What determines YOUR sense of self worth?

[TklDuo-Ann]

This question was inspired by a comment made in another thread. While I know that no offense was intended by the comment, it still pushed my buttons. So, I thought I'd ask others what they think. What determines or illustrates your own personal sense of self worth, self respect, etc.?

Over the years, I've heard many people say that you must be involved in certain things, hang with certain people, dress a certain way, etc. in order to be considered cool and your worth recognized. Whether we like to admit it or not, most of us have at least some set ideas about what (for us)determines how a person must feel about themselves.

I had one person who used to tell me repeatedly that I must be very depressed all the time because I almost always wore dark colored clothing. She'd repeatedly insist that I should wear lighter colored clothing. Apparently, to her, dark colors were depressing. She never did get it when I explained (repeatedly) that the reason she always saw me in dark clothing is that she always saw me right after work and that I wore dark clothing to avoid stains ruining my clothes. That's just one of many examples of others trying to dictate what I wear or do.

For some people, what they do or wear is a big factor in determining/expressing their sense of self respect and self worth. For me, as long as I'm neat, clean and comfortable, it doesn't much matter what I'm wearing. My sense of self worth comes from the person I am, not the clothing I wear, the people I hang out with or anything else. I don't do things to try to impress other people. I don't expect others to do things to try to impress me. And I certainly don't accept it when others try to dictate what I should or shouldn't do.

We've probably all had the experience of standing in line at a fast food place or in a store and had someone come along who we can smell before they even get close. The immediate reaction for many of us would likely be to be repulsed and think that they're slobs and need to learn what a bath is. But, who are we to judge? Who's to say that it's not some hard-working construction worker running in for a quick bite before heading back to the job? Perhaps that person who just walked in with dirt all over them is in the middle of gardening or something and needed to grab something quick in order to continue. Should they have gone inside, showered and changed before going out to get supplies to continue the dirty work they were doing?

We judge others much too easily! Most of us alwo allow ourselves to be judged too eailiy. But, whose fault is that? Most of us were raised with certain ideas about life. Various cultures have various senses about what is or isn't acceptable. The media certainly shoves it's own ideas down our throats at every opportunity. Where do we draw the line?

Perhaps it's because I'm something of a rebel. Or perhaps it's because I've had to fight like hell to regain a sense of who I am and my own self worth after repeated abuse over the years. Perhaps it's because I've seen so many others have to fight that same battle. But, I give no credence at all to what anyone else thinks I should be doing or wearing or who I should be associating with.

I determine my own rules and honor my own sense of what's important to me. I don't live by those of others or feel it necessary to attempt to get them to live by mine. And, for me, that proves my sense of self respect and self worth. It doesn't detract from it. Am I perfect? Of course not. Nobody is. But, I AM happy with who I am.

So, what determines your sense of self worth? Do you have your own ideas about things? Or are you content to follow what those around you have set as guidelines for who you should be?

 

[Saeria]

I will honestly say that i'm still guilty of determining my self worth on the value my presence is to other people, or rather of how much use am i to others? Over the years it's toned down considerably, but it still lingers. I still feel a little worthless when i notworking and providing for my family, or serving as a fountainhead of good cheer for friends and such. I've balanced it out, without fighting my inherit nature, by considering myself a person that could use me (if that makes any sense).
It's not all bad, it has pushed me to hone quite a few talents that later i appreciate and enjoy for myself.

 

[Adam]

My sense of self worth has less to do with what others think of me, but rather how I view myself. Generally feeling as though I'm being a productive human being does it for me.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

Thanks for the responses. Here's another example of what I'm talking about.

The Scottish lady who just blew everyone away on American Idol. Though the woman has an amazing gift, which should have been the main focus of attention, I heard nearly as many comment from people about her physical appearance as I did about what she was there for...to sing. Now, granted, if someone is going to be on stage for a performance upon which they are being judged, they may want to pay a bit more attention to their physical appearance than they normally would. But, does her lack of a "nicer"body, hairstyle or clothing take away from the gift that her voice is. No.

I can't help also thinking of the exchange in the movie "Across the Universe" in which two of the characters are arguing about whether it's what we do that determines who we are or who we are that determines what we do. In reality, both are true to an extent. But, in the end, the only important thing is that we are true to ourselves.

 

[BellaRisa]

Heh, my mother-in-law of 16 yrs still frets and fusses about how much black I wear; I'm a New Yorker, we wear black, get over it 😎

My feelings on this subject depend on the situation; as a preschool teacher I spend a large part of my time covered in various types of smelly ick, and that fact certainly doesn't reflect my level of self esteem-it just means my job has dirt and poop hazards . Now having said that, I'm not one who would go stand on line at the store and force my stink on others; I'm going to show that I respect myself and people around me and clean up a bit before heading out into public, if I have the opportunity (I get that a construction worker on a 10 minute break might not). Putting your best foot forward when you step out the door isn't the same as trying to impress people and caring overly what others think, IMO. Furthermore, while anyone who knows how I live my life knows that the last thing I care about is conforming, and I couldn't give a rat's patoot about the latest fashion or what have you, I do believe that your appearance can (can, not does) reflect who you want the world to see; and no matter how much we tell ourselves that others thoughts don't matter, we simply don't live on individual islands and what we project does indeed matter to some extent. When I host my semi-formal spanking/tickling event every few years I expect my guests to dress accordingly. Yes, comfort matters, but if you can't take a moment to spiff up a bit for a special occasion that I worked hard to put on I do feel it reflects what you think of both yourself and me. And the guys (it's always guys) who fuss about having to wear dockers and real shoes? They're always, always the guys who complain that no girls wanted to play with them OR never wanted to play with them twice. Now, is there a connection between one's attitude about their appearance and how well they'll take care of you in play? Maybe, maybe not but a connection definitely wouldn't surprise me or the bottoms I know

It reminds me of an intense conversation we had at my old preschool in Vermont a good 12 yrs ago: one of my co-workers was aghast that our Director had a dress code she wanted us to abide by. It was pretty easy: no holes in our jeans, no t-shirts with cartoons on them...basically we were to look they way you'd expect a kindergarten teacher to look. Only one of us had an issue; she felt that as hard as we worked with the kids plus the cleaning we all had to do it shouldn't matter what we looked like. I earned her ire by siding with our boss, and for good reason: the more professional we looked, the more seriously we were taken by the parents and the Big Bosses. And frankly, we took ourselves more seriously as well and felt we deserved more respect as educators (preschool and daycare people are often seen as less than teachers, it affects our pay and our benefits and such a great deal). My friend was right that it shouldn't matter, and our Director was right that it 'did' indeed matter and was a reflection of who we were and where we wanted to go

To answer the OP's question, I'd say my self worth is determined by knowing I'm doing the best I can in my various goals, from raising my girls to keeping my life-partners loved and happy to taking care of my body and my mind. If I can go to bed at night and know that I did my best that day (because every mom knows the To-Do list never really ends), I'm good 🙂

 

[steph]

For me it's been my accomplishments. The things that really matter. The lives I've touched, the people that are better because I reached out, beleived in them, considered them friends.

I was so stupid in my young 20s, I thought it was about what I looked like, because that was what people responded positively to, after living a life with parents that tried to tell me I was nothing since my childhood. In a way, they were right. What besides looks did I have to offer anyone? But. That was then and this is now. I'm a published writer and respected case manager for almost a decade at one of the world's most renowned teaching hospitals.

And I loved the Susan Boyle video Ann~I think that was a rude awakening for a lot of judgemental people. I hope she makes millions.
XOXO

 

[Fire_Sprite]

My self worth is determined by my accomplishments and friends. I have neither, so I have no self worth. Yay!

 

[desdemona]

To answer the OP's question, I'd say my self worth is determined by knowing I'm doing the best I can in my various goals, from raising my girls to keeping my life-partners loved and happy to taking care of my body and my mind. If I can go to bed at night and know that I did my best that day (because every mom knows the To-Do list never really ends), I'm good 🙂

I agree whole-heartedly. While I'm not a parent, I do try to take care of my mother. When I go to sleep at night, I try to reflect back on my day. If I can honestly say that I did the best of my ability at that time with what I knew, I can sleep easier. My self-worth comes from my being able to do what needs to be done - not by getting others to do what I want. I'd say it's an ongoing struggle and a daily confirmation.

As a side note, now that I'm the "boss" - I had to come up with my own Code of Conduct - that includes a dress code of sorts. I limit the piercings worn at work to earlobes only - much to many people's chagrin. But believe me, the risk of injury with other piercings is something I take seriously. If people don't like it, they can leave or find a compromise. I'm not telling them what to do on their own time, just during the few hours each day when they are on my dime (including workman's comp!).

 

[kurchatovium]

God wuvs me. Therefore I should wuv me too. 😛

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

I do believe that your appearance can (can, not does) reflect who you want the world to see; and no matter how much we tell ourselves that others thoughts don't matter, we simply don't live on individual islands and what we project does indeed matter to some extent. When I host my semi-formal spanking/tickling event every few years I expect my guests to dress accordingly. Yes, comfort matters, but if you can't take a moment to spiff up a bit for a special occasion that I worked hard to put on I do feel it reflects what you think of both yourself and me.

The difference comes in how each person defines that. If I'm invited to something for which I'm expected to dress up in something fancy, I generally decline the invitation. Health issues often make it difficult for me to get myself together to do things to begin with. To add having to get all dressed up and wear something that increases my level of discomfort just takes all the enjoyment out of things for me and distracts me from whatever the event is...and is often a distraction to others as well. That is a physical/medical fact of my life that I have no control over, not any indication of my attitude towards myself or anyone else. I know for a fact that I am not the only person for whom this is true.

I agree that appearance can be an indication of such things. What I have a problem with (and always have) is other people acting as if those who don't agree with the way they see things are somehow less respectful or less worthy of respect...which is how the comment that set me off came across. Who gets to determine what is or isn't acceptable? For your parties, that would be you. So, I would respectfully decline any invite from you if that is how you feel. I would be doing so both to spare myself the pain and you the obvious slight you would feel. I have no problem with that. In that case, you would be within your rights to require such.

In the case of NEST, I consider it to be an informal opportunity to hang out with friends. That's what it's always been for me. If others see it as something else, that's fine. But, it's not what it is for me. The day dressing up for it becomes a requirement is the day I stop coming.

I'm not alone, either. For the past 4 years, since the whole "dress to impress" idea started being pushed, I've had people coming to me saying the same thing and worried that they'll get into trouble with people if they don't dress up. We even had one guy arrive in town only to turn around and run out to buy a new outfit that he couldn't afford because the way it was presented made him fear that he wouldn't be accepted without doing so.

Understand. I have no problem with others dressing up. I think it's cool. I do have a problem with people constantly being made to feel uncomfortable by comments made in a way that imply that they are less than respectful or acceptable if they choose to not do so. The reason I chose to speak up is for their sake, not just in defense of myself.

I also happen to disagree with the idea that the manner in which someone is dressed determines how much trust should be given them. I've known plenty of people who dress very well who I wouldn't trust further than I could throw them...because they've proven themselves unworthy of that trust.

 

[Fangz]

My self worth is determined by my accomplishments and friends. I have neither, so I have no self worth. Yay!

Ultimately, the only person who can give you self worth is yourself. Think about that.

 

[BellaRisa]

The difference comes in how each person defines that. If I'm invited to something for which I'm expected to dress up in something fancy, I generally decline the invitation. Health issues often make it difficult for me to get myself together to do things to begin with. To add having to get all dressed up and wear something that increases my level of discomfort just takes all the enjoyment out of things for me and distracts me from whatever the event is...and is often a distraction to others as well. That is a physical/medical fact of my life that I have no control over, not any indication of my attitude towards myself or anyone else. I know for a fact that I am not the only person for whom this is true.

I agree that appearance can be an indication of such things. What I have a problem with (and always have) is other people acting as if those who don't agree with the way they see things are somehow less respectful or less worthy of respect...which is how the comment that set me off came across.

In the case of NEST, I consider it to be an informal opportunity to hang out with friends. That's what it's always been for me. If others see it as something else, that's fine. But, it's not what it is for me. The day dressing up for it becomes a requirement is the day I stop coming.

I'm not alone, either. For the past 4 years, since the whole "dress to impress" idea started being pushed, I've had people coming to me saying the same thing and worried that they'll get into trouble with people if they don't dress up. We even had one guy arrive in town only to turn around and run out to buy a new outfit that he couldn't afford because the way it was presented made him fear that he wouldn't be accepted without doing so.

Understand. I have no problem with others dressing up. I think it's cool. I do have a problem with people constantly being made to feel uncomfortable by comments made in a way that imply that they are less than respectful or acceptable if they choose to not do so. The reason I chose to speak up is for their sake, not just in defense of myself.

It's good that you chose to speak up! .

I know that there are people who choose not to attend events, some of mine included, if they're expected to dress nicely. Not even fancy, just *nicely*. It's just too much effort. I had a good friend and would-be guest cancel when I hosted a semi-formal spanking event with a Prom theme; he thought that was silly and wanted to wear jeans and sneakers, as he put it "I'm coming to spank some butt not look dolled up to do it"; he opted out and attended my next casual event, no harm no foul, it's always a choice 🙂. I do and always will feel that taking the time to spiff up just a tad for a once-per-year event shouldn't be that much of a trial; we attend totally informal events throughout the year these days, having one seen as extra special and sparkly is a good thing. And frankly if you're spending the time and money to attend such an event in the first place, I'm befuddled by the 'expense' of a grown person wearing something besides holey sneakers and dirty jeans Having said that, running out and spending money you don't have is just absurd, it's a shame that someone went to that trouble instead of just asking the hosts about it. It's not cool if folks feel judged if they choose to go casual when others want that event to be more than casual, but unfortunately when some folks make a special effort it's just annoying when others won't; that's just human nature, like that one dude in your row that won't do the Wave 😛 But seriously, it's one thing and completely understandable when people can't. But when they just won't because it's too much trouble, that's a different conversation.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I have no sense of self worth. I'm mostly disposable. I get off on helping people, but usually my laziness or inability to stay always focused makes others walk away. Can't say that I don't blame them.

I've been told that I could go away forever and nobody would care, and I've also been told that a housekeeper can do what I do.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

I agree in part, Bella. I wouldn't want people wearing ripped jeans, etc. either. But, for some people, a nice neat pair of jeans and nice shirt IS dressed up. So, again... Who gets to decide where to draw the line on what is/isn't acceptable if not the host?

The only reference to manner of dress I've ever seen in the rules is that clothing is a must. If we want to further define that, that's cool. Until then, everyone should be free to do as they like. Those who feel the need or desire to dress up should be free to do so. Those who do not feel that need/desire should be just as free. Sure, it may be human nature to hope that others will do the same things we do. But, that doesn't mean that they must. That's all I'm trying to point out.

Enough about others. Now for us. In reference to your befuddlement...We aren't talking about ripped jeans and sneakers. But, we aren't dressing up, either. Drew & I are on vacation that week. As we generally do, NEST is the start of that vacation. To us, part of being on vacation is being able to relax and enjoy ourselves without having to answer to anyone else. For others, an important part of going to an event like this is getting all dolled up. More power to them. For us, that just isn't the case. We go to see friends, not what they happen to be wearing or not wearing. And, we both have a great deal of respect for Lee as a person and as the new host of NEST.

It doesn't have to be either/or. There's absolutely nothing wrong with both/and.

 

[LD_Tickler]

I'm a competition slut. In the most general sense succeeding where others fail, or where I should have failed, partly influences my self worth. How others see me is important to me also.

But I kind of have a big ego, and really, our self worth is determined by whatever feeds the super ego.

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Wait-- is this thread about feelings of self-worth (or lack of) or about the Dress up NEST issue? 'Cus now I feel my previous post is off topic..

 

[venray]

lol it is indeed about self worth....which I measure in friends I have that agree to disagree on things and accept me for the way I am and I them....

 

[cloudgazer2k]

i rock. it's that simple. years ago, i never felt that way. after doing the things i've done and realizing the potential i have, i know that i can do most anything i want because i have the chutzpa to do so. anyone who thinks i'm not worth their time isn't worth mine.

anyone here can do that. all it takes is the simple realization that YOU hold infinite power over your destiny, and that you can create whatever you wish as long as you will it to happen.

 

[chicago]

My self worth is determined by the things I've done for my family, the lives I've saved, the responsibilities I've taken on, and the things I've accomplished with no help at such a young age.

My level-headedness, my determination, my intelligence, and even my sense of humor.

I think I'm a pretty decent homosapien.

 

[Snail Shell]

I am a worthy human being because I try to be.

Snail Shell

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

Wait-- is this thread about feelings of self-worth (or lack of) or about the Dress up NEST issue? 'Cus now I feel my previous post is off topic..

Both. This comment is the connection between the two.

Originally Posted by BellaRisa
I always think it's cool when we take an extra second to put ourselves together like we, you know, care about our appearance. Not only does it show self respect but I feel it shows that you care how hard people worked to make the special occasion *special*

The debate about whether or not to dress up for NEST and similar events is simply being used to illustrate the point that I was trying to make that we don't have to be dressed up in order to have a sense of self-worth, show respect for others, etc.

I also feel that we cannot dictate for one another what determines self worth. We all see things differently. So, what I may consider perfectly acceptable is going to be less accepted by someone else. I suspect it would go both ways, actually. So, who determines which is "Right"?

Each person in a debate may believe themselves to be correct in the points being made. But, neither has the right to say that the other must deny their own beliefs to follow what they believe. That's been done before. It was called the Inquisition. If I have a true sense of my own self worth and respect, I'm not going to bow to that. That is the point.

 

[BellaRisa]

WHAT

Each person in a debate may believe themselves to be correct in the points being made. But, neither has the right to say that the other must deny their own beliefs to follow what they believe. That's been done before. It was called the Inquisition. If I have a true sense of my own self worth and respect, I'm not going to bow to that. That is the point.

Woman, did you just compare this doofus little conversation to the freakin' Inquisition?? You win, I call shenanigans and I'm goin' to bed

 

[asutickler]

I just sort of do what I do and don't worry about it. If I don't live up to someone else's standards, I'm not exactly going to lose sleep over it. 🙂

 

[ali32]

I think it varies from person to person - for some it is about how they look, for others it is about contributions they've made, and there could be a million others.

It seems to me that the problem arises when the standards of 2 people don't match. One person may then feel inadequate when compared to the standards of worth, of another. I've encountered this in my extended family where some judge you on the type of car you drive or the size of your house. I couldn't care less about that stuff. I just get on with my own thing and let others get on with theirs.

ali32

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Woman, did you just compare this doofus little conversation to the freakin' Inquisition??

You took the words right from me.

It seems to me that this thread has two topics, and I'm going to respond to both.

1.) I base my self-worth mostly on what I do for others, how I'm able to help them, and whether or not I improve the lives of the people around me.

2.) Regarding dressing up -- I think there's a big difference between dressing up i.e. the prom, and taking a moment or two to put yourself together nicely. Some people aren't going to feel comfortable in a dress and heels. If I was in a dress and heels, I would feel *anything* but confidant and self-assured. I'd feel awkward and uncomfortable in my appearance. Therefore, I won't be sporting a dress at NEST or any other event that doesn't blatently require it. But the beauty of NEST and other events is, nobody is saying you have to. Therefore, I'm not concerned about the fact that other people, who feel good about themselves in those types of clothes, choose to wear them because they feel it communicates a certain positive message to themselves, people around them, and the organizers of the event. I'll wear something that I feel comfortable in physically, emotionally, and socially, and I'll be quite happy with that. I strongly encourage others to do the same.