Jokes

[luv2bt&tickled]

Top Ten List for the ButterBall Turkey Company

Top Ten Signs the Person Answering the Butterball Turkey Hotline is Nuts


10. Starts out by asking, "What are you wearing?"

9. Keeps referring to product called "Vicks Vap-O-Gravy"

8. Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants

7. Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the processing plant

6. When you ask, "How often should I baste it?" he says, "Are we still talking about the turkey?"

5. Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before the damn thing explodes

4. Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours

3. Keeps interrupting to ask if you're planning to eat the bird or wear it as a hat

2. Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat

1. He tells you to go stuff yourself

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Things not to say to the Judge

Don't say to a judge



Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge
1."I got your community service right here pal!"


2."Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."


3."You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"


4."You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."


5."No you robe wearing geek."


6."I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"


7."Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

Lawyer Jokes 1

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
A: Retired.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A fucking know-it-all.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his @$%.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?
A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.

Answer #3: How many can you afford?

Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

Lawyer Jokes 2

Here's the second page to the list of lawyer jokes I have:

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.

Answer #2: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

Very Large Toilet!

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

The Eleventh Commandment!

Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Newlyweds

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed.

Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him."

Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something."

Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
😱

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Re: The Eleventh Commandment!

Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Good one FT! 🙂
Tickling Thoughts! 🙂

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

😀 😀
There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
As she lay on her side,
More stars she espied
Than the stars on the Star Spangled Banner. Tee hee!





Tickling Thoughts! 🙂

 

[JoBelle]

So Which Condom Would You Use....?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energiser Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

So Which Condom Would You Use....?

Those were good Joby 🙂

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Real Dear School Letters

If you think that today's students aren't learning all they should, check
out some of the writing miscreated by their moms and dads. the following are
actual excuse notes received by teachers.

Dear School:
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,
and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very
close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several
mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.

Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.

Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to
get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.

Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not
find him till I started making the beds.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the Marine's.

Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't
the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going
around school, her father even got hot last night.

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

I have to chose either of these!!!

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
OR
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

NEW CAREER

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

DO YOU KNOW ME???

At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

One last quick one. It's pretty dumb, but I do so love to make Clinton jokes!!!


Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy condoms." The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?" "No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

I liked those Jobelle

So Which Condom Would You Use....?

Those were so funny! 😀

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Three Bulls

Three Bulls
Three Bulls
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Tickling thoughts 🙂 Tracy

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

If these are wrong, I am not responsible 🙂

Odd Sex Laws
Odd Sex Laws

A law in Faibanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
Tickle tickle~^~^~^~^~^Tracy

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Buttercups
Buttercups
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

~^~^~^Tickle ~^~^~^~Tickle...Tracy

 

[luv2bt&tickled]

Kinda cute 🙂

Andy
Andy
The town dimwit died and went to Heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, he met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" he said, but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.

"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.

The dimwit thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter

The dimwit started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

😛 Tracy

 

[ForgottenTcklr]

That last one of yours is really good, Tracy!

St. Peter must have to deal with a lot of garbage!!!

 

[slave4tickles]

Way to go Tracy!


3 FRUITS (Joke 336) Rated PG-13

Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they are shot and killed.

God comes down to them and says, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."

The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live. God says to them, "go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."

The first man comes back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries in your ass without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."

The man puts 2 cherries in his ass, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man comes back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your ass, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.

So the man sticks 2 apples in his ass. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.

God says to him, "You have made a face, and now you will go to hell. But i am curious...why did you start laughing?"

And the man says then, "Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons."





😱
*~*Katherine*~*

 

[slave4tickles]

Re: Three Bulls

Three Bulls
Three Bulls
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Tickling thoughts 🙂 Tracy

LOL Poor Bull! LMAO! 😀 *~^*~^*Katherine*^~*^~*

Tracy, your jokes crack me up!

 

[slave4tickles]

To All Employees "R" rated

If foul language bothers you, please don't read futher 😀 if it doesn't you may read on. I did edit this 😀



TO: All employees

FROM: The boss

DATE: January 28, 2000

RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the @#*$ do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No @#$*@*% way!

TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my @#$*@*% problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the #$*@?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: #$*@ it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the #$*@ cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: @#*$ it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another @#$*@*% meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a @#$*@*% prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the @#$* are you doing?

*~*Katherine*~* 😀
oooooh I'm so bad!