i hear the forum is like family so please help

[isabeau]

thanks kurch and captain of course it helps to know there are others out there in the same situation. and what you said captain makes absolute sense. of course she didnt know what she was doing, her mental mind took over. and i'll check out that website thanks

steph thanks hon i know it can be chemical. and kis yes i am moving on, just yesterday i couldnt seem to help myself. love to all here xoxo

isabeau and thanks kurch i just might

 

[cinnabar]

From my personal experiences around some family members with severe depression, they always seemed to want to stay away from friends and family while going through a 'bout of it because they didn't want to be a burden. At times they came across as being angry at or holding a grudge against those they were shying away from but it was a distorted mask of love they had - trying to make it less painful for those they cared about. It didn't work of course, but that was their mentality. Again, I'm speaking from my own personal experiences and I'm sure it differs with everyone.

 

[isabeau]

thanks darkgem i know that when i was in my depression, i was so afraid my husband would be mad i dreaded each day when he came home for lunch to find me lying on the couch not doing anything. i hated putting him thru this and didnt want to burden him with it. of course he wasnt mad, he said i needed help and i agreed. unlike mom who fought help always.

isabeau

 

[steph]

Y'welcome sweet love. My patients have taught me one of the most disturbing effects of this disease and its medication is the irony. From the symptoms you describe, it sounds like your mum suffered from schizophrenia~it makes you paranoid & delusional and there are different levels. Most hear and see things that aren't there~hear voices that tell them to kill themselves, etc. It's generally treated with lithium salts. Although they work GREAT on controlling the "episodes," they kill the patient's ability to feel joy, sadness, etc. So, the patient goes off the meds trying to feel alive again, only to suffer another episode, it's a horrible cycle that repeats itself over and over. Eventually, the patient gets fed up and silences the voices permanently, for them, it is the only way to find peace...
XOXO

steph thanks hon i know it can be chemical. and kis yes i am moving on, just yesterday i couldnt seem to help myself. love to all here xoxo

isabeau and thanks kurch i just might

 

[isabeau]

thanks stephers that could be, although it doesnt matter now. but i hope that its not inherited, thats my biggest fear, there is no way on earth i want to be anything like my mom was to me. in her last years she was nothing but a burden. i know thats terrible to say, but aside from the fact that i had these thoughts yesterday about what she was thinking before she died, in the long run i am finally free of her.

isabeau

 

[steph]

Can I confess something really, really awful hon?
I know I get the clinical depression that's plagued me most of my life ( I take 10 mg of prozac, the lowest level you can get, for years now) from my physically abusive father. His most recent diagnosis at age 65 is "adult onset ADD." What a crock of shit~the man has a Master's degree. I can't wait until he dies and I'm free of his horrible presence, I really can't. I know, you can say it, I'm going to hell right?
XOXO

i know thats terrible to say, but aside from the fact that i had these thoughts yesterday about what she was thinking before she died, in the long run i am finally free of her.

isabeau

 

[isabeau]

no sweetie you arent going to hell if anyone is, it would be your father. however i cant say who will go to hell or not, the only ones i'm sure are in hell are hitler, ted bundy and the like. i have a confession to make also, i couldnt have gotten over my depression without paxil.i take 10mgs of paxil a day. actually it not only helps, it keeps my weight down. so sorry to hear aboiut your father stephers. and you are a great person. xoxo

isabeau

and ps i also wished for mom to hurry up and die, so you arent alone.

 

[kis123]

Can I confess something really, really awful hon?
I know I get the clinical depression that's plagued me most of my life ( I take 10 mg of prozac, the lowest level you can get, for years now) from my physically abusive father. His most recent diagnosis at age 65 is "adult onset ADD." What a crock of shit~the man has a Master's degree. I can't wait until he dies and I'm free of his horrible presence, I really can't. I know, you can say it, I'm going to hell right?
XOXO

If that's true, I'll see you there!

I hated my father all of my life. He didn't even go to my mother's funeral and pay her last respects. She only gave him 5 children for crying out loud! He was a narcistic as*hole and I don't miss him one bit now that he's gone. My only regret was I didn't get to tell him how much I achieved without his help before his sorry a** died in 2001.

The goal is not just to survive-it's to live, grow, and thrive. Continue doing it if for no other reason than to spite your past and those that made it miserable!

Sorry for the rant-I was just handed a pretty big blow today. Don't want to discuss right now, but am very tired of the issues adults bring on themselves and bring to me to fix!

**kis grinds her teeth, jumps off soapbox, and walks off**

 

[CaptainQuantum]

hadn't been posting much lately

I hadn't been posting much for about a week and a half, until a few days ago, because my depression/anxiety had started bothering me again. I completely lost interest in everything I ordinarily do. My depression is totally situational, and mostly having to do with money problems and low self-esteem. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I can honestly say I don't think I would ever get depressed about anything again, because so much of my self-esteem is wrapped up in what I have and what I don't have. And having to quit my telemarketing job in May, getting by with help from my dad since then, I haven't had much. I quit because it was getting me down to the point that I would many nights contemplate going somewhere to kill myself instead of going home from work that night.

Anyway, I thought it was the new anti-depressant Effexor XR 150mg that had made such a big difference in how I felt. I was hospitalized the first week of August and by the time I left I felt better than I have in years. There was 100mg of Trazodone that I took at bedtime for sleep, and when that ran out I figured I'll just get some generic Sominex from Walgreens. The Effexor was supposed to be the really heavy-duty stuff, so I didn't figure the Trazodone (which is also an antidepressant, but it is prescribed for sleep because it makes you REALLY drowzy) would make that much difference. After all, I had been on Trazodone in the past (always for sleep) and never noticed much difference in how I felt. When I ran out of Trazodone about a couple weeks ago (the hospital gave me 2 weeks worth when they discharged me), I started feeling myself slowly going downhill. Things started to irritate me again. Things started to depress me again.

Long story short, I've been back on the Trazodone along with the Effexor XR for almost a week now. And I feel just about as good as I did a few weeks ago. Things don't bother me anywhere near as much as they used to. People say attitude is a big part of feeling good, but if you have a chemical imbalance or in my case, just developed a personality where you get depressed and panick easily, the right medication makes it SO much easier to have that right attitude.

For Steph and anyone else on here that has depression, try to remember that you don't have to feel that way. It feels good to finally be able to say that and believe it myself. Later.

 

[isabeau]

Captain believe me you are not alone. i am not sure what would happen to me if i went off my paxil. i'm afraid to try to tell you the truth. the only down side to these meds is the fact that when you do decide to get off them, you must do it gradually slowly, doing it too fast can be dangerous. i always wondered what the heck that means? dangerous? makes me too scared to even try. however captain pm me anytime i definitely have been there and so have many in here i'm sure.

isabeau

and kis sorry about whatever big blow happened to you or what was handed to you. maybe sometime you also can feel free to pm me

 

[isabeau]

thanks

i would just like to thank all who responded to my thread. there was much advice and no negativity. and sorry again kis to dredge up memories. that wasnt my intention. i guess the rumours are true, this forum is like family. i think i'll stay awhile if its ok. and for those who responded, i am feeling much better. i sometimes get in these modes, but dont usually whine about it. thanks for bearing with me.

isabeau

 

[CaptainQuantum]

I was on Paxil for maybe a year or so. Then the psychiatrist at the clinic where I get free samples said that the Paxil CR (controlled release) had been recalled so he had none to give me. So he put me on Zoloft. While the Paxil was getting out of my system I did get really itchy but that's about it.

When they put you on a similar drug to the one you're getting off of, it's supposed to help with the withdrawal symptoms, so maybe it would have been worse without the Zoloft.

Now Effexor which I am on now, is supposed to be HELL to get off of. Much worse than Paxil from what I've read. This one website talks about "brain shivers" and doesn't explain what they are, but just says "when you get one, you'll know it." I looked up brain shivers and they said basically it's extreme dizziness. I don't know why that other website couldn't just say extreme dizziness instead of "brain shivers", but oh well

 

[isabeau]

eeks thats the first time i heard dizziness referred to as brain shivers. and i'm not on the released paxil, just regular paxil

isabeau

 

[AquaFeline]

and for those who responded, i am feeling much better. i sometimes get in these modes, but dont usually whine about it. thanks for bearing with me.

isabeau

Whining is better than letting things fester, the latter probably accounts for many psychological problems after all. 😀

 

[steph]

Thanx for the support friends~people who never lived thru it always get this horrified look on their faces. Nice to know I'm not alone...
XOXO

 

[unit5610]

Wow...it's good for me, and sobering, to read through this thread as a reminder of how fortunate I've been not to go though the difficulties that many of you have had to deal with. I've had a few interesting issues over the past five years but never had to endure depression and abuse as you guys have. I wish you all strength to get through the difficult times along with my thoughts and prayers. I fell priveliged to post with all of you!

 

[isabeau]

as it also is a priviledge to post with you Unit and everyone else. i must add that normally im a very happy person especially these last few months, however there are times when i reflect and friday was one of those. it might have been wrong to vent this way, but i dont like bothering my husband with it all the time, he is a saint as it is to put up with me. and its so nice to talk in a forum such as this, where one doesnt feel judged and people offer such excellent advice. thanks again and now i'll shut up about this subject forever so to speak.

isabeau 😱

 

[CaptainQuantum]

thanks again and now i'll shut up about this subject forever so to speak.

isabeau 😱

yeah! shut up & laugh! j/k 😀

 

[kis123]

If I would've had a place like this 10years ago to vent my frustrations with life and people to offer me support, who knows what better place my life would be by now? I had to struggle through this mess by myself. So I'm very glad Isabeau decided to share rather than to burden herself or her wonderful husband. This type of stuff puts major strain on marriages-I know that from personal expreience.

Yeah, I went through a crappy childhood, and most of my adult life was spent recovering from my crappy childhood. The good news is I finally realized that I didn't have to stay in my mess and could come out. I've since split from the ex, raised one child, still raising the other long distance (she lives w/dad), got my bachelor's degree while my then 19-year old son watched, cleaned up my credit, and am working on buying my first home. I think I accomplished a lot of stuff in a few short years. I still have lots of work to do.

Even with all the hard times, I consider myself blessed because so many people suffer everyday and don't or won't do anything about it. I could be still living under that curse.

Now it's time I start finding the real "me", not the one I've let others pin labels on over my lifetime. The journey has just turned an interesting corner recently...I think it's going to be a wild ride from here!

 

[isabeau]

haha captain and kis i'm so glad to know you. you are a great example of someone who pulled their life together and are now successful. good luck in everything you do and you are right my husband is wonderful, too wonderful probably.

isabeau

 

[supler]

May I PM you? I had a similar situation with my father.

 

[isabeau]

yes you may if you are talking to me, no need to ask first

isabeau

 

[CaptainQuantum]

Saw my therapist today

Basically she said don't get too dependent on the meds to make me feel good, which I can see her point. Even though the Effexor (when it seemed to be doing more than it is now) did take most of the effort out of having a good attitude, which was nice. But she said anything having to do with meds I would have to talk to my psychiatrist on the 11th.

I did ask her if meds are supposed to be taken by someone like me, who only gets depressed when he doesn't like his circumstances. And she used the example of someone grieving after a loved one dies. That's situational depression. But if the person is depressed no matter what is going on, then that's different. So I guess following that logic, I guess meds weren't really meant for someone like me. But I remember one time talking to my pdoc about this, and explained that I only get depressed under certain circumstances, and he reminded me "yes, but you get TOO depressed when you don't like your circumstances, and you get suicidal." I'm paraphrasing. So I kinda got 2 different answers.

I know that if I won the lottery tomorrow, I can honestly say I'd never be depressed again because I'm happy as long as things are going my way, and if I was wealthy, I would have more control over things in my life than I feel like I do now. Plus I'm extremely shallow. You have no idea. I read something one time that I never forgot. This one religious type guy was dying and he said "there's 3 things you need to be happy in this world. Good enough health, enough money, and don't give a damn about the less fortunate." Well I have 2 out of 3. I'm relatively healthy and I don't give a damn about the less fortunate, unless of course the less fortunate is me (sorry but it's true). It's so frustrating to know that following that logic, I'm this close to being really happy. All I need is the money.

As I typed that about feeling in control, I remembered that's the whole point of the book Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman; that optimistic people always believe they have more control over things than pessimistic people. When things go good anyway; when things go bad, in their mind it was "dumb luck" or a fluke. He says depression results from what he calls "learned helplessness". A person's susceptibility to depression depends on their susceptibility to feeling helpless.

Sorry about getting so off topic 😛 Basically I will know more when I see my psychiatrist. I have a number of questions I'm going to ask him.

 

[isabeau]

before my mom died i was a pessimist and now i am an optimist. i[m not sure if this makes sense but except for the week i posted this thread i now see only the good in things whereas before i saw only the bad. its horrible that moms death set me free finally for the first time ever in my life but its true. and after the depression which set in two weeks after she died, in which i blamed myself for her death, and sometimes like a few weeks back when i began to doubt and felt down, i have never been so happy in mylife. i dont know if its moms death, the paxil or what. but i feel as if a big burden is finally lifted from my shoulders and now i can live like i could never before. and captain, meds arent bad if they can help. im wondering even now what would happen if i went off paxil. i would like to try but am so afraid that i might go back to that period where all i wanted to do was lie on the couch, and watch the same old movie over and over and try to sleep all day like i did after mom died. meds were created for a reason, and although i hate and i mean hate taking them , because my mom was an addict, sometimes they are entirely necessary.

isabeau