Can a Guy and a Girl be Just Friends?

[luvgirlsfeet]

sure why not i dont see anything wrong with it

 

[dvnc]

The tricky part is that this is VERY individual.

Some folks do one way, others do another way, still others go different ways than the previous two sets, etc.

The only real issues are judging others for their way, and finding others who work well with your way, whatever it is.

🙂

 

[Cy/MiG]

OK, call me naive, but...

Some of the responses by some people mention (and I'm paraphrasing) that if two people have sex, they can still be friends.

I don't doubt that, however I will say/ask:

Once two people have sex with each other, doesn't it become more than JUST a 'friendship'?

Wouldn't the relationship then be:

Friends who have sex with each other???

Or am I over interpreting the OP/context of the question?

 

[penny lane]

Once two people have sex with each other, doesn't it become more than JUST a 'friendship'?

Wouldn't the relationship then be:

Friends who have sex with each other???

I think they call that "friends with benefits"...aka, "fuck buddies". 🙂

 

[Myriads]

Once two people have sex with each other, doesn't it become more than JUST a 'friendship'?

Wouldn't the relationship then be:

Friends who have sex with each other???


I can have dinner with a woman friend.
We can go hiking together
We can confide in each other, and help one another in tough times.
We can sleep in the same room while on a road trip
We can see each other in swimwear at the beach (and perhaps with less at some beaches)

And we are still friends after any and all of this.

But if we have sex suddenly we have to leave the class 'friends' behind? Or tag on a 'with benefits' label?

How does Having sex with her differ from any of the other acts we can share as friends? Other then the fact that society places a weight on the activity as 'special' It's not much different then sharing any other biological activity with another, like eating or sleeping. Our species has just decided to add emotional weight.

I know that many can't untwine the emotions from the act. It's a very deep bit of cultural conditioning. But many woman I've known have had no such issues. And in my friendships with them, sex was an option right up there with taking a hike or going antiquing. Something that was fun and killed some time. Nothing more.

So yep,

friends: Check
Male~Female pairing: Check
Sex: Check

Still friends? yes.


Myriads

 

[Deleted member 66627]

So yep,

friends: Check
Male~Female pairing: Check
Sex: Check

Still friends? yes.

Well, yes. I see what you're saying. But it still applies the "title" of Friends who have sex with each other. Regardless of if there is an emotional tag attatched to it.

You two are fucking, and friends. Friends who have sex.

 

[penny lane]

Once two people have sex with each other, doesn't it become more than JUST a 'friendship'?

Wouldn't the relationship then be:

Friends who have sex with each other???


I can have dinner with a woman friend.
We can go hiking together
We can confide in each other, and help one another in tough times.
We can sleep in the same room while on a road trip
We can see each other in swimwear at the beach (and perhaps with less at some beaches)

And we are still friends after any and all of this.

But if we have sex suddenly we have to leave the class 'friends' behind? Or tag on a 'with benefits' label?

How does Having sex with her differ from any of the other acts we can share as friends? Other then the fact that society places a weight on the activity as 'special' It's not much different then sharing any other biological activity with another, like eating or sleeping. Our species has just decided to add emotional weight.

I know that many can't untwine the emotions from the act. It's a very deep bit of cultural conditioning. But many woman I've known have had no such issues. And in my friendships with them, sex was an option right up there with taking a hike or going antiquing. Something that was fun and killed some time. Nothing more.

So yep,

friends: Check
Male~Female pairing: Check
Sex: Check

Still friends? yes.


Myriads

I don't know, I guess I'm pretty conservative. I just can't do sex as a casual thing with a friend. It would change the whole dynamic of the friendship for me. I'm one of those girls who has a hard time separating love from sex. I mean, I know there's a difference, I have the tendency to intertwine the two.

IMO (I'll state again- this is just MY opinion), when a man says "Let's be Friends With Benefits," to me what he's really saying is: "I'm selfish. I like having sex with you, but I don't care enough about you as a person or respect you enough to be your boyfriend."

I know that's an extreme statement, but it's how I feel.

 

[dvnc]

That's the complication with sexuality. It's very different for different folks.

It's at that point that you owe it to the friend to know where THEIR head's at. I'm certain I've thought I knew, and was mistaken, and STILL feel terrible that I misread someone. It's a pain you can't fix.

Too, some people are wrecked enough to be great friends, but crazy lovers. S'long as you don't end up lovers, it's as good as such can be. Having stepped into that, more than once, it's really rotten on the other side of it. In that set of cases, I wish I WOULD have stayed at FWB status.

Such things are very particular to the two (or more) people involved. It's your partner's responsibility to know you, as it is yours to know them. Imposing your way on them is as ridiculous as them imposing theirs on you.

Ya share, and treat one another well, friends and lovers. Saddest thing, t'me, are the lovers that just can't be friends. There's LOTS of 'em, too. Looks so unpleasant, t'me, 'cause they clearly crave that lovers' intimacy, but strangle in the simple friendship.

 

[-Hari-]

Explained so much better than me. Very good way to put it.

Once two people have sex with each other, doesn't it become more than JUST a 'friendship'?

Wouldn't the relationship then be:

Friends who have sex with each other???


I can have dinner with a woman friend.
We can go hiking together
We can confide in each other, and help one another in tough times.
We can sleep in the same room while on a road trip
We can see each other in swimwear at the beach (and perhaps with less at some beaches)

And we are still friends after any and all of this.

But if we have sex suddenly we have to leave the class 'friends' behind? Or tag on a 'with benefits' label?

How does Having sex with her differ from any of the other acts we can share as friends? Other then the fact that society places a weight on the activity as 'special' It's not much different then sharing any other biological activity with another, like eating or sleeping. Our species has just decided to add emotional weight.

I know that many can't untwine the emotions from the act. It's a very deep bit of cultural conditioning. But many woman I've known have had no such issues. And in my friendships with them, sex was an option right up there with taking a hike or going antiquing. Something that was fun and killed some time. Nothing more.

So yep,

friends: Check
Male~Female pairing: Check
Sex: Check

Still friends? yes.


Myriads

 

[Capnmad]

How does Having sex with her differ from any of the other acts we can share as friends? Other then the fact that society places a weight on the activity as 'special' It's not much different then sharing any other biological activity with another, like eating or sleeping. Our species has just decided to add emotional weight.

I know that many can't untwine the emotions from the act. It's a very deep bit of cultural conditioning. But many woman I've known have had no such issues. And in my friendships with them, sex was an option right up there with taking a hike or going antiquing. Something that was fun and killed some time. Nothing more.

Aren't you generalizing a bit too much by chalking it up only to cultural conditioning?

Has our culture added the emotional weight, our chemistry, or both?

Folks aren't typically going to get the same oxytocin release from sex as from having pizza, taking a nap, or finding a vintage Tiffany lamp. I think these things are significantly different from sex to most people, and not simply as a result of culture. Oxytocin can affect people differently, and stimulates emotional bonding in women moreso than in men. Granted, there are women out there, as you mentioned, who seem to have little problem separating the act from the emotional bond that it often engenders, but I sense they are in the minority.

It is important to me, thus, to try to accurately gauge the level of attachment a woman feels with these things and see that it's congruent with my level of commitment to the best of my ability. It seems to me an important responsibility to do what's within my power to be sure we're on the same page. It can be a tricky prospect.

 

[kis123]

But if we have sex suddenly we have to leave the class 'friends' behind? Or tag on a 'with benefits' label?

How does Having sex with her differ from any of the other acts we can share as friends? Other then the fact that society places a weight on the activity as 'special' It's not much different then sharing any other biological activity with another, like eating or sleeping. Our species has just decided to add emotional weight.

I know that many can't untwine the emotions from the act. It's a very deep bit of cultural conditioning. But many woman I've known have had no such issues. And in my friendships with them, sex was an option right up there with taking a hike or going antiquing. Something that was fun and killed some time. Nothing more.

For many people, sex is what separates friends from significant others and it has NOTHING to do with cultural conditioning. It has everything to do with the value one places on sex. If it's just a feel good type of thing, sure you can get into bed wth pretty much whomever. But when sex has deeper meaning and you get into bed with a friend, something's gonna' change whether the parties involved admit it or not.

For some of us, sex is an expression of love and deep emotional commitment to our partner; the fwb stuff doesn't fit because someone is going to get hurt. I value my friendships too much to take the risk of bringing sex in the mix. It makes things messy, complicated, and you don't always know where you stand. It makes for a lopsided relationship IMO; and if want to keep friends, there are two things I don't share with them-money and sex. And I'll give you my last dime before I'll give my male "friend" sex. Once I get out of that bed, I've left a part of me behind and it just isn't worth the scars and pain it can cause in a "friendship" to me

I know most of the people that have posted to this thread disagree with me and that's certainly their opinion to make. I also know that there are many who agree with me but don't want to rock the "agreement fest" boat-that's okay too. But to say that sex doesn't change a friendship flies in the face of everything I know about friendships/relationships and makes me wonder if the terms need redefining once sex comes into play.

 

[Cy/MiG]

Well, yes. I see what you're saying. But it still applies the "title" of Friends who have sex with each other. Regardless of if there is an emotional tag attatched to it.

You two are fucking, and friends. Friends who have sex.

Exactly.



(sorry, just like that emoticon 😀)

 

[ah8]

I have many girl just friend. 🙂 Why girls who are just friends would be anymore then friend. 😛

 

[BellaRisa]

IMO (I'll state again- this is just MY opinion), when a man says "Let's be Friends With Benefits," to me what he's really saying is: "I'm selfish. I like having sex with you, but I don't care enough about you as a person or respect you enough to be your boyfriend."

I know that's an extreme statement, but it's how I feel.

I can understand that, and many men (and women!) are saying just that when they want to be friends with benefits. For many people though, what they're saying is "I care for you very much and we have amazing sex but we simply don't work as a couple, so let's just enjoy the friendship and the booty, shall we?" That, to me, is perfectly ok and I appreciate the honesty. In reality, being compatible between the sheets doesn't always mean you should be sharing rent or a dental plan; and forcing a relationship because the sex is delicious is a mistake. I'm not one who can handle what I would call casual sex, and I don't seperate sex and love. But I can love someone, deeply, without them being the One with whom I'm raising children and paying a mortgage; I believe that there are different types of love just as there are different types of people, and intimacy doesn't have to be reserved for your primary partner to truly count as 'lovemaking'.

 

[Cy/MiG]

Can a guy and girl be just friends?? My initial answer is yes of course they can. Just because two people happen to be members of the opposite sex (assuming heterosexuality here strictly to keep things simple) doesn't mean that they can't maintain a platonic relationship.

"A man and a woman can maintain a friendly relationship -- yes. But there's always going to be one or othe other of them who's willing to throw down. So in that aspect, no they can't be just friends."

Platonic

Pla*ton"ic\, Platonical \Pla*ton"ic*al\, a. [L. Platonicus, Gr. ?: cf. F. platonique.]

2. Pure, passionless; nonsexual; philosophical.

3. (usually lowercase) purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, esp. in a relationship between two persons of the opposite sex

How does Having sex with her differ from any of the other acts we can share as friends? Other then the fact that society places a weight on the activity as 'special' It's not much different then sharing any other biological activity with another, like eating or sleeping. Our species has just decided to add emotional weight.

I know that many can't untwine the emotions from the act. It's a very deep bit of cultural conditioning. But many woman I've known have had no such issues. And in my friendships with them, sex was an option right up there with taking a hike or going antiquing. Something that was fun and killed some time. Nothing more.

So yep,

friends: Check
Male~Female pairing: Check
Sex: Check

Still friends? yes.


Myriads

Hate to nitpick, be over-analytical and/or over-literal, but by definition, once two people have sex wouldn't it then cease to be a 'platonic relationship'?

AKA more than 'Just friends'???

I know the whole 'to each their own' thing, I totally get that.

But still, by most definitions, two people who have sex with each other are more than 'just friends'.

Just saying.

Happy holidays all! 😀

 

[BellaRisa]

I know most of the people that have posted to this thread disagree with me and that's certainly their opinion to make. I also know that there are many who agree with me but don't want to rock the "agreement fest" boat-that's okay too. But to say that sex doesn't change a friendship flies in the face of everything I know about friendships/relationships and makes me wonder if the terms need redefining once sex comes into play.

Let me say that I agree with everything you wrote. For *you*, and many many MANY people in this world, what you said makes perfect sense and it's how you feel. I fully respect that, as should others. Furthermore, one thing I've learned over the years as a poly person is that most poly people have something that they need to have just for them with their partner(s), especially their primary partner. Sex isn't something I need to only share with my husband, but neither of us will ever live with anyone else or parent children with other people, and there are other, personal things that we only do for one another. We all have our lines in the sand that make us feel special and important and safe in our relationships, be they mono or poly or fwb or what have you; the only real differences are what and where those lines are

 

[meangry]

Platonic

Pla*ton"ic\, Platonical \Pla*ton"ic*al\, a. [L. Platonicus, Gr. ?: cf. F. platonique.]

2. Pure, passionless; nonsexual; philosophical.

3. (usually lowercase) purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, esp. in a relationship between two persons of the opposite sex





Hate to nitpick, be over-analytical and/or over-literal, but by definition, once two people have sex wouldn't it then cease to be a 'platonic relationship'?

AKA more than 'Just friends'???

I know the whole 'to each their own' thing, I totally get that.

But still, by most definitions, two people who have sex with each other are more than 'just friends'.

Just saying.

Happy holidays all! 😀

You are going to argue semantics over one word. If so, then so be it. You can't use platonic as a way to convey your constructed ideology that sex creates a synthesis within a relationship and moves it to a higher plateau universally. To argue such a finite point, to argue the broad overreach is a failure to understand the flagrant inconsistency of human relationship. There are no universal truths, just personal examinations, and your belief is not somehow substantially correct than the opposition.

 

[4Pawz]

I can understand that, and many men (and women!) are saying just that when they want to be friends with benefits. For many people though, what they're saying is "I care for you very much and we have amazing sex but we simply don't work as a couple, so let's just enjoy the friendship and the booty, shall we?" That, to me, is perfectly ok and I appreciate the honesty. In reality, being compatible between the sheets doesn't always mean you should be sharing rent or a dental plan; and forcing a relationship because the sex is delicious is a mistake. I'm not one who can handle what I would call casual sex, and I don't seperate sex and love. But I can love someone, deeply, without them being the One with whom I'm raising children and paying a mortgage; I believe that there are different types of love just as there are different types of people, and intimacy doesn't have to be reserved for your primary partner to truly count as 'lovemaking'.

Excellent observation. In my case, my FWB discussed things pretty much from the start. Both of us had rather nasty breakups recently and neither one of us is ready for any kind of a relationship that involves a commitment. We are both rather horny individuals and we enjoy sex. We've been friends since we met. Chances are, we would make a horrible couple, but that isn't our intent. We have both agreed to let one another know if we are interested in someone else as far as starting to date is concerned, or if our feelings change for one another.

For some it works, for others it doesn't. It's a choice we made and I feel comfy with it, as does he. Each friendship is different and each person is different. If you can't handle it, don't try it. If there is any jealousy or needy issues, stay away from it. Otherwise, enjoy it.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I can understand that, and many men (and women!) are saying just that when they want to be friends with benefits. For many people though, what they're saying is "I care for you very much and we have amazing sex but we simply don't work as a couple, so let's just enjoy the friendship and the booty, shall we?" That, to me, is perfectly ok and I appreciate the honesty. In reality, being compatible between the sheets doesn't always mean you should be sharing rent or a dental plan; and forcing a relationship because the sex is delicious is a mistake. I'm not one who can handle what I would call casual sex, and I don't seperate sex and love. But I can love someone, deeply, without them being the One with whom I'm raising children and paying a mortgage; I believe that there are different types of love just as there are different types of people, and intimacy doesn't have to be reserved for your primary partner to truly count as 'lovemaking'.

I'm aware that being a virgin makes my opinion on this subject somewhat biased, because to me sex is still something extremely..I don't want to say special because I'm sure it's special to almost everyone...but...reserved for someone?? If that makes sense...

Anyway, at this stage in my life, I can't imagine having sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with. However, I absolutely can imagine myself snuggling, kissing, and being otherwise "intimate" with someone I'm not in a relationship with, for the exact reasons you stated, Bella, so I can totally understand how some people would say "Hey - we both know where eachother's heads and hearts are at, and we're in agreement about where this arrangement is or is not going, soooo...let's get it on 😀"

Very well put Mama

Platonic

Pla*ton"ic\, Platonical \Pla*ton"ic*al\, a. [L. Platonicus, Gr. ?: cf. F. platonique.]

2. Pure, passionless; nonsexual; philosophical.

3. (usually lowercase) purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, esp. in a relationship between two persons of the opposite sex





Hate to nitpick, be over-analytical and/or over-literal, but by definition, once two people have sex wouldn't it then cease to be a 'platonic relationship'?

AKA more than 'Just friends'???

I know the whole 'to each their own' thing, I totally get that.

But still, by most definitions, two people who have sex with each other are more than 'just friends'.

Just saying.

Happy holidays all! 😀

I get what you're saying, but you're assuming that being "just friends" and maintaining a "platonic" relationship are synonymous. For many people they very well may be, and I assumed the same thing in my OP, but clearly for alot of people here, "just friends" means they're not in a romantic, commited, partnership, while "platonic" means they're in a nonsexual relationship, and those two situations are not necessarily one and the same.

 

[kis123]

Platonic

Pla*ton"ic\, Platonical \Pla*ton"ic*al\, a. [L. Platonicus, Gr. ?: cf. F. platonique.]

2. Pure, passionless; nonsexual; philosophical.

3. (usually lowercase) purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, esp. in a relationship between two persons of the opposite sex





Hate to nitpick, be over-analytical and/or over-literal, but by definition, once two people have sex wouldn't it then cease to be a 'platonic relationship'?

AKA more than 'Just friends'???

I know the whole 'to each their own' thing, I totally get that.

But still, by most definitions, two people who have sex with each other are more than 'just friends'.

Just saying.

Happy holidays all! 😀

I certainly feel that way so that makes two of us.

I believe sex changes everything; maybe you can remain friends, maybe you can't. It depends on how your friendships/personal relationships are defined. To me, it means we're lovers and are no longer friends the way we were; it totally redefines the relationship. Even if we remain friends, the friendship is never the same to me. I had a "friend" like that and I never should've crossed the sexual boundaries. But we were two lonely people who needed the physical comforts of sex; I thought I could handle it until I moved outside the friendship and into relationship mode. I just couldn't keep having sex and just be friends too-it didn't work for me.

I heard Deborah Messing make a comment on her show the Starter Wife that pretty much describes me spot on. She told her fwb that "I don't have a booty call gene!" That's pretty much me; if you're in my bed, then you're my man, plain and simple for ol' kis.

I know many people here have different lifestyle choices; I've learned a lot since being a member here. Sometimes, I wish I was like some of you who have made relationship choices that make you happy without judgement. I kinda' feel like a miniority with my sexual choices but they're mine to make I guess.

 

[kis123]

Let me say that agree with everything you wrote. For *you*, and many many MANY people in this world, what you said makes perfect sense and it's how you feel. I fully respect that, as should others. Furhtermore, one thing I've learned over the years as a poly person is that most poly people have something that they need to have just for them with their partner(s), especially their primary partner. Sex isn't something I need to only share with my husband, but neither of us will ever live with anyone else or parent children with other people, and there are other, personal things that we only do for one another. We all have our lines in the sand that make us feel special and important and safe in our relationships, be they mono or poly or fwb or what have you; the only real differences are what and where those lines are

I hope you understand that all the opinions expressed in this thread aren't an attack on people's lifestyle choices or sexual decisions; those are between "you" and "your" significant others and not for me to judge. I might not always understand, but I have learned to respect what makes people happy in relationships. Hell, if it works for you and all parties are on the same page, that's a beautiful thing IMO.

But even as a poly, you have boundary lines drawn and rules said or unsaid about how the relationship is run. You even have rules and boundaries between your husbands (please correct me if I didn't use correct terminology). So it means you hold each of them in a different yet special way. It also means that although you love them both, they hold different places in your heart and your life. So as different as we might appear on paper, we hold more in common than I thought.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I know many people here have different lifestyle choices; I've learned a lot since being a member here. Sometimes, I wish I was like some of you who have made relationship choices that make you happy without judgement. I kinda' feel like a miniority with my sexual choices but they're mine to make I guess.

I'm a little confused. Have you made the relationship choices you've made because they make you happy? "If you're in my bed you're my man." Or have you made them because they're tolerable, but more "acceptable?"

 

[kis123]

I'm a little confused. Have you made the relationship choices you've made because they make you happy? "If you're in my bed you're my man." Or have you made them because they're tolerable, but more "acceptable?"

I've made them because those are what make me happy and keep my life less complicated. The only man who shares my bed is the one who happens to be my man or SO if you will. Has nothing to do with what anyone finds acceptable as it does with what meets my sexual and relationship needs. I need to feel exclusive in my relationships and sex does it for me. Something else might do "it" for you or any of the memebers here. If I haven't learned anthing else over the 5+ years I've been here, it's that everyone has different things that make them happy in relationships.

I've tried a lot of things in nearly 46 years of living, 25 of them as a sexually active person. I always end up going back to what makes me most happy and satisfied and that is sex is exclusive with a significant other and no one else.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I've made them because those are what make me happy and keep my life less complicated. The only man who shares my bed is the one who happens to be my man or SO if you will. Has nothing to do with what anyone finds acceptable as it does with what meets my sexual and relationship needs. I need to feel exclusive in my relationships and sex does it for me. Something else might do "it" for you or any of the memebers here. If I haven't learned anthing else over the 5+ years I've been here, it's that everyone has different things that make them happy in relationships.

I've tried a lot of things in nearly 46 years of living, 25 of them as a sexually active person. I always end up going back to what makes me most happy and satisfied and that is sex is exclusive with a significant other and no one else.

I'm not trying to be argumentative at all - just curious, because I don't quite understand. If being exclusive with your sexual partner is what makes you happy, why is that you sometimes wish you could be like some of the other folks here whose sexual relationships are less...conventional?

 

[kis123]

I'm not trying to be argumentative at all - just curious, because I don't quite understand. If being exclusive with your sexual partner is what makes you happy, why is that you sometimes wish you could be like some of the other folks here whose sexual relationships are less...conventional?

Who doesn't want to try something different sometimes? But I'm a hard-wired monogamist even when the men in my life haven't always been the same with me.

Now I hope I've answered your question