...even though she isn't the first and unfortunately not the last.
Briefly, my mom conctracted a moderately slow cancerous tissues growth in summer of last year. It wasn't in any organs so I was very confident that a full chemo treatment would blast the bitch away. Over a long and exhausted remainder of '06 she went to Mayo CLinic to get radiation after a month or so of chemo and was cancer free by December. Aside from some remaining fatigue and some slowly growing peach fuzz on her head, she was fine, and even went back to school (she's a librarian) last month.
Literally LAST week her minor stomach pain became stronger, and after treating it unsicssessfully with Mylanta for "gastric reflux" disease, the pain became so bad that she couldn't hold down food or even move. She went to the hopsital HERSELF for a stomach scan--along with a lengthy list of possible stomach afflictions that I demanded they perform (parasites, impacted bowel)--and they found spots on her liver scan.
Next Day Thursday they got the CAT scan results back: small mass cancer had already ballooned her liver, and spread to her lungs and then to her lymphatic system, which means "fucked" in all-capital letters.
She's too damn weak to undergo a full chemo regiment and another radiation treatment would kill her just as well. The only thing we can do is a once-a-week chemo treatment to reduce the swelling and internal discomfort. She has 5 more treatments to go and could maybe handle another set later if the pain comes back, but in the end it's all to make her comfortable.
I'm...I'm gonna lose her this year one way or another. And there's nothing we can do about it.
I look at her all frail and achy and always asleep and I try to go out and do normal things like going to work, make plans, and even though I'm not feeling helpless anymore because we're fighting the best we can, I'm just SOFUCKINGPISSED! because I'm not ready to lose her: she's the only thing I have that means anything to me at all. My friends here matter more to me than the real-world friends I have at work, but she's the only person I have that i care about this much, and when I lose her, I got nothing left. And neither does my dad because he needs her more than I do. He's already watched his (perfectly heathy) sister die last year--during the chemo treatments I might add--and now the only woman for him, the light of his eyes...I expect it'll kill him too, or come as close as it can.
So, until further notice, I'm cancelling all party participation this year: I have to withdraw from NEST '07 and MTP #11 and maybe even #12. Without her income, my dad relies on his pension to pay for everything and I have to start building my reserves when I'm not watching mom like a hawk for the next year.
If anyone here has any advice on how to prepare yourself or what to expect in losing a mother, one you're very close to, and a damned sweet and lovable person for whom half her friends would walk through Hell to get her anything she needed, I'd appreciate a crash course on what I need to look forward to for the time when she finally leaves us.
I'll still hang out here, but I'm gonna disappear for a while when the day comes. I'll eventually return but it might take a while.
Special thanks go to 4Pawz who'se held my brain as it slides out my ear and hairdried it back in place these last couple of days. As damn fine a woman there herself.
Thanks for listening guys,
Amnesiac
Briefly, my mom conctracted a moderately slow cancerous tissues growth in summer of last year. It wasn't in any organs so I was very confident that a full chemo treatment would blast the bitch away. Over a long and exhausted remainder of '06 she went to Mayo CLinic to get radiation after a month or so of chemo and was cancer free by December. Aside from some remaining fatigue and some slowly growing peach fuzz on her head, she was fine, and even went back to school (she's a librarian) last month.
Literally LAST week her minor stomach pain became stronger, and after treating it unsicssessfully with Mylanta for "gastric reflux" disease, the pain became so bad that she couldn't hold down food or even move. She went to the hopsital HERSELF for a stomach scan--along with a lengthy list of possible stomach afflictions that I demanded they perform (parasites, impacted bowel)--and they found spots on her liver scan.
Next Day Thursday they got the CAT scan results back: small mass cancer had already ballooned her liver, and spread to her lungs and then to her lymphatic system, which means "fucked" in all-capital letters.
She's too damn weak to undergo a full chemo regiment and another radiation treatment would kill her just as well. The only thing we can do is a once-a-week chemo treatment to reduce the swelling and internal discomfort. She has 5 more treatments to go and could maybe handle another set later if the pain comes back, but in the end it's all to make her comfortable.
I'm...I'm gonna lose her this year one way or another. And there's nothing we can do about it.
I look at her all frail and achy and always asleep and I try to go out and do normal things like going to work, make plans, and even though I'm not feeling helpless anymore because we're fighting the best we can, I'm just SOFUCKINGPISSED! because I'm not ready to lose her: she's the only thing I have that means anything to me at all. My friends here matter more to me than the real-world friends I have at work, but she's the only person I have that i care about this much, and when I lose her, I got nothing left. And neither does my dad because he needs her more than I do. He's already watched his (perfectly heathy) sister die last year--during the chemo treatments I might add--and now the only woman for him, the light of his eyes...I expect it'll kill him too, or come as close as it can.
So, until further notice, I'm cancelling all party participation this year: I have to withdraw from NEST '07 and MTP #11 and maybe even #12. Without her income, my dad relies on his pension to pay for everything and I have to start building my reserves when I'm not watching mom like a hawk for the next year.
If anyone here has any advice on how to prepare yourself or what to expect in losing a mother, one you're very close to, and a damned sweet and lovable person for whom half her friends would walk through Hell to get her anything she needed, I'd appreciate a crash course on what I need to look forward to for the time when she finally leaves us.
I'll still hang out here, but I'm gonna disappear for a while when the day comes. I'll eventually return but it might take a while.
Special thanks go to 4Pawz who'se held my brain as it slides out my ear and hairdried it back in place these last couple of days. As damn fine a woman there herself.
Thanks for listening guys,
Amnesiac
