Cool Comebacks, Classic Putdowns

[featherfingers]

A woman approached Winston Churchill one day and told him, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea!" after which he replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." Not sure about the details but this really did happen.

 

[kurchatovium]

Classic one from the comedian Emo Phillips.

Women says "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on earth"

Emo replies "If I were the last man on Earth you wouldn't even be in the line lady."

😀 😀

 

[featherfingers]

On M*A*S*H, Klinger gets into it with Zale. They trade barbs then Klinger says, "If I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave it's butt and teach it to walk backwards!"

 

[theshire]

A woman approached Winston Churchill one day and told him, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea!" after which he replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." Not sure about the details but this really did happen.

Another good one from Churchill is the time when a woman said to him: 'Sir, you are drunk.'

His reply: 'That is true, madam. But, unlike you, when I wake up in the morning I will be sober.'

 

[featherfingers]

Churchill should have been a comedian! Here in the States there was a show based on the British sitcom "Steptoe & Son" called "Sanford & Son". Fred Sanford (played by the late, great Redd Foxx) was a loveable but slightly prejudiced junk dealer. One morning his Puerto Rican neighbor Julio came to visit. "Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford!", said Julio. "Beans and disease to you, too", was Fred's reply. Man, I was in tears when I first heard that...and I'm Latino!

 

[steph]

with apologies to shire...

The story actually starts with the man telling the woman she's ugly...

XOXO

 

[milagros317]

One more involving Churchill:

George Bernard Shaw had sent Churchill a complimentary ticket for the opening night of his (Shaw's) new play. Churchill sent the ticket back, with a note back saying "I am busy that night, but you can send me a ticket to the the second night's performance, if there is one."

Shaw sent back two tickets to the second night's performance, with a note saying "Bring a friend, if you have one."
😛

 

[featherfingers]

Does anyone know if there's a book available full of Churchill's humor? I'm becoming hooked! On the "Tonight Show with Johnny Carson", one of Johnny's female guests was seated, holding a cat in her lap. The lady asked Johnny, "Would you like to pet my pussy?" Johnny replied, "Sure, but you gotta remove that damn cat first!"

 

[steph]

I believe that was ageless uber-bimbo Raquel Welch, who was reportedly furious about the crack. The audience, however, loved it!

XOXO

 

[Double T]

A few years back, when q-ball and I used to trade quips, one classic trade of was:

q-ball-"You're funny, but looks aren't everything!"

Double T-"Perhaps, but, in your case, looks aren't anything!"

Just one big happy family!!!

 

[featherfingers]

I got burned really badly by someone back in my Navy days. It was a community shower (no ladies, of course). I began singing some song. One of the guys said, "Hey, you should be on a stage!" I said, "Really?", as I blushed and curtsied. He replied, "Yeah, the next stage leaving town!"

 

[theshire]

Steph, thanks for clearing that up. Jokes never work out right when I tell 'em. 😀

 

[steph]

LOL!

You're welcome m'dear!😛

XOXO

 

[Flatfoot]

One of my favorites:

Randomly ask out of the blue, "Does your face hurt?"

The person replies, "No, it doesn't. Why?"

"Because it's sure killin' me!"

 

[red indian]

One of the best.............

.....sources of such humour is "sledging".......this happens in the game of Cricket, and no doubt in many other sports, but in cricket its called " sledging". The team who are fielding try to put off the opposing teams batsman (hitters) by trying to wind them up during the course of their innings. However the tables were once famously turned by a Zimbabwe number 11 (the teams worst hitter) called Eddo Brandes.

Brandes had just played and missed at the umpteenth delivery from Aussie bowler Glenn McGrath. Mcgrath wondered up to Brandes at the end of his follow thro and said .."Oi! Brandes, why are you so bloody fat?"......to wich Brandes replied...."Beacuase every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit".....Top Willow!if ever I heard it!!

 

[natural tickler]

Well, one of the few times someone said something to me, and I had no response. here it is:


A fine woman walked up to me and I told her, "If good looks were a minute, you would be an hour"

She then looked back at me and said, "If good looks were within your reach, you wouldn't have no fuckin' arms"

After a few minutes of silence and people laughing at me, then I looked back at her and said, "If cucumbers were collard greens, your ass might fit in them jeans"


Guess I won that battle (I think?)😛

 

[featherfingers]

Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog

While interviewing Jon Bonjovi, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog heard Jon was cast to appear in a vampire movie. Triumph replied, "Finally... a role that REQUIRES you to suck!" At a Star Wars convention, Triumph talked to a fan dressed as Darth Vader. Noticing the buttons on the chest, Triumph asked, "And what does this one do? Call your parents to come pick you up?"