how do you learn to accept self for your fetish?

[banddmagic1]

So, do you ever feel that even though there is this great online community of people with your exact fetish, that in some ways you feel isolated or alien? I for one have told some partners that I like tickling, that it arouses me, but I don't think anyone has known the depth or how much I think about it...it's certainly not mentioned at all among friends, family, anyone else.

I have a pretty easy time accepting that I like what I like. Everyone likes something different. The illusion that most people are as vanilla as they seem I think is just that, an illusion. They all have something that they like that they might be embarrassed to share, and what we like is not all that weird in the grand scheme...

I think what I sometimes struggle with is I can say "if someone would judge me for this, it's their problem". However, knowing that it's something worth judging by society, especially the American culture that hates talking about sex makes me feel like there is something there worth hiding. The easy way to avoid judgement is to just not talk about it leading me back to being "closeted"

What makes it worse is that all the research, viewing, chatting about tickling has been super secretive for all of my life, so it feels like this big secret that I'm harboring even thought it's a big part of who I am.

Does this make sense to anyone? Have you felt this way and been able to accept yourself from the inside out, so to speak, where no one told you it was ok, you just learned to know it was. Any advice on how to do that?

 

[chicago]

I never felt like I was "alone" in enjoying tickling on the level I do. Reason being is that I was aware that there were some seriously fucked up people in the world and enjoying tickling was really nothing to be ashamed of.

It was awkward bringing it up to significant others, but I developed a set of rules and words over time in order to help with that. One is I'm open about it with any dude I'm interested in. Whether it's just a friends with benefits thing or I see potential for a relationship. I'd rather find out sooner than later if we're not going to be compatible in that area, versus developing feelings for someone and building up all this pressure and suspense around the subject just to find out they think it's weird.

I avoid the word "fetish." While most people involved in the kink community or BDSM or even those who are pretty understanding / open minded / not a complete idiot understand the word and what it means, most vanilla people equate it with mental illness. So, I've always used words like "it's fun" or "it turns me on," etc.

At the end of the day, I find that shame and repression of one's fetish / sexuality (provided it's not seriously fucked up like kiddy diddlers or something) tends to make a person feel more isolated, alone, and obsessive and it becomes a cycle. The more they refrain from being open about it, the more they don't allow themselves to indulge. The less they indulge, the more they obsess. The more they obsess, the more they feel ashamed.

Ultimately, two people who are involved in any way romantically, should have enough respect and compassion towards each other to allow an open and honest conversation about likes / dislikes / sex / turn ons / and limits / boundaries without feeling ashamed. They should also have enough respect and compassion towards each other to express whether they are into certain things, or not, in a way that is polite and sensitive to the feelings of the other person. If someone can't respond to you telling them about your fetish with anything other than disgust and disdain - if that person is so emotionally retarded that they can't express themselves in a calm, kind way (even if tickling is a hard limit for them) then do you really want that person around you? Do you really think someone that would make you feel worse about something like that is someone that is worth your time, energy, and emotional investment?

It's about self-confidence and feeling secure in your own skin and head. Everyone gets rejected, but you can control how you respond / react to it.

And most people find confidence sexy, so bringing up something like this where it's obvious that you are nervous or embarrassed, will set the tone for more of a negative conversation. If you throw it out there, nonchalantly like you never thought it was a big deal, it's more than likely that it won't be a big deal.

 

[TTT for joy]

I can say only this. People who can't accept you for what you did not chose to be are intolerant idiots and deserve not to be spoken to. The fact that I am into tickling is something biological. People can't choose what arouses them and so there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
I wouldn't be as nonchalant as Chicago on the matter, but it's more because I am embarrassed to discuss anything sexual, be it tickling or pretty much any thing else, but I never felt insecure because of my fetish.

 

[gilmourwaters]

I don't think I ever had a issue with "accepting" to myself about my fetishes. Just never thought about it. Its a part of who I am like it or not. Probably was the reason I never hid it from anyone ever either. Life's too short not to have as much fun as possible!

 

[BBGuy5240]

It became much easier when I found this Place.

But I still have some difficulties really "accepting" that it's a part of me. I think I'll feel like that for the rest of my life.

But compared to what some people are really into nowadays, my fetishes (Tickling, Navels, & Feet), seem pretty harmless.

 

[SadCuzNotTcklsh]

I still don't understand how someone like me can have an interest in something they can never experience themselves.

 

[Myriads]

I still don't understand how someone like me can have an interest in something they can never experience themselves.

People that pull a Giantess paraphilia often ask the same thing. The psychological mechanism that creates arousal cues is not limited by impossibility of resolution.

Using the Giantess folks, they fell back on imagination and fantasy to satisfy their desires, and when Photoshop was invented at long last, there was great rejoicing. For now the Giantess folks could SEE Giant women trying to step on them, pick them up and so forth.

The idea that being tickled turns you on is the card you drew. That you are not ticklish is indeed unfortunate, but your psychology cares not. You get to enjoy your kink in the realm of the mind. Fantasy is your friend.

Myriads

 

[poopsy124]

It sounds like you've got a lot of insight into yourself and your concern already which is a big step to being able to totally accept who you are.


And Chicago is absolutely right. I obsessed for years which was completely unhealthy but I'm finally starting to lose the shame I felt for so long. It's funny but most if not all the anxiety caused by having a fetish is self imposed.

Most people don't give a shit about anything but themselves so you having a particular kink is not going to really affect them or cause them to run in terror. At the very most they'll find it a bit strange but you shouldn't have to worry about really offending anyone unless you do it in a blunt or obsessive way. As long as you don't harass people you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You just need to introduce the interest playfully and sometimes pretty early and then form friendships and relationships deep enough that discussions about sexual interests aren't a big deal.

And trust me, if someone really cares about you they will not judge you for this kink. like Chicago said it's actually very tame and even if they're not into it they usually find it "cute" rather than "creepy" as long as you don't harass.

It just seems like so many people want instant gratification which objectifies the other HUMAN BEING involved in the given sexual fantasy. This for the most part is not going to happen unless you want to pay someone.

 

[poopsy124]

And one more thing!

Also like Chicago wrote, there are a lot of negative connotations associated with the word fetish. For whatever reason there are a boat load of ignorant stereotypes that go hand in hand with having a kink that permeate "vanilla" culture.

And another thing I realized is having "the talk" hardly ends well when trying to communicate to someone that you've got a deep rooted sexual interest. If you feel nervous or ashamed and it's really hard to talk about it in that context then it will show and your uneasiness will also make the other person uncomfortable.

So my last bit of advice is to not treat it like it's such a big deal. Don't feel shame or discomfort and don't feel like you necessarily have to call it a fetish the first time you're discussing it with a partner who may be new to the idea. Just introduce it as something you really enjoy and don't feel the need to label yourself as being so different. That kind of stigma is what causes us to feel alien most of the time. And chances are your prospective partners will have plenty of kinks of their own. They just won't call them that.

 

[luvgirlsfeet]

I accepted it because there are many others out there like me. I just have to keep in control of it

 

[helplessandhappy]

People can't choose what arouses them

Nope. But for the record, if I could start over from scratch and choose again, I would still choose this!

I mean really, how much fucking fun is this fetish? How much more joyful and silly and awesome could a sex life get? 😀

Not to mention the fact that most people don't have this giant red button located on their body that someone can just push and instantly get you turned on. So many people have sexualities that are much more complex and difficult to manage. If you can tickle/get tickled by someone and be ready to go from that, you're blessed. It's free, it's easy, it's fun. We are lucky, if anything!

As far as how to accept yourself... That is a constant work in progress for everyone, and it goes far beyond your kinks. For me, the lack of the ability to accept myself and my fetishes earlier in life came down to low self-esteem and squeamishness about sexuality. I felt ugly and shitty, so I didn't think I deserved to be turned on or feel pleasure at all--let alone for this "weird" reason that I felt embarrassed about. The more I came to like myself, the more I came to think that maybe getting turned on wasn't such a bad thing. The more I could accept my own pleasure, the more I could accept the extreme, crazy arousal I feel when someone I'm into tickles me.

Now that I love myself, and especially now that I've met someone else who is equally into this, I realize that this thing I've always felt so ashamed of is probably one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me. Not only did it teach me how to experience pleasure, it taught me not to be afraid to be different and it brought me to an amazing human being whom I might not have met otherwise. That is nothing but a blessing. 🙂

Accept it, love yourself for it and be open to finding someone who wants to share it with you. Good luck!

 

[nenezinho]

Chicago said it all!!!! Its almost pointless to go on 🙂

Dont make it a big thing. Dont use the word fetish unless you already know someone that well so that you are sure they can understand it. And even then...sometimes its just not worth the trouble.
Make it like something you find funny, something you enjoy. And see who else goes with it. Some will, others will not. This much could be said about almost everything in life.

 

[duderino84]

So, do you ever feel that even though there is this great online community of people with your exact fetish, that in some ways you feel isolated or alien? I for one have told some partners that I like tickling, that it arouses me, but I don't think anyone has known the depth or how much I think about it...it's certainly not mentioned at all among friends, family, anyone else.

I have a pretty easy time accepting that I like what I like. Everyone likes something different. The illusion that most people are as vanilla as they seem I think is just that, an illusion. They all have something that they like that they might be embarrassed to share, and what we like is not all that weird in the grand scheme...

I think what I sometimes struggle with is I can say "if someone would judge me for this, it's their problem". However, knowing that it's something worth judging by society, especially the American culture that hates talking about sex makes me feel like there is something there worth hiding. The easy way to avoid judgement is to just not talk about it leading me back to being "closeted"

What makes it worse is that all the research, viewing, chatting about tickling has been super secretive for all of my life, so it feels like this big secret that I'm harboring even thought it's a big part of who I am.

Does this make sense to anyone? Have you felt this way and been able to accept yourself from the inside out, so to speak, where no one told you it was ok, you just learned to know it was. Any advice on how to do that?

I have. Most women I've been with have known me to focus more on the tickling them than the sex, even tho it's a sexual activity. I've been called names, been judged, and made to feel as tho tickling has no place in sexuality (most people are just into....well, "regular", good old penetration).

But I look at it this way. I pretty much have one gauge that tells me which women are up my alley, and which I should just not deal with; tickling. If she can deal, she has some tolerance and some level of dedication/loyalty/trust to me. If not, then there's something up. Because if a tickle on a very mild level is intolerable, well, it's intolerable for me to put my all in to not get anything out of it. It might be a shame that cuts my population of prospects down to a small amount of people, but at least I know I've seen what's in the sea.

So that's what keeps me going.

 

[tickletherapist]

I avoid the word "fetish." While most people involved in the kink community or BDSM or even those who are pretty understanding / open minded / not a complete idiot understand the word and what it means, most vanilla people equate it with mental illness. So, I've always used words like "it's fun" or "it turns me on," etc.

Wanted to write just the same. I don't call it and don't think of it as a fetish. The word is just compromised.

 

[YouNeverKnow175]

I just came across this article and feel like it's really relevant to your post. Although it's framed towards men, I think it's totally applicable universally. It's by someone who is clearly very much in the fetish community and has a lot of wisdom and insight into the very question you're bringing up.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-welcome-your-male-sex-creature-lal/

I've grappled a lot with the same question. I generally feel "fine" with it myself, but also am very secretive about it, don't really share it (except to a degree w/people i've been in relationships with), and do generally feel shame about the degree to which I feel that my sexuality drives my thoughts and feelings. Somehow I think a "good" person wouldn't be so obsessed with something as "frivolous" as tickling and feet.

But I'm beginning to think that if we can stay open to it and embrace it, it can be a door way to further unlock our passion and our humanity rather than make us feel like some isolated freaks. I absolutely LOVE tickling. I find it so beautiful. Same with feet. Isn't than an amazing thing? Isn't that perfectly good and okay, and nothing to be ashamed of?

I do find myself yearning to tell more people in my life about my interests. Like there's something false, or I'm hiding something, when a friend is talking about more vanilla sex and I pretend like I'm into what he's talking about and don't say anything about my own interests. If someone mentions what he likes, why should I be so scared to say, "Well, I don't really care much for porn...but I love tickling!"

It's a journey and a process, one that we can play with an explore with curiosity. It seems like you're totally on the right track 🙂

 

[SadCuzNotTcklsh]

The idea that being tickled turns you on is the card you drew. That you are not ticklish is indeed unfortunate, but your psychology cares not. You get to enjoy your kink in the realm of the mind. Fantasy is your friend.

Myriads

Yes but its confusing as to why it even turns me on, since I don't know what tickling does to one's body or what any of it feels like.

 

[Alwaysticklish]

It's a mystery why anyone is they way they are in that regard, science hasnt come close to figuring it out. Why are people gay, straight, bi...why are some people turned on by balloons popping....its just all a mystery, which is why I wish societies were allowed to be way open with this stuff because we're all feeling sexual about random things or body parts and nobody chose these things. Maybe something we're born with, maybe something that happens during age development stimulated by something our environments....could be either. I know that I had the tickle fascination around 5 or 6, and people have been tickling the crap out of me since that age...perhaps I grew to like it because it was happening to me so much anyway. We've all been down the "why" path...but its just as mysterious as our existence to begin with.

 

[Emishticklish]

I was guilty for a long while....and then the older I got, the more fed up I was with denying myself in Relationships. So, I started becoming very public about it.

 

[Myriads]

Yes but its confusing as to why it even turns me on, since I don't know what tickling does to one's body or what any of it feels like.

Paraphilia are almost always created by observation, with actual participation secondary. You were exposed to what it LOOKS like to be tickled, and your mind extrapolated that feeling onto yourself, and formed the core of a tickling paraphilia even though you are not yourself ticklish. Does it make sense? No. But the process that builds our sexuality is a faulty one, that does great at it's core function, but has lots of side effects like paraphilia formation.

You got a bad hand. Not the worst one, but a poor one. But you still have fantasy and imagination to work with. And those two tools are some of the strongest a person can depot into their sexuality.

Myriads

 

[BBGuy5240]

Yes but its confusing as to why it even turns me on, since I don't know what tickling does to one's body or what any of it feels like.

I agree with Myriads, it was likely from Observation. I mean a Fetish has to start from somewhere right?

Do you have any other Fetishes?

Because with me, one Fetish lead to another.

I started out with just a Navel Fetish.

Then once I found out that there are Videos out there that Cater to it (Clips4sale), I stumbled upon this site.

Now when I first joined, I was only interested in Tickling that was Dedicated to the Navel. I wasn't really interested in anything else.

But as I hung around, I began to also enjoy Tickling Videos that weren't just about the Navel.

And then, the More Tickling Videos I watched, the more I got into Feet.

And since Feet are pretty much the #1 when it comes to Tickling, I saw a lot of them lol.

 

[araknoid1]

I have similar feelings.

My rationality and my desires are always at war with each other. I don't want to like the things I like, I hate that I like them, I have no idea why I'm that way and it drives me crazy. I'm scared posting here because even revealing myself anonymously feels wrong, I don't want people to know me for that particular aspect. I at least take comfort in the fact that what I like doesn't hurt anyone. Dodged a bullet there.

It's been a problem in relationships, girlfriends have criticized me for it, and like you, I've never fully revealed exactly how much I like the stuff I like. I'm scared to, like saying it out loud will ruin me.

The only reason I accept myself for it- if you can even say that I do- is because I wouldn't have... that physical pleasure without it, and, damn it, I don't want to be celibate.

 

[chicago]

I have similar feelings.

My rationality and my desires are always at war with each other. I don't want to like the things I like, I hate that I like them, I have no idea why I'm that way and it drives me crazy. I'm scared posting here because even revealing myself anonymously feels wrong, I don't want people to know me for that particular aspect. I at least take comfort in the fact that what I like doesn't hurt anyone. Dodged a bullet there.

It's been a problem in relationships, girlfriends have criticized me for it, and like you, I've never fully revealed exactly how much I like the stuff I like. I'm scared to, like saying it out loud will ruin me.

The only reason I accept myself for it- if you can even say that I do- is because I wouldn't have... that physical pleasure without it, and, damn it, I don't want to be celibate.

Sounds like a rough way to live if you ask me.

 

[araknoid1]

Sounds like a rough way to live if you ask me.

Haha, well it is, I'd never advise someone to emulate me.

 

[Dre]

I accepted it when I told my friend about it and she said its ok, and that everyone have their own fetish and some that are weirder than having a foot and tickle fetish.

 

[Jhitman112]

Well said!!!