Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Low_Roads]

Some researchers decided to perform a series of vital experiments to test a dog's abilities. They selected a test animal, then cut off his left front leg.

"Here, dog," they called. "Come here."

The dog hobbled, but was able to answer their command.

They busily jotted down the results, then snipped off the dog's right front leg. Again they called... the dog balanced on his hind-limbs and was able to walk to them.

After further note-taking, they removed their test subject's left rear leg. Once more they called... the dog laboriously hopped to them on his one remaining leg.

Another round of documentation. Finally, they removed the dog's right rear leg and called for him. The dog just lay there. The researchers completed their report and submitted the results:

1. Amputated dog's left fore-limb: no change.

2. Amputated dog's right fore-limb: no change.

3. Amputated dog's left hind-limb: no change.

4. Amputated dog's right hind-limb: dog went deaf.

 

[Low_Roads]

Australian customs agent: Profession?

British tourist: Banker.

Customs agent: Reason for visiting Australia?

British tourist : On holiday.

Customs agent: Any criminal record?

British tourist: Good lord! Is that still a prerequisite?

* * *

Polish customs agent: Name?

German tourist: Hans Schmidt.

Polish customs agent: Occupation?

German Tourist: Nein, mein herr. Only visiting.

 

[Low_Roads]

One birthday is okay, but too many can kill you.

* * *​

Thank god for time... it keeps things from happening all at once.

* * *​

That man doesn't know the meaning of fear. He can't spell very well, either.

* * *​

Yeah, I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".

* * *​

A thief broke into my house and stole everything but the soap, the dirty bastard!

* * *​

It was a really moving wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

* * *​

Most guys let women make fools of them. Me, I'm a do-it-yourself type.

* * *​

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you've already got one

* * *​

The difference between a slut and a bitch: a slut will have sex with anyone; a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

* * *​

It's all a matter of perspective... to the lobsters in the ship's galley, the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle.

 

[Low_Roads]

A middle aged couple decided to get themselves smart phones, with texting capabilities. The husband, a rather taciturn guy, wasn't sure they really needed such a thing, but his wife was the romantic sort who wanted constantly to be in contact and he decided to humor her.

One day at work, out the blue, he received this text:

"Dear husband...

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!"

The husband typed back:

"Am on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[Low_Roads]

A blonde saunters into a hair salon wearing a pair of headphones. When the stylist asks her to remove them, she pitches a fit.

"I can't take them off!" she moans. "I just can't!"

The stylist finally gives up and starts to work on her hair, phones still covering her ears. Obviously, he isn't getting very far.

Then he notices his customer's become totally engrossed in a soap opera on the salon TV. She's so hypnotized by the show, he figures, "She'll never notice if I slip the phones off now."

Sure enough, she sits there placidly while he completes the job. Half an hour later, he asks her how she likes the finished cut. The girls just sits there. He checks closer and is surprised to see that she is dead.

The cops are called. In the course of their investigation, one of them spots the discarded headphones. He places one of the speakers to his ear and hears the following recording:

"... inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale..."

 

[Low_Roads]

Two blondes were taking a nature hike when they came across a set of tracks.

"Ever see tracks like those before?" the first blonde asked.

"Nope," the other replied. "Wonder what they belong to."

"I'll bet they're.... wolf tracks!" the first chirpped.

"Wolf tracks?! No way! They're probably bear tracks."

"I don't think so. Moose tracks, maybe."

"Or deer tracks. They might be deer tracks."

"That's crazy talk! If anything, they're big cat tracks. Like from a puma."

So the argument went on for hours as the two stood in the midst of those tracks, trying to determine what they belonged to.

They stayed there so long, both of them were eventually run over by the train.

 

[Low_Roads]

I know this blonde who keeps two glasses on her nightstand. One of them is full of water and the other is empty. She has the latter just in case she wakes up in the middle of the night and isn't thirsty.

* * *​

It's impossible to run through a camp ground. You can only "ran" through a camp ground, since it's past tents.

* * *​

All the German names were recently deleted from the phone directory. It's now Hans free.

* * *​

Jogging can wear you out. I used to jog in front of traffic, but finally became tired. Now I jog behind traffic, but it's no better. I find myself constantly exhausted.

* * *​

Any impatient man who steps off a cliff will find that he's leapt to a conclusion.

* * *​

Wanna spend time with a pretty little nurse? Just be a little patient.

* * *​

Hear about the pair of thieves who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

* * *​

Drive like hell and you're sure to get there.

* * *​

I practice the most degrading fetish ever, spanking statues. Yep... I've hit rock bottom.

* * *​

I linked all my old wrist watches together to form a belt. It seemed like a good idea at first, but now I see it as a waist of time.

* * *​

The prehistoric pteranodon used to urinate without any of the surrounding dinosaurs noticing. That's because the "P" is silent.

* * *​

I couldn't afford a brand-new forearm prosthesis, so I picked one up cheap at the second-hand store.

* * *​

The ladies used to call me "Ugly" till they found out how much I make. Now they call me "Poor and Ugly".

 

[MistressValerie1]

Two that I thought were funny from a British comedy segment, via Xbiz:

Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.

Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

 

[Low_Roads]

I hear that the new dinosaur in "Jurassic World" is a hybrid. Guess that makes it Prius-toric.

* * *​

I'm only 17 and my damn eyesight becomes worse every day. Can't wait for this "adult super vision" to kick in.

* * *​

I think I ran into a gay guy in the public restroom. He kept giving me funny looks while I was trying to take a dump. It made me so nervous, I had to move over two urinals just to get away from him.

* * *​

My brother's developed an uncontrollable fear of giants. He calls it Feefiphobia.

* * *​

I nearly witnessed a murder yesterday. Fortunately, only one crow showed up.

* * *​

Don't crowd astronauts. They need their space.

* * *​

The Russians should have known their communist system would fail. There were plenty of red flags.

* * *​

Q: How many corpses does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Can't say. The answer isn't seven, though... my basement's still dark.

* * *​

I'm so pleased! My ex-girlfriend misses me!

Her aim's getting better, though.

 

[Low_Roads]

A wife is entertaining her lover in the bedroom, when she hears her husband heading up the stairs.

"Oh Christ!" she cries. "He's home early! Quick, in here!" And she hurries the man into the closet.

"Slut!" the cuckold storms at his faithless wife. "Don't try to deceive me! You have a man up here and I'm going to murder him!"

After a short search, he throws open the closet door.

"Aha!" the husband thunders. "Found you!"

The man thinks fast and replies, "Just doing my job, sir. I'm the exterminator."

"Exterminator, eh?" the husband scowls.

"That's right, pal. And it's a good thing your wife called me... you've got some real bad infestations. Been battling the little bastards all day... got rid of three dozen cockroaches, a huge swarms of flies and two colonies of ants. Who knows what I'll run into next!"

The husband narrows his eyes.

"If you're an exterminator, what the hell are you doing inside my closet... naked?"

The man starts in mock surprise and scans himself up and down.

"Well I'll be! Damned moths!"

 

[Low_Roads]

I modified my racing snail... removed his shell to see if he'd go any faster. Unfortunately, it only made him more sluggish.

A movie just came out based on the Tetris video game. I hear it's a blockbuster!

I have a special skill... I can swallow two separate pieces of string and pass 'em out tied together! I shit you knot!

I tried to play frisbee with my dog, but it didn't work out. He just wasn't flat enough.

I hate those damn Russian nesting dolls! They're so full of themselves!

Never try to sell a buzzard luggage. They're only interested in carrion.

I'm so proud of myself... a man knocked on my door today, seeking donations for a public swimming pool. I gave him a full gallon!

Some thieves broke into the police station and stole the toilet. The cops would like to solve this crime, but they have nothing to go on.

I've chosen to use an elevator instead of the public restroom. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level!

Those who fail History are doomed to repeat it.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't.

Our local doctor gets rid of amputated body parts by handing them out around the neighborhood. He gives me the willies!

Donald Trump is opposed to pre-shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.

You don't often hear jokes about the Jonestown massacre. That's because the punchline's too long.

A pirate goes to night school to learn how to read. He begins by learning alphabet. The letter "P" makes him the happiest... without it, he's simply irate.

If you plan to pass judgement on a person, make sure you first walk a mile in his shoes. For starters, you'll be a mile away from him. Plus, you'll have his shoes.

 

[Low_Roads]

Q: What's the difference between a barrow full of sand and a barrow full of babies?

A: You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.

* * *​

I spent my last ten dollars on calamine lotion to soothe the terrible itch of poison oak. I admit, it was a rash decision.

* * *​

Our gardener was terrified of his profession until he grew himself a pear.

* * *​

I once beat a whole bowl of chickpeas to a pulp. It was a clear case of premeditated hummiside.

* * *​

My neighbor's dog kept me awake all night. I must not have cooked it properly.

* * *​

A man walked into a bar and demanded a cold drink. Took the bartender 15 minutes to find the cough syrup.

* * *​

No need to wear glasses on your ass. Hindsight is 20/20.

* * *​

The fire department's Dalmatian ran off, but they should have no trouble finding him. He's already been spotted.

* * *​

2000 pounds of Chinese soup amounts to wonton.

* * *​

Surgeons removed most of my large intestine. All I have left is a semicolon.

* * *​

Believe it not, that guy was born with five penises. He has trouble finding comfortable pants, but his condoms fit like a glove.

* * *​

I can't stand careless people who lose their lower extremities. Guess you could say I'm lack-toes intolerant.

* * *​

Labrador dogs are a cool breed, but I'm leery about getting one. Have you noticed how many of their owners go blind?

* * *​

There's the mathematician who created the concept of zero! Hey you! Thanks for nothing!

* * *​

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Strip?

A: To get to the other... oh hell...

 

[Low_Roads]

A salami checked into the hospital.

"Doctor, can you help me?"

"No need!" replied the medico. "You're already cured!"

* * *​

My brother lost his leg in an accident. He asked me to recommend a restaurant where his amputee support group might hold their annual get-together. Guess I shouldn't have suggested IHop...

* * *​

Thank you, student loans, for sending me through college! I can never repay you!

* * *​

My necrophiliac pal is down in the dumps. Seems his rotten girlfriend split on him.

* * *​

A couple of guys showed up at my door... you know, the kind who claim you need to be "saved" or suffer in flames. Ha! I told 'em to get lost! Damned firefighters!

* * *​

I attended a retreat last week to help control my ADHD. It was a concentration camp.

* * *​

In a pensive mood, I sometimes sit in front of the mirror for hours, simply reflecting.

* * *​

How many feet are there in a yard? Depends on how many friends you invite to your lawn party.

* * *​

My best buddy is a dwarf. The poor guy got his pocket picked yesterday! How could anybody stoop so low!

* * *​

The American flag erected on the Moon by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin has been bleached completely white by the unfiltered effects of solar radiation. That's just great! Now future generations will think the French got there first!

* * *​

Diarrhea is definitely hereditary. It runs in your jeans.

* * *​

Oh fine! Now my doctor informs me that I'm morbidly obese! As if I didn't have enough on my plate!

* * *​

Two hobos decided to have sex on a freight train. They were eager to join the Mile Long Club.

* * *​

If I had a dollar for every time I got laid... I guess I'd be a prostitute.

* * *​

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer... dunno what he laced 'em with, but I've been tripping all day.

* * *​

A cargo ship loaded with red paint collided with another cargo ship loaded with purple paint. Both vessels are currently marooned.

* * *​

I recently left my job. Couldn't work for that man anymore... not after what he said to me.

He told me I was fired.

 

[Low_Roads]

A drunk at the bar fumbles for his change and knocks a couple of quarters into the spittoon. He fishes two more quarters from his pocket, deposits them too, then reaches in to retrieve all four coins.

"Whad'ya do that for?" cries the guy standing next to him.

The drunk looks indignant.

"You don't think I'd stick my hand into that mess for less than a dollar, do you?"

 

[arachnid95]

A man was walking along the beach one day when he was surprised to see a porpoise stranded on the shore. It looked at him with sad eyes, and the man couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor thing. So without a second thought, he immediately rushed to the creature's side and, with a little effort, was able to push it into the water. He was about to continue on his way, happy that he'd been able to help it, when he was shocked to hear it speak!

"I thank you, sir, for assisting me!" it said, flipping happily in the water.

"W-What? You... you can talk??" stammered the amazed man, kneeling at the water's edge to get a better look at it.

"And that's not all I can do! You see, sir, I happen to be possessed of magical powers, powers that allow me to live forever, and to grant wishes, and I would like to thank you for helping me by granting you your heart's desire. Unfortunately, before I can do that, I'm going to need your help again..."

The man wasn't greedy, but the idea of having his greatest wish fulfilled certainly pleased him, so he nodded his head emphatically. "Whatever you need, I'll do it!"

"Well, you see... this is going to sound strange..." began the porpoise, "But my powers run out every century or so, and in order to keep them going, I require the aid of two myna birds which live in South Africa. I need you to travel there, retrieve them for me, and return with them, so that they can reinstate my magic and allow me to grant your wish."

This seemed like a lot of work to the man, but he was only too happy to oblige; after all, not everyone has the opportunity to receive his heart's desire! So he agreed to help the porpoise and traveled to South Africa, where, after a few days' searching, he was finally ale to find the birds in question. He put them into two birdcages and started back to the airport so he could bring them back to the magical porpoise, but before too long, he found his path blocked by a sleeping lion. There was no room to go around it, and he sure as hell didn't want to wake the beast, so he decided the best course of action would be to very, very carefully step over it.

He managed to surpass the lion without waking it and, with a sigh of relief, continued on his way. But not five minutes later, he was suddenly stopped by a police officer.

"Just what are you doing there, son?" demanded the cop. The man knew that he must look very strange, carrying a pair of myna birds in cages, so he decided it would be best to simply level with the officer. So, not sure at all that he would believe him, he told him his wild story, from meeting the porpoise to finding the birds to stepping over the sleeping lion--every single detail.

Upon concluding his story, the cop nodded knowingly and said, "Well, that's some story son, but I believe you. Unfortunately, though, I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."

"WHAT??" the man exclaimed as he was handcuffed. "Why?? What am I being charged with?"

As the cop pushed the man into his car, he said: "You're under arrest for transporting mynas across stately lions for immortal porpoises."

 

[Low_Roads]

A Spanish magician told his audience he'd make himself disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos...", then poof! He vanished without a tres!

* * *​

I've heard that England doesn't approve of kidney banks. It does, however, tolerate a Liverpool.

* * *​

Darth Vader got himself an iPhone. He had to, since he couldn't find the Droid he was after.

* * *​

Around 90 AD, two competing Roman senators claimed leadership. The Empire was divided... exactly the result you'd expect from a pair of Caesars.

* * *​

I bought a gallon's worth of White Out the other day. Big mistake.

* * *​

"I'm so damned fat, I haven't seen my dick in three years."

"So, why don't you diet?"

"Sounds Good! What color is it now?"

* * *​

We ought to be naming hurricanes after politicians. That way, we wouldn't have to worry about them arriving on time or delivering anything.

* * *​

If "pro" is the opposite of "con", then what's the natural opposite of progress? Must be Congress.

* * *​

If I had a dollars for every girl who found me unattractive... I imagine most of them would start to find me attractive.

* * *​

In elementary school, my teachers constantly gave me detention for writing exclusively in upper case letters. I was the first youngster ever subjected to capital punishment.

* * *​

My brother was skittish about getting a brain transplant, but he soon changed his mind.

* * *​

I don't know about the Urban Dictionary... most of its contributors come off like they're using drugs. You might say it's high definition.

* * *​

A woman can turn a man into a millionaire. But only if he's a billionaire...

 

[Low_Roads]

This coffee tastes like mud. Makes sense... it was ground just this morning.

* * *​

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a drink... and a mop.

* * *​

I must be out of my mind! I used up a whole box of golden tissue paper! Blew a fortune!

* * *​

Aromatic candles, half price! Buying many makes lots of scents!

* * *​

I've been diagnosed with both schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices, but not long enough to drive me crazy.

* * *​

Think I sympathize with all the unfortunate people who suffer from a deficit of dietary fiber? To them I say, tough shit!

* * *​

The gender-proper title for the course is His-story. That's because it's written by the Victors.

* * *​

When life gives you melons... it's a good sign you're dyslexic.

* * *​

After years of trying, Einstein finally developed his theory about space. About time, too!

* * *​

While I was out of town, a thief broke into my house and stole my dictionary. I can't find the words to express my outrage!

* * *​

One tectonic plate blunders into another.

"Whose fault is this?" he rumbles."

* * *​

Seven wheelchair athletes were banned from the Paralympics... seems they tested positive for WD40.

* * *​

What do you call a transgender person who's had a child?

Transparent.

* * *​

You frequently see lovers' names carved into tree trunks. A lot of people find this endearing... me, I'm a little concerned about the number of folks who bring knives along on dates.

 

[TKLVR181]

Seven wheelchair athletes were banned from the Paralympics... seems they tested positive for WD40.

Okay, I have to admit that cracked me up xD

~K

 

[Low_Roads]

Thanks Karen! Glad you liked it!

 

[Low_Roads]

Today I found an S&M magazine under my son's pillow. He needs to be punished, but I suppose spanking him is pointless.

I'm so grateful my teacher defined the word "plethora" for me! It means a lot!

Have phone sex... risk hearing AIDS.

I've finally figured out the difference between a bandit and a politician. A bandit runs after he steals your money.

God knew what he was doing when he positioned the nose on the middle of the face. After all, it's the scenter.

A busty lady just beat the crap out of me in an elevator. I should'a been more circumspect when she followed me in and said, "Press one, please."

My wife and I have what we call Olympic Sex. Not that it's energetic... we just wait every four years.

I think we made a big mistake adopting that rescue dog. We've had him for a week and he hasn't saved anyone yet.

One of my psychiatric patients came to me complaining of paranoia. He claimed he was being watched. I'm quite disappointed... he looked perfectly normal in his bath this morning.

My doctor tells me I have constipation. Meh... I really don't give a shit.

Will Smith must have walked past my house. I saw the fresh prints.

Today, some joker told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people, in case you don't get it.

That girl looks like she fell straight to Earth from Heaven! 'Course, you could say the same thing about Lucifer...

I was eager to marry my English teacher once she got out of prison, but she told me it was improper to end a sentence with a proposition.

Hear about the dyslexic goat who showed up at a toga party?...

Dick has a miserable life: his hair is a mess, his family are nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his boss slaps him around.

Nuns wear the same damned thing day after day after day. Guess it's a habit.

My co-worker claims he gets 20 times more sex than I do. Fool! 20 times zero is still zero!

 

[Low_Roads]

O'hara worked in a brewery. One day his wife received a call from the brewmaster, informing her that her husband had fallen into the beer vat and drowned.

"How horrible!" cried Mrs. O'hara. "Tell me... did he suffer much?"

"I doubt it," replied the brewmaster. "He climbed out three times to pee."

 

[Low_Roads]

I went on a scavenger hunt last week. Shot two vultures and a jackal.

I tried to sneak a pee in the public pool, but the lifeguard noticed. He shouted so loud, I almost fell in.

Why did the tuna cross the ocean? To get to the other tide.

I once made a sandwich out of leftovers... one slice of whole wheat and one slice of rye. Think of it as a hy-bread.

My incontinence made me so miserable I finally had to break down and try adult diapers. Now I'm a changed man!

Livestock breeders are attempting to develop a cow with no legs. They think it'll be perfect for ground beef.

I once wandered into the wrong hotel room and caught a gorgeous woman having sex with a comedian. It was pretty fucking funny!

Hear about the guy who had a heart attack at the culmination of a sex act? It confused him so much he didn't know if he was coming or going.

My wife told me I could never build a car out of linguini. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

That young boat is running wild! Must be pier pressure.

My buddy David had his ID stolen. We have to call him "Dav" now.

A baby was born without any eyelids. The doctor made repairs by circumcising him, then using pieces of his foreskin as replacements. The kid's basically okay now, just a little cockeyed.

I'm single by choice. Not mine... every gal I've asked has said no.

 

[Senshi1]

Hahaha, I hadn't heard a lot of those. 😛 Always a treat to see your name cropping up in here! (For some reason the one about Dav's "id" cracked me up)

 

[Low_Roads]

Thanks a lot, Senshi! I was lucky to have run across the "David" joke! It tickled me too!

 

[Low_Roads]

I like to get high by drinking brake fluid. My friends worry about it, but I can stop anytime I want to.

An idiot pirate tried to improve himself by learning the alphabet, but it didn't end well. He got lost at C.

My wife's family tree must be a cactus. Everybody on it is a prick.

Hear about the guy who drowned in his fruit salad? He was pulled in by a strong currant.

My grades have never been very good, but I'm proud to say I got an A on my Hepatitis test.

My morbid fear of elevators is so strong, I've taken steps to address it.

I have a second killer phobia: the steep hill outside my house. I'm slowly getting over it.

I'll never approve of cereal killing. It goes against the grain.

The guy driving next to me was texting. His crappy driving habits got me so irritated, I chucked a gin bottle at him.

I tried to enter the library, but it did no good. The place was booked solid.

Jose's wife hid his bottle, so he tossed her down the well. He wanted tequila.

I always get hungry when I put on a cowboy outfit. Must be the ranch dressing.

Scientists have used stem cells to grow human vocal cords in a Petri dish. The Catholic Church may raise objections, but the results speak for themselves.