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piyr

TMF Expert
Joined
Oct 13, 2005
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421
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I'm going through the process of trying to learn more about why I am the way I am, how I got to be this way, and how suppressing who I am can be quite damaging. I came along this short article by a therapist that gives a nice general overview of the how's and why's of the development of sexual proclivities that are considered out of the norm: http://www.therapywithcare.com/Article_Fetish.html. The bottom line is that in and of themselves they are ok and nothing to feel shame about. For many of you this may be nothing new but I thought that it may help a few others so I thought I'd share. Personally I think I've always known that but the fact that it was never easy to talk about or that I felt like I would be thought of as weird by a girl friend or spouse made me realize that despite being "OK with it, I really wasn't. Disclaimer: this is a therapist's website. I don't know or endorse this person, I just found it interesting.
 
This is an excellent article that all of us should read. It should give all fetishists a sense of being OK with your particular sexual kink.
 
It certainly took me a long time to accept my erotic interests and I wish I had done so at a younger age.
Thanks for the link. 😀
 
I facebooked it. To hell with the repressive clowns- let's make their heads explode! Those who cannot deal with homosexuality as an issue will have an extremely hard time wrapping their heads around these issues, but then again, who needs them running society? Down with conformists.
 
This article is awesome, so you are awesome for posting it. Seriously, this helped me a lot.
 
As much as I want to feel normalized.....I just keep pressing it down...
 
Not to hijack, but.....what IS the healthiest way to have fetishes?

Half to 3/4 of the time girls reject me on my fetishes alone. The others I date once, then never again, or last in short relationships.

I don't tie, I rarely screw, I'm extremely nice about it....the last date I had the girl I met got pissed with me over asking if she would ever visit me when she had transportation and blocked me online with zero warning (I traveled over an hour both ways to meet her).....and this is some "holier than thou" preacher girl who wants to talk guys up in kink! I thought the date was actually good.....

Don't get me wrong but sometimes I wonder how much more I can hold onto myself.
 
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duderino84, since you are stuck with a fetish in this life the best way to have a fetish is to be up front with it as the occasion dictates. A psychologist once said, "You are as sick as your secrets". I have found that to be a key to normalization. Own your fetish and get out of the closet and you will feel much better. And, sure, you will alienate some women along the way, but who cares? There are lots of women around and eventually you will find one who will accommodate you and your fetish. Practically everyone I know knows that I have a foot fetish and guess what? Nobody gives a shit. Once when I was talking to my current girlfriend, I asked her if my foot tickling fetish bothered her. She said, "No, a foot fetish is nothing". Most people feel that way. For that matter, most people probably have some sort of kink that they keep secret. Very few are only turned on by missionary sex alone. Case in point, a number of tears ago I dated a very proper lady. She seemed to into nothing but screwing. Once though, when she was drunk, she stuck her finger up my butt while we were having sex and this seemed to excite her. I am sure that that was something that she never revealed to anyone, but she definitely had a kink. I say all of that to say this, enjoy your fetish, because you are stuck with it. If anyone doesn't like it you don't need them in your life.
 
duderino84 said:
Not to hijack, but.....what IS the healthiest way to have fetishes?

Half to 3/4 of the time girls reject me on my fetishes alone. The others I date once, then never again, or last in short relationships.

I don't tie, I rarely screw, I'm extremely nice about it....the last date I had the girl I met got pissed with me over asking if she would ever visit me when she had transportation and blocked me online with zero warning (I traveled over an hour both ways to meet her).....and this is some "holier than thou" preacher girl who wants to talk guys up in kink! I thought the date was actually good.....

Don't get me wrong but sometimes I wonder how much more I can hold onto myself.
Click to expand...

Dude, I myself am totally comfortable with my fetish. I didn't start out that way, and I'm a little sad that that's the case, but in regardless of when I started with this, I know there's a whole world of vanilla people who are closed minded because they are scared of our mental freedom, or feel like if we had a chance, we'd act our fetishes on them. idk what was in those girls' heads but it probably was the wrong idea about your fetish. I told my bf before I agreed to date him about mine, and even though he's not very good at all, our relationship is more than that, but includes it. Who knows.... you might find someone who literally loves it like I do. All it takes is patience. I mean, hey, nobody even seemed to notice me until my second semester of college. Tickling not even included. I feel ya man, but it just takes a bit of patience.
 
That's a great start for anyone who is seriously profoundly distressed about their own sexuality. There's nothing innately wrong with finding that you're turned on by completely unusual things, nor with other people being turned on by completely different things. Too often, sexual idiosyncrasies have been characterized as just plainly "wrong," which is…*wrong. : )

There's a cautionary and separate distinction to be made between basic acceptance of the way you are, and actually creeping out or hurting other people who want nothing to do with it -- which really is wrong -- but the latter should not and need not be an implication of the former. Even for the most bizarre things, there are at least a few people who love them and might really be interested in sharing them with you. That's exactly why we have places like this!

And even those with particularly unusual interests can actually use the forum to potentially even increase others' appreciation by honestly sharing and exploring out loud using discussion, art, stories, and all that. I've found more than once in the past that I share certain common feelings with others with seemingly unrelated fetishes.
 
duderino84, no worries, your not hijacking and if you are then I'm going to join you and it's my thread so we're ok. I'm not qualified to give advice here but it's important to define normal. We're this way because of our biology and how our brains associated our past experiences in a way that formed our sexuality. We're a product of nature and in that regard we're as normal as anyone else. We're not broken, weird, or any other label that others may try to assign to us, or more importantly, that we may assign to ourselves. That's where destructive forces like guilt and shame come into play that can affect our self worth. We have to be careful not to define normal as "like everyone else". We're not in the meat of the bell curve of turn-ons but that's o.k. because there's so much healthy variation in human sexuality that finding a compatible partner is more about both of you being able to communicate your likes and dislikes than finding someone that shares the exact same interest with the exact same intensity. That's easier said than done for many including me. For me talking about sex requires a level intimacy with that person to feel "safe" that they won't pass judgment so I never brought it up on a date. In fact, I never shared it with anyone until I told my wife several years into our marriage (actually, I got caught here but that's another story). Acceptance hasn't been easy, in fact years later we're just now working on it. People come with hang ups, I have them, she has them, we all have them and sex is one of the biggest areas where people have inhibitions. I'll wrap it up since this is longer than I meant to go on about this - I went to counseling to make sure that I was o.k. before I started talking to my wife about these and other issues. Turns out that me being who I am is o.k. I'm still working on the me part and haven't yet gotten to the us part but the experience has been so positive that I recommend anyone struggling with this to find a good AASECT certified counselor at least for an initial appointment.
 
Guys....much appreciation for the support. I guess I should sort of put it another way.....I grew up in a household with a fairly stressed relations, and rather than ever reveal I have issues, or whatnot, I just sort of kept it to myself for the sake of not bringing stress to anyone else. Long term, I think in actuality I prevented myself from getting a foundation for a good relationship; if I don't really put faith in anyone out in the open and end up trying to reach out.....I either never mention it, OR spring it too soon (another issue for me; I probably try to start too soon). Online I've had fair success....if that means finding girls with lots of unresolved baggage (and/or bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc) that can deal with with a guy that tickles for a while, but it never lasts long before they find I'm just the wrong fix. I probably could've had a lot of girlfriends that were into tickling if I learned to wait long enough, but the urge to give a few test strokes I've always ended up giving into....Gotta know who you're spending your time with and if things will be satisfied.

Actually, Coda, I started to think maybe I was hurting myself and others with it. I had one date several years ago where it went really well, except for finding out that the girl had been on disability (depression), and I noticed down the line some clear signs she had her problems. We had one date, then she ended up having a traumatic experience a few days later (can't detail much further since I'm fuzzy on info anyway) and disappeared, and changed her preferences away from guys. I always felt guilty for the indirect events, even tho I had nothing to do with them. What does this have to do with anything? She had a tickling fetish. I've met two girls with it, and honestly......there was something "wrong" in them when they met me. Coincidence? No clue. But I'm just starting to feel very cautious about it all. It's not healthy to hurt myself with guilt or feel I may be hurting someone else by meeting and tickling.

I try to do a lot of reading on www.succeedsocially.com lately to see if I can remedy any of my own approach issues. But I'm obviously looking to get to the meat of meeting people and getting my tickle on.
 
What an excellent article. Thanks a lot for taking the time to share it. And nice work barefeetarebest on mainstreaming it. Hope you're well buddy!

And good luck there Duderino...keep talking, you'll get there.
 
Fantastic article!

It's nice to read something that helps to "vindicate" what I've always felt growing up. One of my worst memories was being "discovered" by my father who walked in on me checking out some images. The resulting yelling match and continual humiliation was not pleasant. Thankfully, it all subsided as I became an adult, but... geez. Talk about gut-wrenching.
 
Oh, my God, this article is absolutely perfect!

Until now, I felt very, very discreet when trying to hide my fetish from other people when I'm around them. But now, I'm at a point where I'm feeling: "My friends and loved ones would love and accept me, now matter who or what I was (as long as it didn't hurt anybody) if not, fuck 'em."

Little by little, I've let some of my close friends know about both my foot and tickle fetish, and their responses have been so encouraging, it's as if a giant boulder of pressure was lifted off of my shoulders. Damn, what an amazing feeling it is! 🙂
 
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