Separation and Dating

[Tamia78]

Yeah, me again.....

You guys are smart people (with the exception of a few--I KNOW you know who you are ), so I thought I'd just bounce some things off of you.

#1, I'm about ready to just give up on dating. It's such a hassle!

#2, what's with all the women and men dating while they are newly separated?????

Now, I know that when married people don't get along, they separate. In my eyes, that still means that you are married, but that's just me. I do understand that for some, separation is the prelim to divorce. For whatever reason, things can't be reconciled and divorce may be the only answer.

That's all fine and good, but it sure confuses the hell out of us single people. In my experience, men who tell me they are separated still talk to their wives on a daily basis, and sometimes even still live with them! I understand talking to them for the children's sake, but when the wives call my phone and bitch me out for talking to their husband, like I'M some kind of homewrecker........that pretty much does it for me.

So, should separated people date at all? It is a matter of being honest with yourself? It just seems like separation is a convenient way for some to have their cake and eat it too.

Well, it's driving me crazy! I'm starting to have serious thoughts about batting for the other team here.............

Your thoughts?

--T

 

[brahmslover]

Yeah, me again.....

So, should separated people date at all? It is a matter of being honest with yourself? It just seems like separation is a convenient way for some to have their cake and eat it too.--T

On a personal note, I simply avoid anyone "separated." To me, that means they are still attached and I don't want to fool around with that.

I realize that at my age most people have been married and divorced, but I won't deal with a separation until they are officially divorced. Not like I want to break up families prematurely, but I want to make sure at least that they have taken the official steps to separate and live their own lives. Just my opinion...

 

[steph]

Hiya Tam!

Yanno, divorce is SO, SO final, especially if you've spent years, possibly decades making memories together. Separation is sort of a "baby steps" move. You're not 100% sure you want to go thru with it.

I don't know if separated people SHOULDN'T date but the people who date them should move slowly. I heard a statistic once about the percentage of divorced men who remarry inside of a year, I can't remember exactly but it was OBSCENELY high, like 65% or something. Once they've been used to marriage, going it alone just isn't an option. Don't know if it's loneliness or lack of domestic Goddess that they miss most or what.

On another note~why the HELL are these guys giving YOUR number to their wives?😱 OH, HELL NO! That's a dealbreaker for me and if this keeps happening to you, I'd set the rules early.
XOXO

 

[Capnmad]

Dating can be a hassle, or it can be fun. This may just be me, but just like any activity, I usually find it fun when I have no goal in mind and sometimes a hassle when I have a must-meet-goal. The things in which I have a specific goal that must be met I usually call "work". The things I do for pleasure and without specific goals that must be met I usually call "fun". Were I you, I'd decide which I want dating to be and adjust accordingly.

Just like people can sometimes spend forever in engagement because they're afraid of commitment and afraid of being alone, there are people in separations that are the same way. They will commit neither to the person/relationship, nor the divorce/notion of being without them.

I'm not religious, but I get Biblical on the matter: Be hot or cold, but if you're lukewarm, I'll spit you out.

In other words -- just like I'd find it ridiculous to date someone who is engaged, I would never date anyone who is "separated" -- especially if I had a goal of it going somewhere. Them being separated is often too close to saying "I'm looking to see if there's anything better. If not, I have a long-term back-up."

 

[Tamia78]

Wow! You guys hit the nail on the head with that one! Honestly? I never thought about some of those things.

Brahms--I'm just going to avoid the separation thing altogther, as you are.

Goddess--No, they are not giving their wives the number. The wives go thru their phone and find my number in their address book, and see that I've called them a couple of times, and then take it upon themselves to stop the relationship. *sigh*

Capn-After I had you all figured out, you turn out to be one of the smart ones!! Seriously, that's some damn good advice. Well, dating is a fairly low priority compared to school and work, but I'd like to get out and meet someone, ya know?

 

[Mz Chaos]

That's all fine and good, but it sure confuses the hell out of us single people. In my experience, men who tell me they are separated still talk to their wives on a daily basis, and sometimes even still live with them!


So, should separated people date at all? It is a matter of being honest with yourself? It just seems like separation is a convenient way for some to have their cake and eat it too.

--T

Oh now you know this is a sore spot with me considering what I went through... so ya know you're gonna hear a chime in from me!

Ya know what you become when you date a married/separated man?

The other woman!

And as far as I am concened, and from my experience, if you're separated but STILL living with your spouse, you're still married!!!

Oh I heard a lot of crap... "we're separated but still live together because of the kids," But guess what, when it came to dating me... even though the fella was supposedly separated... the wife still had the say so on whether or not the guy could go out with me. And when he put the ball in her court on this, I was no longer in the game! That seems very much like STILL MARRIED to me!

Men who are still married but separated ought not to date until they are free and clear to do so and that means out of the house with divorce papers in hand. Until that time, the wife still has her foot in the door and one never knows where they stand unless it is all over and done.

Like you said Tamia, it confuses the hell out of us single women. We go into a relationship hoping to be the ONLY woman but end up somehow being the OTHER woman and that just isn't fair.

And... I'd be real suspicious of the man who has his wife calling and warning you away from her husband. It'd make me think he was still very much in a married relationship and that he was stepping out on her. If they were separated, the wife shouldn't give a shit whether or not her hubby was dating.

So... I'm with you. I'm giving up on dating. and BTW...

I'm starting to have serious thoughts about batting for the other team here.............

I'm straight but if switching teams works... ya know... ya are kinda cute.

 

[SamuelKhan]

Not me...

I would give anything to start dating...

 

[kis123]

Tamia:

You are entirely too young, beautiful, and smart to be going through this crap! You're not young enough to be my kid, but I'm going to advise you in the same manner I advise my child because you remind me a lot of her.

You have too much going on to settle for foolishness! You're beautiful, smart, confident, and are on track to do great things. You don't have to settle for someone who won't clean the slate. He's probably not separated at all and is just a serial cheater. He'll probably never leave his wife and will have you hanging on a hook for years.

Let me tell you my epithany;

It was about seven years ago when out of depression and pain, I was involved in a similar relationship. After two years of this crap, wanna' know when I finally got the revelation?? When he told me (and these are his exact words) "I like things just the way they are." How the hell about that?? He really thought I would continue in that relationship after backhandedly telling me that he wasn't going to leave the woman and wanted to continue to play with me.

If they're saying "separated", it usually means they're just a serial cheater who'll stay with the wife and spin your head around. Don't settle for that crap when you can cherry pick the man of your dreams. Hang in there and be patient. And by all means, don't settle for less than the best for you because you're worth it!

 

[maniactickler]

Tamia, if your going to start batting for the other team, id like to watch.

 

[kis123]

I don't know if separated people SHOULDN'T date but the people who date them should move slowly. I heard a statistic once about the percentage of divorced men who remarry inside of a year, I can't remember exactly but it was OBSCENELY high, like 65% or something. Once they've been used to marriage, going it alone just isn't an option. Don't know if it's loneliness or lack of domestic Goddess that they miss most or what.

On another note~why the HELL are these guys giving YOUR number to their wives?😱 OH, HELL NO! That's a dealbreaker for me and if this keeps happening to you, I'd set the rules early.
XOXO

I was looking at the same thing; the guys don't sound very separated to me. They might be trying to mess around. But there are issues surrounding the seaparated that might need to be addressed.

There are many reasons why people separate; believe me that they are intimate and intricate. Can't point a specific finger sometimes. But there are sometimes situations that are over but can't be easily divorced in a quick manner. Sometimes a separation means that there is a pending divorce but it's going to be complicated. At the same time, a woman has to know how to know and when to fold 'em. It's unfortunate at this day and age, you have to do so much work in relationships but it's the reality.

 

[unclebill]

hmmm.....I think it time you moved to St. Louis, gorgeous.

 

[milagros317]

Sometimes the separated person is 100% certain that he or she is going to be divorced, but also sure that lawyers will be fighting over money and/or custody for a long, long time before the divorce is granted. So they date rather than remain out of circulation for that long, long time.

 

[Tamia78]

St. Louis or Ohio? 😀

You know what's funny? I've kinda been waiting to hear the separated people's side of the story. You know, defending themselves and stuff....surely not ALL of them think that way (i.e. having it both ways), and I'd like to think most actually have a legitimate reason for being separated, but I guess nobody wants to step up. Hmmm......that right there, besides' you guys' take on all this speaks volumes to me.

Dating is supposed to be fun. I never thought I'd actually have to ask the question: "So, are you still married?" to a potential mate. *sigh*

--T

 

[MrPartickler]

Sometimes the separated person is 100% certain that he or she is going to be divorced, but also sure that lawyers will be fighting over money and/or custody for a long, long time before the divorce is granted. So they date rather than remain out of circulation for that long, long time.

That's true. It's easily overlooked, however. This is one of those issues where people's bad experiences (ok, they may be really bad) get shouted from the hilltops, while the ones that work or just die of "natural causes"... well...folks are often more discreet about even mentioning.

Personally, I think it's possible to have an OK experience--not without risks and perhaps some additional effort of course. To me, it's like an extreme case of dating someone on the rebound: there's always that chance that they're not over their past relationship and that there's even some lingering issues to resolve. In both cases, unless something casual is mutually desired, I think the advice about moving slow is probably wise.

As an aside, I like to try to leave any notion of morality out of these things. It's just a personal choice. You can, however, walk in, eyes open, knowing the risks and still have a good time. You can also decide that the risks are too much to warrant any contact with said person(s) altogether and be happier for it. I think only you know yourself well enough to decide whether in any one case is worth it. But there's nothing wrong with just trusting yourself to decide on a case-by-case basis how to proceed.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

You and I talked about this last night in the chatroom last night Tam. I share the same frustrations. I figure if someone is separated, they need to get their life in order before they even think about starting to date. I will be a friend with someone who is separated but will not date them. Its very very difficult to find a guy that might be serious about developing a friendship, let alone a relationship. They are just in it for the fun and what they can get out of it. No manners and no concern for their actions. I have pretty much resigned myself to being single the rest of my life. Better than hoping for something that will never be.

 

[penny lane]

Personally, I do NOT recommend dating someone who is separated. I tried it once and learned my lesson. Like previous posters said, separated is not final, even if the individual feels that there is no chance of reconciliation. The fact of the matter is they have not completely closed this chapter of their life and many times it does spill over into another relationship. I've heard what sounded like good reasons at the time for why they did not go through with divorce and tried to keep an open mind in each situation, but at the end of the day, no good ever came of these relationships. I don't mean to offend anyone who is separated and I apologize if I have, but this has been my experience and I've heard the same from a few others who have gone down this road.

As for dating in general...don't give up. Date for fun, not the find "the one". Or even take a break from it and just date yourself and then get back into it when you're ready. 🙂

Hope that helps.

 

[Capnmad]

Capn-After I had you all figured out, you turn out to be one of the smart ones!!

You take that back, madam! I'm a grossly overrated imbecile, and proud of it! There's a long history of idiocy in my family and I'm it's ultimate achievement! Do not besmirch that with any suggestion that I might possess even half a brain! I have a legacy to protect!


😀

 

[Ayla ny]

I’m “separated”. It took years to get him to move out… but only weeks to start dating. I was SO done with my marriage.

Six years later, we are still “separated” but only because we can’t come to terms on the divorce (and the fact that he’s an ass… but I digress). We are each living with the people we plan to spend the rest of our lives with and the marriage couldn’t be any more over. It’s just a matter of making it legal.

So I guess my point is, that sometimes it’s more a matter of it taking a long time to iron out the details than not being sure.

On the other hand, I have also had men tell me that the are “practically separated” only to have an angry wife call me and ask me why my number was in her husband’s pocket. I always came clean and said “because he asked me for it, was cute, and never said he was married.” Let him deal with bed he made.

 

[Tamia78]

On the other hand, I have also had men tell me that the are “practically separated” only to have an angry wife call me and ask me why my number was in her husband’s pocket. I always came clean and said “because he asked me for it, was cute, and never said he was married.” Let him deal with bed he made.

Awesome! I might have to use that one!

I do understand what you are saying, but in my experience, I've dealt more with the dishonest ones instead of the ones who have reason to take their time.

Thank you for your perspective!

--T

 

[Sultrybrunette]

I agree with this, but it doesn't just pertain to guys. There are some women out there that do this too unfortunately.

Oh I dont doubt it for a moment. I just haven't had THAT experience since I don't date women.

 

[cerebralticklr]

Dating & Separation

I realise that this may be slightly off topic, but beware of this time of year. For some reason, wandering spouses tend to return during the holidays.

Maybe it's one too many viewings of "It's a Wondeful Life" but they almost always get taken back even after they 've set new standards for adultery abndonment, and even physical abuse. Unfortunately I know this from experience as I received a tear-stained email from my gf of the time saying how her ex who was guilty of pretty much all of what I listed above, came into her family's house during the Thanksgiving meal, confessed to everything, admitted to being an evil jerk and begged her to take him back for the sake of the kids. That's a hard one to turn down.

Also be wary of arrangements that just seem to friendly as in "We're divorced but we still live together" followed by some reason that may even sound loogical. I've even turned down a date with a woman in that situation where I know the husband and he's welcomed me to date his ex and even suggested a weekend getaway she likes.

The main thing is to guard your heart. It's very precious, easily broken and not always so easily repaired.

 

[Illtcklu]

First off.... Tamia, wanna go on a date???? Heehee.... little joke. Anyways; I think this pretty much spells it out..

Yanno, divorce is SO, SO final, especially if you've spent years, possibly decades making memories together. Separation is sort of a "baby steps" move. You're not 100% sure you want to go thru with it.

I don't know if separated people SHOULDN'T date but the people who date them should move slowly. I heard a statistic once about the percentage of divorced men who remarry inside of a year, I can't remember exactly but it was OBSCENELY high, like 65% or something. Once they've been used to marriage, going it alone just isn't an option. Don't know if it's loneliness or lack of domestic Goddess that they miss most or what.

On another note~why the HELL are these guys giving YOUR number to their wives?😱 OH, HELL NO! That's a dealbreaker for me and if this keeps happening to you, I'd set the rules early.
XOXO

Got nothing more to add here..

 

[steph]

Thanks babe(s)!
I thought ayla's respone was hilarious and sooo totally something I'd have told 'em--good one doll!
XOXO

First off.... Tamia, wanna go on a date???? Heehee.... little joke. Anyways; I think this pretty much spells it out..Got nothing more to add here..

 

[locker669]

There are two types of Separated

1. The relationship is over and they've moved out, but can't afford to pay for a divorce.

2. They are married and are just looking to fill whatever void they have in their relationship.

 

[Horatio]

You know what's funny? I've kinda been waiting to hear the separated people's side of the story. You know, defending themselves and stuff....surely not ALL of them think that way (i.e. having it both ways), and I'd like to think most actually have a legitimate reason for being separated, but I guess nobody wants to step up. Hmmm......that right there, besides' you guys' take on all this speaks volumes to me.

Dating is supposed to be fun. I never thought I'd actually have to ask the question: "So, are you still married?" to a potential mate. *sigh*

--T

Hey Tamia- I'm separated. In the process of a divorce. I think you're talking about people like me??

So, I'm personally not ready to date someone at all right now, because I'm too busy, have a ton of baggage, and I would be way too distracted to be a good boyfriend. But..

The idea of dating and romance is appealing to me, because, like a lot of other separated or newly divorced people, I didn't have fulfillment in my previous relationship. So, not only do I miss that feeling of love and romance that I haven't had for quite a while, I'm also not sure how "marketable" I am since I've been out of the game for a while and my ego took a hit because I'm out of a relationship.

That's why I would jump back in the dating scene again. If I didn't have some semblance of self restraint.

Sorry you're finding all the rebound guys. You can usually tell them pretty quickly though; they're the ones fiddling with the ring finger on their left hand because there is no ring there any more and it feels weird.