Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Low_Roads]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and while questioning him about his life, she asked him what he did for sex in the wild.

"Sex?" he asked. "What`s that?"

She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh. I use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong. But don't worry... I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the grass and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she indicated. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, drew back his leg and gave Jane a devastating kick in the crotch. She rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan not stupid... check for bees."

 

[Low_Roads]

I married a moonshiner's daughter 10 years ago, and I love her still.

I was in the park the other day wondering why a ball appears larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.

Did I already tell you my deja vu joke?

My father has a strange hobby. He collects empty bottles. Sounds better than saying he's an alcoholic.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

My therapist says I have a pre-occupation with vengeance... we'll see about that.

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, then beat you with experience.

Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear clever until you speak to them.

Politicians and diapers have this in common: they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Please come visit my work station.

Why is it that one careless match can cause a forest fire when it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

In the part of the job application where it says "In case of emergency, notify," I always put down "Doctor". I mean, what's my mother going to do?

A computer once whipped me soundly at chess. However, it failed against me miserably at kick boxing.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 

[Low_Roads]

An army Major goes to visit sick soldiers in the hospital. He walks up to the first bed and asks, "So, what happens to be your problem, son?"

"Chronic syphilis, sir," comes the reply.

"What treatment are you receiving for it?"

"Five minutes a day with the wire brush."

"And what's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, sir."

"Good man!" the Major compliments and moves on to the next bed.

"What's your complaint, soldier?"

"Chronic piles, sir."

"What treatment have they prescribed for you?

"Ten minutes each day with the wire brush."

"And what's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, sir."

"Stout fellow!" says the Major and continues to the third bed.

"So, what's the trouble with you, boy?"

"Chronic gum disease, sir."

"What treatment are you receiving?"

"Seven minutes a day with the wire brush."

"And what's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, sir."

 

[Hootus1]

A man asked an American Indian what his beautiful wife's name was.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses"

The man said, That is an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?

The Old Indian answered, "It is an ol indian name, it means..

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

 

[Low_Roads]

An extraterrestrial spaceship sets down in Washington DC and what do you suppose? The aliens turn out to be friendly, really swell guys! A big dinner is held in their honor with dignitaries attending from all across the world.

During the evening, the Pope approaches the alien visitors and asks them, "Tell me, my friends... do you know about Jesus Christ?"

The alien ambassadors smile and reply, "Jesus Christ? Why certainly! Tip-top fellow, a great guy! Ol' Jesus drops by to see us a couple of times every year!"

The Pope is taken aback by this news.

"A couple of times every year?! Gracious heavens, we're still waiting for his second coming."

"Hmmm..." say the aliens. "Can't understand that. Maybe he didn't like the chocolates you gave him."

The Pope is entirely flummoxed now.

"Chocolates?! What the devil do chocolates have to do with anything?"

"Well," the aliens explain, "each time he comes to our planet, we throw a huge party for him. He gets the royal treatment... you know, the best accommodations, the finest refreshments and leaves with tons of presents and candy."

"Oh, I see..." murmurs the Pope.

"So... what did you do for him?"

 

[Low_Roads]

Three expectant mothers sat in the obstetrician's office, knitting little sweaters for their soon-to-be babies.

One of the mothers popped a pill into her mouth and the nurse asked her, "What did you just take?"

"Iron," she replied. "I want my baby to have strong muscles!"

The second mother also popped a pill into her mouth and the nurse again asked about it.

"Calcium," she said. "I want my baby to have strong bones."

Finally, the third woman too popped a pill into her mouth. Once again the nurse asked her what she was taking.

"Thalidomide," the woman answered, holding up her knitting in disgust. "I just can't get these fucking sleeves right."

 

[Low_Roads]

A blonde was eager to try her hand at ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally, after gathering all the necessary tools, made for the nearest frozen pond.

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and after pouring herself a steaming cup from her thermos of cappuccino, began to cut another hole.

Once again from up above, the booming voice intoned:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now quite humbled, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and again tried to cut her hole. The voice came once more:

THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She gazed skyward and reverently said, "Is that you, Lord?"

"No," the voice replied. "This is the Ice Rink manager."

 

[xodlirv1]

What's the difference between an epileptic corn-husker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks in fits, and the other...

 

[Low_Roads]

Two blondes are driving out in the country when they notice a third blonde in the middle of a wheat field straining away at the oars of a row boat.

The driver turns to her friend and observes, "You know... it's blondes like that that give the rest of us a bad name!"

"You're so right!" the other replies. "If I knew how to swim, I'd head out there right now and drown her!"

 

[Low_Roads]

Three village women were walking home from the market when they happened upon an accident. An ox-cart had overturned... the driver had been thrown to the ground and the stampeding oxen had stomped his head quite flat. He was obviously dead, his face obliterated. All the same, the first woman thought she recognized his clothing and feared that the man might be her husband. So she decided to draw down his drawers and examine his privates, just to be sure.

"Oh, thank the Lord!" she cried once she'd had a good look. "This is not my husband!"

The second woman took a gander for herself and added, "You're right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman leaned over to see, and scoffed, "He's not even from our village."

 

[Low_Roads]

On the way to their wedding ceremony, a young couple drive off the road and both of them are killed. They ascend to heaven and as they wait outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to register them, they begin to wonder if they might possibly get married in heaven.

"Well," says St. Peter, "I really don't know. This is the first time it's ever come up. Let me go find out."

A few months pass, and as the couple wait for St. Peter's return they begin to wonder if getting married in heaven is such a hot idea after all. I mean, what if it doesn't work out? Will they be stuck together forever?

At long last St. Peter staggers back, looking totally frazzled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you're allowed to get married in heaven. "

" Great! " says the man. "But just one point... tell me, if things don't work out can we also get a divorce in heaven? "

St. Peter grows red-faced and slams his clipboard to the ground in a rage.

"What's wrong?" the frightened couple cry in alarm.

"God dammit!" St. Peter fumes. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer? "

 

[Low_Roads]

Three men enter a bar. The first of them walks up to the bartender and demands a rum and coke. The bartender smiles, reaches behind him and produces an apple.

"What the hell is this?" the angry patron snarls. "I asked for a drink, not a piece of fruit!"

The bartender doesn't lose his composure in the slightest.

"Just have a bite!" he states with confidence. "You'll see!"

The patron stares suspiciously, but decides to try it.

"We'll I'll be!" he says, surprised. "This tastes just like rum!"

"Flip it over!" the bartender instructs.

The patron flips the apple over, takes another taste, and starts in amazement.

" Wow!" he marvels. "This side tastes just like a Coke!"

The second patron approaches the bar to see what all the commotion's about.

"This bartender is amazing!" the first man gushes. "Order yourself a drink and watch what happens!"

"Okay," the second man says. "Give me a gin and tonic, barkeep."

Well, once again the bartender produces an apple. Once again his customer eyes it with scorn. And once again he's cajoled into taking a bite.

"Holy smoke! This apple tastes just like gin!"

"Flip it over!" the bartender smiles.

"And this side tastes like tonic water! Incredible!"

The third patron has been watching the proceedings with increasing curiosity. Finally he can't restrain himself any longer.

"You won't believe this guy and his apples!" the first two enthuse. "He can make 'em taste like absolutely anything!"

"Not anything!" the man states skeptically.

"Yeah, anything!" the men insist. "Just put him to the test!"

Well, this third man is determined to show up the confident bartender.

"Anything, huh? Okay... I want one that tastes like pussy!"

The bartender knots his brow and purses his lips in concentration, and the man's sure he's got him. Then, the barkeep reaches behind his back and produces one more apple. The patron examines it suspiciously, then takes a bite.

"Yeowww!" the man screams, coughing up chunks of apple. "That tastes just like shit!"

"Flip it over!" the bartender smiles.

 

[likeasong1]

There are no bridges in folk music--the peasants all died building them.

 

[Low_Roads]

I'd been told that my father, a road worker, was stealing from his job. At first I didn't believe it, but when I got home I saw the signs.

To an optimist, the glass is half full. To a pessimist, the glass is half empty. To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Stalking: when two people take a long, romantic walk together, but only one of them knows it.

When I die, I want it to be peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather. I do not want to die screaming and clawing, like his passenger.

You spend the first two years of your child's life teaching him to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling him to sit down and shut up.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.

"Vegetarian"... an old Native American term for "lousy hunter".

The most crucial difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is its flavor.

Money talks , all right... but all it ever says is "goodbye".

Build a man a fire, and he 'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

An archeologist is someone whose whole career lies in ruins.

Join The Army! Visit remote lands! Meet strange, exotic people! Then kill them!

The Miss Universe pageant must be fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

It matters not whether you win or lose... what matters is whether I win or lose.

 

[Low_Roads]

A backwoods farmer ambles into his bedroom holding a pig. His wife looks up in irritation.

"Jest lookit the cow I fuck them days when you ain't in the mood!" he drawls.

"Idjit!" she snaps. "That thar's a pig, not a cow!"

The man shoots her a sour look.

" T'weren't talkin' ta you."

 

[Low_Roads]

A blonde stood at the edge of a cliff, enjoying the magnificent view, when a second blonde drove up with a cage full of canaries. The newcomer removed two of the birds, set them on the cliff ledge about four feet apart, then launched herself into space directly between them. The first blonde waited expectantly until she heard a dull "splat!" coming from the canyon floor far below.

Some time afterward, another blonde drove up. She exited her car with a colorful parrot, approached the cliff ledge and she too jumped over the side. About midway down, she pulled out a revolver and blew the bird's head clean off. The blonde spectator soon heard a second "splat!" sound arising from the canyon floor.

About half an hour later, yet a further blonde arrived at the scene. She too had a bird, a Rhode Island Red. Lofting the clucking chicken over her head, she sprang off the cliffside to the inevitable "splat!"

"I'll never understand modern recreation," observed the first blonde. "Budgie jumping, parrot-shooting, hen gliding... I just can't see the attraction."

 

[Low_Roads]

It was the dead of winter. A blonde had just started her car when it began to snow terribly hard. Afraid she might get stuck, she was unsure what to do next until she remembered a few sage words from her father:

"If you're ever caught driving in a snowstorm, wait until you see the snowplow. Then just follow him."

So she sat there patiently, and sure enough the snowplow soon drove past. She pulled out behind it and trailed it for a full half hour until it stopped dead in front of her.

The snowplow driver got out, approached the lady's vehicle and asked, "May I ask please just what it is you're doing?"

"Observing some good advice!" she replied brightly. "I was told I should always drive behind the snowplow during a snowstorm."

"I see," the man noted soberly. "Well ma'am, I'm all done cleaning the Walmart parking lot. But if you like, you can follow me over to Target."

 

[xodlirv1]

Why doesn't the Geico Gecko have a girlfriend? He has a reptile dysfunction.

 

[Low_Roads]

Santa was having a rough year. First off, several of his most experienced elves caught the arctic flu and their novice replacements were working far too slow. It would be a wonder if they'd have all the toys done in time. Then Donner, his lead reindeer, came down with mange... if he wasn't better soon, he would never make the Christmas Eve flight. Between supervising the short-staffed toy line and treating Donner with mange medicine (plus hitting the cider jug pretty hard for fortification), Santa was in no mood for distractions. It was at this time that a little angel showed up at his front door.

"What the devil do you want?" harried Santa demanded.

"Special delivery from Heaven," the angel stated in a flat, bored tone. He then hauled in a six-foot Douglas Fir.

"A tree?" said Santa, flustered. "What am I supposed to do with this tree?"

"Something new the advertising boys dreamed up," the angel continued. "It's a Christmas Tree. The boss wants it ready before you fly on the 25th."

"That's all I need right now!" Santa muttered. "All right, stow it in the corner where it'll be out of the way."

"You misunderstand," the angel droned on. "This is sorta like a centerpiece. It has to be prominently displayed. Next to the fireplace would be ideal."

"The fireplace!?" barked Santa, exasperated. "Do you have any idea how many safety codes that violates?"

"Not my department," continued the angel. "I don't make policy. I'm just here to see it's enforced. Once the tree's in place, it has to be trimmed."

"Trimmed?" Santa simmered. "Shouldn't you have seen to that while you had the cutting tools?"

"Not that kind of 'trimmed', fat boy," the angel snidely observed. "I mean tarted up. You know, like with tinsel and colored balls and suchlike."

"Colored balls!?" Santa seethed. "Where the hell am I supposed to get colored balls!? Do you have any idea how long this is gonna take!"

"Not my problem, buddy. I'm just the delivery man. The details are up to you. Now... where do you want me to stick this thing?"

And that's how the tradition started... the one about sticking a little angel on top of your Christmas tree.

 

[Low_Roads]

During his presidential administration, George Bush Jr. was regularly briefed on recent world events by his staff. It happened one day that the reports were unusually mundane and dull, and the president was on the point of nodding off from boredom. So one of his readers decided to pep things up with a story a bit more exciting.

"It seems that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash during a flight to Rio de Janeiro early this morning," he related.

Dubya's reaction was the purest disbelief and grief. Looking gravely over at the man who broke the news, he asked, "You're absolutely sure about the number?"

Somewhat bewildered, the aide replied, "Yes, Mr. President. It's been positively confirmed."

Tears of sorrow welled up in Bush's eyes.

"This is an unparalleled tragedy," he continued after he had composed himself. "Tell me... how many exactly is a brazillion?"

 

[dentrag1231]

A biologist, an engineer, and a physicist are sitting in a bar, having a drink together, looking at the building across the street. They notice 2 people walk into a house, and shortly thereafter, 3 people walk out. Perplexed and surprised, they began discussing among themselves how that was possible.

"It's most likely" said the physicist "that our initial observation was inaccurate."

"No" countered the biologist "The number of people was observed by 3 separate measurements. The only real explanation is that the 2 people reproduced when inside the house"

"Both those theories are preposterous" said the mathematician. "If someone else goes into the house, it will be empty."

 

[Low_Roads]

A little penguin, on vacation from his Antarctic home, was driving through the Death Valley desert. He was enjoying the magnificent scenery and not minding the punishing heat in the slightest because of his car's superb air conditioning system, when all of a sudden the engine began to knock and the vehicle completely broke down. Fortunately, he was close to a small desert town. While the coyote garage mechanic fiddled around under the hood, the sweltering penguin looked desperately for some form of relief.

"What do you guys do to keep cool in this berg?" he asked the coyote as he mopped his sweating brow.

"Well," said the mechanic, "the movie theater's air-conditioned. So is the gay bar. There's also a market down the street that sells cold pop and ice cream."

So the penguin headed toward the convenience store to check out the frozen novelty selection. He bought himself a whole gallon of vanilla ice cream, went out back and stuck his head right into the carton. For a full half hour he enjoyed the sensation as the melting ice cream ran down his body, lowering his temperature and soothing his parched skin like lotion. Afterward, he waddled, gooey but pleased, toward the garage to check on the repair progress.

"So how's it coming, pal?" he questioned the mechanic.

Without looking up from his work, the coyote replied, "Looks like you blew a seal, mister."

"You got it all wrong!" the penguin dithered frantically. "I never went anywhere near the gay bar!"

 

[dentrag1231]

A cloud of helium walks into a bar. Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye, in the absence of another object to contain it it should quickly dissipate. Furthermore, a cloud of helium, lacking any sort of motor system, is at the mercy of atmospheric currents and cannot enter a bar under its own power. It should not have been capable of opening the door to the bar. Even if it could, hypothetically, propel itself in such a manner, the lack of any semblance of a nervous system would make meaningful coordination difficult, if not impossible. And, if the cloud of helium has no nervous system, how can it think to enter a bar? How can it be self-conscious enough to know that it desires a drink? To question it is to question the nature of the self itself. What is the self? Is the self the physical body? But when the body is wounded, and, say, a limb is lost, the removed tissue is no longer considered part of the self. Is the self the consciousness? Yet nobody denies that an individual is no longer himself when he sleeps. Is the self a spiritual force, invisible and nebulous like the helium which provokes these questions? No scientific, empirical evidence of such exists; it is the domain of scholars, priests, and mortals who chase the shadows of the unknown. Who could say? It is a question that mankind has struggled to solve since the dawn of time without success.

The bartender is facing an existential crisis when he recalls the bar's policy towards noble gases and his psyche is once again put at ease. "You're going to have to leave, we don't serve your kind here," he says, grunting at the mass of atoms.

The helium doesn't react.

 

[Low_Roads]

A dairy farmer noticed one of his best milk cows out in field stumbling around and bumping into the fence posts. He looked her over carefully and found to his dismay that the animal was cross-eyed. Immediately, he loaded her into a trailer and took her to the animal hospital.

"Don't worry," the vet told him, "I've seen this before and know exactly what to do."

The vet produced a length of rubber tubing from a cabinet, inserted one end into the cow's anus and blew mightily into the other. Sure enough, the Holstein's crossed eyes gradually corrected themselves.

"That'll be $200.00," the vet stated. "If the condition reoccurs, bring her back for further treatment."

Well, everything was fine for several weeks. Soon again, however, the farmer saw his prize cow weaving through the pasture, cross-eyed once more. Though she clearly needed another session with the vet, the thought of spending $200 (and who knew how many more times to come!) gave him pause. After all, he had rubber hose on the ranch... why shouldn't he save the expense. He therefore summoned one of his farmhands to hold Bossy while he inserted the tube and puffed away like mad.

"Any change?" the winded farmer asked.

"Nope," replied the ranch hand.

"Tarnation! Reckon I'm too blamed old ta summon up enough wind. But you're a hardy youngster... come on over here and give it a try while I hold the rope."

So the two switched places. Before starting, however, the burly young man yanked out the hose and stuffed the clean end down the cow's rump. He then popped soiled portion into his mouth.

"What the devil'd ya do that fer?" the farmer cried, amazed.

"Didn't expect me ta use the same end, did ya?" the farm hand replied indignantly. "Ya had yer mouth all over it!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A widowed woman lived out on a lonely ranch with her dullard son. Since this was a remote rural region, they had no access to convenience stores; however, most of their wants could be supplied from neighboring farms. It therefore happened that when they ran short of diary products she would send the lad to see farmer Jones, who owned milk cows and poultry.

One day she told him, "son, we're nearly out of milk. Go visit farmer Jones and fetch back a quart."

"Oh," she added after some thought, "and if he happens to have eggs today, bring back a dozen."

Well, sonny left on his errand, but didn't come back for hours and hours. Ma had just about figured he'd become distracted and forgotten all about his chore, when she finally saw him staggering home, loaded down with twelve bottles of milk.

"You're such a ninny!" she cried in despair. "I should know better than to trust you with the simplest task! How could you have gotten my instructions so wrong!"

"Heck, Ma," the lad murmured dully, "I did just like you told me. You said go see farmer Jones and fetch back a quart of milk, right?"

"That's right," his mother hotly replied.

"But if he had eggs today, I was to bring back a dozen, right?"

"That's what I told you, yes. So?"

"So... he had eggs today."