I would like to preface this blog entry with an apology – for any self-pitying tones that may be discerned by the reader. This is NOT a cry for help or a plea for pity or anything of that sort. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, really… And this seemed as good a place as any to do just that!
So I’ve been feeling a little emotional these last couple of days. It’s very rare that I cry but I don't mind admitting, a few tears were shed.
This is not because of anything that has occurred externally. My circumstances have not changed any lately… And I suppose you could say that’s precisely the problem. I’m unhappy with my lot.
And yet I feel strangely invigorated. The thing is, when you’re genuinely down on yourself you don’t feel that you deserve to be happy, and for that reason your unhappiness is not a big problem: you just learn to live with it. It’s when you feel better in yourself, when you start feeling that you do in fact deserve to be happy, that’s when your unhappiness becomes a real problem. This is when a crisis point is reached and your emotions tend to catch up with you.
A wonderful blog entry was posted on this forum a couple of weeks ago. In it the author listed a few things they had learned from a recent experience. One of them was that it’s OK to rely on other people to help pull you out of the water you’re drowning in. This is very true. But it strikes me that for a favourable outcome a couple of things must take place. First of all, the person who’s drowning must outwardly acknowledge that this is so. Second of all, they must also be willing to be saved. The trouble (and hopefully this won’t sound too melodramatic!) is that when you’ve been drowning for a long time, you kinda get used to the water lol. You know in your heart that you’re drowning, but you don’t really care. This, I think, sums up my adult life heretofore pretty well. I’m still reluctant to ask for help. The difference now is that I’m beginning to feel I actually want to swim ashore. It certainly won’t be easy (as it happens, I never was a great swimmer!), but I don’t intend to spend a lifetime drowning. I mean, there are other things to do… Like, you know, skiing…?
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And it’s these feelings, as outlined above, that have held me back from becoming a more active member on this forum. I knew – and still do know – that if I started PMing people, entering the chat room and generally making more of an effort with people, part of me would still be holding everybody at arm’s length: because of the way I feel about myself. I don’t want that. Nor do I want to bullshit people and try to con them into thinking I’m this cool, suave, confident fucker when I’m not. I have no time for people like that.
To sum up, then: I need to sort my shit out. So – er – wish me luck with that. Or not, whatever.
Cheeyers.
So I’ve been feeling a little emotional these last couple of days. It’s very rare that I cry but I don't mind admitting, a few tears were shed.
This is not because of anything that has occurred externally. My circumstances have not changed any lately… And I suppose you could say that’s precisely the problem. I’m unhappy with my lot.And yet I feel strangely invigorated. The thing is, when you’re genuinely down on yourself you don’t feel that you deserve to be happy, and for that reason your unhappiness is not a big problem: you just learn to live with it. It’s when you feel better in yourself, when you start feeling that you do in fact deserve to be happy, that’s when your unhappiness becomes a real problem. This is when a crisis point is reached and your emotions tend to catch up with you.
A wonderful blog entry was posted on this forum a couple of weeks ago. In it the author listed a few things they had learned from a recent experience. One of them was that it’s OK to rely on other people to help pull you out of the water you’re drowning in. This is very true. But it strikes me that for a favourable outcome a couple of things must take place. First of all, the person who’s drowning must outwardly acknowledge that this is so. Second of all, they must also be willing to be saved. The trouble (and hopefully this won’t sound too melodramatic!) is that when you’ve been drowning for a long time, you kinda get used to the water lol. You know in your heart that you’re drowning, but you don’t really care. This, I think, sums up my adult life heretofore pretty well. I’m still reluctant to ask for help. The difference now is that I’m beginning to feel I actually want to swim ashore. It certainly won’t be easy (as it happens, I never was a great swimmer!), but I don’t intend to spend a lifetime drowning. I mean, there are other things to do… Like, you know, skiing…?
ïŠAnd it’s these feelings, as outlined above, that have held me back from becoming a more active member on this forum. I knew – and still do know – that if I started PMing people, entering the chat room and generally making more of an effort with people, part of me would still be holding everybody at arm’s length: because of the way I feel about myself. I don’t want that. Nor do I want to bullshit people and try to con them into thinking I’m this cool, suave, confident fucker when I’m not. I have no time for people like that.
To sum up, then: I need to sort my shit out.
So – er – wish me luck with that. Or not, whatever.Cheeyers.
