Favorite Simpsons Quotes

[Frink]

Ok Simpsons fans..... Let's hear them! 😎

I'll start it off with the first 3 I can remember right now:

"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man." Jebadiah Springfield
(and, yes, 'embiggens' is a perfectly cromulent word!)

"I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there, Please save me Superman!"
Homer J. Simpson

and, for the optimists....
"Trying is the first step towards failure." Homer J. Simpson


...now let's see how long THIS thread gets! 😀 lol

 

[CitY of MicA]

These 'quotes' are as I remember them. I think I need that episode-by-episode book on the Simpsons 🙄 . There's plenty more where these came from.


Homer having a sit-down conversation with God in which, if memory serves, God complains about the fact that church services are held on Sunday when NFL Football games are played
God: Does St. Louis still have a team?
Homer: No, they moved to Arizona.

Mr. Burns retelling his run-in with Maggie Simpson(?)
Mr. Burns: ...in an attempt to wallow in my own crapulence.

Mr. Burns pet phrase when he answers the phone
A Hoy-Hoy.

When Mr. Burns visits Lisa's class at school and has thus far only received 'puff' questions about his business...
Mr. Burns: Yes, little girl.
Lisa: Does your plant have any type of recycling program?
Mr. Burns: Re-cyc-ling?

After a Doctor steps into his patient waiting room to announce that the bearded old man only has a half-an-hour to live...
bearded old man: What'd he say?
old woman: He says I'm next.

When Lisa is looking out the window during band rehearsal and laughing at Nelson Munz's antics
band director: Lisa Simpson! Is there something funny about the word 'tromboner?'

 

[Alex Warfield]

::Marge is standing in the doorway to prevent Homer, Lisa, and Bart from leaving::
Bart-"Uh, Mom, it's kind of hard for us to leave when you're standing in the doorway...."
Homer-"Push her down, son.

"Where's my burrito?!? Where's my burrito?!? Where's my burri-DOH!!!!"
-Homer, who I can only assume, is waiting for his burrito...

Homer- "Homer's what growm-ups call me. Call me Daddy."
Bart-"Homer!"
Homer-"Daddy!"
Bart-"Homer!"
Homer-"DADDY!"
Bart-"Da....Da....Da...."
Homer-"Yeeeees?"
Bart-"....Domer! Ha ha ha!"
Homer-"Why you little!!!

Marge-"Did you kiss her?"
Homer-"No, no, no!"
Marge-"Did she kiss you?"
Homer-"A couple of times..."

"This whole thing is as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there.....Wait a minute! There's a lemon behind that rock!"
-Bart, in Shelbyville looking for the stolen lemon tree.

Lenny-"Did you hear somethin'?"
Karl-"No."
Lenny-"Did I?"
Karl-"I don't know"

"Okay pie, I'm just gonna start doing this...(Makes chomping motions at the pie)...And if you get eaten, it's your own fault!"
-Homer, to a pie.

 

[Prime]

i dont know if it counts as a quotation but i always remember Mr. Burns doing a song and singing "see my loafers ....there made from gophers..." "see my vest ..see my vest...seeee my vest" 😀

 

[venray]

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."


"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"


"I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?"
"Eat my shorts."
"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no
way you can prove anything!"
" Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!"
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."

"Don't have a cow, man."
"Cool, I broke his brain!"

 

[Oblesklk]

Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law: "Uh oh, it looks like we've drawn judge Snyder"
Marge: "Is that bad?"
Hutz: "Well, let's put it this way...he's kinda had it out for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog"
Marge: "Oh my God!"
Hutz: "Well, actually, replace the word 'accidently' with 'repeatedly'. And replace the word 'dog' with 'son'"



Comedy gold.

 

[Frink]

:: Homer in bed with Marge ::
"Awww, c'mon Marge. We're a team. It's 'uterUS' NOT 'uter-U' "
Homer J. Simpson

:: After Homer changes his name to Max Power ::
Marge: "I don't wanna 'snuggle' with Max Power."
Homer: "Nobody 'snuggles' with Max Power... You strap yourself in and FEEL THE G's!"

Trent Steel: "Let's get some lunch. You like Thai?"
Homer: "I like tie. You like shirt?"

:: Mr. Burns and a mob, while hunting "King Kong Homer" ::
"We don't want to KILL him! Shoot him in the groin and belly."

:: Sideshow Bob takes the stand in his election fraud trial ::
Lisa: "I want the TRUTH!"
Sideshow Bob: "You want the TRUTH? You can't HANDLE the truth! YOU no-truth-handler, YOU! Baaah! I DERIDE your truth-handling ability!"

A Bart Simpson t-shirt: "Life begins at conception, man!"

and for eq...
:: Bart Simpson writes repeatedly on the blackboard during detention ::
"Sherri does not 'got back' "

Well put, Oblesklk....Pure comedy gold.
😎

 

[TicklingDuo]

Not sure of the plot of the episode, but it's when Homer tries to pass himself off as someone else at some point:

Homer: "I'm the piano playing genius from the movie "Shine"

"and your name?"

Homer: "Shiney McShine".


Drew

 

[Flatfoot]

Roughly quoted:

Homer: Hey, Marge? Where do we keep those little, round, metal, scooping thingies?
Marge: You mean a spoon?

Ralph(being told by the first grade teacher to put his head down and go to sleep): Ah, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

 

[CurtWild]

mr.burns:never forget homer,there is no muscle stronger than the human heart.
homer:what about the wiener?a guy on t.v. lifted a can of paint with his.

 

[guitman69]

Here's a few to start. I have a lot more though!!!

Homer, Marge and Lisa are driving along and hit a fake deer at the Springfield tar pits:

Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: A deer!

Marge: A FEMALE deer!



Ralph walking home after winning the science fair with a bunch of Star Wars action figures, trips on the sidewalk:

"I bent my wookie!"


Grounds Keeper Willie: Lunch Lady Doris, have you got any grease?
Lunch Lady Doris: Why yes, yes we do.
Grounds Keeper Willie: (ripping off shirt) Then grease me up woman!!!
(pause)
Lunch Lady Doris: Oaky-doaky.



Homer singing along to the Flintstones theme as she drives home from work:
"Simpson,
Homer Simpson
He's the greatest man in hist-or-y.
From the
Town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chest nut tree.
AHHHHH!"
(Crash)


Homer, after Lisa tells him that Mr. Burns has captured Bart and he may be a vampire:

"Oh Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now lets go back to that...building thingy...where our beds and TV...is."


Creepy shop owner: Take this object, but beware. It carries a TERRRIBLE curse.

Homer: Oooh, that's bad.

Owner: But it comes with free Fro-gert!

Homer: That's good!

Owner: The Fro-gert is also cursed.

Homer: That's bad.

Owner: But you get your choice of toppings!

Homer: That's good!

Owner: The toppings contain potasium benzoate.

(pause)

Owner: That's bad.

Homer: Can I go now?



Homer, after he finds out that his new friend is gay (and not to happy about it): You know me Marge, I like my beer cold, my TV lound, and my homosexuals flaaaaaming!

 

[Zebra]

Homer to Mr. Burns...
"Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst!"

And then:


Ghost Homer: Marge, you gotta help me! I have to do one good deed to get into Heaven.
Marge: Well, I’ve got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house, grab the ...
Ghost Homer: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I’m just trying to get in! I’m not running for Jesus!

And my favorite "Mmm's"...

Mmmm...free goo.
Mmmm...soylent green.
Mmmm...something.

Those are laughs!

 

[CDFGA]

How about:....

"Doh"

 

[Dave2112]

"Beer...the cause of, and solution to, all of life's little problems" - Homer

"I will not hang donuts on my person" - Bart's blackboard punishment

"eeeeggggssselllent..." - Montgomery Burns (a line that I can emulate with exact tone and timbre...which scares the crap out of my family)

"Come on out....we have you partially surrounded" - Chief Wiggum

"No beer and no TV make Homer crazy!!!!" - Homer (The Shining parody)

"I have niether been there, nor done that" - another Bart blackboard punishment

"Save Me Jeebus!!!" - Homer in a crashing plane

"I will not scare the Vice-President" - Yet another blackboard line

"Quick, squeeky...chew through my ball-sack" - Principal Skinner trying to coax a hamster into helping him escape from a burlap sack meant for dodgeballs.

Moe Sizlac to a waiter on his date - "Yeah, bring me your best food there, uh...stuffed with the second best" Waiter - "Very well sir...lobster stuffed with tacos"

 

[guitman69]

All Apu

Apu's got to be my favorite character.

"Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinky!"

While on top of the "Quikie Mart" with a riffle: "Thank you for coming! I'll see you in Hell!"

"Mr. Simpson, please pay for you purchases and get out, and come again!"

After Bart pulls out a bag of ice with Bobo's head (Mr. Burns' lost teddy bear) in it: "Oooh, a head bag! Those are chock full of...heady goodness."

After leaving the changing room at his brother's pool party, with a woman, with his clothes on backwards: "Don't worry! I'll tell everyone you were untouchable!"

Apu knocks on the Simpson's door while they are having an open house:

Apu: Hello, I am not interested in buying your house. But I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items, and handle your food products in an unsanatary manner. Ha!!! Now you know how it feels.

Homer: Thank you, come again!

 

[General Zod]

Homer "I'm smarter than the devil I'm smarter than the devil!"


Homer "I'd like a copy of Spiderman #1"
Comic book shop guy "I'd like an hour on the holo deck with seven of nine"

 

[TicklingDuo]

Homer, on hearing home-security options:

"Ooh, let's go with the second one, the sufforcating thing".



Kent Brockman, when Springfield is overun by bears:

"They're smarter than the average bear"



Drew

 

[Frink]

:: Homer waits at a poker table with Fat Tony the mobster ::
Homer: (sings happily to tune of Lion King) Aweem-away aweem-away... awee-maway aweem-away ... aweem-away aweem-away ... aweem-away aweem--
Fat Tony: (stoically) Don't do that.

:: Apu thinking he'll be deported back to India ::
Apu: "There's so many things I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me."

"BART! I'm gonna spank you back to the STONE AGE!"
Homer Simpson

Lisa: "Oh Dad, (sobbing) you don't understand."
Homer: "Lisa, just because I don't CARE doesn't mean I don't understand."

Smithers Computer Logon Message: "Hello...Smithers ...... You're..quite...good..at...turning..me...on"

 

[DarkSoul]

mmmm honey rosted penuts

(throws in air and drops it looks under couch)

ewwww slimy
owwww pointy
ahhhh moving

awwww $20 I wanted a peanut

(brain talking)

money can bring many peanuts

homer:explain how

brain:money can be exchanged for goods and services

whoo going to some peanuts

(trips over peanut and $20 flys out window)

homer drunk:maybe it the beer talking marge but you
got a but that won't quit they got this big
chewy prehsfkhdlfhlfhyrrhbeer 5 DOLLERS get out of her

im looking for a jockstrap
is seemorebutts there
why can't I find amantohugandkiss
im a bigmoronwithauglyfaceandabigbutandIliketokissmyonbut

thats all I remeber

 

[CitY of MicA]

for evil queen...

After Principal Skinner has lost his job and tells Bart that now he is 'just a man,' Ned Flanders takes over at the school. Total Anarchy breaks out in the classroom, and Ralph Wiggum can be seen in a small cage attached to the classroom ceiling.
Ralph: Excuse me. My water dish is empty.

After Lisa gives Ralph a Valentine on V-day because she feels sorry for him, he walks her home. The scene cuts to them arriving at the Simpson residence.
Ralph: ...and the Doctor said that I wouldn't get so many nose bleeds if I didn't stick my finger up my nose all the time.
Lisa: Heh, heh. Well... here's my house. (runs inside)

for guitman 69
At the civil war re-enactment gathering, which takes place in Moe's Tavern
Moe: Where's our General Ambrose Burnside?
Apu: The South shall 'come again.'

 

[mpath]

I found a few 🙂

1)
Homer: "[singing] Stealing, stealing, stealing a car for Moe... da-da da-da da-da da-da insurance fraud today!"

2)
Moe: Geez, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday! Never had you figured for a gearhead Homer.
Homer: Oh yeah, I'm a real expert.
Moe: What is that, a six barrel holleykauf?
Homer: You betcha!
Moe: Pedal block intakes?
Homer: Nothing but.
Moe: Miya half lifters?
Homer: Ah yeah.
Moe: I made that last one up
Homer: I see.

3)
Homer: "SCIENCE?? What's SCIENCE ever done for us??? TV off."

4)
Homer: "It's a handgun! Isn't it great?! This is the trigger and this is the bit you point at whatever you want to die"

5)
Homer: "I love these REAL saturdays, unlike that FAKE Saturday that almost got me fired!" 😡

6)
Ralph Wiggum: "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me."

 

[TicklingDuo]

The Duff book of world records:

Bart:"Why would Duff make a book?"

Lisa:"It was made to settle arguements in taverns".

Homer:"Taverns, she said taverns, Marge, I'm going to Moe's!"

Marge:"We never agreed on that!"



Drew

 

[Knightshade]

Simpsons Quotes

*Bart looking for his dog*

Willy: "Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church."

Bart: "Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church."

Willy: "Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya heard me!"

 

[Frink]

Grampa Simpson:
"The year was nineteen dickity-six. we had to use the word dickity,
because the Germans took our word for two. "

Homer J. Simpson:
"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel!"

Homer J. Simpson:
"Daddy isn't allowed in the big people library anymore, there was some...unpleasantness...I can never go back."

Marge: "Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again."
Homer: "That's not the way SHE tells it."

Homer J. Simpson:
"I gotta go. The damn weiner kids are listening"

Homer J. Simpson:
"You don't understand, Marge. I'm the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line and I'm not out of order, you're out of order! The whole freakin' system's out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!"

Leonard Nimoy:
"Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. They're all lies, but they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer... is no."

 

[Longbaugh]

After Barts suped-up model rocket goes of corse heading for the church. Homer tries to shoot it down, but blasts out all the church windows instead. Then the burning rocket crashes into the church and sets it on fire.

As they watch the church burn...

Marge: "Homer this is the worst thing you ever done!"

Homer: "You say that so much it's lost all meaning."