Taking A Turn For The Worst..

[Mitchell]

I just got a call from the physical therapist at the home. My mother is abusive, and refusing physical therapy of any kind. The lady I spoke to said that due to this, the Drs orders for physical therapy will be discontinued, and that lack of any activity by my mom other than just lying in bed, could result in blood clots that will hasten her death.

As heartbreaking as it is to say, with the circumstance being as it is, maybe it is best if she passes away short term. She's suffering, with no hope of anything but to decline further. The family is suffering. I know that God has the plan for when she will go, but.. with the way things are going, I just dont want to see her suffer anymore. She's suffered enough.

Mitch

 

[isabeau]

Mitch, what is making her abusive? Do you know?

 

[Leo tickles]

I've been keeping up with this thread, just don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.

I'm here if you need me.

 

[Mitchell]

The tumors, izzy.

Thanks, Leo. I just got home. Sigh! Another bad day. She called me every name in the book, tells me she hopes I die, have a miserable life, and that she wants to die.

My dad and my aunt think I should take a break tomorrow. They want to see what her reaction is if I dont show up for a day. The thing is: I'm not going Saturday either, because of my appointment with my dad in Philly. I'm half thinking of taking the money I would have spent on the driver tomorrow, and doing something fun, like the off track place.

From looking at her today, it would seem she doesnt have long. The thing is, the nurses and doctors tell me she's not as bad when I'm not there. Her wraith is directed at me, which shows how far gone she is, because normally, she loves me more than anyone in the world.

I'm going to think about the idea of not going tomorrow. I dont know if thats right. I'm so tired, that I seriously just might need a break.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Well, its settled. I am going to take a break tomorrow. No nursing home. I'm going to do some work, go shopping, and to the OTB instead.

Family opinions: My aunt was questioning if my mom's medical insurance would cover a private duty nurse for my mom, to enable me to bring her home. Even though my mom has good coverage, I doubt it would cover such a thing. When I asked my dad this question, he was strongly against it, feeling that even if I go to visit my mom every day, it would be too emotionally draining for me to be with her at home when she's in this condition. Additionally, the building I live in has strict noise rules, and my mom screams and yells a lot. I CANNOT get kicked out of this apartment before I move back to NY area. I'm going with my dad's advice. As lonely as I am here, I think having quiet evenings, and being able to rest, watch TV, talk to my friends and family, etc, is better if my mom isnt here.

So, thats the latest. Tomorrow I'm hoping all will be quiet. It would be nice if that happened.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

Have fun on your break brother. Enjoy it. Do whatever it takes to get a good laugh.

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks pal.

Just so everyone knows, I just received re enforcement against my mom's position to bring her home, and it made me feel more secure in my decision to place her in the home.

I just got an email from my mom's chemo Dr in NJ. I explained to him the situation of how miserable my mom is in the nursing home, how my mom and my aunt want me to bring my mom home, and how my dad and I feel that isnt possible. Well, my mom's doctor agrees with my dad and me. My mom's doctor feels that due to her condition, my mom requires the constant 24 hrs a day care that I cant possibly give her at home. I respect my mom's Dr greatly, even when I dont agree with him, but, in this case.. I do agree with him about not bringing her home, and his advice gave me more security in my decision. Sometimes getting re enforcement from someone you respect, can be key to making an important life's decision.

As much as it breaks my heart that my mom is in the home, I believe that is the best place for her considering her circumstances. I will just visit her as often as possible.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I have a new sleep schedule since I'm home, and its pissing me off.

I used to be able to stay up until at least 1, take the Xanax, and be out til 6. Now, I'm getting tired by 1130 to 12. So.. I take the Xanax, go to sleep, and I'm up at 4-430. Way too early. Sigh! I hope this doesnt become a vicious cycle. I'm one who, unless I have to get up very early, would rather sleep from 1 or 2 am to 6 or 7, than from 1130pm to 4am.

I'm hoping my sleep schedule will adjust.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Sorry to bump this few weeks old thread. I just wanted to thank everyone for their support in the thread. Sorry if I overlooked it, and didnt do it sooner, with all going on. I wanted to make sure that everyone knows how appreciative I am of the support.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

It just dawned on me that the whole devestating situation with my mom and the cancer started two years ago today, March 8, 2010, when I had to take her to Lancaster General after she coughed blood, and then the lung cancer was first diagnosed March 10th, 2010. Since then, its been two years of hell, with three calm months inbetween. Now, I'm awaiting the worst news of my life, which could come any day. Every time the phone rings, my heart goes into my mouth. Tragically, I know that it is just a matter of a short time until I get that horrible phone call, and I will have to deal with the sadness and pain when I do.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I just came up with a thought, considering my mom's demeanor to me.

I'd be lying if I didnt admit that it's nice not to have to go to the home and get cursed out today. I was thinking that henceforth, between now and the time my mom does pass, however long that is.. I go to the home six days a week, and do something fun on the 7th day. I e-mailed my father to ask his advice, but.. this is what I'm thinking about doing.

Everyone knows how much I love my mom. If she was sweet, kind and loving, I'd want to go every day. With the way she is acting, which I know isnt her fault because of the tumors.. its gut wrenching to go every day. At least this way I get a one day break each week.

Thats all. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Today was a nice break. I went to the off track place for 2 hrs, and to lunch. I lost a bit of money. Even though that was a bit frustrating, it wasnt as bad as going to the home and being called names by my mom all day. My dad said he thinks I should go only five days a week. I'm thinking six. I'll decide. I'm definitely going tomorrow, then wont be going Sat, due to seeing my dad.

I have to get a good night's sleep before the hysteria tomorrow. I'm sure she will light into me big time.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

I'm all for you getting a break whenever you can, but let me just caution you that when worse comes to worse, you may feel bad. It's not because you haven't been a good son or anything like that, because we all know you have.

I personally would be considered with possible guilt later. Good times or bad, these are the last time with your mom. You've done so much for her, and her suffering is almost over. Then you can heal and start your life once more, hopefully with a great outcome. You deserve it.

 

[Mitchell]

I understand what you're saying, Leo. My initial intent had been to visit the home every day, but Wednesday just showed me I needed a day off. As for my visit with my dad, I havent seen him in over two years, so I want to go. After that, I can play it by ear. I'll probably go as often as I can, at least six days a week, and maybe all seven.

Tomorrow is a new day of course, but I have a bad feeling that with the way my mom has been acting to me, tomorrow will be much like all the other previous days.

Mitch

 

[c7_assassin]

I think setting some designated time for yourself is the best thing you could possibly do. And as to the OP: alone is a state of mind. This might be good for you.

 

[Mitchell]

I agree with you, c7, about setting time aside for myself.

You mentioned this being good for me, and alone being a state of mind. While I see your point, I guess its the whole getting used to it process, and such, since I've never really lived alone. I'm trying to spend time productively in the evenings, sorting through things for my eventual move this summer. My mom has a lot of clothes , so I want to see what would have to be given to Goodwill, or sold, or just thrown out. She's a bit of what might be considered a "Hoarder". I dont go in her room that often when she was home, but now its different because shes not here. Each day I'll have to go through it some.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Asked To Leave... (The nursing home)

After skipping visiting my mom yesterday, I was hopeful that doing so might make her want to see me. I walked into her room today, and she went off on me again. She was so bad, that the nurses said she was disturbing her roommate, and the other patients, and the nurses asked me to leave. The nursing home director went back with me, and told her that her son came up to spend time with her, but she would have none of it. So, I left. Supposedly, my mom is very cooperative to the nurses usually, until and unless she sees me. I'm the villian in this whole thing, for placing her in the nursing home, even though my mom's doctors, the nurses, the nursing home director, etc, told me I have no other choice because I cant take care of her here.

The nursing home director told me that he is working on having her transferred to the Lancaster facility. It might take a week or two, but I hope it happens. This way, it will cost me a lot less money with the driver, and.. if I go there and she's abusive and throws me out, I can then do other things ariound town, without having taken that long trip.

I dont know how she is medically, or how long she has.. but.. unless she has a time of lucidity left, the reality is that my mother has left me, and that the person sitting in the wheelchair, is a miserable person in a thin version of my mom's body. It breaks my heart. After I left the nursing home, I came back to Lancaster, went to the mall for a bit, went into the bathroom, and cried.

I'm not going to go up there for several days. I'm seeing my father for the first time in 2 yrs tomorrow, will skip Sunday, and then my aunt is coming late Monday. I will take my aunt to see my mom on Tuesday, and see how my mom reacts. At this point, I'm thinking that if her behavior continues, I will visit her only 2-3 times a week, so that I can do other things. My dad says that she doesnt know I'm there anyway, so the visits are emotionally and financially draining, to accomplish nothing.

That's the latest. I'll post updates if needed.,

Mitch

 

[Myriads]

Seems you have a good plan for what to do. It makes sense, and there is no need to go through the abuse and emotional costs if it has no real impact on her.

You seem to be handling it well. Good on you.

Myriads

 

[kurchatovium]

Sorry you have to go through this Mitch, but you are handling it very well. You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers always.

 

[unclebill]

You poor guy.The only encouraging words I can give you are that you should be proud of yourself for showing so much dignity in dealing with your moms illness. I agree with the others that you are making all the right decisions, so just do the best you can and cut the visits down to a minimum. You are in my prayers, my friend.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Myriads. I agree with you that my plan is best under the circumstances. As for the handling it well, while I see your point, I'm not sure I agree 100%. I alternate between being devestated at this behavior, and what's going to happen to my mom, to being angry, with her, and fate, for her acting so hateful, that I cant spend her last days with her as we should. What scares me the most is I dont know if it's a normal reaction or not. My father and the nurses keep saying that i shouldnt take her behavior personally, because its the tumors talking, and not her. That's easier said than done.

Thanks, kurch. I appreciate it, my friend.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, bill. I missed your post when I made my previous one. Sorry about that.

Thanks for the encouragement.

You mentioned my being proud of myself with my dignity. My dad keeps saying this to me.. that I have gone "Above and Beyond" expectations for how I've dealt with this for two years. I have never seen it that way. The reason being that my mom was such a wonderful mother to me, giving in every way, that it is automatic to me, to be there for her in her time of need. I dont feel any sense of having done anything special. I more view it as what I'm supposed to do, morally, in being there for someone who has been so kind to me.

Mitch

 

[carol8961]

You definitely should be proud of yourself. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers! I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks for your prayers, carol. I appreciate it.

Mitch

 

[Libertine]

Both my parents, plus my sole remaining aunt, were so nasty by the time their respective ends came that each case engendered unfortunate and slightly guilt-provoking feelings of relief. This made all three deaths much easier to bear. Looks like this scenario may well figure prominently in your situation too, so don't feel too bad if you react the same way. Ultimately every funeral we attend is a small victory, like it or not. You're youngish, alive and still quite capable of taking a spring walk in the park and catching a pretty girl's eye. Enjoy it as you're now a witness to the alternative, which we all sample eventually.