Dealing with a jealous partner & TMF interaction...

[The Last Laugh]

I know I'm going against the opinion of most people here, who in many cases are jumping to conclusions and offering potentially life-changing advice based on extremely limited information. But I'm siding with ThaiIsHijacking on this one. I'm not saying that the boyfriend doesn't have any jealousy/control issues at all. For all I know it is entirely possible that it is indeed part of the problem. But I also think it's perfectly normal not to be comfortable with one's partner hanging around adult/fetish sites and wishing they wouldn't do it. Seriously, what's wrong with that? Anyway, I think ThaiIsHijacking's arguments are perfectly reasonable and much more thoughtful than most.

 

[Oddjob0226]

I've been here more or less from the beginning. I have seen people either dissapear from this site because they wanted to make their partner happy (as long as they still got their tickle play in from that partner) or I have seen relationships end becasue of the fetish and that need to interact.


What it comes down to is: you can't turn the fetish off. Part of that fetish is your need to socially interact. So he has to accept that this is who you are.

If he won't accept it, then YOU have to make some decisions for YOU, which will affect you both as a couple one way or another.

One choice - not the only one, but still - is to leave the TMF once and for all. You will still have a good and enjoyable life; it will juts have a little less sparkle. However, should the two of you break up at some point, your leaving the TMF to make him happy will be another thing you will feel resentful for when you look back on the relationship.

And let me ask this: has he ever attended a gathering with you? You both could play together at the event of course, but also let him play with some other folks. In other words, stay out of the play but get him "permission" to play. Let him see by example that there is no need for that posessiveness. He may learn to really enjoy the activity AND you'll be showing him how fun it is, how there is no need to be jealouse since you aren't getting upset that he is playing with others. Then, after a gathering or two with both of you there, maybe he'll be more ok with you interacting, even (OMG!) playing with others at a gatehring that he too is attending. He will now know first hand how much fun it really can be, he'll get how it really means something to you, but in the end - hopefully - he will understand that with all of this, you are still there with him and for him.

And if that still isn't good enough for him, then there's some seriosuly rethinking that needs to go on. One one hand, I think breaking up over tickling is kind of silly. On the other hand, it is a part of who we are; many of us on the TMF could never permanantly be with someone who isn't either into the tickling or at least tolerant enough of it to gamely play along with our kink. Our kink leads to their discomfort, while our denial of that side of ourselves leads us to be unfulfilled - and we put all of that negativity upon the other person, who isn't 'one of us' to begin with so how could that person ever really "get it"? It's not a good match.

 

[voided9]

Compromise is a huge part of serious relationships. If you guys can't come to some sort of agreement about this, you may want to consider finding someone who can enjoy your fetishes with you. This situation is not fair to either of you.

 

[TheTickleMonster]

He says "that's different, I'm a man, you're a woman" if his past experiences were to ever bother me.

Dump him! Seriously!

First off I wanted to say that for once I might actually agree with Rhiannon. This is just stupid. I'm sorry but it's not different, whether you're a man or a woman. It's not different because your'e a different gender. I hate when people say stupid stuff like that.

In a totally different area, I have felt the way you're describing your guy friend feeling...I've felt that heart wrenching pain when I heard a subject come up in conversation (in our case, my ex was indulging in some very intimate things with another woman - it was something I also was interested in and something they refused to share with me, and that hurt me a lot). I can see this hurting his feelings a whole lot simply because he doesn't understand what it's like to have a fetish and how healthy and normal it is to be a part of a community. To him, he's only seeing it as a sexual act that you're spreading around with whoever (emotionally, if not physically).

Now that being said, it's not healthy or right for him to continue to handle it that way. In my situation I went through utter hell, I gave myself bleeding ulcers over it, I alienated myself from my partner because they couldn't mention the "other woman" or anything connected to her, without me bristling and being cranky the rest of the day. I hurt myself and I hurt my partner, and for what? It didn't change her mind or help the situation, it just made her more secretive.

I am sharing this with you because I'm not by nature a controlling, jealous type, and I want people to know that it can still happen to well-adjusted, open-minded people who just really care about their partner and let that caring manifest in the wrong way. He needs to stop, for both your happiness and his own peace of mind. If you ever need someone else in the community to talk to him, I am more than willing to share my story with him. I know you don't know me and I'm sure there are others who you are more comfy with, but the offer is there. I wouldn't want to see someone else go through (and put their partner through) the same mistake that I made. It is a miserable way to be and it destroys relationships.

I wanted to point out that your situation is different than Jills. For one you're saying that you were in a lot of pain because you're girlfriend had experiences with other women that you wanted to experience with her but she wouldn't do anything and so that hurt you that you wanted to but wouldn't. However, in Jill's case her boyfriend and her do engage in tickling play, so he gets upset about her doing things with other guys that she WILL let him do to her. So it's not the same situation.

 

[BellybTickler]

Okay, remember first you are a human being, not an object. He doesn't own you, nor can he control you. Yes, he can make his case known that he doesn't like you being on here, but if he loves you and wants to be with you he'll tolerate and eventually accept that this is an aspect of your life that you wish to not discard.

I wouldn't go dumping him right away, as his condition is a result of his past experiences, but this is most certainly a red flag. You must stand by your position that you love being here and will continue being here, and if he can't handle that then he can leave. If he does walk, he definitely was not THE man for you. Because the one you stand at the altar with will love and accept you unconditionally w/o question.

 

[bri908]

trust issues are not easy to resolve and can't be resolved at the snap of a finger . not that you are doing anything wrong, together and over time , you have to prove to each other that no threats to the relationship exist - but- if it becomes a stressful,overwhelming task - it may be time to consider moving forward - ie- if he begins to back you into a corner and limits you being you -

hopefully this will all work out

 

[c7_assassin]

He says "that's different, I'm a man, you're a woman"

I have to say, this sounds pretty bad. And personally I would never date anyone with the kind of trust issues you're describing. But, I know nothing of your exact situation. I hope you figure out what you're doing.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

My personal feeling is that nobody, not even a significant other, has the right to tell you with whom you're permitted to associate, where you're permitted to socialize, etc. If I were in your shoes, I would sit down for a heart to heart, and make a speech along these lines..."I love you and respect you, but this is something I intend to do with or without your approval. I'll not be guilt-tripped nor will I indulge in any other head games. I really hope you understand me and take me seriously, here. This is part of who I am, and I've no intentions of changing."

Whatever you decide, I hope it works well for you.

DAJT

 

[TicklerKoops]

I was actually about to defend the guy since most people on here asked for his head. It's all in protection, on his point of view. He doesn't know anything about this place. He figures since it's a fetish forum, everyone is sexually uncontrollable and wants at you. However, with his "I'm a man, you're a woman" spurt, I'd have to say he's being extremely ignorant, at best, and in the offensive term.

I've dealt with people who have the fetish and accept my ways, don't have the fetish and accept my ways, and don't have the fetish and can't understand my ways. The common thing is that they respect it. "Whatever you need to do", as it were. I've been seeing someone, and I've actually shown her content on this website... She loves that tickling me turns me on, and she understands that since she never has the urge to tickle or be tickled like I do, I need to be surrounded by those types of people.

Granted, I'm not nearly that active on this site, and honestly, I don't know if I ever will in the future. I guess that's up to me to decide on how involved I want to get, but in my years of lurking, I've seen that those who are more social and interactive are wonderful, upstanding, and just all-around great people. Why not invite him into the TMF so he can see for himself? Yes, there are the occasional creepers who will PM you and request/demand for over-the-top things, but those people don't represent the large number of amazing citizens of this forum.

That being said, you have to turn a dilemma like this into a practical question. "What's in my best interest?" Don't allow us to be a reason, don't allow him to be a reason. Let yourself be the deciding factor. From what I can gather, it can go one of three ways:
-He accepts that you are a part of this community and gets over his fears
-You leave here to respect his wishes/demands of you discontinuing your interaction with like-minded people,
-Or Leave him.

I would say there could be other options, but from what it seems, he's not giving you a lot of flexibility to work with.

I don't often post these long-winded comments, but I don't understand why people outside of our community must feel the need to 'bully' us out of interaction with those like us. Would he feel appreciated if you said "Your friends you go watch football with? I don't want you talking or hanging out with them again."? I don't believe he would.

 

[rhiannon]

It's not different because your'e a different gender.

And him saying that is literally the only reason I said "dump him"! I can understand when someone has jealousy and control issues, he could actually overcome those, but not seeing a woman as equal - that is absolutely intolerable!

 

[kis123]

For starters, if you're in the personals section and have a boyfriend, you might have caused some of the issues you're going through. Now I haven't read your ad in personals so I'm not sure what you've advertised. But if you're looking for play partners, he might not be too crazy about your time here.

This does not excuse some of his behavior, so here are my thoughts on him:

I wouldn't go as far as immediately dumping him, but you might want to start looking at some things that could cause problems later down the road.

If he really sees you as subordinate to him or not as an equal, you might be headed for some problems down the line. If he's holding you to a different standard than himself, that could cause some problems as well.

If these are signs of control issues, they're difficult to overcome. It may be time to apply kis' theory of "if only" to your situation. If you find yourself saying "he's great! If only________", that "if only" issue has to be dealt with one way or the other because if he doesn't change the behavior, you're stuck with it. Now if you can live with said issues/behavior, then go for it. If it's intolerable, then you must walk......no......run like hell away from it.

At the end of the day, the decision is yours alone to make. I wish you well in your thoughts.

 

[atitudeadjuster]

Maybe his issues with you being on the TMF are a symptom of the problems you are describing, not the cause. Very few people come without any baggage, If you love your boyfriend and are happy with him its worth trying to sort things out. I hope it all works out for the best for you, and for him

 

[GQguy]

This guy is better than I am. If I knew my girl was posting stuff like this in the personals section:

We started emailing each other on FETLIFE about tickling but you have deactivated your account and I can not answer emails from you anymore. I had been too busy to write back and had not logged onto the site in over a month. I'm looking for a 33 year old male named Gabriel in the Staten Island or NYC area on the TMF who's name was "Garence" on FETLIFE, if this is you please reply to this thread. I am just taking a shot in the dark by searching for you on here since you did like tickling too.

I'd likely break up with her myself. Personally I think the OP doesn't want a boyfriend anymore. I think the OP's boyfriend senses the reality that he's losing/lost his girl and this attempt at control is his way of trying to keep her. I think the OP is undecided as to what to do so she created this thread to help her make her decision with the oh so predictable responses "dump him already!" "Off with his head!!!".

 

[Comfort Eagle]

This guy is better than I am. If I knew my girl was posting stuff like this in the personals section:



I'd likely break up with her myself. Personally I think the OP doesn't want a boyfriend anymore. I think the OP's boyfriend senses the reality that he's losing/lost his girl and this attempt at control is his way of trying to keep her. I think the OP is undecided as to what to do so she created this thread to help her make her decision with the oh so predictable responses "dump him already!" "Off with his head!!!".

Whoa, didn't notice all this now.

Yeah OP, I'd end it, but not because he's unreasonable, but because you're clearly tired of him and are obviously looking for other people anyway.

 

[rhiannon]

[We started emailing each other on FETLIFE about tickling but you have deactivated your account and I can not answer emails from you anymore. I had been too busy to write back and had not logged onto the site in over a month. I'm looking for a 33 year old male named Gabriel in the Staten Island or NYC area on the TMF who's name was "Garence" on FETLIFE, if this is you please reply to this thread. I am just taking a shot in the dark by searching for you on here since you did like tickling too.

Okay, now this is kinda fucked up. And deactivated his account? Any chance he was your boyfriend??

 

[WorkInProgress]

The plot thickens, and GQ Guy, you are absolutely the number one straight-shooter on this forum. I was thinking that even before I saw your post here, and this post surpasses all others in straight-shooterhood.

But, be that as it may...

If you regard him as possessive and controlling, whatever the reason, that's reason enough to get out of the relationship. And the fact that you are doing anything in secret from him at all indicates that something is out of alignment. I'm not making any judgment on who's right and who's wrong; I'm just saying, a relationship is only worth having if you're able to agree on how it's going to work. In fact, I think a relationship has its problems on general principle when one of the parties is looking for advice about it in a message forum.

However, I must add, I do not regard this as a porn site. I regard it as a discussion site. And yes, I can see the same pictures you can (which I find annoying, though I understand they're what keeps the site afloat), and I know all about the storyboards (which I rarely look at), but to me it's primarily a place where people discuss relationships and a host of other topics. I think Jill should give it up only if she wants to--but she should not be in a relationship where she has to lie or conceal anything.