My grandmother just died an hour ago...

[ChosenofMystra]

And I sit here, in a quiet house not knowing if the full realization of what happened has shook me yet. The woman who shared my home since I was a baby has left me, and won't be coming back. The woman who grew up with me and shared in all my joy, in all my fear, in all my anger is gone....and all I feel is numb...as though I've been hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer forged of ice.

This was a woman who loved me when nobody else would, this was a woman who always had a spare moment to listen to my problems and offer me her advice and wisdom...and the last thing I said to her before she died was at 12:30 this morning, when I apologized if I had woke her getting a glass of water....she died 9 hours later, I never got to tell her how much I loved her and that she meant the world to me.

I am so, so sorry for being such a miserable, disgusting person. Im sitting here, trying to still my hands as they keep trembling, and I'm lost...I don't know what I should do or where I should go....I feel so empty and drained at this point.....I apologize for this post, I just need to find solace and writing is my only outlet...I have no one else in my life to go to.

I miss her terribly but cannot express it...and I fee like a wretch for not crying...

 

[Bugman]

I am so, so sorry for being such a miserable, disgusting person.

You are none of those things my friend.I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss.: Get it touch if you need to.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

We each express our feelings in different ways, Chosen. You do what you need and are able to for yourself and those around you. Beyond that, nobody can ask more of you. It's only human nature to condemn ourselves for not being as strong as we expect to be. Voicing your pain proves the strength that lies underneath, not that there's something wrong or bad about you. You and yours will be in my prayers.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

brother, you are never a miserable, disgusting person. you are too articulate, kind and caring to be so.
your grandmother knew. she knew the first day she laid eyes on you when you met for the first time. and she knew every time you were around each other. there was never a moment in her life where she doubted your love for her.
know she can look down upon you from her home, and continue laughing at your jokes and praying for you when you are troubled.

never feell bad for not being able to cry. we all express our emotions differently. just don't force it.

 

[kurchatovium]

My deepest sympathies to you Chosen. I have lost all my grandparents so I know how hard it can be. As for tear perhaps these words might be of some help for you.

Charles Mackay:

Oh, you tears,
I'm thankful that you run.
Though you trickle in the darkness,
you shall glitter in the sun.
The rainbow could not shine if the rain refused to fall;
And the eyes that cannot weep are the saddest eyes of all.

Give yourself time to sort through things and time to grieve. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Peace and wuv.

 

[Michael514]

I am so sorry for your loss. My grandmother and I were very close too. You are not a miserable person. Please if you neeed to vent or talk pm me I'll be happy to listen. My prayers and thoughts go out to you.

 

[isabeau]

i'm very sorry for your loss..i don't understand why you say you are a disgusting person....it's so hard to lose a loved one...

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

I am very sad by your loss Chosen. You are not a miserable disgusting person and you have a right to grieve however you want. I hope you can keep the memories of her in head and hope you'll be okay.

 

[kered]

You aren't alone. My grandmother and I were very close too. I lost her two years ago Thanksgiving. In fact, she was the one who got me interested in tropical birds. I also felt bad that I didn't tell her how I felt about her before she passed. But a friend of hers straightened me out by simply telling me that my grandmother knew how I felt. I bet your grandmother knew how you felt also by the way you two interacted with each other. It's OK to grieve but also remember the times she smiled at you. I know it's small comfort but it does help.

 

[drew70]

Not to worry, brother. The tears will come, but more importantly you've immortalized this wonderful lady in your heart, where in a sense, she'll live as long as you do. You'll find going forward that her words of comfort and deep wisdom will still be with you.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

My friend, my ears and my heart are yours...

My box is always open to you. I have no grandparents anymore...and I myself am sorry I never got to tell my grandmother how wonderful she was...

 

[RobAce]

My sincerest condolences to you Chosen.
This is certainly a tragic day for you.

I will hope that you get through this.

Be well, and take care.

Rob

 

[kilitiinko1]

I`m so sorry to hear of your loss,Chosen!

It`s never easy to lose someone we love,Chosen! Give yourself some time to sort things out.We all grieve differently,and sometimes it takes a while to realize that we must! Rest assured,she will be with you for the rest of your days.REmember her often,especially the wonderful times you had together! The pain of your loss will always be there,but the joy of her life and your memories of her will mask that pain in time! Hang in there,my friend,and know that you are not alone!

 

[brianspencer66]

Dont be so hard on yourself in this moment of grief. Your grandmother parted from you but she gave you much wisdom she knew you loved her. She was once of youth herself she may have understood you more than you understood your own youthful confusion. Now is a time to cotemplate get in touch with your sorrow but one day you will rejoyce. You will embrace the light at the end of the tunnel, and the angels will sing and her voice will be the loudest.

 

[steph]

All but one of my grandparents are dead too and for mental condition she might as well be. (The last "present" she sent me was a box full of doll heads, doll arms and doll legs. Yes, she collects dolls.) Your grandmother knew you loved her. Just try and get some rest for now, and try and forgive yourself. You're just in shock right now probably, the tears will come in time.

Grandparents are such amazing treasures. They're here with us long enough to impart their wisdom and once they're satisfied their job is done, they leave us, maybe onto another life even, where they can be magical for someone else who needs them.

You're a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. I hope you and your grandma will both find peace..
XOXO

 

[Tick L]

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss,my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I really hope everything works out for you. Take care.

 

[kis123]

You're not a miserable disgusting person because you're not slumped in a puddle of tears. Besides, I guarantee you a time will come when those tears will fall seemingly out of nowhere. Right now, you just lost your best friend; the emotions are coming so fast that you can't even process them. Give yourself some time just to accept and deal with your loss. You just might not process grief like other members of your family.

Take care of yourself during this crisis and stop beating yourself up! You'll never get over the loss, but you'll learn how to live with it and move forward with your life.

I wish you the best and you're in my thoughts.

 

[Mitchell]

Chosen, I am very sorry to hear of the passing of your grandmother. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
The loss of a grandparent is a most profound thing. My grandparents have all passed. My maternal grandfather died suddenly when I was 19, and I remember taking off from college for a week, and just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling like I had been robbed of the best male image in my life. When my grandmother died six years later, I had matured somewhat, but it was still a most devastating loss.
While one can never offer advice about how to cope, I found for myself, that by surrounding myself with good friends, and loved ones, it helped me get through those most bitter and somber times. I do hope that you have solace and support of some form.
Again, my deepest condolences to you.

Mitch

 

[Mastertank1]

Sincere condolences, man.

I know how it feels; all four of my grandparents and both parents are gone, all during my life, the most recent my mom three years ago.
I feel for you; I know how tough that can be.
Mitch

 

[LindyHopper]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I could think of something more useful to say.

Well, one thing I suppose... your relationship with your grandmother isn't defined by how it ended. The last time I saw my grandmother, all she could talk about was how miserable she was, how much she hated the doctors, how much she wanted to go home, and would I take her there, please??? And all I could do was hold her hand, smile sympathetically, and refuse. I'm not sure she even knew who I was.

But that was just the end, you know? It wasn't more important than all those years before, all the time we spent together, and all the things she taught me.

I know you wish you could've told her, in those last moments, how much she meant to you. But the way you shared your lives all those years before today... I think she knew, don't you?

 

[aun_existe_amor]

Don't feel bad for talking to us. Talking always helps me too, even if it is just words on a screen. Judging by this thread you have a lot of people here who care about you. Friends are there to be used when you need one. No one can ever understand how you feel, we can only imagine. Whatever you are thinking and feeling right now you have to believe me when I say it's ok. It's ok to be sad, angry, upset, scared, but it's also ok to be numb and not think or feel anything. There is no right or wrong. Your relationship with your grandmother was unique. No one else had that exact same relationship with her. No one can ever take your good loving memories away from you. They are yours to keep. I don't imagine that anyone's words can make you feel better but your words might help you cope. If talking helps you please talk as much as you can. My PM is open to you anytime 🙂

 

[SlaverTickler]

Hey Myst, don't feel bad for not crying. Your probably in some sort of post syndrome, it all hasn't hit you yet. It's also possible that your mind was a little bit mire prepared for it because of her age. I was 7 when my dad's father died, he ws just past 65, and I cried like a baby, but who expects that. I'm sure she is in a better place, and laughing at us for all the BS we worry about down here.

Take Care and be well
ST

 

[JPie1]

grandparents are treasures, my condolences for your loss. Sometimes you don't realize just how much people in your life mean to you until after they are gone. If you realize it when they are here then your relationship was indeed special!

 

[Capnmad]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Chosen. It's always difficult losing someone so close, but I'm sure she knew you loved her. And perhaps you wish you could have said different words in her waning moments, but your last message to her was one of care and consideration, and however mundane you may think the words, the meaning was one of love.

You told her you loved her, friend. And in more than words. That's a great thing.

All the best.

 

[Pokey]

Chosen, allow me to add my thoughts and prayers for you at this hard time in your life. I won't have anything better to offer than what has already been eloquently stated, so I will simply say to you, there will come a time when you are able to truly celebrate the life you had with your Grandmother. It happens to be my belief that the body may wear out and go, but you never loose the love of the soul. Grieve however you need to grieve without being any harder on yourself than you need to be, and just think what your Grandmother would say for you to do. Hard, yes, but I know she passed wisdom that her time gave her on to you to use. God bless and keep you and one day you will get past this but you will never forget her or the love you shared.

Jim