would really like to talk to, but being to damn shy or insecure to actually initiate the conversation...and then thinking of lots of reasons why it would have been a bad idea to do so afterwards.

It's a common scenario our mind creates for some reason: In our psyche we far too often elevate someone we'd like to approach above ourselves, and create feelings of inadequacy within. It seems as if as soon as we think about taking action, our mind creates a chorus of negative self-slander and screams at us all the percieved imperfections we carry inside, but it is at that time you need to realize that the person off in the distance more than likely, as a human being feels just as imperfect as you do.

An analogy that's always helped me, is this: Imagine the best movie you've ever seen. It has everything, from the best actors and actresses, to the best explosions. The funniest jokes, and the hottest sex scenes. The writing is beyond comparison and the resolution could not have been pulled off any more perfectly...

There are still many people who will find absolutely no interest in that movie.

You can have the percieved best of everything, and still be shot down. You could be a super model and walk up to some guy and try to pick him up, and she'd get shot down because he happens to be a chubby-chaser.

You never know what someone might like, and it just goes to show that just because you may get shot down, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, they just have a different preference. An over-weight baby-faced Vince Vaugh was walking around with Jennifer Anniston around his arm. In the "real world" all the time I see the most out of shape, homely men by my opinion, with some smoking hot women as well, and equally aesthetically and cardiovascularly challenged women who've managed to win over some real winners as well.

Everyone's eyes see differently. Not that it's all about looks obviously, but for some reason that's what we fear the most -- the first barrier. Our initial projection of self, which is our physical form.

Live with no regrets. The pain of embarrassment, is but a small sting compared to the crushing agony of growing old and realizing there were so many chances and opportunities that went wasted because we let "fear" get the best of us.

 

[BrightEyes1082]

Just for the record, women can be just as insecure about this.
I belong to a dating site called OKcupid that states in your profile
how often you reply to emails received. Green = replies often,
orange = replies selectively, and red = replies very selectively.
I don't send messages all that often to guys, but there are often
times I see a profile of someone I'd really like to contact, but if
he replies selectively or very selectively, I won't initiate because
I'm afraid of feeling like an ass if he doesn't reply.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

90% of the time it takes more than just confidence to get a girl interested in having any interest in you whatsoever. Just my experience though.

Of course it takes more than just confidence for women to notice you. You have to sparkle these days silly.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

And if you see someone that really takes your breath away, don't be a pussy and make the mistake of passing up the chance to approach them. Confidence is what matters the most, so dig deep until you find some and do it.

Life is too short to not go after what you really want.

I could not agree more.

Congrats 🙂

 

[Excess]

Of course it takes more than just confidence for women to notice you. You have to sparkle these days silly.

Or be a douchebag to everyone you meet but ESPECIALLY to the girl you're interested in. 😉

 

[Marquis De Sade]

Or be a douchebag to everyone you meet but ESPECIALLY to the girl you're interested in. 😉

That actually works. As long as you don't overdo it.

 

[Excess]

That actually works. As long as you don't overdo it.

Yeah, probably. Sadly I'm a lot of things, but a douchebag isn't one of them. <_<

 

[Marquis De Sade]

Yeah, probably. Sadly I'm a lot of things, but a douchebag isn't one of them. <_<

Well, it works if you're looking for a date or something quick. A long, meaningful relationship however, there's no douchebaggery required so you're fine. 😀

 

[leafstk]

Good on ya man, congrats! 😀 Excellent post

I can definitely relate, as my last relationship got downright abusive towards the end as well. It wasn't a five year thing thankfully... but nobody needs that. It wasn't until it was over and I've had time to reflect that I've realized just how abusive it was... not so much physically, but there were a couple occasions. But the emotional stuff that can really do a number on ya....

Always be yourself and confident in who you are 🙂

 

[Artoo]

My point is, if you feel someone is out of your league because of some stupid stigma our ignorant society places on height difference, age, or your interest being absurdly beautiful, you should realize you're being stupid and weak for allowing yourself to give in to those negative feelings.

This is ridiculous. There are so many people out of my league it's unbelievable. 😀

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Chubby Chaser.

I like that one! That's great!

I've always believed that if the chemistry's there, it works, and if not, it's that much more difficult. So much energy's spent in not being yourself, in the campaign to impress the opposite gender, that it can make for a world of shit. The key is to find a partner, in the same way you aggressively seek a job- meet a lot of people, network. Odds are you'll find someone on the percentages alone...stop stressing!