Can a Guy and a Girl be Just Friends?

[kis123]

I can't give a definite answer to your questions because every single relationship, friendship, and group of friends is different 🙂. Sometimes everyone knows each other, sometimes it's a matter of having different friends in different circles who never meet...heck, I have lots of friends in the spanking community that don't know my TMF friends, they live in different states and even different countries and just never have contact. Let's say though, that there are two spanking people who always get together at the big Vegas spanking convention once per year. They play and end the session with amazing sex, snuggle for awhile, and then go about their business for another year. They consider themselves friends only. Friends with benefits to be sure, but they both consider it very casual and aren't hurt or bothered by whatever else they're each doing. This kinda thing happens ALL the time, it works out for everyone; and while it can get messy it certainly doesn't have to.

Okay, I can roll with this......it's not my thing, but I understand

Monogamy can get way, wayyy messier and complicated frankly, because each person has to be everything to the other person and that can be too much of a burden on just two people.

Can't argue with this point either. Sometimes I do wish I wasn't so damn hard wired in my sexuality, but I am who I am messy monogamy and all.

Thanks, I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with all this

 

[Cy/MiG]

I took no offence at the comment. I tend to take offence at very little.

I am a person who can detach physical sex from any other relationalship aspect. I certainly can have greater connections with someone I have sex with, but it's not something that I find needful in every case.

Heck I feel falling asleep in front of another person as more intimate and trusting then having sex with them.

We have the argument:

If I have three kids and every year for their birthday I give them the following gifts:

Kid 1: money

Kid 2: money

Kid 3: Money, new toy, hug, and kiss

Then it stands to reason I have a 'favorite' amongst my children.

If I have sex with one/some of my friends and not others, it stands to reason that there is a reason why.

i.e. 'something more'.

The argument starts with the basic idea that all friendships are equal. In short that I'll see all my friends as equals from the start.

While there are aspects that must be in all my friendships they all will have unique and different additional qualities.

Friend A might be a great conversationalist
Friend B might be full of energy and motivates me
Friend C may have a interesting job and is always full of interesting tales.
Friend D might be massivly carring and supportive

Each brings more to the friendship then the base 'friend' qualities.

They are all friends, but they are all 'unequal' by the very nature of being individuals.

Some of these friends might be attractive to me, and vice versa. If we are both so minded, sex is an activity we may share. It's just one more aspect that falls into the unique qualities of each friendship. It does not make it so special it needs to be ammended with a 'with benefits' or some such. It's just something else I might do with that friend.

Myriads

You have swayed me in the fact that you have presented an argument that I had previously failed to conisider/and/or ignored:

If a friendship is based on sex, it is no more or less differenet than a friendship bases on say... 'white water rafting'.

In this case, yes you are entirely 110% correct. If a 'friendship' revolved around sex then it stands to reason both sides know what it's getting into and therefore never makes an 'emotional connection'.

Please forgive me if I never considered/ignored this aspect of what you were saying.

You are correct.

However, in the generic situation:

Some others find it possible to say "Hey - you look good naked. Let us romp," without emotions and relationship crap get in the way. I think it's mostly difficult for you to wrap your mind around, because for you it sounds like it just isn't an option, and like I said, me either! And we're totally cool for that 🙂 But these guys are totally cool for their point of view as well, even if it's something we can't 100% understand, ya dig? 😛

Only because I know that in most cases, sex means something.

To quote Anton Chigurgh:

'It's not what I call it, it's howit is.'

I could justify a great many things, but it wouldn't change what they actually are in the grand aspect of things.

I 'do dig' Myriad's aspect of things, because I had previously ignored the concept of friendship based on sex.

However, I still stand by my original perspective of:

If there is a 'friendship' that then attempts to add the concept of sex, that there is 'something more going on'.

In any event, I think this thread has run it's course and any further attempt to 'progress' is unneccessary, because I get what the opposite POV.

Thanks for presenting it 'Big Bird style' for a 'ignant' bloke like myself.

I think we understand each other at the core of what we were attempting to express.

Sorry if I extended the argument in an unneccsarry manor.

Happy New Years!!! It's 09!!!! 😀

 

[Myriads]

Glad that you found a new aspect to see things in, and that is a good expansion of the discussion.

However I was not saying that the friendships with sex were based in sex.

I'm saying that sex is just one more activity that can be part of the friendships with no more special weight then other possible activities that could be shared. Just something fun to do. Nothing more or less.

Myriads

 

[Cy/MiG]

Glad that you found a new aspect to see things in, and that is a good expansion of the discussion.

However I was not saying that the friendships with sex were based in sex.

I'm saying that sex is just one more activity that can be part of the friendships with no more special weight then other possible activities that could be shared. Just something fun to do. Nothing more or less.

Myriads

Hey, it took us long enough to find some common ground, I think.

Don't confuse me now!!! 😀

 

[Deleted member 66627]

I'm saying that sex is just one more activity that can be part of the friendships with no more special weight then other possible activities that could be shared. Just something fun to do. Nothing more or less.

Speaking of it so non-chalantly make's it look fucked up. I could never view it as completely and totally empty as that.

"Oh, hi, Linda. What are your plans for the day?"

"Well, I've got to work in my garden, finish cooking dinner, fuck my friend and clean my bathroom."

 

[Homer28]

^ am I the only one who thinks it looks like Jo is pooping in that pic?

 

[Cy/MiG]

^ am I the only one who thinks it looks like Jo is pooping in that pic?

Not anymore!

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

^ am I the only one who thinks it looks like Jo is pooping in that pic?

Hijacker!!

 

[bumblebee]

i've read most of the contributions and i want to put in my two cents, too (this term can't be right but it was something like this).
i had a male best friend for some years and we were like the best friends ever. in the beginning it was just that but after a year or something we fell in love with eachother and that's why the friendship broke after we splitted.
for another very good male friend of mine i definitively see nothing but friendship but i know he has a problem with it, although he's engaged.
in theory i would always have said, men and women CAN be just friends, i got a lot of male friends and with most of them i get on better than with my female friends, just because they are not so complicated and bitchy (at ideal case), but with my best friends it didn't work out, but maybe i was just unlucky.

-sorry for my english

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Not anymore!

Seconded.

's Homer

 

[penny lane]

Speaking of it so non-chalantly make's it look fucked up. I could never view it as completely and totally empty as that.

"Oh, hi, Linda. What are your plans for the day?"

"Well, I've got to work in my garden, finish cooking dinner, fuck my friend and clean my bathroom."

LOL! Thank you Crystal! I'll second that. Hearing someone view sex like that...that it's nothing special...that's so upsetting to hear.

 

[sasaxrah]

Speaking of it so non-chalantly make's it look fucked up. I could never view it as completely and totally empty as that.

"Oh, hi, Linda. What are your plans for the day?"

"Well, I've got to work in my garden, finish cooking dinner, fuck my friend and clean my bathroom."

Just because it's with a friend doesn't mean it's not special... I wouldn't put it on a laundry list of things I planned to do in a day. The difference between fucking a friend and fucking your significant other is that there isn't necessarily the expectation there. It's one of the things that two friends could do together. I had a friendship like this a few years ago. Sometimes we got dinner, sometimes we went for a walk, and if we both happened to be single at the time, and felt a little deprived in that department, we might fool around.

 

[LD_Tickler]

That got me thinking, and rocked my boat a little bit, because of the guys that I'm "just friends" with, if they and I were single, I can't say I wouldn't "throw down" (I love Kate Hudson LOL) with a few of them 😛

But not all of them. One of my closest friends is a girl. Nobody is throwing anything in that relationship.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

LOL! Thank you Crystal! I'll second that. Hearing someone view sex like that...that it's nothing special...that's so upsetting to hear.

I understand what you're saying, but I don't really think it should be upsetting per say -- it's just a different opinion. As long as both people involved have the same expectations of what the relationship is or isn't going to develop into, I don't see anything upsetting about it.

I also want to mention, the term "fucking" is used alot here, and I'm not trying to argue over one word...just pointing out that to me, "fucking" someone makes it sound carnal and empty, and I don't think that's what the people who have sex with friends are feeling. I wouldn't exactly call it "making love" because, well, they're not in love, at least not romantically, but I think they definitely most likely have to have a connection that takes it past "fucking."

 

[RobAce]

my shortest post ever.

Yes.

Rob

 

[penny lane]

"shouldn't be upsetting"

I don't feel it reasonable to have friends tell me how I should feel.

It upsets me, so I say so.

I understand where this doesn't upset you. I acknowledge the legitimacy of YOUR feelings, here. Please consider mine.

I am done with this thread.

I understand what you're saying, but I don't really think it should be upsetting per say -- it's just a different opinion. As long as both people involved have the same expectations of what the relationship is or isn't going to develop into, I don't see anything upsetting about it.

I also want to mention, the term "fucking" is used alot here, and I'm not trying to argue over one word...just pointing out that to me, "fucking" someone makes it sound carnal and empty, and I don't think that's what the people who have sex with friends are feeling. I wouldn't exactly call it "making love" because, well, they're not in love, at least not romantically, but I think they definitely most likely have to have a connection that takes it past "fucking."

 

[Bel]

Sure why not why should it be any different as beetwen a m/m or f/f friend. I see what you mean m/f friend and it might lead to more than friendship but I see no reason to why you cant stay just friends what would the world be with just m/m or f/f friends. Hey my ex gf and I are very good friends.

 

[dvnc]

I understand what you're saying, but I don't really think it should be upsetting per say -- it's just a different opinion. As long as both people involved have the same expectations of what the relationship is or isn't going to develop into, I don't see anything upsetting about it.

I also want to mention, the term "fucking" is used alot here, and I'm not trying to argue over one word...just pointing out that to me, "fucking" someone makes it sound carnal and empty, and I don't think that's what the people who have sex with friends are feeling. I wouldn't exactly call it "making love" because, well, they're not in love, at least not romantically, but I think they definitely most likely have to have a connection that takes it past "fucking."

Uh, I perceive the possibility that there's a bit of contradiction in what you're saying and what I'm hoping you mean.

On the one hand, you've decided what someone should be feeling, when saying "...but I don't really think it should be upsetting per say..." in your answer. I'm of a mind that some folks here SHOULD disagree with my perspectives, and I do hope I don't do them the discourtesy of telling them how they should feel.

Had you done that to me, I would have been offended. That you're doing that to her offends me. It's my sentiment, and I've no call to ask you to state it differently, either. Indeed, now, I do hope you keep it as it is. You've a right to how you feel, regardless of what it does to me and mine.

On the other hand, you're discussing how a word makes you feel. I'm certain I've lovers in my past who declared they really wanted "to fuck." Sometimes a lover becomes carnal in desires. While treating me well, I don't sweat this. It, again, is solely sentiment on my part. I just don't understand how it's kind to deny someone their feeling, especially when following that denial with a sentiment of your own.

Can you see where this would be hurtful to me? No need to reply to this, either. I've no accusation towards you, and will, of course, always be considerate of you. I just don't understand why you'd treat her this way, and hope you don't feel it's kind to do it again.

This topic is charged, folks. People have strong perspectives on several sides of it. It's not only important to know where your lover lies, in this thinking, but where your friends lie, as well, so as not to offend them personally when asserting that someone feeling as they do is somehow bad as a person.

 

[Mister Scruff]

I'm of a mind that some folks here SHOULD disagree with my perspectives, and I do hope I don't do them the discourtesy of telling them how they should feel.

Ironic lulz

This topic is charged, folks. People have strong perspectives on several sides of it. It's not only important to know where your lover lies, in this thinking, but where your friends lie, as well, so as not to offend them personally when asserting that someone feeling as they do is somehow bad as a person.

It seems absolutely bizarre to me that adults can't discuss this topic without getting upset; not just upset, but so upset they feel the need to walk away from it...

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

"shouldn't be upsetting"

I don't feel it reasonable to have friends tell me how I should feel.

It upsets me, so I say so.

I understand where this doesn't upset you. I acknowledge the legitimacy of YOUR feelings, here. Please consider mine.

I am done with this thread.

Uh, I perceive the possibility that there's a bit of contradiction in what you're saying and what I'm hoping you mean.

On the one hand, you've decided what someone should be feeling, when saying "...but I don't really think it should be upsetting per say..." in your answer. I'm of a mind that some folks here SHOULD disagree with my perspectives, and I do hope I don't do them the discourtesy of telling them how they should feel.

Had you done that to me, I would have been offended. That you're doing that to her offends me. It's my sentiment, and I've no call to ask you to state it differently, either. Indeed, now, I do hope you keep it as it is. You've a right to how you feel, regardless of what it does to me and mine.

On the other hand, you're discussing how a word makes you feel. I'm certain I've lovers in my past who declared they really wanted "to fuck." Sometimes a lover becomes carnal in desires. While treating me well, I don't sweat this. It, again, is solely sentiment on my part. I just don't understand how it's kind to deny someone their feeling, especially when following that denial with a sentiment of your own.

Can you see where this would be hurtful to me? No need to reply to this, either. I've no accusation towards you, and will, of course, always be considerate of you. I just don't understand why you'd treat her this way, and hope you don't feel it's kind to do it again.

This topic is charged, folks. People have strong perspectives on several sides of it. It's not only important to know where your lover lies, in this thinking, but where your friends lie, as well, so as not to offend them personally when asserting that someone feeling as they do is somehow bad as a person.

Whoa - back up. I was in no way whatsoever trying to offend anyone or tell anyone how to feel. If that's the way I came across (which I clearly did to the two of you) I am sincerely sorry.

Quite the opposite actually - when someone tells me they're upset, my first reaction is to help them feel better, and that's all I was attempting to do - take what was clearly upsetting to her, and try to show it in a different light so that it maybe didn't bother her so much.

I don't know what else to say other than I would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings or offend someone, especially anyone as pleasant as the two of you.

 

[dvnc]

Whoa - back up. I was in no way whatsoever trying to offend anyone or tell anyone how to feel. If that's the way I came across (which I clearly did to the two of you) I am sincerely sorry.

Quite the opposite actually - when someone tells me they're upset, my first reaction is to help them feel better, and that's all I was attempting to do - take what was clearly upsetting to her, and try to show it in a different light so that it maybe didn't bother her so much.

I don't know what else to say other than I would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings or offend someone, especially anyone as pleasant as the two of you.

Darlin', yer doin' it again. I'm by no means submissive. Tellin' me t'back up is, well, sorta silly. Dig me?

I *know* ya don't MEAN to offend. Metcha, 'member? I'm sayin' what I'm sayin' BECAUSE I know ya well enough, with as little time as we got to talk over dinner and at the event, I need ya t'know where it's received as written.

Writin' is tough that way. Harder to convey sentiment. When, for instance, you say "woah -- back up" you're tellin' me what t'do. It's not MEANT that way (assumably) but it IS what yer sayin'.

It's important to consider how your writing will affect others. You're prolific here, now. I just replied to another of your threads, and was suitably pleased with the topic and perspective. You and I don't even always have the same perspective, yet I find your thoughts relevant and interesting.

I just saw what you posted to her, and saw why she was stepping away. I felt it important, as I like ya, t'show ya what I saw.

Had I not, you'd have someone who felt unhappy with something. That happens more often on a forum than any of us would like.

She now knows ya didn't mean it as malice, and for me, that's way more important than old man DVNC's language lesson, y'know? Ya matter, so I share for perspective's sake.

You know how delicate I am. Imagine how much effort it took to learn NOT to be as I am when writin'. I actually ended up changin' a bit of my indelicate nature due to posting online. Weird but true.

Anyway, no harm, no foul, darlin'. Ain't like we won't be dinin' together again sometime. 🙂

Ironic lulz

It seems absolutely bizarre to me that adults can't discuss this topic without getting upset; not just upset, but so upset they feel the need to walk away from it...

You can't understand where people have feelings? That's unfortunate. You have my condolences.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Darlin', yer doin' it again. I'm by no means submissive. Tellin' me t'back up is, well, sorta silly. Dig me?

I *know* ya don't MEAN to offend. Metcha, 'member? I'm sayin' what I'm sayin' BECAUSE I know ya well enough, with as little time as we got to talk over dinner and at the event, I need ya t'know where it's received as written.

Writin' is tough that way. Harder to convey sentiment. When, for instance, you say "woah -- back up" you're tellin' me what t'do. It's not MEANT that way (assumably) but it IS what yer sayin'.

It's important to consider how your writing will affect others. You're prolific here, now. I just replied to another of your threads, and was suitably pleased with the topic and perspective. You and I don't even always have the same perspective, yet I find your thoughts relevant and interesting.

I just saw what you posted to her, and saw why she was stepping away. I felt it important, as I like ya, t'show ya what I saw.

Had I not, you'd have someone who felt unhappy with something. That happens more often on a forum than any of us would like.

She now knows ya didn't mean it as malice, and for me, that's way more important than old man DVNC's language lesson, y'know? Ya matter, so I share for perspective's sake.

You know how delicate I am. Imagine how much effort it took to learn NOT to be as I am when writin'. I actually ended up changin' a bit of my indelicate nature due to posting online. Weird but true.

Anyway, no harm, no foul, darlin'. Ain't like we won't be dinin' together again sometime. 🙂

I'm too blunt - it's a flaw I deal with daily 🙂 Glad we're back on the same page though 🙂

 

[Deleted member 66627]

but I think they definitely most likely have to have a connection that takes it past "fucking."

Sure. I've fucked a man that I loved before. Many times. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. In this circumstance I was using it for emphasis of my feeling toward the explanation that I had quoted. 🙂

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Sure. I've fucked a man that I loved before. Many times. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. In this circumstance I was using it for emphasis of my feeling toward the explanation that I had quoted. 🙂

Fo sho - you can fuck people you love - I don't mean that fucking and loving can't exist at the same time. But in general, the word "fucking" tends to express less of a connection - but doesn't HAVE to 🙂

 

[BellaRisa]

Fo sho - you can fuck people you love

If you can't, I got some questions for Bill about assaults on my person since May 1992

Somebody tell DVNC to back up again, I wanna see what happens