Is this controlling or respectful?

[ViperGTS]

I've been talking with many community members and we've been discussing gatherings and such. One thing keeps coming up.

Me: Hey there "chatroomuser", are you going to "gathering"?
chatroomuser: No, my boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse said I can't go.

So, in other words, you want to go, but you say you can't because someone else said they're not comfortable with you going?

Shit to that, I say.

The question was posed to me a while ago as well: if there were an all female gathering and IrishGirl wanted to go, would you let her?

LET her? The hell do you mean, LET her? No, I wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of her going, but I sure as hell wouldn't tell her I didn't want her to go. In fact, if she wanted to go, I'd want her to go as well.

I don't know, today I don't feel very eloquent, maybe I'm not making any sense. It just really grinds my gears to think that people aren't "allowed" to express themselves because someone else said it's not normal.

 

[Amanda]

I agree. I mean, say i was a non-tickling wife of a man who wanted to attend some sort of gathering of men and women....since he is my husband, i should trust him and allow him to go, knowing nothing more than tickling will happen between him and another woman. I would be scared shitless, but trust is a very important aspect, along with being fair, in a relationship. So he would attend it.

 

[terorizer]

I can understand that line of thought. While I'm sure there are many instances where the words can be taken quite literally, I think a lot of times, particularly when it's a long term relationship, when someone says "My SO won't let me go", the more accurate meaning may be something more akin to "My SO is uncomfortable with this, so out of respect to their feelings, I'm not going", or "It's not worth jeopardizing the harmony of my home to do something my SO feels so strongly against."

 

[Redmage]

This is a very hard question without more details of each case. I can see situations in which someone's spouse/partner might express such discomfort that the person decided not to do it, and then reported it as "He/she said I can't" when what he/she really said was "I don't want you to," or "I'd rather you didn't." And I can see situations in which the partner says "If you go then don't look for me when you get back," which is much more controlling IMO. And I can see situations in which the partner said "You can't go," or hid the car keys, or some such.

These are all very different things, and it's hard to know which is which without some probing questions.

 

[Strider]

Well, relationships are built around compromises. Telling someone 'you can't go' is a bit overboard, but you absolutely have the right to say 'I'd really prefer you didn't go', or 'the idea makes me uncomfortable'.

 

[Aragon]

I will say this on this particular subject, and I'm not sure the situation though.

My failed marriage, I worked quite a bit, nothing too excessive, but a bit. My ex would be upset if I decided to do something other than work or go shopping with her. It was perfectly acceptable in her mind to leave and not tell me were she went. Now, I could have cared less some days of her opinion, and did do what I enjoyed, and said little of her excursions. She was always complaining I didn't listen to her when I went, which was infrequent, and hers were not. She ended up cheating on me to the point she moved her boyfriend into my house. Neddless to say, I was upset, and the cops came out to a call of a crazy Marine wielding a sword playing pepe lepew with some crackhead. Now, not saying it is alot of situations, but controlling people are prone to cheaters as well. One of the few cases that is not true, is an openly BDSM relationship. Then, usually it has everything to do with control, and there are more reasons involved.

 

[tulipangel]

Ok enough! I'm the Chat room user your talking about! Please stop! Thanks!

 

[BellaRisa]

Ok enough! I'm the Chat room user your talking about! Please stop! Thanks!

Um...

With respect to you, Tulipangel, I'm glad someone brought this up. There are a LOT of people who say they would love to attend gatherings like NEST but don't because their spouses "won't let them". I've been hearing this since I began attending such events and especially when I began hosting them, I've even had people call me at the very last minute to tell me that their spouse changed their mind (whut?? ) despite plane tix bought and all arrangements in place. In those cases they most certainly DO mean "they won't let me", as in they will leave or so something horrible if you go anyway, making the consequences outweigh the fun of the gathering. It's an odd concept for many of us, because we A) can't imagine having (and keeping) a 'loving' spouse who would seriously stand in the way of our happiness concerning something like this, and B) are adults and haven't asked permission to go somewhere in many a year. We definitely run things by our spouses and work out any issues, but just plain 'no'? I think not.

Bella

 

[tulipangel]

And ya whatever! just i dont like someone talking to me one second and taking somethin i said that wasnt meant to be posted to the whole freakin world and doing just that! geesh! im annoyed! so what some people CANT go! Leave it alone! if we cant or wont it doesnt matter! I feel bad enough that im not going i dont need what i talk about posted by someone else! I am very annoyed and am re-thinking my account on this site!

 

[isabeau]

And ya whatever! just i dont like someone talking to me one second and taking somethin i said that wasnt meant to be posted to the whole freakin world and doing just that! geesh! im annoyed! so what some people CANT go! Leave it alone! if we cant or wont it doesnt matter! I feel bad enough that im not going i dont need what i talk about posted by someone else! I am very annoyed and am re-thinking my account on this site!

don't do that tulip please...pm me ok?

isabeau

 

[drew70]

In my opinion, it is controlling, and controlling is seldom if ever respectful. It's one thing if the spouse says, "honey, we really can't afford air fare and hotel accomodations." But I think it's unreasonable to tell a spouse where he/she can or can't go. I personally take a dim view of such attitudes.

 

[Nightfall]

Think about it this way...

I've talked to people online for years whom I've never met nor probably ever will because of the 'my spouse won't let me/doesn't understand.' Now apart from the fact that it makes me sad, I try to look at it from the other side of the mirror as it were.

For those spouses, they probably see a simplified version of what this fetish is: Tickling = Sex.

Now, if you had made that connection in your head because you know that tickling in any of its many forms turns your spouse on, would you be rushing them off to what equates in your mind as a sex covention? It goes beyond trust at that point. It gets into 'what do you consider cheating?' If another human being turns you on via physical contact, some people quantify that as cheating. I'm not stating my opinion of it one way or t'other.

I'm not saying that control over your partner is in any way good or that trust should be compromised. But think about it from the other POV. But if I couldn't get my spouse to break the link in their brain that all tickling = sex in their mind, then ultimately the trust and comfort of my spouse would have to rule over a gathering.

 

[LD_Tickler]

Better yet, suppose both you and your SO are into tickling, and one day, s/he wants to go to a tickling convention without you. I imagine that would piss you right off. Why? Because it's your SO involved in a sexual act with people other than you.

Now with a SO who isn't into tickling, the exclusion is takes another form, but at the end of the day, it's still your SO going out for sexual activity without you.

I think a lot of the points made have been good ones. I'm basically expanded on Nightfalls point. Also, those who have said that "my husband won't let me" really means "my husband isn't comfortable with it" also raise good points. In these cases, it's not worth the fighting, or not worth hurting your SO like that.

Another example, sans tickling. Husband tells his wife, "I'm going to go to a strip club and get a lapdance." Is the wife voicing serious unhappiness with that decision unreasonable? Absolutely not.

It's a matter of equivolence.

PS, Tulipangel, no need for concern. I don't think many of us knew who Viper was referring to until you said so yourself. Besides, the discussion is a good one in general, it's not about you in particular.

 

[Iishieboo]

Tulipangel!

TT_TT Please don't go anywhere! I'd miss you! *sniffle*

 

[ViperGTS]

And ya whatever! just i dont like someone talking to me one second and taking somethin i said that wasnt meant to be posted to the whole freakin world and doing just that! geesh! im annoyed! so what some people CANT go! Leave it alone! if we cant or wont it doesnt matter! I feel bad enough that im not going i dont need what i talk about posted by someone else! I am very annoyed and am re-thinking my account on this site!

TulipAngle, no one mentioned your name. No one explained, expressed, or implied that any one letalone yourself was a part of this thread. And no one would have suspected that the thread was started about you if you hadn't gone postal and announced it to the whole world.

Besides, we're not talking about one person here. I'm referring to several people that have expressed the same opinion/restriction. I have no objections to anyone making their own decisions, but I find it anonying when others make decisions for them.

Don't think about abandoning a part of yourself or a part of the family you've joined just because you think a thread was started about you. No one said this was about you anyway, hon.

 

[isabeau]

TulipAngle, no one mentioned your name. No one explained, expressed, or implied that any one letalone yourself was a part of this thread. And no one would have suspected that the thread was started about you if you hadn't gone postal and announced it to the whole world.

Besides, we're not talking about one person here. I'm referring to several people that have expressed the same opinion/restriction. I have no objections to anyone making their own decisions, but I find it anonying when others make decisions for them.

Don't think about abandoning a part of yourself or a part of the family you've joined just because you think a thread was started about you. No one said this was about you anyway, hon.

yes but isn't that the business of the two partners and not anyone else? as everyone knows by now... my husband is adamantly against my attending nest.... but that is between us two and no one else..

isabeau

 

[tulipangel]

yes but isn't that the business of the two partners and not anyone else? as everyone knows by now... my husband is adamantly against my attending nest.... but that is between us two and no one else..

isabeau

Izzy I wuv ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[venray]

Besides, we're not talking about one person here. I'm referring to several people that have expressed the same opinion/restriction. I have no objections to anyone making their own decisions, but I find it anonying when others make decisions for them.

.

You got serious problems if you get annoyed over how other people deal with their relationships, Dude.....

If I had ever told my first wife that I wanted to go to a nest the divorce would have come many years sooner.....

She was as vanilla as they come and would have had no clue what to think....

Married her long before I knew about others into this lifestyle, so out of respect for her, I never would have gone to a gathering....

You really have no right to be annoyed here having no clue what it is like on the "other side" so to speak.....

 

[isabeau]

Izzy I wuv ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ditto my good friend xoxoxo and again what was talked about in private should have stayed that way.... i myself don't care who knows .... i can't pound my husband to a pulp over this.. as much as i would love to attend nest, it's not worth my husband getting so upset that he would leave me. or vice versa......i have talked to him about this time and again.. it's like talking to a brick wall, and when some from the forum have suggested talking to him? he said he would talk to anyone from the forum about anything, but tickling or nest.... how can i change that? i cant

isabeau

 

[ViperGTS]

Ray, we've known each other for a while, and I think if someone doesn't have a right here, it's you, to tell me what I can and can't be annoyed at. Now, perhaps my concerns are not justified, since I know very little about the couples or families that seem to run through this scenario. That being the case, I'd prefer to be corrected, rather than be told that my point of view if plain wrong, or that I don't have the right to think a certain way about situations.

I'm often wrong, and I understand that, but I'd rather have the reason be explained rather than just being told off. We on the same page here, bro? 🙂

 

[venray]

Basically your whole thread was telling people who do things different than you would that they are wrong....so who is telling off whom there...

Had you asked a generic question without mentioning the chat room and did it in a civil manner instead of charging forward like a bull in a china shop....then perhaps you would have a point here.....

 

[isabeau]

ok lets say you are married to a vanilla? and have been for years? but only recently, lets say in the past year, realized that you yourself are not vanilla? is that worth a divorce if you have never ever really experienced the other lifestyle? the guy i am married to is far from perfect ya know? but wow has he been there for me when i needed him.... and to not listen to his concerns for my wellbeing and safety? when he trusts no one online? we have been married for 27 years.... and as i said before, damn , of course i would love to attend my first ever nest... but if hubby is against it? how can i go against that? is that controlling? maybe so.... but he is looking out for my well being, even misguided as that might be... no matter how many times i talk to him about nest, he will not believe me, and no words of mine or anyone else's will change his mind....

isabeau

but i love him and respect his opinion.. without him, i probably would be in a mental hospital as we speak...

 

[tulipangel]

You got serious problems if you get annoyed over how other people deal with their relationships, Dude.....

If I had ever told my first wife that I wanted to go to a nest the divorce would have come many years sooner.....

She was as vanilla as they come and would have had no clue what to think....

Married her long before I knew about others into this lifestyle, so out of respect for her, I never would have gone to a gathering....

You really have no right to be annoyed here having no clue what it is like on the "other side" so to speak.....

you put that so well! Thank you!

 

[ViperGTS]

Ray, Tulip, pardon me for expressing my opinion on something I viewed as abnormal. I did not make an accusation nor did I give an order, I simply expressed my view on a matter that seems odd to me.

 

[isabeau]

Ray, read the title of the thread. It's a question, not an order or an accusation.

And, like I said towards the end of the original post, I wasn't too eloquent at the time (lots of pain from bronchitis), and perhaps I did not express myself as clearly as I could have. Perhaps now that is a little more clear.

no because its really no business but the couple involved in the dispute.. not yours... sorry

isabeau