Experiences with telling significant other about your fetish

[Private Tickle]

Good/bad experiences. Just curious how ppl have gone about it and what was said. Good or bad decision to talk about it over all?

 

[milagros317]

A very long time ago (1980), I was as close to getting married as I have ever been. I told Suzanne (not her real name) all about my interests in detail. She suggested that I see a psychiatrist, then insisted on it as a condition of our remaining a couple. We broke up a few months later. Seemed like a bad decision to tell her. (I was 30, she was 26 and a PhD student in English literature.)

BUT, I met her 20 years later in line at an ATM. She had aged badly, was married with two kids, had never had a full time job, and had cost her husband a fortune in psychiatrists' bills for herself. So it was really a great decision.

 

[Comfort Eagle]

Nothing but either positive or complete disinterest. Have never had a bad experience outside of a Wow that's kind of weird. I have no idea how people keep getting "Wait hold the phone... tickling? FUCKING TICKLING?! What the everliving fuck man jesus shitfuck what the fuck is wrong with you" reactions people often express fear about. The absolute worst response was a "That's weird and you're not doing it to me", but it ended there and never came back up.

To be fair though, I've always been fairly upfront about it, so if I had never told someone I'd been with for a while and then sprung it up on them, I think maybe the reaction would be different. Still though.

 

[Lostcause13]

The tickling part my girlfriend figured out since i tickled her all the time when we were just flirting or fooling around, the foot fetish part she was surprised by, but she actually said she was relieved because it was a 'harmless' fetish. Her logic was everyone has something and some are harder to deal with than others I guess. She also loves teasing me, especially in public.

 

[helplessandhappy]

She suggested that I see a psychiatrist, then insisted on it as a condition of our remaining a couple.

That is a very weird reaction. I have to imagine she must have been very uncomfortable with the subject of sex and possibly even hiding some sort of shameful, deeply ingrained fetish herself... There would be no reason to have such a strong reaction otherwise. And my God, if she thinks this is a weird turn on, what the hell would she think of more hardcore forms of S&M play?

 

[KittenToes]

A very long time ago (1980), I was as close to getting married as I have ever been. I told Suzanne (not her real name) all about my interests in detail. She suggested that I see a psychiatrist, then insisted on it as a condition of our remaining a couple. We broke up a few months later. Seemed like a bad decision to tell her. (I was 30, she was 26 and a PhD student in English literature.)

BUT, I met her 20 years later in line at an ATM. She had aged badly, was married with two kids, had never had a full time job, and had cost her husband a fortune in psychiatrists' bills for herself. So it was really a great decision.

I've probably told you this story in person, Milagros, but I had a similar experience with my first serious bf.

We'd been dating about 6 months and I'd hinted a couple times that I'd like him to tie me up and nothing had come of it, so, to move things along, I decided to tie myself to his bed before he got home and hoped he could figure out something interesting to do- not tickling, which wasn't yet on my radar as a possible kink, but the being restrained was the main thing for me.

So, he comes in, sees me tied to the bed, fusses that I could hurt myself or be trapped or cut off my circulation and then suggests I see a shrink. He was finishing up med school, for psychiatry, and said he was too close to the subject to help, but that he really thought I needed to talk to someone. This obviously was not the reaction I was after.

We dated for a while after this, but I was not happy with that aspect of our relationship.

My 2nd serious boyfriend seemed a bit more adventurous, so I tried the old trick of "I'll do your thing if you do mine" I did his "thing" (which wasn't even what I'd call a kink, just a preference) and then he said I seemed to enjoy it so he guessed we didn't need to do my tying up and spanking thing. He's an ex for a reason! (well, several reasons)

3rd time's the charm I guess- kink just came up in conversation, we realized we had matching/complementary kinks, and it just evolved naturally. 9 years and counting! I grew to really enjoy tickling. In fact, I can orgasm just from being tickled! However, I still don't think I could call it my primary kink because it doesn't show up in my fantasies- but it happens so much as part of my normal sex life that I guess I don't have to daydream about it! For me, the tickling comes under the BDSM "umbrella" of restraint and control, like the other perversions that I enjoy.

So I would say that it's a good idea to bring it up after you've been dating a little while, maybe a few months, so you are both relatively relaxed with each other. After all, you don't want to have to find out years later that your favorite activity is your life partner's worst phobia!

 

[helplessandhappy]

I would personally not wait to bring it up. I'd bring it up the first time I talked to them (or at least, the first time we talked about sex in whatever way) Why wait a few months and waste your time? I would have done that in my 20s, but now? Hell no. I just come at guys and treat them like it's a job interview and see what they can offer me right away. If they don't want a relationship, peace out. If they aren't into my kinks, peace out. If they don't have a good job, PEACE OUT. Life is too short to waste months on the wrong person.

 

[goldentk]

We never had a "formal conversation" per-say, but my former wife most certainly got the picture that I had a tickling fetish, and ABSOLUTELY a foot fetish. I would give her VERY frequent foot massages, which needless to say, she enjoyed. On more than one occasion, while giving her a foot massage and stopping when I thought I was done, she would correct me, "You're not done with that!" But, a lot of times I would just caress and gently rub her feet, which she liked as well. This happened often enough that she would sometimes just place her feet on my lap and tempt me with them. So she was well aware of my foot thing.

Now, with the tickling thing... This happened perhaps a little more often that she would have liked. Hence, she clearly got the clue that this was a serious interest of mine. I probably came out and said, "I really like tickling your feet", but I can not recall exactly when. So, sometimes she would humor me by letting me tickle her feet, sometimes she would just tolerate it, and sometimes she wouldn't like it at all. It really depended on her mood. I promise you that she was genuinely ticklish, but her sensitivity (and thus, her enjoyment) depended on her mood.

I more than likely mentioned to her that I liked to be tickled as well. I'm assuming I said something like that to her because she would humor me by tickling my feet, but this happened only a handful of times. She seemed to enjoy it to some extent, but it didn't happen a whole lot.

Bondage was out of the question. We tried it only twice, and both times she was VERY uncomfortable, both with her being bound and having me bound. I stopped immediately after I noticed her discomfort. Honestly, this was a bummer for me; I do enjoy having my 'lees bound while I tickle them.

 

[KittenToes]

I would personally not wait to bring it up. I'd bring it up the first time I talked to them (or at least, the first time we talked about sex in whatever way) Why wait a few months and waste your time? I would have done that in my 20s, but now? Hell no. I just come at guys and treat them like it's a job interview and see what they can offer me right away. If they don't want a relationship, peace out. If they aren't into my kinks, peace out. If they don't have a good job, PEACE OUT. Life is too short to waste months on the wrong person.

Why wait a few months? Valid question.

Reason I said this is, if you bring up too much on a first date, or even the first few dates, it will freak people out. EVEN people who are kink friendly and may even share your kinks- it's a question of too much too soon. It's like someone starting off by saying she/he wants to be married within 2 years and have kids by a certain time, etc. Obviously if you meet someone on a fetish site like this or Fetlife or at a fetish event it's different, here it's all on the table before you even meet IRL. If you're discussing sex before actually meeting then obviously tickling can be brought up. The sort of situation I was thinking of was more the brief intro/meeting that then leads to a first date, which would mean that you don't yet know a lot about each other. Extensive online correspondence prior to that first date creates a different timescale of course.

Second reason is- if you aren't compatible as far as vanilla sex goes, better to find that out before you add your kinks into the mix. Imagine having to put up with mediocre sex, or a tiny willy, for example, just because someone was willing to tickle you!

Surely good sex all the time is at least as important as the occasional perversion?

 

[helplessandhappy]

It's like someone starting off by saying she/he wants to be married within 2 years and have kids by a certain time, etc.

LOL I do those things too. Or my own versions of them. We all have our own methods in dating, I guess. I'm at a place in my life where I'm completely over any bullshit and I have no desire to waste time or date people casually. I know what I want, and I know that it's going to take the right sort of guy to love me the way I need. That sort of guy would not be the type to get "freaked out" easily. So, for me, being ultra upfront and intense about everything is a part of my screening process. If they can handle that, they can probably handle my passionate, crazy brand of love as well. 🙂

 

[Mitchell]

With my main ex gf, Jenny, she was okay with it.. She just considered it part of our physical lives.

With the other women I've been very interested in.,. or had long term interaction with..

Stacey,.,. a girl who really liked me.. and who would have been involved with me, if she didn't meet a jerk friend of mine first..

I told her, and she was okay with it. It wasn't the thing that kept us apart.

Melissa.. a pen pal.. who lived a long distance away, with whom I had a long term phone interaction with. She had complained to me.. how at some point, her grandmother.. for whatever reason.., had made her kiss the grandmother's feet. At which point. I said something like "I probably should tell you now.. I like womens feet, and if we do get together.. how would you be about my kissing your feet?" She said "That would be different, because as my bf, feet is just a body part". When I asked her if she was ticklish, her reply was "Yes, I'm very ticklish, in an almost annoyed, why are you asking me tone", but she didn't turn me away because of it. She was a devout Mormon, and her beliefs were a serious obstacle. My asking her to play with her feet, or if she was ticklish, isn't the thing that kept us apart.

Same thing with the girl I was interested in most recently.. that I've posted about on here.. Maria. As I've posted, she asked me many personal questions about myself.. at which point I told her I had an "interest". She guessed "feet", but beyond saying she supposedly had ugly feet, she didn't say "I don't want to be with you because you have a foot fetish". She claimed she isn't ticklish, but I haven't tested it out.

Personally. I would not confess any fetishes, be they feet.. or tickling.. until I really knew the girl well. It seems like it could pose a real problem.. to say.. bring it up on a first date. I haven't done that, but that's just me.

 

[itsjustaride]

I've never really had to come out and tell any of my girlfriends about my foot or tickling fetishes because it became an obvious fact after I repeatedly tickled them or went to rub and play with their feet. Sooner or later they'd confront me about it and at first I'd get all red-faced and stammering about it, then I'd just admit it. Most of them were cool with it, at least the foot fetish part, but none of them really enjoyed getting tickled for more than a minute or so every now and then.

 

[Libertine]

LOL I do those things too. Or my own versions of them. We all have our own methods in dating, I guess. I'm at a place in my life where I'm completely over any bullshit and I have no desire to waste time or date people casually. I know what I want, and I know that it's going to take the right sort of guy to love me the way I need. That sort of guy would not be the type to get "freaked out" easily. So, for me, being ultra upfront and intense about everything is a part of my screening process. If they can handle that, they can probably handle my passionate, crazy brand of love as well. 🙂

Even if both people want the same thing, it's not a given that they should be doing whatever it is with one another. Love's a twofold proposition which not only involves finding shared interests but also sharing the chemistry that cements those parts of the puzzle together. One cannot exist without the other if the relationship is to have any hope of lasting.

 

[helplessandhappy]

Well yeah, obviously the chemistry has to be right. But you can have chemistry with a lot of people who are totally wrong for you, so I think it's important to put them through a screening process first, THEN check for chemistry. 🙂

 

[KittenToes]

Well yeah, obviously the chemistry has to be right. But you can have chemistry with a lot of people who are totally wrong for you, so I think it's important to put them through a screening process first, THEN check for chemistry. 🙂

The way it's always worked for me is that chemistry develops after I've decided I like the person. Things tend to happen in this order: Do I like them, then, is there "chemistry", next, is there enough chemistry to want to sleep with them, THEN, does that aspect work well enough for me to bring up kinks?
When Libertine and I met I was very careful to not allow the chemistry/pheromones to take over before I felt I knew him as a person- I purposely avoided getting too close physically, or doing things like cuddling, or sniffing him (scent's important!) early on.

I have to say the way I deal with attraction is probably not typical of most women. I'm a bit of an odd one- never had a "crush" in my life!

 

[piyr]

I'm probably the poster boy for how NOT to do it.

I agree that it's best to bring it up early. That wasn't the road I took however. I found myself married before we talked about it. While we were dating she wanted to tie me up and tickle me (her idea). She didn't know of my fetish and being a 50-50 ler-lee (probably more 70-30 but whatever) I purposely played it cool and agreed only if I got to do the same to her. She declined because she said she was way too ticklish on her feet and couldn't stand it and the whole thing passed. I foolishly thought something would eventually come of it because of her initial interest. Before I got brought it up, our situation caused us to get married.

Anyway, to answer your question, it came up a few years into our marriage only after I got caught on the forum. We didn't have a long drawn out conversation at the time. She really didn't get the whole thing and I just suppressed my feelings, trying to sneak in a quick tickle here and there, hoping she would warm up to it. Never happened. We had small conversations over the years with little progress - she has a hard limit of not being a lee and is disinterested at best in being a ler. She has never been degrading and called me weird but it's still not a comfortable conversation for me mainly because she gets defensive because she thinks that I think that she should accommodate me while I'm just really trying to understand how she feels about it. Maybe I'm not so artful, I don't know.

Anyway, I got some professional advice from an AASECT certified counselor and educated myself on why I have this fetish, what it means to me, my identity and our relationship and how to have conversation about it in a positive way. Part of it is realizing two things. First, that while I have a specific kink, the kink is normal even if it's not "mainstream". Second, her attitudes, likes and dislikes about sex are shaped in the same way as mine, even if it doesn't seem that way because her tastes run more in the mainstream - maybe she responds to smells, certain body features, a nice smile, whatever... In other words, understanding that each other's sexuality is their own and "normal" and also that rejecting your partners sexuality is rejecting the person even if you don't mean it that way.

I see small changes in her now that I attribute directly to us starting to cut through the crap baggage that we each held about what should and shouldn't be.

 

[porcelaindoll2]

Everyone I've ever dated were mostly off of FetLife, so they were at least in the scene. Now I have mostly dated male Doms and yes they were at least in the scene, but none of them had a tickle fetish or had even heard of tickling being a fetish. Only had one person in the lifestyle that I had to break it off with because he just didn't seem interested in tickling at all. Most of they guys were willing to give it a try. Some were better at it then others and there was a fair amount of teaching/explaining from me first. Although getting my foot fetish satisfied was harder and most of the Doms I dated had an attitude of, "O hell no!". One Dom would even go on and on about how foot fetishist are strange(Yeah and since I like to give and receive that made me feel wonderful). My feet rarely ever got worshiped until I met my current switch boyfriend that I have been dating for over a year and a half. He only really has a foot fetish/tickle fetish for me. Me being happy and horny makes him happy and horny. He is into sensation play and to him tickling was just another form of sensation play.

 

[fecil]

So it was really a great decision. [/QUOTE]

Saved by tickling. I like it.

 

[ialwayseatsalmo]

I'm sure you have quite enough responses already but I'll give my experiences as well. I have a foot and tickling fetish and I've never told one without the other.

Age 15-17 - The first 2-3 girls I told weren't really about it. They didn't say it weirded them out, just that they weren't into it.

Age 18- The next girl I told thought it was interesting. She loved my foot rubs and while she wouldn't do a tickle "session" per se, she'd let me tickle her feet quite a bit.

Age 20 - I met a girl online and she was pretty weird, but we dated for a little bit. She was super ticklish and would let me tickle her and play with her feet, etc. She thought the fetishes were cool.

Age 21 - Met my current girlfriend. She loves it. She probably likes it more than I do. She loves putting her feet in my lap and turning me on. She loves letting me tickle her. She has told her friends and roommates about it, and while I initially got upset, she said they thought it was cool too and they were kinda jealous. They also wanted to know if they had nice feet.

While I'm sure many experiences are different, I've really had a lot of success just being open about it. Explain to them what it is that you do like about it and why. I personally love the struggle and the helplessness. Your SO should want to please you regardless.

 

[BigBrownEyes]

I have never come out and told anyone that I have a tickle fetish. Quite a few ladies whom I was involved with over the year figured out that I have more than a passing interest in tickling. But I chose never to have "the talk" and tell them how deeply I love tickling.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

Personally, I don't ever have that conversation, and here's why. The moment you associate tickling with sexual activity in the mind of your significant other, you've just slammed the door on any opportunity for tickling outside of that relationship. (The only exception to this would of course be a case in which you are in an open or "polyamorous" relationship, which carries it's own unique set of challenges.)

If tickling excites you sexually, my best advice is to take that information to the gave with you. I've had a couple of friends over the years who made this mistake of telling their significant other about their "fetish." Now each of them is confined to indulge that fetish with only one person for the rest of their lives.

This isn't to say you shouldn't indulge in tickling with your significant other. By all means, have at it. Just don't announce it as a fetish, or liken it in any way with sex.

 

[Lostcause13]

Personally, I don't ever have that conversation, and here's why. The moment you associate tickling with sexual activity in the mind of your significant other, you've just slammed the door on any opportunity for tickling outside of that relationship. (The only exception to this would of course be a case in which you are in an open or "polyamorous" relationship, which carries it's own unique set of challenges.)

If tickling excites you sexually, my best advice is to take that information to the gave with you. I've had a couple of friends over the years who made this mistake of telling their significant other about their "fetish." Now each of them is confined to indulge that fetish with only one person for the rest of their lives.

This isn't to say you shouldn't indulge in tickling with your significant other. By all means, have at it. Just don't announce it as a fetish, or liken it in any way with sex.

I'm going to disagree on the basis that to me indulging in my fetishes with someone who isn't my girlfriend is cheating, whether she thinks its sexual or not. I know it is, and I know it's cheating even if she doesn't. That being said, I can't say I've ever been with someone who couldn't put two and two together and realize for some reason i like feet and tickling, and there I am tickling her friend. It just doesn't seem healthy for either of you in a relationship. That's just my two cents.

 

[helplessandhappy]

The way it's always worked for me is that chemistry develops after I've decided I like the person. Things tend to happen in this order: Do I like them, then, is there "chemistry", next, is there enough chemistry to want to sleep with them, THEN, does that aspect work well enough for me to bring up kinks?
When Libertine and I met I was very careful to not allow the chemistry/pheromones to take over before I felt I knew him as a person- I purposely avoided getting too close physically, or doing things like cuddling, or sniffing him (scent's important!) early on.

I have to say the way I deal with attraction is probably not typical of most women. I'm a bit of an odd one- never had a "crush" in my life!

I wish I was more like that! lol... I get painful, stupid crushes that completely destroy me every time. It's fun though! 😉

 

[helplessandhappy]

I'm going to disagree on the basis that to me indulging in my fetishes with someone who isn't my girlfriend is cheating, whether she thinks its sexual or not. I know it is, and I know it's cheating even if she doesn't. That being said, I can't say I've ever been with someone who couldn't put two and two together and realize for some reason i like feet and tickling, and there I am tickling her friend. It just doesn't seem healthy for either of you in a relationship. That's just my two cents.

Of course it isn't healthy. All fetish issues aside, most women are not going to be okay with their partner starting tickle fights with other women. Fetish or not, tickling is still considered flirtatious and intimate, because it IS. The right person might be open minded to it, but I guarantee they are few and far between. Most people want their partners all to themselves.

 

[Davy Jones]

Personally I have never shared this with any of my past girlfriends. Tho I could tell pretty early on whether or not they enjoyed that type of thing or no by their reaction to some tickles here and there. a small Part of me not sharing that is that I wouldnt have any idea how to start or get deep into a conversation like that. A bigger part however is the fact that I like the fact that this part of my life is private and only explored with strangers , since I play about once every 2 months or so(As a Ler and a Lee) in paid encounters. Some might consider this cheating, I try not to think about it too much.