Dom/Dommes?

[Deleted member 66627]

Is it just me, or do any of you too find it almost slightly offensive to see the term being thrown around and plastered to folks a bit loosely?

I know it's probably all a matter of mentality and opinion, but there have been some folks claiming to be 'Doms' who personally show me or express more submissive facets.

It's all very frustrating.

 

[kurchatovium]

Is it just me, or do any of you too find it almost slightly offensive to see the term being thrown around and plastered to folks a bit loosely?

I know it's probably all a matter of mentality and opinion, but there have been some folks claiming to be 'Doms' who personally show me or express more submissive facets.

It's all very frustrating.

There are Dom/mes who spend a lot of their time switching to a submissive role. I suppose they should announce themsleves more as a Switch at some point. Though it is a bit of case of semantics I suppose as I imagine many Dom/mes maybe switch on an occasion or two to sub role just for the heck of it. 😀 I rarely encounter such frequent switching here as most of the Mistresses and Masters here do seem to be genuinely all dominant. On the IRC (Internet Relay Chat) you tend to find a lot more switching going on at least from my personal experience. It does not really bother me all that much though personally I kind of like a Mistress to be all Domme but thats just me. 😀

 

[osprey825]

From past experience with Dommes I have found that tickling seems to be a situation that is difficult for some of them to put parameters on. It's not something that they get many, or any, requests for, and thus the encounter has the overtones that you notice. It can lead to some not very good sessions which is dull.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

like Kurch said. i'm a switch, but i've been focusing more on my Dom side. but i doubt i could truly earn the title until i can get the proper instruction from someone.

 

[TMF Jeff]

I usually find it amusing. I've always felt that if you have to tell someone you're a dom, you're probably not one.

But on the other hand, if one person can convince another person to do what they say, I suppose technically they have to be on the list.

I remember one time in Vegas I went to a Bondage night at a swingers club. My friend Master Leonard, who had earned the title the hard way, was doing some demo's and they were doing a slave auction too, so my friend Sabrina and I decided to go. It ended up being somewhat boring, but there was a guy there who this reminds me of.

He was a good looking guy, dressed in leather boots, leather pants, and some kind of harness, and he was being treated as a dom by the people who knew him. But he had this expression on his face that bugged us both for some reason, he just looked too eager to please. And when he started talking to Sabrina and I, he had that same vibe, like "Please, like me!"

Sabrina and I started referring to what he was wearing as his "dom costume," because if he didn't have that on, you'd never know that's what he was... or at least thought he was.

 

[Strider]

I won't go so far as to say I find it annoying, but if someone was exhibiting behavior like that to me, I'd at least try to understand why they view themselves a certain way if they're behavior doesn't really match up, and I might suggest they maybe reevaluate their self-perception.

There's also always the possibility that some say this to impress people without really understanding what they're saying. On this forum, I'd probably say the latter is more likely.

 

[chicago]

When I see those titles applied to a person, it makes me think they're more professional, i.e. they make money doing it, or they are very dedicated to the lifestyle. I would say most people on this site are probably not "doms" or "dommes" in the way that I define those words, and are probably moreso just "dominant" or prefer to be the "dominant" one.

 

[Mistress Aura]

Is it just me, or do any of you too find it almost slightly offensive to see the term being thrown around and plastered to folks a bit loosely?

I know it's probably all a matter of mentality and opinion, but there have been some folks claiming to be 'Doms' who personally show me or express more submissive facets.

It's all very frustrating.

Valid question, verbose response, personal experience. Brace. 😉 LOL

I understand the frustration, in a sense. It can be very disillusioning. But first off, keep in mind--in old school, every trained Dom/me was at one time a submissive. You had to be. It's the only way to be a good top, the only way to completely understand what's going on down there and be able to provide what the submissive needs to achieve the fulfillment that led him or her to that place with you to begin with. Once you were a fully accomplished submissive, then you could move on to train as a Dom/me--otherwise, you'd just be a submissive with a piss-poor attitude and a dream.

I trained in central Florida, and I was a full submissive for years, in order to fully understand all aspects of the D/s world--but I was also involved in lifestyle at that time. Did I enjoy submitting? Not really. But I had to learn it, and I wanted to do it right. Eventually I chose to move away from lifestyle--not only because it was an extraordinarily difficult and tricky path to maintain for me, but because I found it too personally restrictive. A lot of the pro lifestyles I've been acquainted with tend to get a bad case of "Dom Disease" and take every aspect of their dominance to extremes; they begin viewing their subs as pieces of meat instead of as humans, and forget that they have human emotions themselves, as though emotion were beneath them.

My subs always meant too much to me for that. In some ways, the manner in which I would care for them might be confused with submissive behavior on my part, but it's really not, not for me. When I have a committed submissive, that commitment goes both ways. He's there because he wants to be, because he trusts me to fulfill him and has offered himself to me out of that trust. In turn, I've accepted the total care of him, I take that very seriously, and I will move heaven and earth to be certain his needs are met, both physically and emotionally, whatever the situation may be. That in itself is what made me step away from lifestyle--because my sub matters as much as I do, I just know and handle the "darker parts" of what he needs and when he needs it. I'm a very good Mistress, but I'm not a demigod(dess), if that makes sense..?

Certainly there are some posers out there, but it's like that with any profession--the real thing and the wannabes are in every facet of life. Non-lifestyle Dom/mes may not always assume dominant behavior unless it's required. Some reserve it only for sessions. I personally only behave as a Domme when I'm approached as one, and only if I choose to agree to that form of interaction, in the way that Redscript handled himself when he chose to commit. In some ways, it might even be difficult for someone to know I really am a Domme by my day-to-day behavior, unless I purposely reveal it. Which I am fully capable of doing, make no mistake--but why show off and waste it?

The best tops I've ever known are the quietest, most laid back people in every day life. Just don't push the wrong buttons. 😉 LOL

Hope this helps some--and do PM me if there's anything with which I can help you further.

Mistress Aura

 

[P[a]pi]

I say I'm a "dom/ler" in threads about the topic, and then I explain what those 2 terms mean to me.

I don't think I fit the classic definition of either, which is why I explain.

However, I never call myself a dom in conversation, and nobody else ever has to either. I honestly don't like how dom or sub sound (when compared to ler and lee), but I and my gf have qualities of each respectively.

We just go with ler and lee as our titles. There are just so many different variations and mixtures of everything. It's hard to be just one thing I think, so we pick what fits best, but it's not a perfect fit.

 

[Geena]

I totally agree with you (on the original post) about Doms not being real Doms etc.

 

[Redmage]

I know it's probably all a matter of mentality and opinion, but there have been some folks claiming to be 'Doms' who personally show me or express more submissive facets.

It's all very frustrating.

Some switches present themselves as dominants because it's not always acceptable to be a switch. I've met bottoms who won't play with a top that they know switches. Switching doesn't fit those bottoms' mental images of a Dominant.

That mental image is what a lot of this comes down to.

 

[dvnc]

I agree with Jeff, Redmage and Mistress Aura in their perspectives.

Simply put, a Dom is dominant because they are. Red is red, cold is cold, and a Dom's a dom.

Someone trying hard to be a Dom without bothering to learn it will show as Jeff describes (at best). That's always somewhat like a b movie.

I know several dominant folks who've not subbed and do alright, but having bottomed to learn what they experience, I agree big-time with Mistress Aura. It's WAY useful to learn what they experience. Gives you the right headspace for it, big time, even if you don't dig the practice at the time. It's a class, a school, a necessary learning.

 

[Redscript]

I don't know a lot about the strict definitions: you have to be full time, have to have been a sub etc., so I'll do this another way:

A Dom may be called so if he has a submissive. Simple as that. You may be a mild mannered, shy, quiet person, but as long as you have a sub, you're a dom. And how good of a dom you are is only judged by how happy or rather pleased you're submissive is.

If you don't have a sub, you're just dominating, a trait, rather then title.

Gloria discipuli, gloria magistri.
If you wanna know if a dom is really good, look no further than his submissive.

 

[huskys]

Excellent point Crystal!!
Some people are all to eager to jump on the BDSM bandwagon and "label" themselves without really knowing what its all about. Almost like following a trend.
And they don't really do justice to the term at all!!!

 

[Deleted member 66627]

If you wanna know if a dom is really good, look no further than his submissive.

I don't necessarily agree with that.

I mean, yeah, Loyalty and such wise. But they're so many different facets that happen in D/s relationships that not always can that quote be applied.

As per all the other responses? Appreciate it.

I suppose it's just frustrating for me, personally, to see folks who I have seen and or talked to that just oozed submissive qualities to me go and 'label' themselves as the opposite.

Makes me wanna smack 'em.

Or fuck with 'em.

Yeah, fuck with 'em.

 

[Redscript]

I don't necessarily agree with that.

Yes, that's why I said '' I don't know about strict definitions.. ''
I'm just giving my point of view.

And then you talk about some doms oozing submissive qualities. Remember just like there are a lot of different subs, there are different doms. A dom doesn't have to be dominating in order to be a dom. Trust me.

For example, my Mistress: She is fully capable of going full out dominant: cold stares, calculated sentences and everything. But she doesn't need to do that. If she wants me to do something, all she has to do is look at me, and it's not a look of '' You better do it'', but rather a ''Do it for me''. And that I cannot refuse. And I personally adore that. If a dom would try to dominate me by being dominant, he would be promptly ignored, and if he persisted, he would find him or herself in a submission hold.

So remember, there are fakers out there, but some are just a different type of dom, but no less worthy of the title than the rest.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Yes, that's why I said '' I don't know about strict definitions.. ''
I'm just giving my point of view.

I was merely referring to your quote, not the whole post.

And then you talk about some doms oozing submissive qualities. Remember just like there are a lot of different subs, there are different doms. A dom doesn't have to be dominating in order to be a dom. Trust me.

I understand this, completely.

It's the folks I'm referring to that blatantly slam a label and parade around like they're something, when they can easily be piled into the ground.

That frustrates me.

If a dom would try to dominate me by being dominant, he would be promptly ignored, and if he persisted, he would find him or herself in a submission hold.

I agree with that much. The end at least. I wouldn't ignore. My inner sadist comes falling out of it's not so well locked cage to bat the person around.

So remember, there are fakers out there, but some are just a different type of dom, but no less worthy of the title than the rest.

They're extremes, though. Those are what I'm referring to. Not the one's who come off quiet but are really, really good at what they do.

I know well of those.

It's the blatantly ignorant ones that get me.

 

[Redscript]

Oh, OK.

 

[Mistress Aura]

It's the folks I'm referring to that blatantly slam a label and parade around like they're something, when they can easily be piled into the ground.

That frustrates me....

They're extremes, though. Those are what I'm referring to. Not the one's who come off quiet but are really, really good at what they do.

I know well of those.

It's the blatantly ignorant ones that get me.

Just in responding to this thread, Redscript underscored part of what my original point was. It was pleasantly unexpected--he's not generally an active poster here, and I have to note I not only appreciate his efforts, it gives me validation that my own decision of the method I developed and use is effective for him when we are active in our interactions. That's what counts.

This really is such a multi-faceted area. In that respect and in what you've now conveyed, I believe I can agree with the basis of what you're saying. Blatant posers can poison the well, and can shine a bad light on others that are truly serious about who they are and what they do. But in the long run, I also think it may depend on what you're looking for, too, if you're looking at all, or if you're just frustrated with feeling as though you're unable to locate someone who has the skill and determination to find your personal voids, identify them and ultimately fill them.

Are you referring mostly to Doms who have approached and are "chesting" you with aggression? (Yeah, like that would fly more than a millimeter. 🙄 ) Are you testing those who make the claim to see if they're serious, they don't give you a response you're looking for, and that's what leading to the frustration and disillusionment? Do you already have a solid idea in your head of exactly what a Dom/me should be and very few are measuring up? In what I have gleaned of your personality during the time you've been here, I can see without a doubt that your strength could easily punch holes in someone if he or she didn't know exactly what you were looking for and/or when.

It's been a long time since I was able to just talk about this subject. Once again, kudos on starting a great thread. 😉

Mistress Aura

 

[kurchatovium]

I am by no means an expert on the subject but I have found as I was exploring my submissive side that being a good Domme is not nearly as easy as people think. I have gotten into many arguments on the IRC with "Dommes" who think all they have to do to be dominant is order people around, and be rude and mean. The best Dominants I have found get to know you and get inside your head and get you to do things that you probably wanted to do but never really had the courage to try. I think probably that could be a reason why its important for them to understand things from a submissive side even if they are not very submissive at all. Also from my explorations the best Dominants are far from rude or mean, they are almost always very polite and even a bit subdued I would say. Anyway just my two cents. 😀 😛

 

[Capnmad]

Meh. Dom-schmom. Labels are funny.

You'll find people who believe doms are just born -- you either are one or you aren't.

Then you'll find folks who say you need training to be a dom, which seems to suggest that doms are "made".

You'll find people who use the term "dom" as criticism against someone who's claimed they are a dom when they engage in some behavior less than their own personal standards for dominance: "How very dom of you."

Some will think that if someone says they are one (presumably, if they feel they have to say it), they're not a dom.

Some will think that if someone says they are one (if they have the audacity to put forward that notion), it's somewhat more likely that they are, because it takes a characteristic sense of confidence bordering on pretension to make the claim.

I think the word "dom" or "domme" is an ideal abstract.

I think everyone has some dominant and some submissive traits. People show some at some times, and other ones at other times. A genetic line of solid dominant traits or solid submissive traits wouldn't have survived long enough to pass on -- the former would wander about looking for tigers to wrestle barehanded, and the latter would too willingly lay down and be their food.

I've spoken to self-proclaimed doms who've displayed traits that wouldn't jive with my sense of what is dominant, and so I don't consider them any more special or unique than anyone else, but I respect whatever label they want to give themselves, as I would with anyone (provided it's not too absurd).

I don't bother much with labels for myself. I like to play, and when I play definitely more dominant traits show automatically. I like it, just as I like strugglers, fighters, and people with a saucy disposition in play. It makes the experience more enjoyable.

But I allow my playmates to each decide for themselves what they think I am. I've only rarely been mislabeled.

 

[LeeAllure]

I heard an interesting quote today

relevant to the topic -

"He doesn't have to demand respect, he commands it."

In my mind, that's what being dominant it about - leading,
being charismatic and strong enough in your ideals to have
people respect you to trust that you'll take care of them,
that you'll make good decisions, etc.

There are plenty of people I know who put on airs and act
all "domly" who really aren't, but then again, some people
can fake it 'til they make it.

Lee

 

[Deleted member 66627]

This really is such a multi-faceted area. In that respect and in what you've now conveyed, I believe I can agree with the basis of what you're saying. Blatant posers can poison the well, and can shine a bad light on others that are truly serious about who they are and what they do.

Exactly. I have barely any experience with D/s and have been gathering information from anywhere and certain folks.

I am for the most part; clueless. But it endlessly fascinates me. Always has.

I respect D/s on many levels. And have had the privelage of speaking with Dominants about their craft and truly absorb the aspects of seriousness and almost pride that they take in their own individual abilities.

Thus proving further that you don't just roll out of bed and say.. "Oh, I'm a Dom. Let me add that to my list, right underneath my I heart guacamole image."

It's a craft. And one that should be respected. Regardless of whom you are.

But in the long run, I also think it may depend on what you're looking for, too, if you're looking at all, or if you're just frustrated with feeling as though you're unable to locate someone who has the skill and determination to find your personal voids, identify them and ultimately fill them.

No. This is valid, but not my personal case. It's broader then that, based on a general foundation of utter disbelief at some folks in today's society. Especially when throwing in the kink aspect.

Do you already have a solid idea in your head of exactly what a Dom/me should be and very few are measuring up?

From what I have researched/discussed and experienced, I have been able to draw a decent enough personal opinion on what is viewed as Dom to me.

Perhaps it's all just selfish behavior on my end. But, so be it. It simply pisses me off seeing every asshole down the street labeling themselves with something that in my personal view is a respected and not easily obtained title.

I respect the practice and have enough knowledge that it is not as easy as it seems.

In what I have gleaned of your personality during the time you've been here, I can see without a doubt that your strength could easily punch holes in someone if he or she didn't know exactly what you were looking for and/or when.

I just don't like when people claim themselves to be something they so clearly are not, I want to know what makes them think they are capable of titling themselves as such, how they have gone about their work and what results they have pulled from that.

What have they learned, basically.

When I know full well I could toss something at some of them and watch them fall off the metaphorical edge.

It's been a long time since I was able to just talk about this subject. Once again, kudos on starting a great thread.

Thank you. Appreciate yours and everyone elses' responses. 🙂

 

[tickleboynyc]

being a dom is an art, really. i agree that it's more about getting in your sub's head than being bitchy etc. it's knowing when to be tough and when to be sweet even, or just cold, or haughty, or... you know.. some ppl just have a knack for it, a talent, really. but posers-ugh. anyway, ppl's sexual fantasies are sacred in a way i think. they need to be respected at least. it's part of you of who you are.

just like a bad sexual experience is really frustrating, a bad dom session-i imagine- can be equally frustrating.

thankfully i've been pretty lucky so far. 😀

 

[Strider]

My initial response was on the fly, I've had some more time to think about the subject...

I'm not particularly big on strict definitions. I don't generally label myself unprompted; if someone asks me what I am, I'll generally just say 'top' though I don't reject 'Dom' (though for the love of god don't call me Master). But, despite all that, I still enjoy the sensation of pain every now and then. When I had my pet, there were a couple times when I had her inflict pain on me. Personally, I didn't consider it to be switching; I told her what to do, how hard, where I wanted it, etc. As far as I was concerned, she was still performing a service for me. But some probably would consider that switching, regardless of the circumstances.

Ultimately, in the end, what somebody evaluates themselves as is often relatively close to what they actually are. If someone's self-description doesn't match up with yours, there are a few reasons why that could be. As others have said, it could very well be a clash between your perceptions and those of the other individuals you refer to, both of you could just have different expectations. There's also the possibility that some people are just so new they don't really understand the terms they're throwing around (in my first year or so in the Lifestyle, I gave some rather cringe-worthy performances, and fortunately the people around me were kind enough to let me work through that and figure out for myself what I was doing wrong). Or, like I said earlier, it's quite possible you've just gotten some people trying to impress you who really don't know what they're talking about. Such folks exist in every walk of life.