Feeling like I'm missing out...

[goddess_nemesis]

Right now, that's how I'm feeling. I've never been embarrassed or anything about being a virgin or saying that I'm a virgin. When I was 13, I came to the decision to abstain from sex until marriage. I had thought about it and knew it was the right thing for me to do. I've done things sexually, but never had actual sexual intercourse.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm kind of at a cross roads. Am I missing out by not having sex?

Last weekend I had celebrated my 21st birthday with my friends, and my friend's aunt was there. I like her, she's always nice and just fun to hang with. After several drinks and shots, we're drunk and somehow got to talking about sex. And she's telling me that I should be living it up and asking how can I know if my future husband is good in bed if I don't have sex and sex is like 50% of a marriage.

I understood her, I knew where she was coming from, but I tried getting her to understand that's just not me. Her being drunk didn't help.

Somedays I don't even think my friends understand my decision. I'm confused and don't know what to do anymore. By staying a virgin, I feel like I'm missing out. By having sex, I'd feel like a hypocrite. It's hard keeping the promise I made to myself.

Sorry for dumping this on everyone. I'm just, I don't know, confused.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

you aren't alone. i abstained from sex until i was 19. it was all about finding the right person to do it with, and i'm happy to say i'm still with my official first.

you aren't really missing out, and you're doing yourself a BIG favor by staying abstinent. you're avoiding many life-changing risks, and staying true to yourself.

however, when you do decide to have sex for the first time, make sure it's with someone you know and trust, and think about it. if you do it as a spur of the moment thing, you may hate yourself after. maybe not. but never do it out of pressure.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

I greatly admire you for making that decision and sticking with it. As with anything worthwhile, its a struggle. Trust me, having been there done that, its not worth it until you do find the right person. It supposed to be and expression of love. When you feel that in your heart with someone you will know the time is right. At least the love of a very deep close friend. I have to agree with Cloud though, now days its not worth the risk of Aids or some other sexually transmitted disease or getting pregnant. I would imagine your confusion is coming from your hormones raging battle with your intellect. Follow your heart but do not beat up on yourself if you do decide to take that step.

 

[maniactickler]

Tickling and releasing gas are great alternatives.

 

[drew70]

I laud your commitment and your refusal to give into base instinct. It's what seperates mankind from the animal kingdom, at least for most of us.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I never really felt much pressure throughout high school (which is the most common time to feel that pressure), but now it's like am I missing out on something, did I make the right decision for myself, if I do have sex, am I hypocrite because I didn't wait until marriage.

I guess, to answer part of your question, denver_tickler, I'd make sure that my future husband had the same beliefs as I do about sex. Though I am curious if there are anyone who has waited until marriage and how it's worked out for them.

 

[unclebill]

As I told you in your birthday thread recently, you are wise beyond your years. For being only 21, you seem to have your act together. I don`t know what your current dating situation is, and if you have a steady boyfriend hopefully he isn`t pressuring you but I liked the advice Sultry gave......Simply follow your heart, and whatever you decide don`t torture yourself wondering if you made the right decision. Good luck.

 

[Michael514]

Right now, that's how I'm feeling. I've never been embarrassed or anything about being a virgin or saying that I'm a virgin. When I was 13, I came to the decision to abstain from sex until marriage. I had thought about it and knew it was the right thing for me to do. I've done things sexually, but never had actual sexual intercourse.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm kind of at a cross roads. Am I missing out by not having sex?

Last weekend I had celebrated my 21st birthday with my friends, and my friend's aunt was there. I like her, she's always nice and just fun to hang with. After several drinks and shots, we're drunk and somehow got to talking about sex. And she's telling me that I should be living it up and asking how can I know if my future husband is good in bed if I don't have sex and sex is like 50% of a marriage.

I understood her, I knew where she was coming from, but I tried getting her to understand that's just not me. Her being drunk didn't help.

Somedays I don't even think my friends understand my decision. I'm confused and don't know what to do anymore. By staying a virgin, I feel like I'm missing out. By having sex, I'd feel like a hypocrite. It's hard keeping the promise I made to myself.

Sorry for dumping this on everyone. I'm just, I don't know, confused.

Don't feel alone. My wife and I met when we were both 16 ears old. We dated for almost 10 years and not once had intercourse. We did do other things sexually, but for some reason I couldn't "go all the way" as it is put. I was raised old fashioned as was she. The night we got married................well you know.

hen my buddies and I get together we talk about the "good old days" and I bring that up and they look at me in disbelief, because they knew how Iwas in high school and after graduation, I had a habit of "howling at the moon" but I never could give up my values when it came to my girlfriend.

I know how hard it is keeping those values and that promise you made to yourself. I went through the same as far as missing out and everyone else is doing it. But to be honest, after some 20 years now I look back and NEVER EVER REGRETED MY DECISION. I was proud and still am to have beaten the pressure and knowing that in my heart of hearts I did right.

I hope I was some help to you and just as a suggestion, hang onto those values.

Michael

 

[kis123]

If you start out a virgin, any sex is good sex, if you ask me!😀

I was the same way; I didn't want to bring shame to my family with teenage pregnancy and my religious views kept me out of sex during my teens. I was nearly 20 years old when I had my first experience and that was only because I ran out of excuses and I was sorta' put in an uncompromising position!

Stick to your guns girl and don't let anyone manipulate you into thinking otherwise. You'll be ready in time and with the RIGHT person and it'll be worth the wait trust me.

 

[Ronley]

I'm 23, still a virgin and have no intention of changing that any time soon. I fully intend to wait for marriage, but that's not to say it's right for everyone. It's also important to realize people change as time goes on. What may have been right for you in the past may change now, and changing your mind about something doesn't mean you're a hypocrite, only that you're open to changing yourself. But with many decisions, and I'd argue this is one of them, you need to be 100% sure before changing your whole lifestyle; don't let anyone else pressure you into a decision. Take plenty of time to think about it, and don't worry about what anyone else will think, it's your life after all.

I've definitely thought about this before, and I'd say keep an open mind. Approach the question as 'do I want to have sex', not 'will I be a hypocrite if I do'. I've tried both angles, the first is a lot easier to think objectively on. I decided to wait, and I can give you plenty of reasons from avoiding STDs to unwanted pregnancy(I'm a guy, but no way in hell I'd ever leave a kid I fathered behind) to wanting to only share that with my future wife(assuming I get married). But at the end of the day the reason that seems the truest and the only one that really matters is that I want to wait. I've found myself curious about a lot in life, and wondering if I miss out. I don't drink either, but I decided I like my life just fine without it. I can recognize my curiosity, but I've decided that my curiosity does not have my best interests at heart.

As for sexual compatibility, I realize I'm probably not qualified to speak, but I think that it will work out in the end. Someone who's willing to work with you to make everything work in the rest of life is probably just as happy to work with you in the bedroom(yes, I know that sounded wrong, but I can't think of a better way to put it).

I guess in short, do what you think is right for you, and don't worry about anyone else or appearing like a hypocrite. We grow through thought and change, if you want to change then go with it, if you don't then don't. But it's not really a decision you can take back, so be 100% sure. Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.

 

[aurora5150]

i think it's great that you've made a choice and have stuck to your guns about it. for some reason it has become a bad thing to save yourself for someone you truely love or till marriage. and if your decision still feels right then you're not missing out on anything. if you want to explore your sexuality further and it is of your choosing then rock on. but don't let anyone male or female tell you to discard who you are and sleep around just to appease them. like kis123 said, stick to your guns. you'll figure out what's right in your own time.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the advice. It's really helped.

 

[Leo tickles]

I'm 19 in Jan and I still haven't had sex and don't plan to until I'm married.

Go to the preview clips section and get a file merger, merge like 50 different previews, jack off, you'll feel better.

 

[Strider]

To answer the initial question; yes, you're missing out by not having sex. By the same token, if you allowed yourself to indulge, you'd feel like a hypocrite for reneging on a promise you made to yourself which is obviously very important to you, and you would be. We're all hypocritical at some point or another; me, you, everyone here. Everyone has times where we say we're going to act a certain way and then fail to live up to it, because we decide that the desire to do whatever it was we said we weren't going to do is stronger than the desire to live up to the ideal we set for ourselves. It's basically up to you to decide for yourself what you can live with and what you can't. You can decide that you'd rather keep to your original principles and miss out on experiences that you might otherwise have had, or you can decide that the desire to have these experiences outweighs reneging to a principle that's important enough to you that you've held it since you were 13. Either choice is equally valid. It's not an issue of one option being better or worse than the other, it's an issue of trading one set of complications and regrets for another one, weighed against the relative satisfaction either set would bring you.

 

[steph]

I both agree and disagree. (WTF?) I'll explain.
Only YOU can decide when it feels right for you--F' the friends (sorry!) You get one shot at this and you can't EVER re-do it. I waited until I was second semester freshman in college. Ever the stereotypical Italian, I was a MAJOR affectionate flirt, most of my life. The assumption of my non-friends in high school was that I was a slut. Truth couldn't be farther away. Why I waited: every single one of my friends had given away their V-Card (ugh) under ugly circumstances. One of the them got pregnant, one got VD, it was in the back seat of a WV bug, the guy never called again, blah, blah, blah. I knew I didn't want that for myself. That I felt that I was special enough to deserve a good experience.
Charlie had his own place. He was an "older" guy, 25. He was a supervisor at my hardware store who probably had an unhealthy obsession with taking my virginity. I brought the birth control. I knew the earth would not move for me that night. (It didn't) But, I knew him long enough to know that he genuinely respected and liked me and that he'd call me the next morning to make sure I was ok. (He did.)

I never regretted my decision. I think having a "nice" first time was really key in shaping the rest of my sexual life, that having done the deed with a cool guy alllowed me to let down my guard, that not every guy out there wanted to hurt me.
XOXO

By staying a virgin, I feel like I'm missing out. By having sex, I'd feel like a hypocrite. It's hard keeping the promise I made to myself.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

I appreciate all the advice and the experiences some of you have shared. It's really helped me figure things out.

 

[huskys]

Hi Nemesis.
I don't like to give advice to people on their personal decisions.
But I would like to applaud you on yours. Not because I agree or disagree with it, but because I know its not an easy one to make.
Everyone in this world has difficult decisions to make. My oppinion is that those who stick to what they believe in, and stand by it, are always the 'winners' in the end.
The most important type of respect in this world is 'self respect'. Keep that and you'll do fine.
Take care and stay strong!!!

 

[Redmage]

I'd suggest that you break this down to brass tacks.

What was your reason for the decision you made when you were 13? What benefit did you believe that would give you? What were you trying to accomplish? You don't need to answer that here; it's enough to think about this for yourself.

Whatever your reasons, is it still worth what it's costing you? If so then stick with that goal

If it's a worthwhile goal still, then is remaining celibate still the best way to accomplish it? Is there another way to get what you want there? If so then perhaps you can have your cake and still eat it. If not then you're on the right track.

I don't have any answers, but I think these are the questions you need to look at in order to make this decision. Don't hold yourself to a decision you made as a child unless you still believe it's the best thing for you and your future husband.

 

[brianspencer66]

Id say as your still a young lady for now stick to your guns. Dont let people sway you to be somthing your simply not. On the other side of the coin is that you dont want to be a 30 year old virgin still waiting for the right man to come along and sweep you off your feet. Sex does require some aquired skills and you dont want to be well into your 30s learning these things because you simply wont enjoy yourself if your self concious. The right emotions mixed with common sense are the keys I believe and well you dont always have to wait to get married to find out one is right. I think some people make that mistake and find out on their wedding night that they are not at all right for each other in bed.

 

[Frowg]

2 schools

There are 2 schools of thought on this. One argues that if you never have sex until you are married, then what happens if the sex you have with your new spouse is horrible? But the other argues that if you never have sex until you are married, then you will not know what you are missing. The latter of these arguments works best if both husband and wife have saved themselves for marriage, and it gets harder and harder to find a man who has done that. In my humble opinion, it is better to explore and figure out what you like and don't like. Sex is very important in a marriage, not to be taken lightly. You need to try it with the person you are thinking about marrying first. As for lots of casual sex with people that mean nothing, I'm not into that. But if you love someone, it's a great thing to share with each other.

 

[chickles_:)]

I appreciate all the advice and the experiences some of you have shared. It's really helped me figure things out.

Hiya T-Nemesis!
You have asked a question many of us probably have wrestled with lots. For me I made the same decision. So rest assured, as your thread has already revealed, you are NOT alone.

I think what Steph said is as usual really wise. it's important that a first experience be a good one -and that is not necessarily with someone who knows what they're doing. In fact just a few weeks ago this topic came up in our church women's group. (sex before marriage) some of us weren't married, some were and some were "between marriage" (divorced, widowed etc.) anyway, one thing we all agreed, it was a whole lot better having even awkward sex with a guy who cared about us and we about him than "experienced sex" with a guy who wasn't serious about us as a person. (we kept it pretty confidential but I can share that not everyone has had only one partner)

I'd say for sure wait until you are totally sure about him. But even then don't feel you have to do it just to see if it will be good in the future. Sex is first and most of all about your connection with the guy. And so it likely won't be an earthmoving experience the first time. At its best sex is something we come to with a desire to learn about the other person and ourselves and to share the joy of our togetherness.

The discovery and exploration of that joy should take a lifetime. It only hurts us if we experience it as good only if it features the most exotic of techniques etc.

Anyway, I think it's great if you stick to your choice of abstenance - even though we all make commitments at 13 which the years reveal may not be the only way to live. But whatever you choose, please don't let someone force you into feeling like you have to do it. Let your choice be totally real for you. I truly hope whichever way you go with this that the guy (?) you choose to share your virginity with is someone prepared to take the time to grow with you in the joy of sexual experience.

Many blessings,
Chickles

 

[MrPartickler]

I'm pretty pragmatic about these things nowadays...

There are very few things in life we're good at or have a good understanding of the very first time we try them. Sex is just another one of those things. It's possible to have an awesome first experience and/or one that ultimately blossoms into a lifetime commitment, but it's highly unlikely.

Another thing that is unlikely is that a choice you made at age 13 is one that could/would/should persist well into adulthood. It's not that it's a bad choice, it's just that 13 years old is pretty young by anyone's standards. There's usually not a lot of commonality between what one's philosophy on life is at that age compared to that of an adult.

I'll echo what's been written by others by saying you should jut be clear on what your reasons are for keeping your commitment. Make sure you're not just doing it for it's own sake. Alternatively, be sure you won't break it just to "fit in." However, if you really feel like you're missing out, know that there's nothing wrong with giving it a try either--while being safe of course. Everyone's experiences are different.

Personally, I'd have to say I waited longer than I probably should have. I had an early "personal pledge" too that started out being religion-based. Then it became more about just having a personal code I wanted to live by. But, in retrospect, I think that code eventually became a crutch to rationalize my not being very successful with women at that age.

So again, you may just have to keep looking inward and figuring out what you really want and what's important to you. But it's your life, so either way, it's OK.

 

[Zero-Sum]

well to be honest you are doing a good thing by waiting, It's really hard to find someon with decency anymore, stick to your guns and wait for that right moment

 

[paracarl44]

No Need to Rush Things.

Just because you have just turned 21 and are allowed to drink alcohol legally does not mean that you must engage in sex. When the "Right Man" comes along and you start thinking of a "Lifetime Commitment" then is the time to rethink your values.

 

[aurora5150]

i think steph and chickles have the right idea. my thinking on this topic was "what if i never get married?" then am i gonna be a virgin for life? hell no. i waited until i found a guy that cared about me and wanted me to enjoy my first time. that was what made my first time so great. like steph he didn't rock my world but i don't regret it either. i know a lot of women with horror stories of how they lost their virginity. and most all of them had sex so their bf wouldn't leave them.

here's the thing, this is a very personal decision. we can share our experiences with you but ultimately this is something you have to decide for yourself. base your choice on what feels right for YOU. because you're the one that has to live with the consequences.