Need some advice

[Ticklerguy4u]

I usually handle my own problems in life but I am really undecided on the proper way to handle this situation. So I figure I get some feedback from anyone.
I have a female friend that only calls me when she is bored because her boyfriend is working or hanging out with his buddies. It usually to go out to dinner or to hang out at the bar. I always pay. She doesn't hang out with me any other time.

Now I am old enough to know that I am being used (like some women are knowned to do plus she has a boyfriend) but at the moment I am going through a dry spell and she is the only female willing to at least hang out with me right now.

So the question is do I bite the bullet until I meet someone else and then kick her to the curb or do I tell her in which case she probably avoid hanging out with me because she doesn't have money (all of it goes into bills) and if I am not willing to spend it then I am probably going to have no life until I do meet someone...*lol
.
Any insights would be appreciated. Stand alone with my morals or keep her around paying for her everytime we go out?

 

[Laugh]

I guess the question to yourself is what do you really want out of this? Do you feel good about yourself and what is happening at the end of the day? If not maybe it's time for a change.

 

[TMF Jeff]

That sounds like a tough call to make from the outside.

Are you really convinced that she's using you, or might there be some jealousy on your part because she's not into you? That can make you judge everything she does more harshly than it might deserve. The reason I ask is that you mentioned her only hanging out with you when she's bored because her boyfriend is busy, and that to me seems like a slightly off kilter judgement. She's obviously not going to ditch her bf to go hang out with some other guy, not and continue to be his girlfriend.

Always paying is a tricky subject. I always pay when I hang out with girls, but it's something I insist on, not something I do because I don't think they could, or that they'd stop spending time with me if I stopped paying. I think if I really thought that's what would happen, I would stop hanging out with that person. I doubt she's so low to the ground broke that she couldn't spring for a hamburger once in a while. But if you're always ahead of her when the check comes, insisting on paying, she may not even think about it. It depends on how you've presented your paying for everything until this point.

In other words, does she offer and you override her, or does she just sit there with a blank look on her face, so that if you don't pay it looks like the bill is never going to be picked up. If you've been forceful about always paying, you can't really blame her for not insisting. But if it's awkward and you end up having to do it by default because she just won't, that's kind of different.

It sounds like you think of this friendship as kind of a transaction, and I wonder if that comes from you or from her. If it's from you, then you have a pretty easy decision. It's either worth it to you to pay for her company, or it's not.

To me the real question is, where is this actually coming from? Is she taking advantage of you? Or are you wanting something more and projecting your feelings about that onto her? It sounds, from the admittedly scant information, like it might be the latter.​

 

[BellybTickler]

The Friend Zone .. it's a tough place indeed.

In the end, I would recommend doing what you feel is best for you. Make an attempt at being more social by looking for groups that share similar interests (perhaps even a local bdsm or fetish group). My gf and I have an acquaintance who is just like this, and we're pretty much kicking her to the curb because in all honesty, it's insulting.

 

[Leo tickles]

I would personally rather sit here alone then take whatever the world offers, especially if she's taken and uses me not only as her cure for boredom, but as her wallet, too.

 

[Lao]

I think most of what I've got to say will somewhat mirror what Jeff's already said, but I like to bring a different perspective on the subject.

Right now, you see this as a dead-end relationship because it's not going farther than it is now, and that's fine. What I might suggest is that you look at what you have in a more positive light. Do you like this girl as a friend? Is she worth hanging out with, even if you don't get anything physical out of it? It might be that she just needs someone to hang out with and talk to every now and then, just like any sane person does. We all need friends outside of our long-term relationships. What's wrong with you being one of those friends, and she being one of yours? Now, if you feel that you can't live with that, and what you require would put her relationship at risk, then yeah, you need to let her know how you feel and cut ties.

Now, as for the financial issue: If you feel that you just can't afford taking her out to eat and stuff, have you considered suggesting going out somewhere or doing something that's free? Tossing a frisbee in the park, taking a bike ride, walking downtown... If she only wants you to take her to places where you need to spend or else she'll find someone else, well, let her find someone else. Next time she asks if you want to hang out, just tell her you're strapped for cash and suggest something you think you'd both enjoy. If she's cool with that, then she likely just appreciates the time she spends with you. If she really is broke, you can't really expect her to spend money she doesn't have, but the same works for you.

Anyway, just my $0.02. The value of my $0.02 comes from my own relationship. Brii, my 6-year girlfriend, hangs out with her friends all the time. Some of them are guys. Some of them are guys that would've loved to be in my place. I trust her (required for a relationship, btw), and I know she needs to spend time with other people. In our situation, we're the ones with money, so when she hangs out with others, she pays for herself (and sometimes them), but it's not about the money. It's really about spending time with people she cares about.

Hope this helps.

 

[locker669]

I'll give you four choices:

1. Continue doing what you are doing now; spending your money on a girl that only calls you when she's bored.
2. Next time she calls tell her you have other plans.
3. Make plans with her, then call to cancel. Don't tell her why just tell her you had a change of plans.
4. Make plans with her and go. When the check comes tell her "Are you not paying because you spent all your money on your wardrobe? Because you got ripped off," but say it with a wink and a smile.

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

hey thanks to everyone for their advice. I did some thinking on it and figured I would just take it for what it is right now. (she is 21, I am 42...she has that Katie Holmes look). I will admit that I am very attracted to her, but it would never work out, I know this. I guess I didn't mention that she is half my age plus, when we are out she talks about her boyfriend and how great he is (sexually too, don't ask me why she cares to share.) I met her through my ex-girlfriend who I was dating at the time. These past few months has she been texting me and going out since my ex and I broke up. She still wanted to remain friends.

This week a day after this post she called me and wanted to go to the bar. I told her that I didn't want to spend anymore money this week and she said that was fine. Didn't hear from her again until the next day when she wanted to go to lunch. (I knew I was paying of course). I was hungry so I said yes. She keeps telling me that she owes me but she always says she is broke--she doesn't make much money.

I figure if it was a dating a girl I would be paying anyway and since she is the only female in my life right now...I guess she gets the perks. Sometimes its the "well it's better then nothing" attitude when life hands you things that a person might consider unfair. She is an attractive 21 year old that for some reason likes to hang out with me. She hugs me everytime she sees me. So I figure it could be worse. She never asks me for money--only to just hang out when I pay. What 41 year old can go out dinning and dancing with a 21 year old unless he pays anyway...*lol I guess we will just use eachother until I meet someone then I guess she is on her own unless she decides to hang out with me for free. I know that makes me sound like a complete tool but she set up the rules not me.

 

[TMF Jeff]

The fact that she's 21 changes a lot. She's essentially a kid, and I don't think you can fairly expect her to understand the situation on the same level as you. Or, for that matter, to think of paying for a meal when out with someone twice her age. I think you're expecting a lot more maturity and social sophistication from her than she's likely capable of considering that she's only been out of high school for about four years.

That said, when she starts talking about her boyfriend and his sexual prowess, you should politely put the brakes on, because gross.

 

[locker669]

I figure if it was a dating a girl I would be paying anyway and since she is the only female in my life right now...I guess she gets the perks. Sometimes its the "well it's better then nothing" attitude when life hands you things that a person might consider unfair. She is an attractive 21 year old that for some reason likes to hang out with me. She hugs me everytime she sees me. So I figure it could be worse.

That reminds me of a Doobie Brothers song

http://youtu.be/pkDkMT4YTUU

You can't think like that. Think of how much time you spend with this girl knowing you're not getting any long term beneift, then think of how many other woman you can meet during that time.

 

[mabus]

What the hell are you doing? Get out of there! Don't answer the phone! (My tone is friendly prodding, by the way.)

I wouldn't waste...a PENNY on this chick, if it were me.

You're almost cheating if she goes after you when her boyfriend's away, so I'd avoid it just to keep my nose from being bloodied if he decides to become jealous.

I just don't feel t the need to hang around crappy people, I got them all out of my life years ago. I have a short time o this planet, I ain't wasting it with people like this
chick.

"Let's see - I give you my time, effort, MONEY, my heart.....and you give me.....NOTHING? (On top of potential problems if boyfriend gets jealous?!) Screw.....THAT."

Look, I am on a two year "dry spell" with women myself, and when I was married, there wasn't much there anyway. Get comfortable with being alone, yourself, and if people
wish to come into your life who are worth it, you'll be on a better standing. I don't believe in ever tolerating unhappy situations just because I want to be with someone, or I
can't be alone. I can eat out by myself, certainly go see movies, take walks, vacation, etc. I'd like someone there, but I'm perfectly happy by myself.

What if there IS that special girl out there....but she sees you, instead of alone, talking to this chick? She'll assume you're dating someone, and move on, and you'll
never know. Meanwhile, you're wasting your time and money with her. You could meet that other girl, and end up with a healthy, happy relationship, tickling each other
all night after going watch a movie and having dinner together.... I'd take my chances at that, trust me.

I actually feel almost as bad for the poor boyfriend - imagine if every time you left the house, your girlfriend/wife went hang around one specific other guy.....she's having all
this fun, and you're burning up with jealousy, or potential jealousy..... I'm just different than most guys - I don't waste my time with jealousy. If a girl wants another guy, SHE CAN HAVE HIM.

I'm not wasting my time being pissed off and paranoid every day with some woman who's going to play those games. One great thing I can say about my wife is that, unless I was wrong, she never
played those games. She was faithful to me, and I was to her. I never want to start the ball rolling in any future girlfriend's/wife's mind that I may cheat on her with someone else,
because that seed of doubt will be there forever.

Go find you a REAL woman! You deserve it.

 

[MrTicklefeet]

I had a friend like that. I eventually gave it up. She was pissed, but then it was always so she could have the attention on her. I don't miss her now.

Now that I think of it, there was this from Free Will Astrology recently. "Should you get down on your knees and beg for love and recognition? No! Should you give yourself away without seeking much in return? Don't do that, either. Should you try to please everyone in an attempt to be popular? Definitely not. Should you dilute your truth so as not to cause a ruckus? I hope not. So then what am I suggesting you should do? Ask the following question about every possibility that comes before you: "Will this help me to master myself, deepen my commitment to what I want most, and gain more freedom?"

 

[GQguy]

I'm going to deviate from the pack on this one.

Keep the relationship going. She is a kid, if I were 42 and hanging out with a 21 year old guy i'd still pay. It's just a courtesy seeing as with your age you likely have more disposable income than they do. Now if cash is a problem don't.

Having female friends while hanging out is one of the best assets to have when interested in meeting new women. Take her out with that intention. Let her in on it! Tell her you want her to help you meet new women. And i'll bet you a shitty domestic beer that she'll be more than happy to help. I bring girls out with me all the time when I want to meet new women. I'll even bring out girls I like when trying to meet new women. Why? Counterintuitive eh? When she sees that other women are attracted to you her level of attraction towards you WILL go up. Men that attract women will always attract more women and men. Not necessarily in a sexual manner, but they will want to be around you.


Hope you understood that!

GQ

 

[TMF Jeff]

Great advice, GQ.

 

[Mitchell]

The question here is: How much are you willing to put up with, just to have someone to hang out with.

The money is one thing, but theres another issue here that to me is even more significant.. That she only hangs out with you when her bf is working, or doesnt have anything else to do. That to me says that, unfortunately, she views you as a last resort socially, and doesnt value you or your friendship;.

I posted on here about my ex best friend of 29 years. For over a decade, he would only see me at times that were convinient to him. Eventually, because of that, and other things, the friendship ended. I was alone for a long time in Lancaster, until I moved back to NY near long term friends. Now, one of my best friends lives right in my building.

I understand the idea of keeping a friendship to not sit alone. I did it for over 10 years. The question is, how much are you sacrificing of yourself, to continue a friendship that isnt working.

I hope you can resolve this. Good Luck.

Mitch

 

[Saeria]

If you question whether or not she's using you, how much can you really say you value the friendship? The reason I ask this is because with my best friends I don't keep tabs. I have friends that I know just don't have the money to go out and do things and I'm more than willing to foot the bill in exchange for having a great time with them. The return I get is enjoying their company.
If you admit a definitive attraction to her, then perhaps you are still somewhat trying to see her as more than a friend. I have male friends too that I think are attractive, but I don't actually think about them as attractive to me as they would be attractive to most other women.

 

[Peace_sign]

I know that makes me sound like a complete tool but she set up the rules not me.

Hey Ticklerguy. You feel like you're being used, and that's a shitty situation and I can relate. The thing is, though, that you also set up those rules; the one that said you have to pay, the one that said you'll show up regardless... and the ones that say she can talk about her sex life. Try not to blame everything on her when you were just as complacent. It sounds like you don't even give yourself the chance to negotiate "the rules" because you're too scared of her... ignoring you/changing the subject/laughing/calling you paranoid/wanting to not hang out/etc?

Don't get me wrong; I think you should end this "friendship". Not because she's a "parasite/bitch/blah blah". But because you want to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who stopped being the one who can't set up his own damn rules about basic stuff like money. You deserve to, Ticklerguy!

Also, a 21-year-old who looks like Katie Holmes? If she's the type who lets others pay for her lunches, she's not gonna stop that until her looks fade or she gains maturity 🙂

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

hey everyone. again thanks for the advice. An update on the situation but before that I will answer some questions that have been posted.

I did realize she is still young and doesn't quite understand that having me pay was in one form of another "using" me but I wasn't sure if I was just being cheap or what.

She does hang out with other people but they just as broke. I am the only few (three out of fifteen) that at least has some cash in the bank.

Yes, she is used to guys paying for her, last week a guy bought her a bouquet of flowers asking for a chance to date her. I'm guessing that's why she didn't see a problem.

Her boyfriend doesn't care that I hang out with her because I am guessing for three reasons.
One-I am the one that help get them together.
Two- I was friends with her way before he became her boyfriend.
Three-He is the kind of guy that has women throwing themselves at him. I am hardly competition. She has already confessed she is falling for him after three months.

When she talks about her sex life I make fun of her about it now.

Now the update* I stuck to my guns about not always accepting going out with her because I didn't want to spend money on her. She wanted me to buy some cheeseburgers for her last week because I bought my myself some. I didn't say anything but when I was full I gave her the last one. I know it was f* up but I had to make a point.

Long story short. She has gotten the message ...she is taking me out to dinner next week. She is paying. This wasn't about me getting together with her but that it should be on equal terms as friends.

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

By the way....She is off-the-charts ticklish on every part of her body. Just a FYI. If anyone wanted to know...🙂

oh, and is one of those hard high pitch laughers when tickled.

 

[GQguy]

Dude. Why do you hang out with her?

 

[TMF Jeff]

Dude. Why do you hang out with her?

This.

 

[chicago]

I'm usually broke myself, so it's more often than not I don't have much money for going out and shit, but if I have plans to hang out with someone, I tend to let them know that ahead of time so we can plan something cheap / free. Sometimes, they're cool with paying for me, but it kinda makes me feel bad if it becomes a pattern.

Dunno what the girl does for a living, but you said she's young, so I'm assuming she probably doesn't have much, though it sounds like you probably knew that when you became her friend. If she's asking you to hang out and not the other way around, that does kinda suck that you're paying all the time. Usually, the ask-er would at least offer to pay half, I'd think.

At any rate, you can either suck it up and hang out with this young, oblivious girl that already has a boyfriend and seemingly no interest in you, or you can stop haggling over cheeseburgers and find something / someone else to occupy your time.

Not really a hard decision there.

 

[Libertine]

The age gap doesn't matter- my wife/lee is 27 years younger than I am, and we've been together for over seven years, so if you want to date a younger woman, it's quite possible.

What does matter is that every minute and every dollar you waste with and on this girl is time and money that should be spent finding someone for yourself, rather than entertaining someone else's.

At the moment it's as if you're paying to play tennis with someone who ignores your serves.

Steely Dan put it very well in the following song about unrequited love, but at least the singer was sleeping with the girl in question once in awhile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVBAnxmXd_k

Your posts over the years indicate you're a decent fellow; you deserve better.

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

Dude. Why do you hang out with her?

Only female in my life right now. Beats hanging alone. Been there, done that. Know a few chicks but they are usually too busy to hang.

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

I'm usually broke myself, so it's more often than not I don't have much money for going out and shit, but if I have plans to hang out with someone, I tend to let them know that ahead of time so we can plan something cheap / free. Sometimes, they're cool with paying for me, but it kinda makes me feel bad if it becomes a pattern.

Dunno what the girl does for a living, but you said she's young, so I'm assuming she probably doesn't have much, though it sounds like you probably knew that when you became her friend. If she's asking you to hang out and not the other way around, that does kinda suck that you're paying all the time. Usually, the ask-er would at least offer to pay half, I'd think.

At any rate, you can either suck it up and hang out with this young, oblivious girl that already has a boyfriend and seemingly no interest in you, or you can stop haggling over cheeseburgers and find something / someone else to occupy your time.

Not really a hard decision there.

Original post was "what to do while I'm looking for someone else to occupy my time. Sit at home?" I live in a small town. Most women close to my age are married now. Might be time to move away.