Your Significant Other Accepting Your Fetish...Could Blow Up In Your Face

[Skipadeedoodah]

We all hear so much about coming out to significant others, and them not being receptive to our fetish. Their willingness to engage, if it's there at all, is limited. The relationship ends, for whatever reason, and we move on.

My question is, what happens when you come out to your (vanilla) significant other, and instead of rejecting the idea, they embrace it, and even become active members of the forum and the community as a whole -- and then you break up?

This is the situation I'm currently faced with. My ex-fiance (who many of you know) and I broke up about 2 years ago, and have since remained very close friends. While we were together he joined the TMF and accompanied me to many gatherings. He made as many friends here as I did, and has become very close with some of them.

The problem that we're (I'm?) currently facing is that his desire to remain part of the community and attend gatherings as his schedule permits puts him in a position to feel like he needs to tell his new girlfriend about the community. He isn't confessing the fetish, because his interest in tickling remains limited. He just feels like if he's going to NEST, for example, he doesn't want to have to lie or omit big parts of the truth - and I don't want to ask him to do that either. I know how important honesty is to him, and I'd never ask him to jeopardize a relationship by lying for my sake.

This puts me in a very uncomfortable position, because this is very private to me. I'm not ashamed, nor do I feel the need to hide anything, but sharing this part of me is a very intimate experience, and that is causing me to have some major reservations about him telling his girlfriend, even though I completely understand why he feels the need to do that.

So when does this stop being my secret and become something that is also part of him that he has the right to talk about with a new girlfriend?

 

[Libertine]

And you broke up two years ago?

"Jealousy is always born with love, but does not always die with it."

~François, le Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

It's natural to feel uncomfortable at the thought of a former lover enjoying things once reserved for the two of you with someone else, but one really must set a time limit or risk becoming obsessive. I sincerely hope you can move on to the point where it doesn't matter to you in the least what he does and with whom, very soon. The best way is to replace him ASAP.

 

[venray]

If he wishes to attend such events it is in his nature to be up front with her. Unless he tells her you are a part of it or unless he is bringing her along, then it shouldnt be a prob for you. If he is bringing her, then ya gotta suck it up and let things happen that happen...

If she ends up attending we all may make another really cool friend like we have with many of our other friends who have relatively vanilla partners.....

Either that or we will be thought of as his strange group of friends....either way it is all good in the grand scheme of things...

I know it isnt easy, but being the good friend and person that you are, ya gotta show him support in what he needs to do...and know that WE are there for you (and him) when you need us to be..

Hope this helps...

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

And you broke up two years ago?

"Jealousy is always born with love, but does not always die with it."

~François, le Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

It's natural to feel uncomfortable at the thought of a former lover enjoying things once reserved for the two of you with someone else, but one really must set a time limit or risk becoming obsessive. I sincerely hope you can move on to the point where it doesn't matter to you in the least what he does and with whom, very soon. The best way is to replace him ASAP.

I understand what you're saying, but jealousy really isn't a part of it. Let me see if I can explain a little better. I'm happy that he has a new girlfriend. I've met her and we get along just fine. My issue isn't with his new relationship, or with them enjoying eachother with kissing or tickling or whatever. It's only with this intimate, private detail about me - the information, not the activity - being shared with someone else. I felt the same way when he asked me if he could tell friends of his when we were still together. It just wasn't an issue then, because there was no real reason for him to share it with them, so keeping it a secret wasn't a problem. I feel bad asking him to not tell her this, because he wants to be open and honest. And frankly, if I were her and he went to a fetish gathering with his ex-fiance and didn't tell me about it, that would likely be the end of that, and I don't want that to happen.

I hope that clarified a bit. 🙂

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

If he wishes to attend such events it is in his nature to be up front with her. Unless he tells her you are a part of it or unless he is bringing her along, then it shouldnt be a prob for you. If he is bringing her, then ya gotta suck it up and let things happen that happen...

If she ends up attending we all may make another really cool friend like we have with many of our other friends who have relatively vanilla partners.....

Either that or we will be thought of as his strange group of friends....either way it is all good in the grand scheme of things...

I know it isnt easy, but being the good friend and person that you are, ya gotta show him support in what he needs to do...and know that WE are there for you (and him) when you need us to be..

Hope this helps...

That's the thing, he would be telling her that I'm involved. Because he wants to be upfront about our friendship (us being as close as we are isn't typical, and has proven to be fairly intimidating for potential partners for both of us), and because he doesn't have a tickling fetish, so going to a tickling gathering would seem fairly silly without more of an explanation. 🙂

It's not so much this telling this girl that bothers me. He asked me if he could tell his last girlfriend, and while I wasn't thrilled, I said it was fine. It's just that now this is one more stranger who knows a very intimate detail of my life. I see this pattern developing where every relationship that he's in, the girl finds out a very private thing about me. I just feel kind of...exposed by the whole thing.

 

[venray]

That's the thing, he would be telling her that I'm involved. Because he wants to be upfront about our friendship (us being as close as we are isn't typical, and has proven to be fairly intimidating for potential partners for both of us), and because he doesn't have a tickling fetish, so going to a tickling gathering would seem fairly silly without more of an explanation. 🙂

It's not so much this telling this girl that bothers me. He asked me if he could tell his last girlfriend, and while I wasn't thrilled, I said it was fine. It's just that now this is one more stranger who knows a very intimate detail of my life. I see this pattern developing where every relationship that he's in, the girl finds out a very private thing about me. I just feel kind of...exposed by the whole thing.

Every time I meet someone new in the community it is one more that knows more about me....the more that this happens the more comfortable I have become in my own skin to the point where it never bothers me any more...

There are quite a few folks not involved in the community that know more about me than I would have ever thought they would, but I find it is no big deal to most of them, so it isnt to me either...

I know where you are at hon...I was there a few years back, but we evolve as we move forward and things such as this become much easier...

 

[socktickler86]

And frankly, if I were her and he went to a fetish gathering with his ex-fiance and didn't tell me about it, that would likely be the end of that, and I don't want that to happen.

That sums it up. She MUST be allowed to know. Maybe it will turn out well and she wont care. Maybe she'll even want to join in! But the fact of the matter is you simply can't demand secrecy of your ex with his significant others if it's an ongoing thing between you two. If he weren't accompanying you anymore, it'd be fine since there's no need to bring it up. However, simply imagine the scenario where he wants to go with you to a gathering and the girl asks where you two are going. He would have to lie and that is simply not good.

 

[solescratcher99]

When does this stop being your secret and something he can discuss with his girlfriend?

Well, as soon as you broke up technically speaking. Many of my exes probably told a ton of intimate things about my personal life I wish they wouldn't have, but it is their right to talk to their new partners about whatever they want.

Why is he wanting to attend the gathering if he doesn't have a tickle fetish? I might like some of my exes friends but after we broke up I didn't hang out with them. You have to admit, it does seem a bit suspicious upon first glance.

 

[ElFewja]

Uh?

I get that you're still cool with this guy, but past relationships should stay there; other than telling his current girlfriend that you two were a thing, everything should stay in the past. I don't see why he would want to talk about how intimate he was with you.. or in what ways? I certainly don't really want to hear about my (hypothetical at the moment) girlfriend talking about her past boyfriends and their affairs, because it's none of my business.

And what he has done with you is really none of her business.

Him telling her that he's going to this and he might be into it, that's fine. That's his business and his decision. I don't think that he has a right to gossip about your happenings and your interests to her past that you might be going with him. I mean, she can infer whatever she wants from you attending the gathering, or him being into tickling and you two having been together in the past, but I just don't think that he should (or will) talk about it.

Well, I would hope, anyway. I value privacy, if you didn't get that already.

As for tickling being a secret: So what? Sex is still a largely closeted subject, so it's nothing to feel strange about within the current u.s. society. Sure, sex should be open and spoken about like everything else, because it's important, but I don't think that you should feel weird about closeting that part of your life. What you do behind closed doors? Why should anyone care? It's not any of their business.

Yeah, opening up about anything has that potential: once you tell someone something, the entire world can know and there's nothing you can do about it. But why worry about something like that, you know? It's who you are, and if people can't accept it? Fuck em.

-Etc

 

[c7_assassin]

One of the risks of dating, I'm afraid. Once you're broken up, there aren't any rules.

I was in a similar situation myself a little while ago; I had managed to convert a vanilla girl who began attending gatherings and posting a bit on the forum. When we broke up, she lost interest in being here. But if she hadn't, there's nothing I could do about it.

And c'mon, you know there's nothing you can do to stop your ex from talking about you. You're in here talking about him. It's inevitable.

 

[proud2tickle]

there arent any rules, that much is correct. however i have had my share of gorgeous girls but even with my most close friends on the forum or friends i have outside of the forum i never go into discussion about the intimate nature of my relationships. i either say that girl rocked my world or man i really regret that one. nothing more is ever discussed except maybe the emotional toll the relationship took on me. hence my jadedness now. there really isnt any reason for them to discuss yall's history and as matter of fact that is the easiest way to destroy a relationship by always talking about your past ones or one. your other starts to either get tired of hearing you talking about them worrying ur not fully over them or that they are constantly being compared to them. long have i witnessed the demise of good relationships due to this

 

[Myriads]

What you have is akin to a custody battle over friends where you both are keeping them, but the new partner is now part of the mix because they are attached to one of the separated partners.

She needs to be filled in on the outline of things.

He met these friends when he was with you, he enjoys spending time seeing them. He does not needfully 'play' with them. You are at these meetings, but things are done with you guys.

She deserves the honesty he can provide, as this is not a 'casual' bit of information to cover up or hide from her.

Myriads

 

[tickledorange]

As long as the two of you are not doing it, it should be fine, just like with any other activity. If you keep it a secret, it makes the situation worse.

 

[misspandora]

Sounds to me like you need to accept, you have no control over what he does. It's called letting go...why let it bother you? And yes, you are LETTING it bother you.

I'm dealing with similar feelings--me and my ex broke up very recently, tho. I got him on fetlife and thru working with me in creating some of my custom content, he met models, photographers, etc...he started coming to events with me. Then he went to a Fetlife event alone, got drunk-that did not make me happy.

He and i are not still friends like you and your ex are, and that suits me just fine. We blocked each other on FL--neither one of us has any interest in knowing what the other is up to. I assume that at some point, I will probably run into him at a future event. He may even be with another woman. Can I do anything about that? NO. I just need to control my own emotions about it.

Try reciting the Serenity prayer. It might help.

 

[Homer28]

I am the illusive ex 🙂 I did become involved in this community as a direct result of Lyz and I have made some awesome friends. Lyz and I had a very smooth and amicable break up and I continue to attend munches and some gatherings (not lately due to school🙁 It is extremely difficult for me to be both honest and explain the community to someone such as a girlfriend. Because of this I always talk to Lyz before I mention anything to anyone. Lyz and I differ (understandably so) in our level of comfort in who we would tell about the community and who we would not.

I am trying to find some form of balance between respecting what Lyz wants, as well as being honest in my current relationship. I don't know how this will happen or if it can, but we shall see 🙂

 

[Mitchell]

I agree with Myriads.

Personally, if I was in this situation, I don't think I would so much have a problem with my ex gf having another guy, still being my friend, and telling him about the fetish enjoyment, as I would.. if.. say.. she told people about my fetishes while we were still together, and I was confronted or ridiculed by her family and friends for it. "Oh, you like to kiss her feet, and tickle her", etc. My philsophy would be that once I was broken up with the ex, her new guy would have a right to know, as she would want to have the full enjoyment with him, and shouldn't have to sacrifice, just because she is still my friend.

I'm sorry this situation is awkward or uncomfortable for you. Unfortunately, we are at times confronted by situations that we cant control, and don't like. Such is life.

Mitch

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I appreciate everyone's replies.

Just to clarify, this isn't an issue of me being upset that he is in a new relationship or that he's going to be tickling someone else. I couldn't care less about that. It's literally just an issue of me feeling like these girls that he dates who are virtually strangers to me knowing something about me that I keep very private. I don't know how else to explain it.

 

[Libertine]

It's literally just an issue of me feeling like these girls that he dates who are virtually strangers to me knowing something about me that I keep very private.

If he's going out with someone else and is still with the community, I assure you he's a happy convert following the path you showed him with his new g/f, as he himself more or less admits in his post above. This being the case then you know the same thing about her (a total stranger) as she knows about you.

Surely one cancels out the other?

 

[Sunriseticklee]

Guys... I don't know, maybe I am interpreting it wrong, but I'm thinking that she is totally ok with the relationship, but she is worried that someone (the girlfriend) is going to basically have the knowledge that she is into tickling.

I mean, I've had ex-boyfriends share (one guy posted it to his freaking blog) that I was into tickling. I had no control over what was shared, but it didn't really matter because I didn't see the person, and probably wouldn't see the person again. My feelings would be COMPLETELY different if the ex-boyfriend was still around. He tells his girlfriend and now she is looking at me like I am a freak. His secret is HIS secret. I completely understand why she doesn't want her ex telling his girlfriend about her love for tickling. I completely understand how uncomfortable that would be. We don't know how the girl will take it, especially knowing that this is something VERY intimate that was shared, and may still be shared, albeit not physically- the emotional connection will still be there. That's a lot to have to stomach, especially if tickling is something that the new girlfriend does not like or does not "comprehend".

I was JUST talking to my hubby about this. In advertising the GA Gathering on FetLife, one of my ex-boyfriends who is into BDSM might see the event (the same guy who posted about me on his freaking blog), and might want to come. I have the exact same screenname. It would totally suck to have him, my husband, and myself in the same room. (BUT- I have control over that somewhat, and she doesn't).

I don't even have any great advice. You can't control what he tells her. You can ask him to respect your privacy, but if he wants to be honest, he will have to tell her about it and he will have to tell her that you will be there. If not, and she finds out, ultimately she will feel betrayed. The ugly thing about it is, if he tells her, she might feel that way anyway (might not)

There are no easy answers. Just be true to yourself and continue being a good friend.

 

[Morpheus72]

Lots of good responses here. I think what summed it up best was the lack of rules once you're broken up. It's one of the pitfalls of opening this delightful Pandora's box we share; you can't put the genie back in the bottle. But really, that sort of thing goes for anything private in any relationship -- a vanilla man who likes his nips pulled during sex may be concerned that his ex spreads that to his friends. This issue has existed forever. It's certainly one that can be nerve-wracking, but it is what it is!

I am trying to find some form of balance between respecting what Lyz wants, as well as being honest in my current relationship. I don't know how this will happen or if it can, but we shall see 🙂

Not sure how this will happen? Hopefully, your priority would be the happiness of your new girlfriend. Else, you may find yourself without her!

Dave

 

[LD_Tickler]

I'm not sure I see the need for full disclosure here. He's just visiting some friends. There's no hanky-panky or hiding a fetish, or something, which is why most people feel the need to divulge to the s/o.

Why not just continue to go to munches or whatever, and when something conspicuous comes up that would require explanation, like NEST, just say you're going to visit some friends that Skip introduced you to.

 

[socktickler86]

It's literally just an issue of me feeling like these girls that he dates who are virtually strangers to me knowing something about me that I keep very private. I don't know how else to explain it.

You just have to deal with it, that's a part of life. Typically this isn't something you have to worry about because usually a person doesn't care to know anything about a bf/gfs past relationships. However, because he wants to continue going to these events and because you would be there, you bring in a problem that simply can't be hidden from view.

Since the ex in question is in on the thread, here's how the situation is, plain and simple: You are playing with fire not telling your new girlfriend about this. If she found out, she has every right to blow up on you and dump you. It does not even matter if you go and don't engage in any tickling with her (skip), the fact that you're meeting up with her in a venue such as a meeting is all that matters. And as much as you respect your ex-gf's secrets, it just doesn't work like that.

Think of it from a more 'vanilla' angle. What if you wanted to go with your ex-gf to the movies. What if it was completely for fun, just both of you wanting to see a movie that you both loved no hankie pankie, nothing. Would you keep that from your gf? If not, there's no way you can justify keeping this from her.

 

[mabus]

At what point, Skipadeedoodah, and everyone else....do you just say "Fuck it! This is who I am, and if you don't like, go fuck yourself!"

I guess I've more and more gotten into the "I don't really give a shit what other people think about me, unless I am very, very close to them, or they mean a lot to me...and even then...!"

You are who you are...yes it may be a little embarrassing if you don't have my bitter demeanor, but there's so much about you, and everyone else, as human beings, that's wonderful and interesting....if that's all they care about or focus on with me, I don't need them in my life, or, to worry about what they think about me.....since I don't need them in my life!

There's also the character question - I don't think Homer will blab every intimate secret about you to his future girls, and since you two are still friends, and he's an active member here, the fact that, Homer, you're into tickling, and Skipadeedoodah is also into it......I'm not seeing how you would somehow be judged harsher than him since you're both basically equals and she may become a convert as well!

Most people want to keep stuff secret so as to not be judged or looked down upon.

Then if you are, you'd have to refer to my above statement about "Are they worth the opinion they have of me?"

I have an ex-wife, who I haven't spoken to since we seperated except for about a three minute phone call. I doubt we'll ever be friends, much less speak again.
Aside from all that, I don't go around blabbing her intimate sex details to anyone, and I never will. She may be doing that to me...but again, refer to the top - I don't really give a fuck! Her friends who hate me because of what she told them, where never really my friends anyway. I have kept many of her friends, and those wouldn't really care, except to laugh at me for a few minutes....and then that'd be it. But I love them, so I'd maybe tolerate a FEW minutes of that...and promptly explain to them that.... don't really give a fuck!

I'm sorry that you have something you protect so closely, because it maye become a weakness if someone who is not so friendly to you later on finds it out and uses it to hurt you.

I used to be like that, so none of this is in anyway me being critical of you, Skip...or anyone else. If my tickling fetish had been revealed in high school, .....I wouldn't have killed myself, but I would have thought my life would have been over, depending on the reaction of people. I was unimaginably self conscience, was surrounded by some judgemental, sex hating religious people, and wasn't popular, and was easily embarrassed....

But I look back and ask myself, "Where the hell are those people? What have they done for me? What good was it for me to be all embarrassed by people who literally meant nothing to me, because I meant even less to them?! They don't care about me, visit me, call me, e-mail me......"

I write this having to deal with an asshole assistant manager at work today...everyday, but sometimes anger focuses the thought processes.....just like Senator Palpatine said in Episode III! This guy's a special case - he's Satan. There's literally not one aspect of him that good. My wonderful, spiritual co-worker at work......stopped praying for him.
If any of you know spiritual people, you know how profound a statement that is, to actually STOP praying for your enemies! But when you make our fellow co-workers clean the bottom of garbage cans and windows, when we HAVE a janitorial staff....just to boost his shitty ego......oh wait, the OLD lady cleaning the garbage can...had a back brace from an auto accident - NO, I'm not kidding!
If someone like THIS had a problem with me....this utter-non-confontational tickle-lover would happily tell him "GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

You may need to sit down, Skipadeedoodah, and really ask yourself a few of these questions. I fel like I truly wasted my life worrying about what other people thought of me, and now I can't go back and have the fun so many others had. Don't end up bitter like me!

 

[BlackestLily]

Mabus you make some great and thoughtful points, and I also want to interject something. She is who I would consider one of my best friends, so as far as the first thought process goes about owning who you are and being proud...trust me, that's her. She has no qualms about what people think of her most of the time and is not ashamed of who she is.

I think the issue here is her viewpoint is: it's just none of this girl's business (or anyone else's for that matter who she doesn't actively choose to tell). (Harsh way to put it, but I can't think of any other wording at the moment.) So where is the line drawn where he gives his girlfriend the information she needs while not totally enroaching on Skip's privacy?

If I tell someone a secret about me or we participate in something privately together, technically I suppose they could tell anyone about it. But if I tell someone a secret, I expect it to stay that way. If I wanted the world to know, I would've told the world.

So issue being, why does someone who knows little about her deserve to know one of the most private things about her?

I guess all of the above is where I, myself, see her coming from. If I'm wrong my lovely Skippy wife, I'm sorry.

 

[TropicThunder]

Rules of the breakup, huh? That there are no rules.

that doesn't mean that the rules of friendship that obviously exists becomes obsolete. If I tell a FRIEND a secret, I expect them to keep it. Ex or no ex. Homer, you're a good guy for trying to find that inbetween for both Lyz and your new girl. Trying to be honest without disclosing a friends secret is really difficult, but I'm sure you guys can find a way that makes you all feel a little more lax about the whole thing.