Dating Single Mothers

[kis123]

Couldn't have said it better myself!!! 🙂

That was a lesson I had to actually live, but in the reverse. My ex always put my kids (and especially our daughter) before me. I felt like something between an indentured servant and a fith wheel! He claimed that's how things worked in his culture-my interpretation was his culture treated women like s*it! I swore I'd never get treated like that again and I haven't.

If a family dynamic is ran in the way it's supposed to, partners won't feel like they're on the outside looking in, build trust, and extend their hearts to the entire family.

Hope your next relationship brings you the happiness you're looking for.

 

[huskys]

That was a lesson I had to actually live, but in the reverse. My ex always put my kids (and especially our daughter) before me. I felt like something between an indentured servant and a fith wheel! He claimed that's how things worked in his culture-my interpretation was his culture treated women like s*it! I swore I'd never get treated like that again and I haven't.

If a family dynamic is ran in the way it's supposed to, partners won't feel like they're on the outside looking in, build trust, and extend their hearts to the entire family.

Hope your next relationship brings you the happiness you're looking for.

A friend once told me one of the greatest gifts you can ever give to your children is to show them how much you love their mother.
And you know somthin' ................ I agree!!! 🙂

Good luck to you too.

 

[Sandrock74]

You will never be number one to her, ever.

Ah, the ultimate irony. If she can never, ever put me first, then why am I expected to put her first in my life? It's a paradox.

 

[TonyInMyThroat]

Ah, the ultimate irony. If she can never, ever put me first, then why am I expected to put her first in my life? It's a paradox.

I don’t think I would have much respect for a mother that put anyone before her children.

 

[kis123]

I don’t think I would have much respect for a mother that put anyone before her children.

She'd better put herself and her needs first before anyone elses or she isn't gong to be strong enough for her children. Where does she get her needs met? Through her relationship with her spouse/partner Tony! Are you familiar with the oxygen mask theory Tony; if not let me know and I'll gladly inform you. That spouse/partner is her oxygen mask; she is the one to breath in it first-then she can tend to the needs of her children. Without it she's going to run out of air and strength-then how is she best meeting her kids' needs?

It is the husband/wife/partner relationship that should come first; the interests of the child only come first if they don't supercede the needs of the relationship. If you don't nurture that relationship, it'll die; you'll have nurtured kids but a dead spousal/partner relationship.

Some of you need to start digging deeper and not just focus on the surface; if it weren't for that relationship, would you have kids in the first place? These kids are dependent upon you for everything; without the strength of the relationship, the kids will be short-changed, I promise you.

I don't know any man who's going to play second fiddle in his home to anyone, nor should he. This is one of the reasons marriages break down after the family is started.

Your mindset is the major reason why men don't want to date women with children. If he can't feel he's first in that woman's life, why bother? I know exactly how they feel because I wasn't put first in my marriage and at times it made me bitter and wish I was anywhere but the situation I was in.

I'm not saying for her to wait on the man hand-and-foot while the kids' needs starve! Women have to put the work in and either balance things or settle on being single until the kids are grown. Then she can devote all her time to them when they're young and to a relationship after the kids are grown. It doesn't work both ways Tony; it simply doesn't.

So you're trying to tell me that if your wife dotes on your kids and treats you like second fiddle, you're not going to be the least resentful? You're not gonna' feel like a walking wallet when you used to feel like the center of her world? I'm doubting you'll sit around and take that quietly Tony; I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

There is nothing wrong with women loving their children, but if you're not careful to balance that with the relationship, she'll become another single parent because a man doesn't stay where he doesn't feel belonged.

 

[Fire_Sprite]

I think people are mixing up "first priority" and "only priority." Yes, any mother who's kids were her only priority would end up as an obsessive over protective shell of a human being. But that's not to say that her kids should never be at the forefront of her thoughts.

Take me for instance, school is my first priority. I like to party, but I'd never stay up all night before I have a test. I care about my job, but I'll take time off if I have a project to finish. But despite the emphasis I place on my education, it certainly doesn't occupy all (or even most) of my time.

 

[TonyInMyThroat]

So you're trying to tell me that if your wife dotes on your kids and treats you like second fiddle, you're not going to be the least resentful? You're not gonna' feel like a walking wallet when you used to feel like the center of her world? I'm doubting you'll sit around and take that quietly Tony; I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

There is nothing wrong with women loving their children, but if you're not careful to balance that with the relationship, she'll become another single parent because a man doesn't stay where he doesn't feel belonged.

There’s a big difference between keeping the interests of the children as first priority and being ignored in a relationship kis. I’m not advocating to abandon the needs of your SO at the whim of a child’s temper tantrum, but when it comes to a choice between the well being of the child and the feelings of a SO, I not only expect the child to come first, I insist upon it. To do otherwise in my opinion is petty & selfish on the guy’s part. The well being of the child should be top priority for both adults in the relationship.

 

[penny lane]

What Kis123 said was right.

The last thing I want to hear is that the "kids come first, always..." What does that mean? When a couple marries they are supposed to come first with one another, be a team, both looking out for the children together. A second spouse or SO is supposed to settle for less and welcome that?

Once the kids are grown and have moved out then the parent/parents who raised them are alone. Few people will choose to come in behind everyone else in the line of importance. Let's see, "Could I help you put a roof over their head, food on the table and then...oh yes, come in last on everything...please?" When you tell people "My kids come first," you might as well say, "Don't count on being loved, respected or valued as much as you deserve to be."

 

[ikaiyoo]

You will never be number one to her, ever.

Many folks can't accept that.

Other then that, she's still a human. She just has another little human with her.

That is correct you will never be first in her life. But in time if it works out her child will become first in yours so it is ok. It is all about a persons station in life. alot of younger men (yes I am generalizing) are not up for the whole turn key family thing. They just arnt ready to be a father much less play father figure with a child who already has one. But I think or at least in my case, that as time has gone on that it isnt as important if they have a child or not. Because i am looking to settle down and start a family anyways. So "buying" into a family is not that much of an issue with me.

And in all honesty, if you get married with someone and have a child you are no longer first in your life or theirs the child you have together is. So it isnt that hard of a concept to deal with.

Yeah the scheduling thing can be an issue. But if she is worth your time to persue then she should be worth your time to be patient enough to make time to see her when you can. And, nothing is written that you cannot include the child in your plans. Maybe not the first date, but down the road if things develope.

 

[RobAce]

I have read this thread many times, and think I finally have put together some kind of a response.

First off, I am pretty much in the same situation. I am a single dad. So it is easier for me I think to see things from both sides of the aisle. First off I would date a single mother, without a second thought. Just because a woman has a child does not make them less of a woman, but honestly to me it makes them MORE of a woman. Many women with children have priorities, have their head on straight and tend to risk less because they KNOW they are responsible for a child. It makes them a lot more caring but I will agree cautious. It may take awhile to work things out but when you do that relationship could be the best you have ever had. A child will complicate things yes, but when given a chance children can be a wonderful asset. They are marvelous, remarkable little people that continue to amaze everyday.
My personal opinion is that women with children should not be disregarded just because they have a child. It should be about the person first. If you like them and they like you, why not take a shot. They may be a mother but they are still a woman.
Now if you do not want kids and have no desire to be around them, then yes certainly do not give it a thought because the child will come first and will be there.
My situation is pretty much the same. As a single dad it is hard to find someone because anyone who would like to date me has to understand I come with a "ready made" family. I have 2 girls that I love and adore more than anything else. And they love me.
But what many of you do not understand is that it is a different kind of love. My children and I have unconditional love. I love them and they love NO MATTER WHAT. I am their daddy, and that is all that matters. They are my girls and that is all that matters. All other love is conditional. So you need to make sure that you can handle those conditions before getting involved.
Many women are not looking for a "dad" for their kids, most of them already have that. They are looking for a partner for them. An adult to complete them, but someone who will at least treat the kids with care.
The issue with the ex's is also sometimes a deal breaker, but sometimes the harder you work for something and the more problems or issues you overcome make the relationship that much more special.

I personally deal with women that are on the fence about dating me, for many of the reasons all of you outlined. But let me say as a representative for single parents that it is your loss for not giving us at least a chance.
We are loving caring people, with feelings, hopes, dreams and aspirations. We just happen to have children. Granted there is the acceptance of the "family" that you have to be able to deal with, but as I learned this weekend and know every day of my life, family is a wonderful thing.

Do not be so quick to dismiss, give people a chance. You may be surprised. But if you do give it a chance and can not deal with it, make sure you do not string it along. We are understanding people too. And appreciate honesty a lot more than you think.

Rob

 

[kis123]

I think people are mixing up "first priority" and "only priority." Yes, any mother who's kids were her only priority would end up as an obsessive over protective shell of a human being. But that's not to say that her kids should never be at the forefront of her thoughts.

Take me for instance, school is my first priority. I like to party, but I'd never stay up all night before I have a test. I care about my job, but I'll take time off if I have a project to finish. But despite the emphasis I place on my education, it certainly doesn't occupy all (or even most) of my time.

Thank you!

My ex was obsessed with a "my children deserve the best" mentality. He ran us into near abject poverty with homes we couldn't afford, private schools that weren't in the budget, purchases we didn't have the resources for. In his mind, having the "best" was tangible stuff. My definition of "best" was making sure homework was done, that they behaved like human beings, and that they were prepared for adulthood. The word "no" is paramount in raising kids; all I see nowadays are a bunch of spoiled, overindulged wusses who can't handle the word "no!"

This twist on "put my kids first" has led to some of the biggest problems in kids and young adults who simply aren't prepared to be handed the baton of life and it's parents' (not just the single ones) fault.

In order to keep on course with the OP, The key is balance. It's a tough juggling act, but once the children are on the scene, you have to juggle it around or you're going to drop the ball somewhere in the relationship realm.

And yes fire sprite, the fact that we actually agree on something deserves a national holiday complete with a parade and fireworks as dusk! Thanks for your input.

 

[Sandrock74]

And in all honesty, if you get married with someone and have a child you are no longer first in your life or theirs the child you have together is. So it isnt that hard of a concept to deal with.

This is true, but when the child in question has a different biological parent, then three adults are in the child rearing relationship and believe me, it is a very awkward experience! I now firmly believe that a successful and (slightly) less stressful relationship is best when between two adults, not three.

Just speaking from my own personal experiences, I still don't understand how I was supposed to be buddies with the biological father. We had no common interests, I was raising his son in every conciveable way in his voluntary absence (which was never acknowledged) and I was supposed to be ok with him wanting to all of a sudden wanting to be a part of his sons life, totally disrupting our family dynamic. I already had no respect for him due to his past actions and my opinion wasn't about to change. He still wasn't paying off on his HUGE back amount of child support (I believe he still isn't).

I was basically cut out of the decision making in regards to raising the child. I was relegated to babysitter essentially. The ironic thing was, while he was still claiming he wasn't working and she was off work for surgery, that left me the only working adult and my money was still accepted, even if my opinions and decisions were not.

Relationships can be difficult enough among two adults without adding in a child...and another adult on top of that!

I did learn many things from all of this thou, which I suppose is a good thing. I understand we all have ex's out there but for me, "Less history, more mystery." to quote Dr. Drew. I was completely uncomfortable in any dealings with another man who had had sex with my wife. Apparantly they were fine with it and I did communicate my feelings about all this to her, which just got me the infamous "Just deal with it." response. The next day, he's over my house hanging around. Tell me, how do I deal with that exactly?

Sorry, I feel like I'm taking over this thread. I guess this topic hits close to home and I start ranting. I'll try to keep my trap shut.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

I have read this thread many times, and think I finally have put together some kind of a response.

First off, I am pretty much in the same situation. I am a single dad. So it is easier for me I think to see things from both sides of the aisle. First off I would date a single mother, without a second thought. Just because a woman has a child does not make them less of a woman, but honestly to me it makes them MORE of a woman. Many women with children have priorities, have their head on straight and tend to risk less because they KNOW they are responsible for a child. It makes them a lot more caring but I will agree cautious. It may take awhile to work things out but when you do that relationship could be the best you have ever had. A child will complicate things yes, but when given a chance children can be a wonderful asset. They are marvelous, remarkable little people that continue to amaze everyday.
My personal opinion is that women with children should not be disregarded just because they have a child. It should be about the person first. If you like them and they like you, why not take a shot. They may be a mother but they are still a woman.
Now if you do not want kids and have no desire to be around them, then yes certainly do not give it a thought because the child will come first and will be there.
My situation is pretty much the same. As a single dad it is hard to find someone because anyone who would like to date me has to understand I come with a "ready made" family. I have 2 girls that I love and adore more than anything else. And they love me.
But what many of you do not understand is that it is a different kind of love. My children and I have unconditional love. I love them and they love NO MATTER WHAT. I am their daddy, and that is all that matters. They are my girls and that is all that matters. All other love is conditional. So you need to make sure that you can handle those conditions before getting involved.
Many women are not looking for a "dad" for their kids, most of them already have that. They are looking for a partner for them. An adult to complete them, but someone who will at least treat the kids with care.
The issue with the ex's is also sometimes a deal breaker, but sometimes the harder you work for something and the more problems or issues you overcome make the relationship that much more special.

I personally deal with women that are on the fence about dating me, for many of the reasons all of you outlined. But let me say as a representative for single parents that it is your loss for not giving us at least a chance.
We are loving caring people, with feelings, hopes, dreams and aspirations. We just happen to have children. Granted there is the acceptance of the "family" that you have to be able to deal with, but as I learned this weekend and know every day of my life, family is a wonderful thing.

Do not be so quick to dismiss, give people a chance. You may be surprised. But if you do give it a chance and can not deal with it, make sure you do not string it along. We are understanding people too. And appreciate honesty a lot more than you think.

Rob

THANK YOU! As a single parent, I agree completely with Rob. I purposely did not date after the divorce due to adjusting for myself and helping my sons adjust. It takes time. Anyone that knows me, knows that my life has been my sons. I dont regret that for a moment. Now that they are older...and becoming young men, they take up less time. They will always be an intregal part of my life in one way or another. Now I am ready to date, but if I go by alot of the comments here...I might as well hibernate because it sounds like there really isnt a chance for a single woman like me. Especially an OLDER single woman. Try throwing that into the equation! It just takes maturity and willingness. I feel I have alot to give a person, but if it doesnt happen, it doesnt happen. It is a great question though and a good subject to discuss.

 

[huskys]

I don’t think I would have much respect for a mother that put anyone before her children.

No one is suggesting that any parent, male or female, put their children last.
The point people are trying to make is if you make a big deal about how any potential partner in your life will take a major back seat in the whole show, then expect the relationship to fail.
The love for your partner and children are completely different. Only someone who has been there would understand that.
If you can't manage to separate the two, then take my original advice and stay single.
And be careful if you have more kids, in case you think its ok to love them unevenly too!!!!!

 

[TonyInMyThroat]

No one is suggesting that any parent, male or female, put their children last.
The point people are trying to make is if you make a big deal about how any potential partner in your life will take a major back seat in the whole show, then expect the relationship to fail.
The love for your partner and children are completely different. Only someone who has been there would understand that.
If you can't manage to separate the two, then take my original advice and stay single.
And be careful if you have more kids, in case you think its ok to love them unevenly too!!!!!

Perhaps you missed my original advice in this thread where I suggested anyone looking for a family oriented relationship should consider embracing a single mother who is willing to sacrifice for the benefit of the children. The decision to join that endeavor could be much more rewarding than living life whining about not getting enough attention.

And yes, being the happy father to children of two marriages for over twenty years has certainly biased my opinion on the subject.

 

[huskys]

Perhaps you missed my original advice in this thread where I suggested anyone looking for a family oriented relationship should consider embracing a single mother who is willing to sacrifice for the benefit of the children. The decision to join that endeavor could be much more rewarding than living life whining about not getting enough attention.

This I agree with.
Single mothers have to have their head on straight, because as you know, nothing keeps you on your toes like kids, and I know some wonderful examples of dedicated single moms.
The point I was trying to make, however, is that the biggest mistake any parent can make (single or otherwise) is to use the kids as an excuse to treat their partner badly.
If you are not ready to give at least part of yourself in a relationship, then simply don't get involved in one.
Coming across all tough and brash and trying to put your partner "in their place" so to speak, is not a good example of how a family should be, and is a terrible example for the kids anyway!!!

 

[KrazieDog]

I have read this thread many times, and think I finally have put together some kind of a response.

First off, I am pretty much in the same situation. I am a single dad. So it is easier for me I think to see things from both sides of the aisle. First off I would date a single mother, without a second thought. Just because a woman has a child does not make them less of a woman, but honestly to me it makes them MORE of a woman. Many women with children have priorities, have their head on straight and tend to risk less because they KNOW they are responsible for a child. It makes them a lot more caring but I will agree cautious. It may take awhile to work things out but when you do that relationship could be the best you have ever had. A child will complicate things yes, but when given a chance children can be a wonderful asset. They are marvelous, remarkable little people that continue to amaze everyday.
My personal opinion is that women with children should not be disregarded just because they have a child. It should be about the person first. If you like them and they like you, why not take a shot. They may be a mother but they are still a woman.
Now if you do not want kids and have no desire to be around them, then yes certainly do not give it a thought because the child will come first and will be there.
My situation is pretty much the same. As a single dad it is hard to find someone because anyone who would like to date me has to understand I come with a "ready made" family. I have 2 girls that I love and adore more than anything else. And they love me.
But what many of you do not understand is that it is a different kind of love. My children and I have unconditional love. I love them and they love NO MATTER WHAT. I am their daddy, and that is all that matters. They are my girls and that is all that matters. All other love is conditional. So you need to make sure that you can handle those conditions before getting involved.
Many women are not looking for a "dad" for their kids, most of them already have that. They are looking for a partner for them. An adult to complete them, but someone who will at least treat the kids with care.
The issue with the ex's is also sometimes a deal breaker, but sometimes the harder you work for something and the more problems or issues you overcome make the relationship that much more special.

I personally deal with women that are on the fence about dating me, for many of the reasons all of you outlined. But let me say as a representative for single parents that it is your loss for not giving us at least a chance.
We are loving caring people, with feelings, hopes, dreams and aspirations. We just happen to have children. Granted there is the acceptance of the "family" that you have to be able to deal with, but as I learned this weekend and know every day of my life, family is a wonderful thing.

Do not be so quick to dismiss, give people a chance. You may be surprised. But if you do give it a chance and can not deal with it, make sure you do not string it along. We are understanding people too. And appreciate honesty a lot more than you think.

Rob

^ There is my answer. Well said Rob. And if you are mature enough to take on or handle all of the possibilities you mentioned in the original post then by all means don't exclude women just because they have a child. The two greatest people I ever dated were single parents, and they both taught me a lot.

 

[MrMidnyte]

multiple tries, personal experience

I've dated, to this date, 3 mothers of varying ages. My first always wanted to hang out, which meant she neglected her child, the second was a stay at home mom with 3 kids...who apparently wanted to make more with me( she sprung it on me when she knew I'm not ready at the moment). Bad luck so far right? Well the most recent was the first I actually met her child. Honestly I wasn't ready for it but I played the hand I was dealt. She laid down rules which was basically saying no affection when around her son. To which I respected whole-heartedly, until she was the one to start crossing the line with conversations around him and trying to get kisses and things of that sort. When I refused, she called me distant( her son is 8 and only been away from his father for 1 year). From having nephs and nieces myself, I know at that age they notice any and EVERYTHING! It got to the point her son told his father and he started to look for me. The situation was one I didn't need in my life at the moment so I broke it off. Just like other posts have said...each woman acts different. Its really up to you if you wish to handle it. At this moment in time, through my trials and errors, I would like a single childless woman.

 

[steph]

Check her baggage at the door babe...😉
If there's restraining orders, ongoing custody hearings, hard feelings, etc. and this becomes serious, her problems will be yours (you'd have to REALLY love her!)
XOXO

 

[kis123]

Check her baggage at the door babe...😉
If there's restraining orders, ongoing custody hearings, hard feelings, etc. and this becomes serious, her problems will be yours (you'd have to REALLY love her!)
XOXO

With all due respect goddess, she could have those issues without kids (except the custody thing). Most of what you addressed happens with single or divorced/childless women.

And btw, everyone has baggage and it should be checked at the door!😉

 

[steph]

Very true m'darling Goddess
But. I do think that those who come w/kiddos potentially bring other problems to the table that someone childless does not. Agreed?
XOXO

With all due respect goddess, she could have those issues without kids (except the custody thing). Most of what you addressed happens with single or divorced/childless women.

And btw, everyone has baggage and it should be checked at the door!😉

 

[kis123]

Very true m'darling Goddess
But. I do think that those who come w/kiddos potentially bring other problems to the table that someone childless does not. Agreed?
XOXO

Certainly! But where I differ would be that many of those issues can be overcome if both partners learn to bend but not break to the pressures the relationship could bring. They'll be stronger as parents and the children will learn how a relationship should be.

 

[steph]

Oh very very true!
But. I must consider myself damaged goods in this department. My pop got custody of us girls and married a ball breaker, determined to never let a man run her life. As a result, she destroyed what little chance I had for a relationship with him. This is one slippery slope.
XOXO

Certainly! But where I differ would be that many of those issues can be overcome if both partners learn to bend but not break to the pressures the relationship could bring. They'll be stronger as parents and the children will learn how a relationship should be.

 

[kis123]

Oh very very true!
But. I must consider myself damaged goods in this department. My pop got custody of us girls and married a ball breaker, determined to never let a man run her life. As a result, she destroyed what little chance I had for a relationship with him. This is one slippery slope.
XOXO

You are absolutely right!

My stepmonster intentionally put so much animosity between my father and us that we got to a certain age and just dropped off the radar! She wanted to have him to herself and did whatever she could to get rid of me and my sisters. She was an evil witch whos death I desired on a regular basis

My son was about two years old and I took him over my father's house. She was showing her signs of alzheimers and the only thing she could say was "isn't he cute!" She didn't remember me at all! That day was the day I forgave her for the horrible injustice she put my family through. How can you hold someone accountable when they simply don't remember you exist?

I have since had a relationship with one of my stepsisters that is nothing short of phenominal. We re-introudced ourselves at my father's funeral in 2001. She refused to take "no" for an answer; now our families are bonded in a way we can't even relate to our blood relatives. It's a beautiful thing and we've bonded and healed in many ways.

My apologies to the OP for a slight change of direction. I belive the goddess and myself have more in common than some and felt the need to discuss it. I won't divert this thread again, I promise!!

 

[steph]

Yep. I'm done too m'love.
But I'm not so sure we're that far off topic, I mean he's asking about dating this gal, one presumes the entire reason for dating is to find a life partner and since the kids are already there, he needs to see or at least to consider their life together in the long term, kids and all.

So Mr.P~what say you? Have you made your decision yet about her?
XOXO

My apologies to the OP for a slight change of direction. I belive the goddess and myself have more in common than some and felt the need to discuss it. I won't divert this thread again, I promise!!