Did I do the right thing?

[Gamer4Life]

Hello all!

First of all, sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, I haven't posted here but like once or twice but after looking this looked like the only sensible place. Except for maybe the Stories area but this is more of asking for advice so I didn't think posting there would make sense. Anyway, I was with my girlfriend last night in my apartment, we've been together for just under 2 months and only about 2 or 3 weeks ago did I tell her about my fetish. When I told her, she looked like she didn't understand, or weirded out, and wasn't sure how to respond. But after I explained it to her, she accepted it and has enjoyed herself when we have our fun. Anyway, last night, we were doing our usual fun, she had me handcuffed to my bed, naked (her idea, we've done it before but she wanted to again), and was tickling me and, naturally, I became aroused. Here is where the guys will probably laugh at me, but, she climbed on top of me wanting to have sex. Now, I was NOT okay with that, I am a virgin, and plan to stay that way, at least for this part of my life, so I wasn't happy with her for not respecting that. I managed to talk her out of it, and I told her to go home, effectively breaking up with her. She has talked about wanting to have sex in the past, and, though we satisfy each other, I've told her it is something I don't feel I'm ready to have. We have talked about it, and have since worked things out, but, should I have done something differently? Yeah, as you may have guessed, I don't have a lot of experience in relationships.

Before anyone answers, please note that I am not looking to hear things like "wow you pussy what kind of guy says no to sex!?!". I just want to know if I did the right thing as far as being a good boyfriend goes, in relation to me being honest with myself.

Sorry for the long story, and the sorta graphic detail (if that's against the rules, remove this post, and I apologize if this is the case), but thank you for reading and offering advice.

 

[stockytickler]

Dude, you don't have to have sex a second earlier than you decide you're ready to have sex.

You absolutely did the right thing. This is something you both have talked about beforehand, and if she can't respect your boundaries and feels she has to move on so be it. It's incredibly brave for you to have brought up your fetish with her in the first place and it sounds like it was going really well before the, y'know, RAPE, which is essentially what that was.

And no worries. Of course I'd find that to be incredibly hot but that's because sex is part of the endgame for me. It most explicitly wasn't for you. And yeah, it's a shame that a girl who'd stretched her own boundaries to encompass your tickle fetish had to be kicked to the curb, but ... here's my philosophy on that: You found someone willing to share your fantasy. It happened the once, that means it's something that does happen, and it's entirely possible it will happen again.

And the sex will be there too when you're ready for it. All the best, man!

 

[stockytickler]

Oh, I just saw where you've talked about what happened and have maybe reconciled? Well, good luck either way, but if it was me I'd have some deep trust issues after something like that.

 

[socktickler86]

One of the defining qualities of any good relationship is respecting the other persons feelings. Clearly she did not respect yours or had a lapse in judgement (the latter being understandable, but still wrong). In general, you did the right thing. And if you need to convince yourself, put yourself in the opposite situation. If she wanted to wait to have sex and you tried to force yourself upon her, what would you think of her telling you to leave?

I say "in general" you did the right thing because there may be issues in the details of how you told her to leave. She definitely was trying to cross a VERY important boundary so there's probably very very few ways you could have told her to go away that would be in poor taste, but it's possible. I imagine you did the right thing.

If you have any doubts, again, pretend she was the virgin and you were trying to initiate against her wishes. That should make things clear enough. Don't let anyone try to convince you there is a double standard here either. She wanted to violate your boundaries and there is nothing about you being a guy and her being a girl that makes that okay.

 

[hockeygolf13]

You should not have told her to leave. She was just really into you at that moment and in the mood so she slipped up. You should have just talked to her about it right there and heard her out before kicking her out. I understand you would have been angry at the moment so it was just reaction to kick her out, but you should have just talked to her, but she really shouldn't do this again and you should really be upset if she does.

 

[Oddjob0226]

If you've already been naked & 'satisfied' each other in under 2 months, you ain't that virginal no mo'. Consider that as well.

 

[Gamer4Life]

Thanks for your opinions guys, though I feel really silly for asking. I feel a lot better about my actions, and, we have talked about sex before and she seemed okay with it at the time. That's why I kicked her out. It was an impulse, but at the time it was all I was feeling.

If you've already been naked & 'satisfied' each other in under 2 months, you ain't that virginal no mo'. Consider that as well.

Haha, I understand your point, but in the sense of the term, I mean that I have never had sex. We've showered together, and, she tells me I'm good with my hands, haha. That's what we've done.

 

[stockytickler]

I don't know that that's fair Oddjob. People can be completely comfortable with frottage and oral and not want to take things to penetration. I agree it's on the same spectrum but if he's saving that experience then he's saving that experience.

I liked the advice about considering the reverse situation. If G4L had a naked woman chained to the bed, one who'd specifically said they could mess around but she wasn't personally ready for sex, and he became aroused while tickling her and began forcing himself on her ... no way. She'd be totally justified in shutting down and telling him to leave until such time as she felt safe and ready to talk to him again. So he's totally justified as well.

 

[Gamer4Life]

I don't know that that's fair Oddjob. People can be completely comfortable with frottage and oral and not want to take things to penetration. I agree it's on the same spectrum but if he's saving that experience then he's saving that experience.

Thanks stocky, I'm not sure what frottage is, but oral is something I've never done either, or seemed really interested in doing, but yeah, I'm saving the big experience for the right occasion.

 

[Libertine]

I'd really be surprised if she ever speaks to you again.

 

[WheresThe Clip?]

That's why I kicked her out. It was an impulse, but at the time it was all I was feeling.

You kicked her out !

This girl is accepting of your fetish and goes along with it to please you, but you treat her like rubbish when she thinks that this was leading to sex with her. Well lets just say you were right to show her the sort of selfish, self obsessed idiot she was fooling around with.

 

[Gamer4Life]

I'd really be surprised if she ever speaks to you again.

Well like I said we worked things out, she apologized and says it will not happen again. I'm too nice a guy, and I care about her enough to give her another chance with it.

You kicked her out !

This girl is accepting of your fetish and goes along with it to please you, but you treat her like rubbish when she thinks that this was leading to sex with her. Well lets just say you were right to show her the sort of selfish, self obsessed idiot she was fooling around with.

It wasn't leading to sex, it never has, and in the near future, it never will. She knew that in the past, she should have known it now. I would say I am quite the opposite of self obsessed, I don't need to share all of our experiences with you guys, but we please each other equally. Sorry you feel the way you do Clip

 

[stockytickler]

Frottage refers to manual manipulation, mutual masturbation and dryhumping. And they'd talked about his limits beforehand, so that's totally unfair, WTC.

Unless it's cool for other people to come up to you and decide it's time for you to have sex with them, however they wish, on the basis that they've determined you've turned them on. But life isn't really a prison movie.

 

[MaleTickleeDC]

Here's the thing. There shouldn't be double-standards in life, but there are. There just are. It sucks, we should all try to change the world and make things fair, etc, etc. But life isn't fair, and we all know that.

As such, you can't compare this to a situation where a guy is pushing a girl for sex in a manner that constitutes overpowering her. You just can't. Men and women are wired differently and are subject to different cultural experiences. Women are consistently told in this culture that every man could potentially overpower her and have sex with her against her will. They hear stories about date rape all the time. So if a guy ties a girl up, knowing she doesn't want to have sex, and then tries to have sex with her, it's totally natural for her to go crazy and essentially throw the guy out. We'd all expect that. We'd be surprised if it didn't happen.

But I'm sorry to say that there's a double standard present because you're a guy, and you're tied up at the hands of your girlfriend. She probably views what she was doing as being seductive, and your rejection of her seems not to fit the crime, largely because we think of women overpowering men and forcing sex on them as something that never really happens in our society. It's not part of our culture to think that way. If you were in that position, and you didn't want sex from her, you probably should have handled it more delicately. Instead of getting angry, you should have explained to her your desire to stay abstinent and reassured her that it's not because she isn't hot, and that she IS hot, but that you really want your first time to be special, and have it all planned out so that it will be romantic and not just a spur of the moment thing.

I know this is a double-standard, because no woman would be expected to say this stuff to a guy who was forcing himself on her. But again, life isn't fair. If she decides never to speak to you again, let this be a learning experience. Not saying you have to give it up before you're ready, but you do have to work on your street smarts when it comes to dealing with women.

 

[Tickle_Addict]

I think overall you did the right thing. She was accepting of your fetish, which is good, but she definitely needs to accept that you didn't want to have sex. Would I have let her have at it? Yes, along with everybody else in this forum. But, that is because we all have our set of morals and standards, and if you didn't want sex, then ya just didn't want sex. Plain and simple. Kicking her out? We all make mistakes bro, obviously it was an impulsive act of anger and frustration, but it's from these experiences that you learn from brother!

You're not some weirdo or freak because of it. Anybody that says otherwise is being judgmental, and not respecting your morals. Power to ya brah.

 

[Gamer4Life]

Here's the thing. There shouldn't be double-standards in life, but there are. There just are. It sucks, we should all try to change the world and make things fair, etc, etc. But life isn't fair, and we all know that.

As such, you can't compare this to a situation where a guy is pushing a girl for sex in a manner that constitutes overpowering her. You just can't. Men and women are wired differently and are subject to different cultural experiences. Women are consistently told in this culture that every man could potentially overpower her and have sex with her against her will. They hear stories about date rape all the time. So if a guy ties a girl up, knowing she doesn't want to have sex, and then tries to have sex with her, it's totally natural for her to go crazy and essentially throw the guy out. We'd all expect that. We'd be surprised if it didn't happen.

But I'm sorry to say that there's a double standard present because you're a guy, and you're tied up at the hands of your girlfriend. She probably views what she was doing as being seductive, and your rejection of her seems not to fit the crime, largely because we don't think of women overpowering men and forcing sex on them as something that never really happens in our society. It's not part of our culture to think that way. If you were in that position, and you didn't want sex from her, you probably should have handled it more delicately. Instead of getting angry, you should have explained to her your desire to stay abstinent and reassured her that it's not because she isn't hot, and that she IS hot, but that you really want your first time to be special, and have it all planned out so that it will be romantic and not just a spur of the moment thing.

I know this is a double-standard, because no woman would be expected to say this stuff to a guy who was forcing himself on her. But again, life isn't fair. If she decides never to speak to you again, let this be a learning experience. Not saying you have to give it up before you're ready, but you do have to work on your street smarts when it comes to dealing with women.

I understand, whats in bold really stood out to me. Like I said, we've done this before, multiple times, its never been more than just a tickling session. Her on me for an hour, and sometimes we switch. What's normal in society is hardly normal to me as a person, if I open up more about my personal life you would understand why I say that. As I've stated, we're back together and she's apologized numerous times for "crossing the line" as she said, and she has also said she knew better, but her emotions and desires got in the way. But she should have also known, that like this experience, I would have satisfied her like always.

Thanks for all of the input guys, I didn't expect THIS type of response, I know I need some help understanding the female mind, but after seeing everybody's opinions, and weighing them all, I think it worked out the best possible way given the circumstances. Thanks again 🙂

 

[stockytickler]

I might be misunderstanding something here. I'm of the school of thought that the sub is the person in control of the situation. If something's going on the sub doesn't want and they express it -- safeword, firm refusal, anything -- any continuation is nonconsensual and potentially gross sexual imposition. Maybe the double standard you speak of is because he's the guy, but in this case he's the guy tied to the bed unable to physically stop anything that happens to him.

Yeah, he got aroused. And she was turned on. It was a sexy situation, ain't love grand. But if "hey, what are you doing? We talked about this, knock it off come on, I'm serious, stop it" wasn't stopping it, the next step is to shut it down and regroup when everyone's on the same page. And if there's a casting change so be it.

It does sound like a good learning experience for everyone involved.

 

[socktickler86]

Here's the thing. There shouldn't be double-standards in life, but there are. There just are. It sucks, we should all try to change the world and make things fair, etc, etc. But life isn't fair, and we all know that.

As such, you can't compare this to a situation where a guy is pushing a girl for sex in a manner that constitutes overpowering her. You just can't. Men and women are wired differently and are subject to different cultural experiences. Women are consistently told in this culture that every man could potentially overpower her and have sex with her against her will. They hear stories about date rape all the time. So if a guy ties a girl up, knowing she doesn't want to have sex, and then tries to have sex with her, it's totally natural for her to go crazy and essentially throw the guy out. We'd all expect that. We'd be surprised if it didn't happen.

But I'm sorry to say that there's a double standard present because you're a guy, and you're tied up at the hands of your girlfriend. She probably views what she was doing as being seductive, and your rejection of her seems not to fit the crime, largely because we think of women overpowering men and forcing sex on them as something that never really happens in our society. It's not part of our culture to think that way. If you were in that position, and you didn't want sex from her, you probably should have handled it more delicately. Instead of getting angry, you should have explained to her your desire to stay abstinent and reassured her that it's not because she isn't hot, and that she IS hot, but that you really want your first time to be special, and have it all planned out so that it will be romantic and not just a spur of the moment thing.

I know this is a double-standard, because no woman would be expected to say this stuff to a guy who was forcing himself on her. But again, life isn't fair. If she decides never to speak to you again, let this be a learning experience. Not saying you have to give it up before you're ready, but you do have to work on your street smarts when it comes to dealing with women.

Bullshit. Don't try to rationalize what would legally be considered rape. Double-standards exist because of people who try to rationalize things they feel are right but are logically wrong.

 

[stockytickler]

Would I have let her have at it? Yes, along with everybody else in this forum.

It sounds like she needs to set up a waiting room and one of those number machines. NEXT! 😀

 

[MaleTickleeDC]

Bullshit. Don't try to rationalize what would legally be considered rape. Double-standards exist because of people who try to rationalize things they feel are right but are logically wrong.

When I was in college, a buddy of mine had his girlfriend over to his dorm room once and they started fooling around. She was on top of him and had all of her weight on him so that he was pinned down. Then she started dry humping him. At one point he asked her to stop, not because he was opposed to sex or anything, but because he just didn't want to "finish" and make a mess all over himself. She was like, "You know you want it" or some such thing and kept going until he made a mess. When we were hanging out later he told me about it. We both agreed that it was rape. She had just raped him. We also both realized that if this had been the other way around, he would have gone to jail. But we all know that if this guy had complained or gone to law enforcement, he would have had to deal with skepticism, people unsure of exactly how to handle the situation, cops probably laughing at the guy behind his back, etc.

I'm not saying that wasn't legally rape. It was. I'm just saying that there are certain realities that we have to deal with in society.

 

[MaleTickleeDC]

Like I said, we've done this before, multiple times, its never been more than just a tickling session. Her on me for an hour, and sometimes we switch. What's normal in society is hardly normal to me as a person, if I open up more about my personal life you would understand why I say that.

Fair enough. It sounds like you guys have talked about this in the past enough to have an understanding of what's expected. My guess though is that she is wondering whether the problem is "her." She is probably also wondering whether you're waiting for some other, better girl to lose your virginity to. Just giving my opinion based on my experience with the things that run through girls' heads.

 

[socktickler86]

When I was in college, a buddy of mine had his girlfriend over to his dorm room once and they started fooling around. She was on top of him and had all of her weight on him so that he was pinned down. Then she started dry humping him. At one point he asked her to stop, not because he was opposed to sex or anything, but because he just didn't want to "finish" and make a mess all over himself. She was like, "You know you want it" or some such thing and kept going until he made a mess. When we were hanging out later he told me about it. We both agreed that it was rape. She had just raped him. We also both realized that if this had been the other way around, he would have gone to jail. But we all know that if this guy had complained or gone to law enforcement, he would have had to deal with skepticism, people unsure of exactly how to handle the situation, cops probably laughing at the guy behind his back, etc.

I'm not saying that wasn't legally rape. It was. I'm just saying that there are certain realities that we have to deal with in society.

Of course, he'll get laughed at if he reported it and he would get laughed at (as he is a bit in this thread) if he told other people how he felt, but that should in no way mean that HE acted incorrectly. This is 100% her problem and she's very lucky that he took her back. It's like saying a woman should feel bad because certain segments of society would demonize her for not being a stay at home wife and never getting a career. If she does, good for her, she shouldn't feel bad in the slightest that she rejected the double standard. In the OPs case, he shouldn't feel bad for rejecting the double standard and seeing this in that light.

As far as whether or not he feels bad, it is completely equivalent to a guy forcing himself on a girl. It doesn't matter what society thinks or whatever ignorant preconceived notions people have. I'm sure he knows there are consequences to how he acted, but that's what being a person with character is all about. Of course, that's how relationships are. The typical guy-girl problem might be the guy only wanting sex and the girl wondering if the guy only wants to have sex with her and that's it. It's all about knowing the consequences and deciding whether or not you will stand for what you believe or cave in.

Good for him. It is a glimmer of hope that not all guys just think with their dick.

 

[Gamer4Life]

Fair enough. It sounds like you guys have talked about this in the past enough to have an understanding of what's expected. My guess though is that she is wondering whether the problem is "her." She is probably also wondering whether you're waiting for some other, better girl to lose your virginity to. Just giving my opinion based on my experience with the things that run through girls' heads.

Haha, no, that's not the case. She's my second girlfriend (at 25, there's more ammunition for everybody to laugh at me about), and she knows I'm extremely shy to be able to "find something better"

 

[MaleTickleeDC]

Haha, no, that's not the case. She's my second girlfriend (at 25, there's more ammunition for everybody to laugh at me about), and she knows I'm extremely shy to be able to "find something better"

I'll do you one better, mate. I was 26 when I started dating my second girlfriend. Some of us are late bloomers. I was extremely shy in middle school, and then in high school I started coming out of my shell, but it wasn't until college when I managed to ditch the social awkwardness and finally attempt to actually ask girls out. But by then I was playing catch-up, so like your situation, it took me awhile to sort of learn the ropes and finally get girlfriends. No worries, everyone operates at their own pace. Some dudes have 5 girlfriends by the time they're 15, others come into their own a little later in life.

My only recommendation if you plan to try to keep things going with this girl is to make sure she knows that you find her attractive and that you really want to be with her and aren't waiting around for something better. Even if you're shy, there's always a chance that some girl will try to snag you. She understands all of this intellectually but, as one of my exes once told me, every girl has a 14 year old version of herself deep down inside who is convinced that all the other girls are prettier and better than her. I think as long as your girl is made to feel like you think the world of her, you'll probably avoid future episodes like this one, which probably have more to do with her second guessing herself than anything.

 

[Gamer4Life]

Oh she knows, I may not be the best with picking up women, but when you've been alone as long as I've been, you have a lot of time to think about how to be romantic, and I am that way as often as possible. Flowers to her work, a romantic home cooked dinner for her weekly, rose petals on her bed when she comes home from work, things like that. I would hope she has no doubts what she means to me.