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Thoughts about vanilla/kinky lifestyles

tklee88

3rd Level Blue Feather
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
5,532
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So here is my situation.

I became very active between the months of August 2009-July2010. I played all the time. Kink was such a part of my life and I was so involved that I literally let it take control of everything. During the middle of last summer I decided to take a little break from the kink world. I started dating a nice little vanilla boy, and needless to say other than Bella Bash, I haven't been playing "kinky".

I enjoy my sex life very much. Even though it's not kinky in the way of getting tied down to the bed and tickled, we still have subtle hints of s/m during our "play".

The way I'm feeling now, I honestly don't feel the need to have "play" as regularly as I was. I think when I started, I was just starting to explore the whole idea of "sex"(even though I wouldn't have sex until later). Now, I have a sexual partner regularly and I think that's why I haven't felt the "desire" for play. I would still like to play once in a while...but my thoughts towards having to have it are different now. I used to say I would never be with anyone who didn't share my fetish, but that wasn't working either. Basically I'm discovering that a real and loving relationship is much more important to me than the type of physical pleasure I'm getting. Yay for being a grown-up? haha 😛.

Now, I'd like to open the floor. What do you think about going from a kinky lifestyle back to a vanilla lifestyle and vice versa? Do you think you can lose an interest over time? Can you be kinky and vanilla at the same time?
 
i don't think you can loose interest after time in my opinion, but i would say it would be hard for me to go from one to the other guess i just like my tickling to much heh
 
I think everyone can out grow something even if it is something you enjoyed...or use to enjoy. Lots of people stop doing things they like and its normal. Its cool you enjoy your relationship and everything thats you two have been doin together. Also I do think someone can be kinky and still be normal but what is normal in a relationship or in general? lol sometimes your in a mood to do one thing at a certain time and the next your not in the mood
 
I don't have any lifestyle, really. I just roll Comfort Eagle style and this is all just a part of that.
 
I think the way you're feeling is perfectly natural.

I know my sexual interests now are not exactly the same as they were ten years ago, and I have no doubt they'll shift over the next ten. But even without that, there's no shame in abandoning a 'kinky' lifestyle in favour of a loving relationship. There's no such thing as a vanilla person (or relationship) anyway; it's all about comfort and how we all decide to act out our perverted fantasies on each other. Yay for being grown-up indeed. 🙂
 
What do you think about going from a kinky lifestyle back to a vanilla lifestyle and vice versa? Do you think you can lose an interest over time? Can you be kinky and vanilla at the same time?

Everything can get old after a while, especially if you are getting a lot of it. I see it already with tickling clips. When I started to realize I wasn't alone with my fetish, just about every little short bit of tickling clip got me going. Now, it really REALLY has to be very specific to still do something for me.

Personally, kinky play is like ice cream....it's great, but I really don't have to have it every day, or it will take the adventure out of it.
 
I totally get what you're saying. For me, being in a loving and meaningful relationship seems to not squash my kinky side but instead it feeds all of the other sides of me that were neglected for so long. So when I was single, I could just put on a clip, take care of business and that was that........I got my "fix" so to speak.

Now I have the others sides of me being emotional fed and taken care of, it feels kind of nice to be able to put some focus on that. Sure, the kinky side of me is still there but it's not all I think about. There is so much more besides tickling to me. I adore tickling still and it's part of who I am but - it feels much better to feel loved at the end of the day.

So yes, I think things can go in cycles. Hell, I've been off of the forum for months and months at a time because I just didn't care about "getting my fix." Was too busy dealing with real life and being tickled, watching people be tickled, etc., was just not at the top of my list at the time. My interest came back of course so for me, it just goes up and down.

And now I have someone to share ALL sides of me with. It's a great feeling.

Glad to hear that you're doing well. 🙂 :twohugs:
 
Personally, kinky play is like ice cream....it's great, but I really don't have to have it every day, or it will take the adventure out of it.

I like this hehehe

Thanks for the replies 🙂. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.
 
I know how you feel. I get more into tickling when I'm not emotionally involved with anyone. Perhaps kinks can be used as a surrogate for deeper emotional involvement (and sometimes that's OK).

As I became more comfortable with my tickling kink, I decided to explore the greater kinky world. I had the opportunity to do that last summer here in New York, where there are all kinds of groups who meet on a regular basis. I met someone who became something of a regular play partner for a good part of the summer.

But since then I've dated mostly vanilla girls, but also one girl I met here on the TMF, and a girl who was pretty masochistic but not ticklish at all. I realized that I don't enjoy causing pain that's more than a little slap, bite, or pinch.

My most fulfilling relationships have been the ones not grounded in kink. When I meet someone from the TMF (if it's not explicitly agreed beforehand it's just to play), I treat it like a date. And at NEST the best sessions were with those I had romantic chemistry.

My play partner from last summer has been encouraging me to go to kinky events. She's convinced that I'm a "kinky person" and the other day challenged me to "come out" as kinky, whatever that means. But even if you could divide people into two groups ("kinky" and "vanilla," which I think is a false dichotomy), I wouldn't fall into the "kinky" category. I'm a guy who happens to have a kink, and that's tickling. When I go to (or host) events, it's more like indulging a hobby than declaring some kind of lifestyle.

Tickling is a part of who I am, but my sexuality and emotional fabric encompasses so much more. And I only have so much time to devote to my social life and dating. When push comes to shove, I don't see myself as part of the "kinky community." As cheesy as it sounds, I'm looking for love. And I'm more likely to find--and be compatible with--a vanilla girl who enjoys tickling than a "kinky" girl who does. Seriously. The proportion of people into BDSM who enjoy tickling is lower than that in the general population.

A word about tickle gatherings. I feel a sense of camaraderie with fellow tickle fetishists. It's nice to be able to talk about it openly. I'm also grateful for the opportunity I had to become active in the tickling community, and want to continue to enable people to explore. So I've stayed active, and I'm even hosting a munch next week. (Check the Gatherings section!) Because of the gatherings I've attended and all the awesome people there, I'm more comfortable bringing tickling into my general romantic life. So thank you.
 
My thoughts are, there is no such thing as Vanilla (other then a flavoring). Everybody has something that gets them going. They may not have realized it yet but nobody is truly vanilla.
 
I tried to have a normal, loving, emotional relationship. It was the most miserable four years of my life (besides high school). I'm rather disturbed by the assertion that not having (or not wanting) a loving relationship keeps you from being a "grown up". People don't always want the same things out of life.
 
It's all good as long as you're happy. If you're happy with your current relationship and are happy getting your play fix from gatherings and your TMF friends and he's cool with letting you go off to gatherings for play, you're set for life. 🙂

SS
 
i think a kink/fetish is always a part of who you are- giving it up completely is like giving up a part of yourself. if its truly a kink/fetish, after a while you really start to feel like part of you is missing. however, that doesnt mean one has to par-take in it 24/7 either... my boyfriend and i play a lot, but we also have a lot of times where we are just us and enjoy doing many 'vanilla' things together... depends on the people i suppose
 
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