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Blonde: "My job is so classy! When I go on business trips, they make sure I travel first class!" Brunette: "Aha! I wondered why you had stamps on your forehead!" * * * When I was younger, man did I hate going to church! All that "Stand up! Sit down! Kneel!" The damn priest could never figure...

My son is such an imaginative little lad! A good thing too, as it helps him deal with his older sister's bullying. Like, for a while his favorite toy was a construction worker figure; he called it his Handyman. When my daughter saw how much he was enjoying it, she broke its hands off, simply out...

Incoming: on April 11th, 2024, Orenthal James Simpson died from prostate cancer. In a related story, the cancer has been found Not Guilty. * * * The court ordered me and my brother to take blood tests. And I did great! Got an A! A lot better than my brother. He scored 0. * * * Prices are so...

He: "Honey, I have some terrible news. Your dad just hanged himself in his attic." She: "He what?!!!" He: "April Fools!" She: "Oh thank God!" He: "He actually hanged himself in our attic." * * * My cousin walked into a gay bar. An hour later he came out. * * * "What's the matter, Sam...

My travel agent brother-in-law always knows where the best hallucinogens can be found, which countries have the most liberal drug policies and and how to find hotel accommodations that are least likely rip you off when you're high. I'll never even contemplate another vacation without advice from...

One of King Arthur's knights never went on regular quests; he ran a counter-terrorism force within Camelot castle, always on the lookout for traitors or undercover operatives. He was so important to the kingdom, we remember his name to this day: Sir Valance. * * * The knight Sir Cumference...

My mom's always said, "There's no place like home!" So how come she's kicking up such a fuss now that I'm trying to move her into one? * * * Son: "I'm leavin' our old church, ma... lookin' ta become a Baptist! I wanna be born again!" Ma: "Please son, don't! It'll tear me apart!" * * * As...

My love partner keeps going on and on about how we should get into golden showers. I didn't even know what she was talking about and had her explain the concept; now that I know, I still don't understand. It's gone completely over my head. * * * Q: Which day of the year is a drill sergeant's...

Beer contains very little nutritional value. That's why you have to drink a lot of it for good health. * * * So my girlfriend and me have been fooling around with bondage lately. I just came home from work and asked her, "Well, do you want to be tied up?" "Knot tonight!" she replies. Now I...

I've gone back to the well of "Bridge Ahoy!" to deliver another expanded tickle scene, a redo of my previous treatment of the cartoon. This isn't simply an upgrade, however; it's twice as long and employs an entirely rethought approach. Increased experience with my video editing software has...

After his death, I inherited a handsome sum from my uncle. I wasn't particularly thrilled... unc was a mathematician. * * * Brunette: "My Aunt Clarice is flying in from Alaska! I haven't seen her since I was a kid! When she gets off the plane, I'm gonna give her the biggest hug she's ever...

As a practical joke, I smeared a gob of glue on each one of the playing cards the day wife and her friends had their bridge game planned. I figured she'd think the stuck together deck was funny, but no... she couldn't deal with it. * * * Customer: "I'll have a Dickens martini, please."...

A huge storm nearly tore our town apart last week! Clouds barreled in over the hills and rain poured down by the bucketful. It wasn't the water that did the damage... it was all those damn barrels and buckets! * * * He: "Before moving to California, I used to brush my teeth by hand." She: "Is...

Could the romance be over? Since my girl's started taking Ozempic, I've begun seeing less and less of her. * * * The Fruit of the Loom Corporation no longer holds board meetings. Instead, they've instituted brief chats. * * * I shell out $300 for a course that's supposed to help me date...

I'm in my 80s now and live alone. Even so, it gives me such a warm feeling to know I haven't been forgotten! That there's someone out there who really cares and calls me every day without fail! So touching! So considerate! And so helpful! The guy is super concerned about my car warranty! * * *...

He: "I consulted a psychic today. She told me I'd die during sex!" She: "Don't look so downcast! You know that'll be years from now! And at least it'll be a quick death!" * * * I worry about my blond sister. She was so desperate for gas money last week, she sold her car. * * * To save on...

It's early in January and I already have my first date lined up! Needless to say, I'm dressing my best... you're supposed to for Superior Court. * * * Ancient Peruvians used owls as hunting birds. These animals were extremely reliable and cooperative; not at all surprising, as they were Inca...

It's been said that a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid so much less than men. * * * When I was in elementary school I was constantly being suspended. The class bully liked to dangle me off the side of the building. * * * "I hear that your girlfriend burned...

Putin is woken up by one of his generals, who tell his, "Comrade President, the Ukrainians wish to discuss surrender terms!" "Well it's about time!" Putin gloats as he clambers out of bed. "Get Zelensky on the phone!" "No need," the general replies. "He and the Ukranian army are right...

We're all going to miss Grandma this Christmas, but we know she'll looking down on us from above; the stairlift repair man can't get here until after the holidays. * * * Q: Which is the oldest genre of music? A: Rock. It comes from the Stone Age. * * * My wife regularly insists that I put...