How to Lose a Guy for Good?

[Saeria]

I finally grew the nads to pop the un-question about a week and a half ago. I'm done. Without going too deeply into the reasons why I'm divorcing, I'd like to ask people who may have a better clue than i do how to go about reinforcing my decision. I married a co-dependant, controller type and he just doesn't seem to get the message. I've been handling this with alot of taste, i think, no yelling, no accusations nothing of that sort but it seems if i show even just the tiniest hint of sympathy for his feelings he instantly reverts back into the "we're a happily married couple mode". I generally just steer clear of him, when he's home i'm not. We sleep in separate rooms, i've stopped doing his laundry and serving him meals. I still say goodnight, and tell him goodmorning and ask how he feels. Now how does all this translate into me acting like a "cold bitch"? I can handle name calling but I'm trying really hard not to seem cold without seeming like i'm giving in again. I don't really know how to do that. I guess it would have been alot easier if i just ran away again, but i'm tired of losing everything everytime he goes crazy on me. In the end, this is my home.
It hurts still to see him hurt but at the same time i feel a rise of nausea just being in his presence these days. I'm too damn angry. I suppose you could say i still love the man but i honestly can't stand him. He spends his days at home (because he lost his job too) moping and crying and i know it's an act. He's still his jovial, sarcastic self when he doesn't think i'm around. I just want him to go somewhere else. How do i convey this message without being cold?

 

[Cokecan]

The basic answer? You cannot. You can't split from someone without hurting them or seeming cold. And maybe it is - it is about self-interest, pure and simple. Which is completely acceptable, as you are doing this for YOUR happiness, not his.

Controlling types like to try to manipulate their partners into feeling guilty about things like this. ESPECIALLY this. Don't give in to him. But there is no way you can ask him to leave without seeming cold or hurting him.

Hell, if you ask him to leave, that beats a few solutions I've seen. Putting his stuff on the curb the night before garbage day for example, comes to mind.

 

[kis123]

I'm in total agreement with Cokecan; you can't have it both ways. Have you asked for the divorce? If so, act like you're divorcing and give him nothing to fall back on!

When I left my husband, I walked away with two children in tow from a five-bedroom home in the suburbs to live on my sister's 2nd floor. That's how desparate I was to get away from him! Everyone was in my business and thought I was wrong to leave but it was either go or else I'd go insane.

That was eight years ago and he still is delusional where we're concerned. He still does the "I love you" crap, then turns to my daughter and talks about me like a dog. I could care less at this point, I'm too happy living without him in my life! One day you'll be able to say the same, but right now being a "cold b**ch" is appropriate. If you give that man an inch, he'll hang onto it for dear life-that's what manipulators do.

If you really want to divorce him, stick to your guns and prepare to move if he won't. Put your things in storage if you have to because you might have to leave in order to send the message. As long as you both are under the same roof, he won't accept the divorce plans and he'll settle for existance as opposed to being alone.

I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries here, but I've been where you're going and hope you land a lot softer than I did. PM me anytime you need encouragement.

 

[TklBeauty]

He's had his time. What HE thinks isnt important anymore. What is important is what you can face every day after opening your eyes. Cokecan has hit the nail on the head. I went through what you are going through as well. Eight years of it. There is no way out except to bite the bullet and make it happen. Set your priorities.

 

[WheresThe Clip?]

I'd like to ask people who may have a better clue than i do how to go about reinforcing my decision.

Simple, either you move out or he does.

Simple, you want to say good morning, then do it through a solicitor.

 

[Saeria]

I've made my intentions clear to him, point blank said the words "I'm getting a divorce" .. better i thought than asking for one. You're all right though, i may have to leave even if i really don't want to this time. It'll suck. I've already left once before with nothing but a few changes of clothes and 3 dollars in my pocket. It was a miserable experience i don't want to repeat. He does play the guilt card quite well, too. Sometimes it's hard not to fall for it but something's different this time. I feel stronger than ever right now for some odd reason.

 

[Ticklemeslow]

I don't know what state you live in, but I'd get advice from a lawyer. Most of them will do a free consult regarding divorce. Then if you are able to, file for divorce, like I said I don't know where you live, but in NJ, you have to be separated for 18 months (living at different addresses) before you can file for a "no fault" divorce. I've just hit my 18 month time limit last month, and we are moving forward with our proceedings, but ours is mutual and we both have moved on with other people. Every situation is different. Good Luck.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Hell, if you ask him to leave, that beats a few solutions I've seen. Putting his stuff on the curb the night before garbage day for example, comes to mind.

Or, just throwing it out the window.

Your new life awaits you, Saeria. It beckons to you. Embark upon it!

 

[OnnaOtaku]

This sounds like my exact situation with my ex-husband. We lived together during the separation but in different rooms, he was needy, I wanted a divorce and he would still try to buy my affection and still cuddle and kiss me, but I had my mind made up.

Unless you are unsure about getting a divorce, his actions about being needy should not affect you at all. But, you definitely need to move out because that is obviously not helping your situation. You know he isn't going to move out, so you are the one that has to initiate EVERYTHING. Have you even started to get the divorce paperwork taken care of? If not, you should. It will give him more of a reality of what is happening and will also lift a huge weight off your shoulders. But your story sounds very identical to mine and the only way to get through it is to act like he doesn't exist, start the paperwork and finish it up. I urge you to move out ASAP because if not, you're working in circles and it's all pointless.

It's almost like being 5 years old, telling your parents you're going to run away, pack your teddy bear and leave for an hour and come back. You get nowhere no matter how you feel.

If this is what you want, you have to be a cold bitch because otherwise you will be stuck with him and miserable. Sometimes being the cold bitch is what is necessary. And if you want away from him so badly, why does it matter what he thinks of you? Be a cold bitch, it worked for me.

The sooner you get it all taken care of and put behind you, the better. It was a huge thing I wanted to no end and I got my ass into gear and got a divorce only within 3-4 months (which isn't too long in the divorce area) and now I am extremely happily re-married and don't regret anything at all.

 

[locker669]

As long as you did everything you could to work things out then you have no reason to feel bad.

 

[Mastertank1]

What he says....

probably has little to do with his true feelings.
I would bet that he only calls you cold because he knows it bothers you.
He also knows better.
It's a blatant attempt to manipulate your emotions for his own benefit.
Disregard what he says and just do what's good for you.
If you were really the cold bitch he calls you, it wouldn't bother you at all.
Let him know that his attempts at manipulation are obvious and pathetic, and that if he keeps calling you a cold bitch, it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
By all means, get a lawyer to talk to.
Mitch

 

[Bride of Dracula]

When all else fails....

A very good friend of mine who was in a situation very similar to yours followed this plan. She got it from her sister who was also in a bad situation, had had enough and was finally ready to take action so she could start her new life.
It is direct, vicious and leaves no room for pleading or declarations of
"But, I still love you."

You will need some prep-time, about two weeks, a well organized, written plan of attack and at least 2 well trusted family members and/or friends to pull this off.


What you will need.

A good nasty, divorce lawyer.
Get a real scumbag who is in it completely for the money. They tend to know all the nastiest tricks and have no compunction about fighting dirty in case things get ugly and you don't have the balls to go after his.

If the thorn-in-your-side will not cooperate in finding his own lawyer to start things, then you get the jump and file first. Nothing says "Go Away A-Hole!" like being served a summons for divorce.

Get a very large storage unit, paid in full for at least one year, under a friends name.

A locksmith

A "for sale" sign.

A large box of condoms.


The Prep Work

Withdraw all funds out of any and all bank accounts. Have the bank convert everything into bank checks and give them to your most trusted friend or family member to deposit into an account with thier name on it. You can be a secondary name on the account so you can get a debit card to have access to money.

Have your job re-route your pay checks via direct deposit to new accounts.

Cut off all credit cards, yours and his. You can also alert all the credit card companies not to let him apply for new joint ones with both your names. Tell them you are now legally separated and will not be responsible for or pay any accounts that have his name attached to them.

Take out an ad in a local paper announcing your separation both marital and financial. Renounce yourself responsible for any and all debit incurred by your near-ex forthwith.

Check your credit reports at least every week for the next few years. Be aware of any new open accounts that you didn't apply for.

Get a pre-paid cell phone. Give the number out only to those closest and most trusted and don't let your soon-to-be ex find it.


The Plan

Get your unwanted room mate out of the house. If he is a sports fan, get him tickets to a local game featuring his favorite team. Get two tickets so he can take a friend. If one of his friends is sympathetic to your plight and on your side have him call your ex and invite him out with the boys to go to a stip bar...etc... Just do anything that will get him out of the house for at least 8 hours.

Now, for the fun part.

Hire a moving company that comes in and packs up everything up for you.
If something is legitimately his or you don't want it any longer like his favorite tv chair or high school football trophy, then don't touch them, but do leave a mattress in the middle of either your old bedroom where your marital bed used to be, or the living room.
Take everything else.

Have the movers deposit everything in storage unit under friends name.

Call in the locksmith.
Change all locks and also call in a home security company to wire up the house. Make sure the password is something your ex will never think of in a million years. If he tries to break in while you are not there, the police will come by and invite him over to the station house for tea.

Place "For Sale" sign on front lawn.

Use new cell phone to co-ordinate your plan with your accomplises.

Next....have him served divorce summons wherever it was you sent him. That way it will be public with plenty of witnesses.

When he gets home to his now empty former residence leave the front door open.

What he should find is you, naked with at least two other naked men in the act of coitus. For dramatic effect, strew many open condoms wrappers on the floor leading to the mattress you left in the middle of the room.

Have the newspaper next to the bed opened up to both the real estate and the help wanted sections. Both should have several selections clearly circled in red marker.

When your ex finally is able to say something without spurts of foam flying from his lips just smile point to the newspaper and tell him you found several job opportunities he should check out right away and a new place to live.
Tell him you packed up all his trophies and collectibles. His tv chair is on the lawn next to the "for sale" sign.

And last, but never least....you parting words.


"Oh, and be a dear, please don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."


I know this is extreme, but it is also VERY effective.
Hey, it worked for my friend.

From what you describe you are never going to get rid of this guy thru the usual diplomatic channels.

 

[SlaverTickler]

Have sex with another guy and put the video on line. That should do it.

 

[OnnaOtaku]

A very good friend of mine who was in a situation very similar to yours followed this plan. She got it from her sister who was also in a bad situation, had had enough and was finally ready to take action so she could start her new life.
It is direct, vicious and leaves no room for pleading or declarations of
"But, I still love you."

You will need some prep-time, about two weeks, a well organized, written plan of attack and at least 2 well trusted family members and/or friends to pull this off.


What you will need.

A good nasty, divorce lawyer.
Get a real scumbag who is in it completely for the money. They tend to know all the nastiest tricks and have no compunction about fighting dirty in case things get ugly and you don't have the balls to go after his.

If the thorn-in-your-side will not cooperate in finding his own lawyer to start things, then you get the jump and file first. Nothing says "Go Away A-Hole!" like being served a summons for divorce.

Get a very large storage unit, paid in full for at least one year, under a friends name.

A locksmith

A "for sale" sign.

A large box of condoms.


The Prep Work

Withdraw all funds out of any and all bank accounts. Have the bank convert everything into bank checks and give them to your most trusted friend or family member to deposit into an account with thier name on it. You can be a secondary name on the account so you can get a debit card to have access to money.

Have your job re-route your pay checks via direct deposit to new accounts.

Cut off all credit cards, yours and his. You can also alert all the credit card companies not to let him apply for new joint ones with both your names. Tell them you are now legally separated and will not be responsible for or pay any accounts that have his name attached to them.

Take out an ad in a local paper announcing your separation both marital and financial. Renounce yourself responsible for any and all debit incurred by your near-ex forthwith.

Check your credit reports at least every week for the next few years. Be aware of any new open accounts that you didn't apply for.

Get a pre-paid cell phone. Give the number out only to those closest and most trusted and don't let your soon-to-be ex find it.


The Plan

Get your unwanted room mate out of the house. If he is a sports fan, get him tickets to a local game featuring his favorite team. Get two tickets so he can take a friend. If one of his friends is sympathetic to your plight and on your side have him call your ex and invite him out with the boys to go to a stip bar...etc... Just do anything that will get him out of the house for at least 8 hours.

Now, for the fun part.

Hire a moving company that comes in and packs up everything up for you.
If something is legitimately his or you don't want it any longer like his favorite tv chair or high school football trophy, then don't touch them, but do leave a mattress in the middle of either your old bedroom where your marital bed used to be, or the living room.
Take everything else.

Have the movers deposit everything in storage unit under friends name.

Call in the locksmith.
Change all locks and also call in a home security company to wire up the house. Make sure the password is something your ex will never think of in a million years. If he tries to break in while you are not there, the police will come by and invite him over to the station house for tea.

Place "For Sale" sign on front lawn.

Use new cell phone to co-ordinate your plan with your accomplises.

Next....have him served divorce summons wherever it was you sent him. That way it will be public with plenty of witnesses.

When he gets home to his now empty former residence leave the front door open.

What he should find is you, naked with at least two other naked men in the act of coitus. For dramatic effect, strew many open condoms wrappers on the floor leading to the mattress you left in the middle of the room.

Have the newspaper next to the bed opened up to both the real estate and the help wanted sections. Both should have several selections clearly circled in red marker.

When your ex finally is able to say something without spurts of foam flying from his lips just smile point to the newspaper and tell him you found several job opportunities he should check out right away and a new place to live.
Tell him you packed up all his trophies and collectibles. His tv chair is on the lawn next to the "for sale" sign.

And last, but never least....you parting words.


"Oh, and be a dear, please don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."


I know this is extreme, but it is also VERY effective.
Hey, it worked for my friend.

From what you describe you are never going to get rid of this guy thru the usual diplomatic channels.

I'm sure this works if you want to go the gold digging, immature, bitter and totally uncivil approach that will most likely go no where, causing the process to be drawn out a lot longer than it should be.

I highly do not recommend doing this method.

 

[Flatfoot]

All dark humor aside, it's least stressful on EVERYONE involved when it's done civilly. Granted, the Mr. is in the needy/denial stage, and will be difficult to work with until he snaps into reality. I don't know either of you personally, but you've only complained that he's been needy and over-emotional, and you haven't mentioned any other instabilities or violent behavior, so I've got a feeling you'll be able to do this in a civil manner.

The best thing you can do, in order to legally separate yourself (and to expediate your husband's reality check!), is to actually separate yourself outside of the house. I've got a feeling that since he doesn't want it, he's probably not gonna wanna leave. I've been through this, and I know it probably seems like you'd be able to live together "separately" in the same house to make things easier on both of you, because pulling apart all finances and finding an alternate place to stay may seem nigh impossible. That's one of the biggest contributions to the problem. If you're in this mindset, you're thinking like a person who is not ready to escape a miserable marriage, for the sake of being "comfortable". It's a rough process even when done civilly, but when you're not happy, it's worth it to escape.

The best thing you can do, since you've already announced your intent, is to pull yourself out of the picture. If you keep sticking around, he's gonna stay in his period of denial, fantasizing that things are going to get better and that everything will be okay. If you can't find your own place on short notice, I'd seriously consider seeking out friends or family to stay with. I HIGHLY recommend you try handling things at the lowest level possible, because it's much easier and less costly(Lawyers and court fees are MAD expensive!) when the only thing you have to take to the court is your separation agreement, showing them you two have agreed on all terms, and you just want the ominus dominus from the judge. You won't be able to get to this stage until your husband accepts the reality that it's over, though.

Whatever path you choose, good luck! When it's all said and done, the feeling of freedom is quite liberating!

 

[mntickler]

if u cheat on him all time time and let him know it should get rid of him for good.especially if u do it with his best friend then it will be on.

 

[Azrael]

A very good friend of mine who was in a situation very similar to yours followed this plan. She got it from her sister who was also in a bad situation, had had enough and was finally ready to take action so she could start her new life.

If a married woman "planning on" a divorce is in a position, socially and morally, where she can *find* two guys she's willing to get down and dirty with as part of a divorce scheme, I'm wondering who it is that ought to be filing, really.

 

[Bride of Dracula]

If a married woman "planning on" a divorce is in a position, socially and morally, where she can *find* two guys she's willing to get down and dirty with as part of a divorce scheme, I'm wondering who it is that ought to be filing, really.

LOL....Actually Az, the two gentlemen in question were the husbands of the wives, my friend's sister's ex was cheating on her with.

Turnabout is only fair.

Call it devine, poetic justice.

 

[Saeria]

Oddly enough, cheating is little of an issue as to why i want a divorce, then again it just might play a part. I simply grew tired of waiting at the window for days at a time for him to come home, then 5 or 6 days later he would return by taxi, my van impounded, no shoes on his feet and sores on his hands and lips. The bank account is overdrawn and it's almost $200 to retrieve a van that barely runs anymore and is filled with chore boy tags and condom wrappers. I could put up with the lying, even the cheating. I could stand the emotional abuse and even the physical when i tried to get in the way of him and his vices. I can't stand to watch him die nor can i stand the way he seems to believe that everytime he disappears he can come back and everything will be just fine. I don't want to be vindictive, i don't want to punish him, i think i just need to save myself at this point. I don't have to play dirty to hurt him, he already hurts enough on his own. I want him to leave simply because i think if he had to spend more money on things like a place to live he would have less to spend on things he doesn't need. Well, there's that and the fact that and the fact that i'm completely at a loss as to how i can hold down two minimum wage jobs and an apt and raise a 5 yr old at the same time. So in a sense, i still love the man, i just can't stand him. I'm angry and tired. But it's starting to look as if maybe we should leave him here and go our own way, scary as that may be. Lawyers won't be easy to come by either, i have no personal income right now (but hopefully my job interview goes well today, hooray!), he's successfully severed me from my family and most of my friends so all i really have left is the shelter again unless i take my time and do it right. Haha i knew i should have gotten the puppy instead of the husband, dammit.

 

[Mimi]

I went through this with my ex-husband. It actually took several years for me to finally get him out of my house and my life. He knew I was not a cold or vindictive person, so he always played the "but I have nowhere to go!" sympathy card on me and got me to back down after a few days of constant whining and badgering. It even got to the point that I truly disliked him so much that the very sight of him or sound of his voice made me physically ill. I couldn't stand to be in the same building as him much less the same room.

He simply would not move out and I could find no way to make him. So I finally had it and told him that I wanted a divorce, and from that moment on our relationship was over. If he chose to stay in the house for whatever reason, I could not stop him, but I was carrying on with my life without him. We were no longer a couple and I would not address him or treat him any differently than I would a roommate. One I did not like at that.

He had his tantrums and verbally assaulted me daily, saying the most cruel and vile things you can imagine. But I carried on and ignored him. I met a few friends from the forum for some fun and play a few times, and the last one I met up with turned into something much more than we anticipated. It blossomed into a full relationship, and I was so freaking happy that it only further reinforced my necessity to get the my jackass ex out of the house.

I got lucky. One night when I was on the phone with my new love, the old jerk was in the background threatening me and my friend, verbally abusing me, and even began throwing a few things. Lazarus (my new sweetie) heard it all, hung up the phone, and drove 3 straight hours to my house, ready and prepared for a confrontation with my ex. It wasn't necessary. My ex was a big talker when it came to pushing around women, but he was terrified of Laz (with good reason...Laz is a retired indy wrestler), and spent the whole night packing up his stuff and making arrangements to move out first thing in the morning. He got some woman he had been talking to on the net for some time, and had met twice, to drive over to our place at the crack of dawn and pick him and his things up and take them back to her house (they are still together and have a baby girl now). That was the last I ever had to deal with him on those terms, and the divorce was final a few months later.

If it had not been for Laz (who, by the way, I am still with and engaged to, and just celebrated 4 years together), I don't know how the hell I would have been able to get out of it. And unfortunately I can offer you no advice. I can only lend a sympathic ear because I've been there and I know the agony and ills you are suffering right now. I really hope you come across a solution as quick and clean as I finally did. It will be a huge breath of fresh air once you get that weight off your chest.

 

[911]

If you don't like this guy and it sounds like you don't, why did you marry him?

 

[Headsnap]

This thread contains a lot of good advice. It also contains a lot of shite advice and stupid opinions, but they're easy to ignore. If you've stated that you want a divorce in no uncertain terms and he still goes back into happily married mode every time you show the slightest bit of sympathy towards him then you need to stop showing sympathy towards him. I know that might be hard given the length of time you've been sharing your lives with one another (you more than him from what I'm reading), and if he has a temper and/or is abusive it might even be physically frightening to do anything which may provoke a confrontation, but you can't keep giving him straws to clutch at or he'll just keep clutching at them. I'd also say stop trying to put his feelings into the equasion; stop, for instance, thinking "if he leaves it'll be good for him because he will have to support himself and will have less money to spend on drink and whatever else". If you truly are getting out of this relationship to save yourself then fuck him. Fuck what he needs, fuck what he wants, fuck what's good for him and the horse it rode in on. Start thinking in terms of what's good for you and your child, as in "if he leaves, I will be able to spend more of the money I earn on my kid and will be able to find a bloke who is willing to pitch in with the family". I know you don't want this to get ugly for whatever reason, but it might be time to accept that it may well have to if you ever truly want to cut the cord. If he physically intimidates you then try speaking to any brothers, uncles, anyone you can get hold of who might be willing to just sit in the room with you whilst you tell the hubby where to go. They don't necessarily need to do anything but you'll often find that another male presence in the room will curb the temper of a partner who would otherwise not think twice about squaring up to you or whatever, and if he does start behaving like an animal they can restrain him.

I dunno, I'm mostly just dredging up Dr Phil stuff here because this is not a situation I've been in and so it's not one I can really comment on with any authority. You're right though, at least if he was a puppy you could stick him in a bag and drown him ^_^

 

[kis123]

Obviously you've never been married

If you don't like this guy and it sounds like you don't, why did you marry him?

Because sometimes people change after they get married just like my ex did. Some people are very good actors; they are charming, sweet, and loving during the entire time before the wedding. After the "I do's" are exchanged, the real peoson comes out, and it ain't always pretty!

Sometimes, you're so much "in love" that you either don't see the signs or simply ignore them. There are people who think that marriage will change their partner (not that I'm accusing the OP of such, but it does happen). This is a huge no-no; if there is something about a partner that annoys, irritates, or endangers the other partner it's best to leave the relationship because the attitude/behavior may never change or even get worse.

I hope this answers your question.

 

[Saeria]

To be honest, i really didn't want to get married in the first place. It was one of those deals in which i was kinda pressured into it by him and his family (who were also just flabbergasted their "perfect" son had a child out of wedlock.) I did want it to work thought, i wanted very badly for it to work, i waited for the time when i actually fell in love with him it just never happened. I was an idiot, i thought that if i tried hard enough it would work. But it's definantly time to move on, I have a job interview tomorrow and hopefully by the end of the week i'll be employed and have some clue as to how i'll be able to handle doing things completely on my own.

 

[Iggy pop]

You have to do what is best for you, and from what you have said it sound like you need to get out of the house. Find a friend or family member you can stay with.